I Would NEVER...

-- Buy a bigger house than I need.

-- Take a fucking cruise. Getting stuck on a cruise ship with two thousand smelly strangers and their smelly clothes would suck and drive me crazy after about three hours. And what if the food sucked? What then?

-- go to the Olympics. Total shitshow. Too much security and too many guns. Doesn't look like any fun at all. Maybe a Track and Field Championship somewhere in Europe.

-- go to a bigtime soccer game anywhere. What madness. People die by the scores at those things.

-- see the Running of the Bulls. Insanity. Too scary and stupid. Europe, what is wrong with you? We shoot cows here not get run over by them.

-- take PEDs. I'm huge anyway.

-- shop at WalMart unless I absolutely have to.

-- cheat on a woman

-- Hunt. Just not my style. I'll eat venison someday, but I'm not a hunter. Probably just because my Dad never took me. Not much for being in the woods.

-- Buy a pickup truck. Too many bad associations.

-- Ride on a motorcycle. Not only would I never buy one, I'll never get on one. Ever. Pure loudness. And from what I hear they tear your ass up good. What's the point? My Corolla gets me from A to B in style (though not too much).

-- Skydive. I'm terrified of heights. I get up on a stepladder and my shorts are full.

-- Dance. Ain't gonna happen. Watch Ellen if you need a fix.