The Maine Marathon was today, and got me to thinking...
--- We should have a Le Mans style road race through the streets of Portland. First one from Eastern Prom to the Maine Mall wins. Go more than 10 miles an hour over the speed limit and you're disqualified. Get a ticket and you're disqualified. Hit a tourist and you're disqualified. Hit Joe Bornstein and you get, what, 10 seconds reduced from your time. All stops signs are mandatory. All yield signs, too. Pay attention to cops if one pulls you over. They know what they're doing. This race could be run on a Friday in early May, when this city is fucking amazing looking.
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--- Instead of the tired Wife Carrying Contests, how about a Father Carrying Son Contest. Contestants must be at least in their 20s. Or a five (four?) legged race?
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A "First to MI Treadmill Race" on NBC. First to have a myocardial infarction (heart attack) wins $10 million dollars. Hopefully the MI will be mild but if not, that's what wills are for. Second prize of $100,000 goes to the first person to have a mild stroke (must drool!). Third place? Indigestion.
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24 Hour Endurance Race
1) Boat
2) Motorcycle
3) Auto
4) Bicycle
5) Run
6) Race Walk
7) Race Walk Using a Walker
8) Hospital Bed Rolling (must keep one ass cheek in bed while pushing)
9) Casket Pushing
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A Marathon where the last 10% of runners in each group (Men > 50, Men > 30, Open Men, Kids, etc etc) get beaten with a rolled up newspaper. Measured every mile for entire race. And the finish line will be randomly moved throughout the race from 26.2m to 27.2 miles to 25.3 (you get the idea). Sucker! Life can dish out some surprises. Be ready for anything, runners.
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How about a Baby Carrying Race? Baby must be held in arms. You drop baby, you lose.
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What about a Rosie Ruiz Annual Marathon, where cheating is encouraged. And you gotta SELL IT at the finish line, babes! "Wow, that was a tough race! I'm really wiped out. It's hot out there!" There ya go.
============
--- Instead of the tired Wife Carrying Contests, how about a Father Carrying Son Contest. Contestants must be at least in their 20s. Or a five (four?) legged race?
============
A "First to MI Treadmill Race" on NBC. First to have a myocardial infarction (heart attack) wins $10 million dollars. Hopefully the MI will be mild but if not, that's what wills are for. Second prize of $100,000 goes to the first person to have a mild stroke (must drool!). Third place? Indigestion.
============
24 Hour Endurance Race
1) Boat
2) Motorcycle
3) Auto
4) Bicycle
5) Run
6) Race Walk
7) Race Walk Using a Walker
8) Hospital Bed Rolling (must keep one ass cheek in bed while pushing)
9) Casket Pushing
=============
A Marathon where the last 10% of runners in each group (Men > 50, Men > 30, Open Men, Kids, etc etc) get beaten with a rolled up newspaper. Measured every mile for entire race. And the finish line will be randomly moved throughout the race from 26.2m to 27.2 miles to 25.3 (you get the idea). Sucker! Life can dish out some surprises. Be ready for anything, runners.
=============
How about a Baby Carrying Race? Baby must be held in arms. You drop baby, you lose.
=============
What about a Rosie Ruiz Annual Marathon, where cheating is encouraged. And you gotta SELL IT at the finish line, babes! "Wow, that was a tough race! I'm really wiped out. It's hot out there!" There ya go.
posted by joe sweeney at 10:51 AM
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