What's that about a dead horse?
The Apartment404 crystal ball sees all......
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11/03/06 - Celtics new dance team streams on to (new) Garden court after Gerald Green's last second three versus Pistons, celebrating game winning shot. Dancers told later that C's lost by 13. Console selves by rereading "A Million Little Pieces." Cry at sad parts.
Bassy "shorts tug on D" count starts at 1. Result: Billups (20 points, 0 turnovers and 11 assists) on the blow-by for an easy two.
11/04/06 - Celtics all time great, "Mr. Basketball", Hall of Famer Robert Cousy is told by C's owner, Wyc Grousbeck, that he is no longer allowed to announce for "his" team due to Cooz's referring to Sebastian Telfair's defense in 4th quarter of previous night's loss as "unacceptable."
11/05/06 - "Mr. Basketball" hired by Knicks as second color man on MSG broadcasts, working with Clyde Frazier. Cousy tells cab driver on way to Logan that he wants to see what a real team looks like. Driver moans quietly to the departing Celtic legend, "Take me with ya, Cooz."
11/15/06 - Pacers and Larry Bird come to (new) Garden and beat the living crap out of Celtics. Doc Rivers spends game telling team to "start hustling or else." Doc starts game with lineup of Wally, Candy Man, Scalabrine, Ratliff, and a tearful Paul Pierce. Asked later by the press about the unusual starting five, Doc says, "Well, smallball didn't work out so good, so we thought we'd mix it up. If only the guys had played harder. Hey, you fellas know when the next flight to Orlando leaves?" C's record stands at 1-7. Doc promises more hustle out of his team in the future.
11/16/06 - After third reading of James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces", C's dance team decides to start their own book club. Choose "American Prometheus", a biography that a member of the squad, SaNdi!, heard President Bush enjoyed.
11/18/06 - Official Celtics Dance Team Book Club Meeting #1: After squad purchases copies of "American Prometheus", decide not to include work in their club, as 721 pages seems like much too much work. Go out for strawberry margaritas after meeting is adjourned in hopes of seeing some Patriots, and discuss potential new choices. Decide on Virginia Woolf's "To The Lighthouse" after finding out the book is only 208 pages.
11/24/06 - Against Knicks at (new) Garden, C's lose as Starbury scores 34 and dishes 8 assists against distant cousin Telfair. Bassy executes several shorts tugs on D as Starbury blows by him repeatedly. Telfair shorts tug count for season = 15. Blow-bys for layups = 12 (Two missed layups and, in game against Blazers, Jarrett Jack fell down laughing and was called for travelling). Wally, shooting 43% on the year, complains to the media, post game, about not getting "enough good looks."
12/02/06 - Official Celtics Dance Team Book Club Meeting #2 does not go well. Girls complain of "wicked long, stupid, nonsense sentences" by Woolf. Agree that "To The Lighthouse" is a poor choice, and decide that next meeting they will discuss the December issue of "O".
12/09/06 - Nets crush Celtics by 17 at Meadowlands. Jason Kidd and Marcus Williams combine for 34 points and 21 assists. Sebastian Telfair goes 1-8 from field with 1 assist (end of half heave by a crying Paul Pierce). Plays 38 minutes. Tugs on shorts five times....Gets beaten for layups by Kidd and Williams all five times. Rondo allowed on court for 16 minutes, scoring 8 points with 5 asssists and 2 steals. Does not see action in fourth quarter. Doc quoted postgame saying, "Goddamn it, if these guys don't want to hustle, I'll find someone who will! I don't understand these younger players! And if you'll excuse me, I have a damn flight to catch!" Celtics record stands at 5-14.
1/03/07 - Lebron and the Cavaliers come to Boston, with the winningest franchise in NBA history reeling at 7-23. James records first quadruple double in league history; 37 points, 16 rebounds, 10 steals and 12 assists in 20 point win over C's. Bassy records his own triple double; 10 points (on 3-12 shooting, 4-7 at the line), 11 turnovers and 14 shorts tugs on D. Owner Wyc Grousbeck tries to get "The Wave" going from his spot under the C's basket during third quarter while Boston trails by double digits. Fans in loge seats give him the finger, en masse. Wyc being filmed by crew for an upcoming FSNE documentary about him entitled, "Wyc! The One And Only!", that is scheduled to run two dozen times on the cable station in early May.
1/31/07 - The Men from La La Land come to town for the annual C's - Fakers matchup. Celtics win 72-69 as Kobe shoots just 6-22. Wyc tries unsuccessfully to get crowd to stand and cheer in third quarter during 8-0 Faker run. Fans in loge seats give him finger, en masse. Wyc pretends not to notice. Telfair continually attempts famous "shorts tug while D-ing up" as he guards Smush Parker, who scores career high 28 with no turnovers. Rondo plays 16 minutes: 7 points, 4 assists and 3 steals. Sits out fourth quarter. A sobbing Paul Pierce manages 35 in come from behind win. C's record stands at 12-33. Fakers record is 15-28. David Stern attends Spurs-Jazz game in Salt Lake City instead of NBA's greatest rivalry. Rips assistant for not being able to find a Diet Coke in all of Utah.
3/07/07 - Hubie Brown and the Rockets come to the (new) Garden for matchup with C's. Yao scores 32 on 14-18 shooting, along with 16 boards and 8 assists. Tracy McGrady is out, thankfully for the Rockets, with back spasms. Battier and Bonzi Wells combine to torch Wally for a combined 31 points and just 1 turnover. Wally bitches to Doc and Paul Pierce throughout game about lack of "quality shots for me." Paul Pierce plays game in Richard Nixon mask in effort to hide tears of grief but still records a double double; 28 and 16. Pulls Nixon mask lower on face following each Wally tirade. Coach Doc misses entire 4th quarter as last flight out of Logan for Orlando departs at 9:45pm. He is quoted as saying "Family comes first on this team" to media on way out of (new) Garden, as well as promising "More hustle or heads will roll." Several signs at (new) Garden read "Bring back M.L.!", though they are quickly ripped to shreds by security on Wyc's orders. C's record is 17-43.
4/06/07 - The World Champion Heat come to town. Beat C's handily as Dwyane Wade scores 45. As Miami grows bored during fourth quarter of blowout, Coach Pat Riley allows Wade and rookie Chris Quinn to take on entire C's team for last five minutes of game, then lights up a victory cigar in closing seconds. Security escorts him from building following final buzzer. C's are now 18-57.
4/18/07 - In final game of season Celtics are crushed by another old nemesis, the Detroit Pistons, 114-92. Paul Pierce plays entire game in haz-mat suit, yet still leads team in points, rebounds and assists. Wally pulls a game long "Pippen" and refuses to enter contest unless promised "some good looks." Doc refuses, but is more concerned with cell phoning his moving company during tv timeouts in order to insure his belonging are shipped down to Orlando ASAP. Final record = 20-62.
Season Totals =
Books read by the Official Celtics Dance Team Book Club = 1: "Culture Warrior" by Bill O'Reilly.
Bassy "shorts tug while in D-ing up posture" = 114. Resulting layups by opposing point guards = 98.
Paul Pierce averages for season = 27 points, 7 rebounds, 5 assists, 2 steals, and 5 crying fits per game.
Rajon Rondo = In limited minutes the rookie point guard leads team in assist/turnover ratio and steals.
Wyc - Attempts at leading "The Wave" = 43. Successful attempts at leading "The Wave" = 0.
=============================
11/03/06 - Celtics new dance team streams on to (new) Garden court after Gerald Green's last second three versus Pistons, celebrating game winning shot. Dancers told later that C's lost by 13. Console selves by rereading "A Million Little Pieces." Cry at sad parts.
Bassy "shorts tug on D" count starts at 1. Result: Billups (20 points, 0 turnovers and 11 assists) on the blow-by for an easy two.
11/04/06 - Celtics all time great, "Mr. Basketball", Hall of Famer Robert Cousy is told by C's owner, Wyc Grousbeck, that he is no longer allowed to announce for "his" team due to Cooz's referring to Sebastian Telfair's defense in 4th quarter of previous night's loss as "unacceptable."
11/05/06 - "Mr. Basketball" hired by Knicks as second color man on MSG broadcasts, working with Clyde Frazier. Cousy tells cab driver on way to Logan that he wants to see what a real team looks like. Driver moans quietly to the departing Celtic legend, "Take me with ya, Cooz."
11/15/06 - Pacers and Larry Bird come to (new) Garden and beat the living crap out of Celtics. Doc Rivers spends game telling team to "start hustling or else." Doc starts game with lineup of Wally, Candy Man, Scalabrine, Ratliff, and a tearful Paul Pierce. Asked later by the press about the unusual starting five, Doc says, "Well, smallball didn't work out so good, so we thought we'd mix it up. If only the guys had played harder. Hey, you fellas know when the next flight to Orlando leaves?" C's record stands at 1-7. Doc promises more hustle out of his team in the future.
11/16/06 - After third reading of James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces", C's dance team decides to start their own book club. Choose "American Prometheus", a biography that a member of the squad, SaNdi!, heard President Bush enjoyed.
11/18/06 - Official Celtics Dance Team Book Club Meeting #1: After squad purchases copies of "American Prometheus", decide not to include work in their club, as 721 pages seems like much too much work. Go out for strawberry margaritas after meeting is adjourned in hopes of seeing some Patriots, and discuss potential new choices. Decide on Virginia Woolf's "To The Lighthouse" after finding out the book is only 208 pages.
11/24/06 - Against Knicks at (new) Garden, C's lose as Starbury scores 34 and dishes 8 assists against distant cousin Telfair. Bassy executes several shorts tugs on D as Starbury blows by him repeatedly. Telfair shorts tug count for season = 15. Blow-bys for layups = 12 (Two missed layups and, in game against Blazers, Jarrett Jack fell down laughing and was called for travelling). Wally, shooting 43% on the year, complains to the media, post game, about not getting "enough good looks."
12/02/06 - Official Celtics Dance Team Book Club Meeting #2 does not go well. Girls complain of "wicked long, stupid, nonsense sentences" by Woolf. Agree that "To The Lighthouse" is a poor choice, and decide that next meeting they will discuss the December issue of "O".
12/09/06 - Nets crush Celtics by 17 at Meadowlands. Jason Kidd and Marcus Williams combine for 34 points and 21 assists. Sebastian Telfair goes 1-8 from field with 1 assist (end of half heave by a crying Paul Pierce). Plays 38 minutes. Tugs on shorts five times....Gets beaten for layups by Kidd and Williams all five times. Rondo allowed on court for 16 minutes, scoring 8 points with 5 asssists and 2 steals. Does not see action in fourth quarter. Doc quoted postgame saying, "Goddamn it, if these guys don't want to hustle, I'll find someone who will! I don't understand these younger players! And if you'll excuse me, I have a damn flight to catch!" Celtics record stands at 5-14.
1/03/07 - Lebron and the Cavaliers come to Boston, with the winningest franchise in NBA history reeling at 7-23. James records first quadruple double in league history; 37 points, 16 rebounds, 10 steals and 12 assists in 20 point win over C's. Bassy records his own triple double; 10 points (on 3-12 shooting, 4-7 at the line), 11 turnovers and 14 shorts tugs on D. Owner Wyc Grousbeck tries to get "The Wave" going from his spot under the C's basket during third quarter while Boston trails by double digits. Fans in loge seats give him the finger, en masse. Wyc being filmed by crew for an upcoming FSNE documentary about him entitled, "Wyc! The One And Only!", that is scheduled to run two dozen times on the cable station in early May.
1/31/07 - The Men from La La Land come to town for the annual C's - Fakers matchup. Celtics win 72-69 as Kobe shoots just 6-22. Wyc tries unsuccessfully to get crowd to stand and cheer in third quarter during 8-0 Faker run. Fans in loge seats give him finger, en masse. Wyc pretends not to notice. Telfair continually attempts famous "shorts tug while D-ing up" as he guards Smush Parker, who scores career high 28 with no turnovers. Rondo plays 16 minutes: 7 points, 4 assists and 3 steals. Sits out fourth quarter. A sobbing Paul Pierce manages 35 in come from behind win. C's record stands at 12-33. Fakers record is 15-28. David Stern attends Spurs-Jazz game in Salt Lake City instead of NBA's greatest rivalry. Rips assistant for not being able to find a Diet Coke in all of Utah.
3/07/07 - Hubie Brown and the Rockets come to the (new) Garden for matchup with C's. Yao scores 32 on 14-18 shooting, along with 16 boards and 8 assists. Tracy McGrady is out, thankfully for the Rockets, with back spasms. Battier and Bonzi Wells combine to torch Wally for a combined 31 points and just 1 turnover. Wally bitches to Doc and Paul Pierce throughout game about lack of "quality shots for me." Paul Pierce plays game in Richard Nixon mask in effort to hide tears of grief but still records a double double; 28 and 16. Pulls Nixon mask lower on face following each Wally tirade. Coach Doc misses entire 4th quarter as last flight out of Logan for Orlando departs at 9:45pm. He is quoted as saying "Family comes first on this team" to media on way out of (new) Garden, as well as promising "More hustle or heads will roll." Several signs at (new) Garden read "Bring back M.L.!", though they are quickly ripped to shreds by security on Wyc's orders. C's record is 17-43.
4/06/07 - The World Champion Heat come to town. Beat C's handily as Dwyane Wade scores 45. As Miami grows bored during fourth quarter of blowout, Coach Pat Riley allows Wade and rookie Chris Quinn to take on entire C's team for last five minutes of game, then lights up a victory cigar in closing seconds. Security escorts him from building following final buzzer. C's are now 18-57.
4/18/07 - In final game of season Celtics are crushed by another old nemesis, the Detroit Pistons, 114-92. Paul Pierce plays entire game in haz-mat suit, yet still leads team in points, rebounds and assists. Wally pulls a game long "Pippen" and refuses to enter contest unless promised "some good looks." Doc refuses, but is more concerned with cell phoning his moving company during tv timeouts in order to insure his belonging are shipped down to Orlando ASAP. Final record = 20-62.
Season Totals =
Books read by the Official Celtics Dance Team Book Club = 1: "Culture Warrior" by Bill O'Reilly.
Bassy "shorts tug while in D-ing up posture" = 114. Resulting layups by opposing point guards = 98.
Paul Pierce averages for season = 27 points, 7 rebounds, 5 assists, 2 steals, and 5 crying fits per game.
Rajon Rondo = In limited minutes the rookie point guard leads team in assist/turnover ratio and steals.
Wyc - Attempts at leading "The Wave" = 43. Successful attempts at leading "The Wave" = 0.
posted by joe sweeney at 10:40 PM
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