Broadcasting serenity now. And... We're having a baby, baby!

2) Pam Ward? Yes, Pam Ward.

-- Question: On a drive from say, Boston down to Manhattan, with whom would you rather spend the time: ESPN's Pam Ward, or...um...maybe Billy Packer ("THAT was a great fill up, Mr. 'Pent!")? We say Pam Ward.

In the collective lifetimes of Apt404, we have never, ever tuned in to a sporting event we didn't care about simply to hear the announcers announce. But we certainly have either muted a game we wanted to see but couldn't stand listening to the broadcasters, or clicked off the ol' Sony Trinitron (with Hi-Fi) in order to escape whomever was telling us stuff we either already knew or didn't care about in the first place. Yeah, that happens all the time.

We think, and this may be a really weird, minority position, that we'd rather fly in an plane piloted by someone sober, coherent, and calm. A latter day Walter Cronkite. We'd fly with him. No way we board a plane where the pilot just crowd surfed in from the lounge. No chance. These are our lives we're putting in your care, folks, and we don't want a raving lunatic doing the driving/flying. (Our sporting lives, anyway.)

For several years now Pam Ward has been attempting to gain headway into the 100% male dominated world of bigtime play-by-play. And has caught grief from the usual anonymous posters on web sites that believe Pete Rose belongs in the Hall of Fame and Buck O'Neill doesn't. They are the minority, we thinks.

Bill Clinton was elected President twice because he was able to find a balance between the left wing nuts and the right wing nuts. He went mid nut. And won fairly easily, since he appealed to a broad range of Americans. That sounds about right for broadcasters, too. We want a relaxed, non-yelling, non-"quien es mas macho" atmosphere in which to enjoy a game. The excitement is down on the field/court and if a viewer needs someone to tell them that "that was a great tackle" or "what a big time shot that was", well, then that person doesn't really watch games for the joy of sport. You watch for some other reason.

Pam Ward and the terrific Mike Gottfried were assigned the Boston College vs Navy bowl game Saturday afternoon. We taped it and watched it the next day, and were struck by just how terrific and solid the duo was. No shouting, no talking over each other, no "flat as a crepe" attempts at humor. Just a fun, fine way to spend three and a half hours watching the BC seniors go out in style. Terrific work.

You can have your "Excitable Boys."

You can have your "three men in a booth" teams, which have only worked twice in the history of sports broadcasting. There will never be another Enberg/Al/Packer because McGuire shant be seen again by man or beast. He was one of a kind. And Cosell/Meredith/(fill in the blank) was a shooting star. Their ascent and descent was amazing to watch, but kind of scary too. Nobody gets the ratings the three networks got back in the 70's; too many channels now. So there will never be a team as influential as that. Cosell let it go to his head, and Dandy Don (Just about our favorite athlete/broadcaster. The man knows how to live.) left that world altogether a long time ago.

Just what does Apartment404.blogspot.com know about television announcing? Not a whole lot. Just that we'd really really suck. Kind of like Frank Zappa when he hosted "Saturday Night Live": not even there. Or like this: "So Christian Slater.... How 'bout this game, huh? Good to see you out and about finally. Have you been in prison? No, seriously, when was the last decent fucking flick you were in, dude? "Baboon Heart"? Yeah, that was good. Oh, you have to get going? So soon? OK, man." Yeah, that's how it would go. Either that or a terrified silence for the entire broadcast. Don't think that Disney or GE would sit still for either.

So yeah, we'll just sit back here and watch tv shows and games and ridicule the ridiculous. Because, you know, that can be a full time job if you let it.

...........

Go, Pam, go!


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1) The whole "pregnancy" thing --

Now, we understand having a child has killed off quite a few awesome programs. Like "Scrubs", "All in the Family", and "Mork and Mindy". Babies are not fucking funny. Everything but. We know that we are in some serious trouble as far as keeping up the subscription rolls once the kid hatches and we lose all credibility and edge. But come on. It's a baby. We're having a baby!

We've had ourselves tested for over 400 potential genetic mutations that might possibly lead to less than perfect offspring. The doctors have told us that there is a 99.857% chance that this kid, no matter the sex, will arrive healthy. So we decided to roll the dice anyway.

.....

The very first thing we need to get out of the way is the name. Very important.

We want a cool sounding name that will drive the other parents batshit-crazy with jealousy. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Please post your choice in the "comments" section. No limit. And remember, this is not a competition. So please, no brides accepted.

---- a) Boy's name? Masculine yet with a feminine side, too. Must sound appropriate for a 10 year old as well as a 70 year old, so Bobby and Rickey Bobby, etc., are out.

---- b) Girl's name? Feminine but not too. Can't end in "y" or "ey". Fathers, think "Is this a name I could date?"

---- c) And since we're 1/16 Greek, a name that goes both ways.

Thanks and good luck.

Let the " 'Pent Baby, Baby! " Naming Contest begin....

.....starting.....

NOW!