The "European Monarchy" Syndrome and First Dates
Mercy, it's fine and dandy that you've chosen to apply for a first date with I, Ms. Libby Waxner-Szabo. Thanks so very much for your interest. But before we make arrangements for you to buy me a massively overpriced dinner, there's a few questions I need you to answer:
=================================
1) Have you ever dated a relative of ours? By that, I mean have you ever dated a human being, born on the planet Earth, in your life? If so, select from the following list the main reason you are not currently dating this person(s), as well as listing your personal faults and hangups that contributed to the breakup. Which was obviously your fault entirely. --
a) Small penis.
b) Wouldn't put seat down. And the splashing, too.
c) Looked woman in the eyes, which really creeped her out.
d) Liked listening to Coldplay.
e) Her friends all thought you were weird.
List flaws here:
__________________ ________________ _________________
__________________ ________________ ________________
__________________ ________________ ________________
__________________ ________________ _________________
---------------------------------------------
2) How much money do you make per annum? --
a) Less than $100,000 -- If so, please throw this application and yourself in the nearest trash can, you fucking waste of a life.
b) Between $101,000 and $500,000 -- Yours will be put into the "possibilities" folder.
c) More than $500,000 but less than David Letterman makes -- Pretty good, but you're not really trying, are you?
d) Leno territory -- Jackpot! Bring the Magnums.
---------------------------------------------
3) How many times per visit can you perform the sexy act? --
a) Less than 3 -- Sorry, geek, but you are outta here. Keep practicing.
b) Between 4 and 7 -- Mmmmmm. Getting warm.
c) More than 7 -- Look for our phone number on numerous craigslist posts, Mr. Hot Stuff!
d) Can't count that high. We have a multitaneous orgasmic penis, which allows for an infinite number of orgasms over a period of five or so hours. And yes, you're welcome. In advance. -- Come on down and let's get to work!
---------------------------------------------
4) When you stopped dating our sister/cousin/niece/daughter/mother/divorce lawyer recently, did she: --
a) File a restraining order on your ass?
b) Charge that sweet Nicole Miller dress she wanted to your AmEx?
c) Slash the tires on your '97 Bronco 4X4?
d) Give you the finger? And not in a nice way.
e) Kill your pet fish?
If not, why not.
---------------------------------------------
5) When we contact our sister/cousin/niece/daughter/mother/divorce lawyer, what is the total number of sexual inadequacies she'll describe in detail concerning you and your dick? --
a) More than 15 -- Show's over. Tear this fucker up and go to myspace.com, asshole. And watch out for any Dateline NBC reporters.
b) Between 12 and 14 -- Exactly WHAT were these flaws? And will I still be able to obtain orgasm (with help of big black vibrating dildo, presumedly)?
c) Around 8 -- Pretty good, but that still leaves a lot of ground for me to ridicule you about. Thankfully.
d) Less than 5 -- You. Are. A. Fucking. Stud. Let's get it on!
---------------------------------------------
6) True/False question -- Do you have any Aimee Mann songs on that "Good Stuff" Playlist in your iPod?
True -- Leave now and forget you ever saw this list of questions.
False -- Keep going, Mr. Potentially Heterosexual Dating Material.
---------------------------------------------
7) Why do you hate your parents so much?
a) Because my father was a drunk and my mother a narcissistic nut job who left me in the care of a stool inspecting family of child molesters. Oh wait, I'm saving that for my novel. I mean autobiography.
b) Because I'm Catholic.
c) Because I'm Jewish.
d) I don't hate them. I actually admire and like them very much. They are great people who should be role models for any and all parents.
(Should you pick d, go back to listening to your Coldplay and George Michael and watching the Animal Planet channel, and leave us alone.)
---------------------------------------------
8) What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
a) Coors Light. -- Heil, my fuhrer!
b) Mike's Lemonade. Any flavor. -- Fuck off, you poser.
c) Pure grain alchohol. Through a straw. -- Awesome. We'll send the ambulance over to transport you to the Waxner-Szabo estate, straightaway.
d) Whiskey Sour. -- See b.
---------------------------------------------
9) Highest education level attained?
a) MD -- UMass College of Medicine? Or better?
b) DO -- New England College of Medicine? Or better?
c) DS -- UConn Dental? Or better?
d) PA -- Give it up, chuck, and head to the local senior high school, where your intellect can be appreciated.
---------------------------------------------
10) True/False: Do you like to watch?
True -- Grab the camcorder and let 'er rip, Big Fella!
False -- Grab a whip and dive in, Big Fella!
---------------------------------------------
Fail? -- Go hit the nearest Applebees bar (Now conveniently located in Biddeford, Portland, South Portland, and North Windham). Maybe you'll have better luck there.
Pass? -- Take two "Mother fucker's little helpers" and contact us immediately, you glowing bunch of manparts, you!
(BTW, passing or failing is entirely up to the discrertion of Ms. Waxner-Szabo in her "not-quite-that-time-of-the-month-yet" periods of coherency.)
---------------------------------------------
Have no fear, potential dates, for tomorrow brings blue, blue skies.
If you ask me.
Which you didn't.
=================================
1) Have you ever dated a relative of ours? By that, I mean have you ever dated a human being, born on the planet Earth, in your life? If so, select from the following list the main reason you are not currently dating this person(s), as well as listing your personal faults and hangups that contributed to the breakup. Which was obviously your fault entirely. --
a) Small penis.
b) Wouldn't put seat down. And the splashing, too.
c) Looked woman in the eyes, which really creeped her out.
d) Liked listening to Coldplay.
e) Her friends all thought you were weird.
List flaws here:
__________________ ________________ _________________
__________________ ________________ ________________
__________________ ________________ ________________
__________________ ________________ _________________
---------------------------------------------
2) How much money do you make per annum? --
a) Less than $100,000 -- If so, please throw this application and yourself in the nearest trash can, you fucking waste of a life.
b) Between $101,000 and $500,000 -- Yours will be put into the "possibilities" folder.
c) More than $500,000 but less than David Letterman makes -- Pretty good, but you're not really trying, are you?
d) Leno territory -- Jackpot! Bring the Magnums.
---------------------------------------------
3) How many times per visit can you perform the sexy act? --
a) Less than 3 -- Sorry, geek, but you are outta here. Keep practicing.
b) Between 4 and 7 -- Mmmmmm. Getting warm.
c) More than 7 -- Look for our phone number on numerous craigslist posts, Mr. Hot Stuff!
d) Can't count that high. We have a multitaneous orgasmic penis, which allows for an infinite number of orgasms over a period of five or so hours. And yes, you're welcome. In advance. -- Come on down and let's get to work!
---------------------------------------------
4) When you stopped dating our sister/cousin/niece/daughter/mother/divorce lawyer recently, did she: --
a) File a restraining order on your ass?
b) Charge that sweet Nicole Miller dress she wanted to your AmEx?
c) Slash the tires on your '97 Bronco 4X4?
d) Give you the finger? And not in a nice way.
e) Kill your pet fish?
If not, why not.
---------------------------------------------
5) When we contact our sister/cousin/niece/daughter/mother/divorce lawyer, what is the total number of sexual inadequacies she'll describe in detail concerning you and your dick? --
a) More than 15 -- Show's over. Tear this fucker up and go to myspace.com, asshole. And watch out for any Dateline NBC reporters.
b) Between 12 and 14 -- Exactly WHAT were these flaws? And will I still be able to obtain orgasm (with help of big black vibrating dildo, presumedly)?
c) Around 8 -- Pretty good, but that still leaves a lot of ground for me to ridicule you about. Thankfully.
d) Less than 5 -- You. Are. A. Fucking. Stud. Let's get it on!
---------------------------------------------
6) True/False question -- Do you have any Aimee Mann songs on that "Good Stuff" Playlist in your iPod?
True -- Leave now and forget you ever saw this list of questions.
False -- Keep going, Mr. Potentially Heterosexual Dating Material.
---------------------------------------------
7) Why do you hate your parents so much?
a) Because my father was a drunk and my mother a narcissistic nut job who left me in the care of a stool inspecting family of child molesters. Oh wait, I'm saving that for my novel. I mean autobiography.
b) Because I'm Catholic.
c) Because I'm Jewish.
d) I don't hate them. I actually admire and like them very much. They are great people who should be role models for any and all parents.
(Should you pick d, go back to listening to your Coldplay and George Michael and watching the Animal Planet channel, and leave us alone.)
---------------------------------------------
8) What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
a) Coors Light. -- Heil, my fuhrer!
b) Mike's Lemonade. Any flavor. -- Fuck off, you poser.
c) Pure grain alchohol. Through a straw. -- Awesome. We'll send the ambulance over to transport you to the Waxner-Szabo estate, straightaway.
d) Whiskey Sour. -- See b.
---------------------------------------------
9) Highest education level attained?
a) MD -- UMass College of Medicine? Or better?
b) DO -- New England College of Medicine? Or better?
c) DS -- UConn Dental? Or better?
d) PA -- Give it up, chuck, and head to the local senior high school, where your intellect can be appreciated.
---------------------------------------------
10) True/False: Do you like to watch?
True -- Grab the camcorder and let 'er rip, Big Fella!
False -- Grab a whip and dive in, Big Fella!
---------------------------------------------
Fail? -- Go hit the nearest Applebees bar (Now conveniently located in Biddeford, Portland, South Portland, and North Windham). Maybe you'll have better luck there.
Pass? -- Take two "Mother fucker's little helpers" and contact us immediately, you glowing bunch of manparts, you!
(BTW, passing or failing is entirely up to the discrertion of Ms. Waxner-Szabo in her "not-quite-that-time-of-the-month-yet" periods of coherency.)
---------------------------------------------
Have no fear, potential dates, for tomorrow brings blue, blue skies.
If you ask me.
Which you didn't.
posted by joe sweeney at 8:41 PM
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