The Solution - Once Upon A Time In My Life - Part 10
I want to have some fucking fun, so I decide to drink.
I work my summer job in 1985 at a Weathervane seafood restaurant. The other guys and gals there party a little, not too much. I feel left out. Why do they get to have all the fun and not me? I decide halfway through the summer that once I get back to campus in Oxford I will become normal, that I will be just like every other kid. No more shyness. No more insecurities. No more self hating. It is the best decision of my young life, I know. After I decide that I will drink in the fall I find myself arguing more and more with Dad. He doesn't know yet that I am now a man. He pushes my buttons and I push back. No more taking shit. He'll see.
Dad drives me back to school in late August. We spend much of the two day ride in silence. Memories of his support for me freshman year are fleeting and inconsequential. I know what I want.
First day back I move into Scott Hall, a large dorm in the middle of the main quad on campus. I buy some cheap beer, as the drinking age in Ohio is 18. Sour and sweet. Not too bad. I've had sips before and maybe one or two entire cans, but this is my first time "for real" drinking. One down. Two down. My legs get longer, my feet bigger. My face softer. I am an unclenched fist for the first time in my fucking life. This is why they drink. So now I know. This is quite obviously the happiest I've ever been.
I walk to two friends room on what is called Western campus, about a mile away from Scott. They have maybe a dozen people over, not really a party, just kids hanging out. I no longer feel afraid, feel judged, feel stupid. The night passes too damn fast and I have to go home. Why is my friend walking with me, accompanying me home? I nearly sprint into a tree and laugh. My friend is not laughing, but nervously exhaling and walking just ahead of me, fast. Me, I have found the answer and there is no turning back.
The next day I wake up to the same shit I hate so much. I am not different, but still the same loser. The shower feels the same, breakfast feels the same. I had my hands on the answer and it is gone. For good.
That night, I buy some more beer. Another twelve pack. The feeling of invincibility returns after two or three. I must stay this way forever. How could I have waited so long, been so fearful?
About a week into the semester my RA pulls me aside. "Joe, do you have a girlfriend back home? Is that why you are so quiet?" Quiet? I've never felt better in my whole life. The whole day is a matter of waiting to drink. I can't wait to crack open the first beer, to get that magic feeling back in my throat, my eyes, my head. "No", I tell him, "no girl. I'm good."
The best night of my life comes maybe a month into the school year. Walking into that same RA's room, I hear, "Here comes the party animal!" Awesome! I have arrived. I am normal.
Quickly, I have entire nights I can't remember. I wake up to urine soaked sheets and mattress. People look at me in the morning and can only shake their heads, why I can't figure out. My friend G. and his roommate become my major drinking partners, though most of the nights I spend with them are gone from my brain. I only recall the first few beers, then oblivion. This is fun. This is right.
I never feel unsafe. Oxford has no crime, no traffic jams, no sprawl. We walk everywhere so the danger of drunk driving is not an issue. I know G. and J. will take care of me, so the blackouts do not have consequences. I discover grain alchohol and kool aid. This is the fastest way to get drunk and hits me like a sledgehammer. Pure bliss, pure unconsciousness.
I work my summer job in 1985 at a Weathervane seafood restaurant. The other guys and gals there party a little, not too much. I feel left out. Why do they get to have all the fun and not me? I decide halfway through the summer that once I get back to campus in Oxford I will become normal, that I will be just like every other kid. No more shyness. No more insecurities. No more self hating. It is the best decision of my young life, I know. After I decide that I will drink in the fall I find myself arguing more and more with Dad. He doesn't know yet that I am now a man. He pushes my buttons and I push back. No more taking shit. He'll see.
Dad drives me back to school in late August. We spend much of the two day ride in silence. Memories of his support for me freshman year are fleeting and inconsequential. I know what I want.
First day back I move into Scott Hall, a large dorm in the middle of the main quad on campus. I buy some cheap beer, as the drinking age in Ohio is 18. Sour and sweet. Not too bad. I've had sips before and maybe one or two entire cans, but this is my first time "for real" drinking. One down. Two down. My legs get longer, my feet bigger. My face softer. I am an unclenched fist for the first time in my fucking life. This is why they drink. So now I know. This is quite obviously the happiest I've ever been.
I walk to two friends room on what is called Western campus, about a mile away from Scott. They have maybe a dozen people over, not really a party, just kids hanging out. I no longer feel afraid, feel judged, feel stupid. The night passes too damn fast and I have to go home. Why is my friend walking with me, accompanying me home? I nearly sprint into a tree and laugh. My friend is not laughing, but nervously exhaling and walking just ahead of me, fast. Me, I have found the answer and there is no turning back.
The next day I wake up to the same shit I hate so much. I am not different, but still the same loser. The shower feels the same, breakfast feels the same. I had my hands on the answer and it is gone. For good.
That night, I buy some more beer. Another twelve pack. The feeling of invincibility returns after two or three. I must stay this way forever. How could I have waited so long, been so fearful?
About a week into the semester my RA pulls me aside. "Joe, do you have a girlfriend back home? Is that why you are so quiet?" Quiet? I've never felt better in my whole life. The whole day is a matter of waiting to drink. I can't wait to crack open the first beer, to get that magic feeling back in my throat, my eyes, my head. "No", I tell him, "no girl. I'm good."
The best night of my life comes maybe a month into the school year. Walking into that same RA's room, I hear, "Here comes the party animal!" Awesome! I have arrived. I am normal.
Quickly, I have entire nights I can't remember. I wake up to urine soaked sheets and mattress. People look at me in the morning and can only shake their heads, why I can't figure out. My friend G. and his roommate become my major drinking partners, though most of the nights I spend with them are gone from my brain. I only recall the first few beers, then oblivion. This is fun. This is right.
I never feel unsafe. Oxford has no crime, no traffic jams, no sprawl. We walk everywhere so the danger of drunk driving is not an issue. I know G. and J. will take care of me, so the blackouts do not have consequences. I discover grain alchohol and kool aid. This is the fastest way to get drunk and hits me like a sledgehammer. Pure bliss, pure unconsciousness.
posted by joe sweeney at 5:31 PM
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