Mail Call: All Female Edition
Lately we've been inundated with cards and letters from loyal readers wanting to get some 'Pent-vice from the staff. Doesn't anyone know how to use email? Apartment 404 is only a couple of hundred square feet, and a third of that is already overflowing with Jessica Drake dvds. We don't have the space for all this snailmail! So we'll answer a handful of reader questions and reply to the rest with handwritten letters. We're old school!
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First question...
From Tammi of Buxton: "Can a woman can be too tan or have too many tattoos?"
Hell, yes! Didn't you know? Tans, at least the dark, dark ones, are passe. Unhealthy, time consuming, and kinda gross, they are. A nice glow from a few hours in the sun a week is hot. But get too dark and you are hurting your skin, and our eyes as well. Ease up on the blackening, ladies. And tattoos? Followers! Your older brothers and sisters and all the cool kids in high school got them, so you got a bunch too. Followers! Just because it was neat to get a tattoo fifteen years ago, when only the cool people had them, does not mean that a woman should cover half her body in badly drawn, poorly thought out "art." For example, Angelina Jolie: Pass, man. We pass. She has about a dozen tattoos. No one can come up with enough designs and slogans for a dozen tattoos. It's a trend that is done. The time for tattoos is past. Now belly button piercings? We're down with that. But for most women you don't get to see the belly button unless people are getting intimate. We think that's cool. Oh yeah: tongue piercings? Gross.
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Next question. Rose of Scarborough: "We know you like your workouts at World Gym. What do you think is the most productive way for a woman to spend an hour in the gym three times a week?"
Great question, Rose. We've been working hard lately trying to lose our med belly (Effexor, Latuda, and Ambien, mostly) and put some thought into this for our female readers. Ease up on the damn tricep exercises! Arms are mostly a waste of time, as we here at The 'Pent have discussed before. Here's what a woman trying to make the most of her three hours a week at World should do:
1) Smith Machine Squats - 2 sets, lower thighs to the point of being parallel to floor during the lift. Think of your booty!
2) Dumbbell Pullovers on a Flat Bench - Great for the entire upper body and abs
3) Shoulder Press Machine - Forget working arms, work your shoulders. Look at the President's wife: She can kick your ass with those delts!
4) Calf Raise Machine - Not fun because you can't look in the mirror to see what's happening, but calves make a difference in a person's appearance
5) Back Hyperextension Bench - Again, not fun because you can't see what you're doing. But it shapes the ass and lower back.
That should take 20 minutes or so. Then get on the treadmill or stepper or whatever and grind it out for 30 minutes. Take a shower. You're done!
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Next.
Natalie of Freeport asks: "I had a first date last night with a friend of a friend. I was running 15 minutes late, and apologized when I got to the Farmer's Table where my guy was waiting for me. He seemed annoyed that I was late, and mentioned it twice in a half joking way. What do you make of this?"
Red flag, Nat! Big red flag. Men who hate to wait on their womenfolk are controllers. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong, then something is wrong. Men who control women don't change. Never, ever. They don't have to. Aggressive, controlling behavior is rewarded financially in many careers. Do you think a good salesmen lets other people set the agenda, or show up late? No, they make others bend to their will. But that same salesman who makes a lot of money, or at least enough to get by, may make for an abysmal boyfriend. Trust your gut on this one. Wait for someone better, Natalie. People, and women especially, need to pay attention to these kinds of red flags. Being in a bad relationship is infinitely worse than being in none at all in all ways except paying the rent.
-----------
Pam of Augusta: "I've heard you subscribe to a ton of magazines. What are the best women's fashion magazines for someone on a budget?"
The best fashion magazine is the iconic "Vogue." But no way in hell most folks can afford the clothes they write about. For a dollar an issue, we would suggest "In Style" and "People Stylewatch". Cool, cheap stuff in there, and lots of it.
------------
Audrey of Rockland: "I hate silence. Is that a good thing?"
No! Very, very bad. Silence is welcome in The 'Pent. If you can't be alone with your thoughts for an hour or two a day, at least, then something is wrong with your life. Humans aren't meant to be on the go all day long. It doesn't matter how busy you and your family are, you need some downtime, some alone time, some time to just think. That's what we believe, anyway. We could be wrong.
------------
Mandy, who lives in the Old Port section of Portland: "Is 'The Tree of Life' possibly the best movie since 'Pulp Fiction', which was released 17 years ago?"
It might be. We need to see it again, and think about this a little bit more, but that is one incredible movie. Terrence Malick has reportedly been working on this project for about three decades. It turned out to be the accomplishment of a lifetime for him. Seeing the film is a challenging experience, and the staff members who saw it at the Nickelodeon in Portland were quite shocked that about 35 people were in the theatre with us on Sunday evening. We expected maybe 5. Hopefully, Malick will make a few bucks on this masterpiece.
------------
That's all for the Mail Call. See you next month, when we do an All Man edition and discuss smelly underwear and toe jam!
============
First question...
From Tammi of Buxton: "Can a woman can be too tan or have too many tattoos?"
Hell, yes! Didn't you know? Tans, at least the dark, dark ones, are passe. Unhealthy, time consuming, and kinda gross, they are. A nice glow from a few hours in the sun a week is hot. But get too dark and you are hurting your skin, and our eyes as well. Ease up on the blackening, ladies. And tattoos? Followers! Your older brothers and sisters and all the cool kids in high school got them, so you got a bunch too. Followers! Just because it was neat to get a tattoo fifteen years ago, when only the cool people had them, does not mean that a woman should cover half her body in badly drawn, poorly thought out "art." For example, Angelina Jolie: Pass, man. We pass. She has about a dozen tattoos. No one can come up with enough designs and slogans for a dozen tattoos. It's a trend that is done. The time for tattoos is past. Now belly button piercings? We're down with that. But for most women you don't get to see the belly button unless people are getting intimate. We think that's cool. Oh yeah: tongue piercings? Gross.
---------------
Next question. Rose of Scarborough: "We know you like your workouts at World Gym. What do you think is the most productive way for a woman to spend an hour in the gym three times a week?"
Great question, Rose. We've been working hard lately trying to lose our med belly (Effexor, Latuda, and Ambien, mostly) and put some thought into this for our female readers. Ease up on the damn tricep exercises! Arms are mostly a waste of time, as we here at The 'Pent have discussed before. Here's what a woman trying to make the most of her three hours a week at World should do:
1) Smith Machine Squats - 2 sets, lower thighs to the point of being parallel to floor during the lift. Think of your booty!
2) Dumbbell Pullovers on a Flat Bench - Great for the entire upper body and abs
3) Shoulder Press Machine - Forget working arms, work your shoulders. Look at the President's wife: She can kick your ass with those delts!
4) Calf Raise Machine - Not fun because you can't look in the mirror to see what's happening, but calves make a difference in a person's appearance
5) Back Hyperextension Bench - Again, not fun because you can't see what you're doing. But it shapes the ass and lower back.
That should take 20 minutes or so. Then get on the treadmill or stepper or whatever and grind it out for 30 minutes. Take a shower. You're done!
----------
Next.
Natalie of Freeport asks: "I had a first date last night with a friend of a friend. I was running 15 minutes late, and apologized when I got to the Farmer's Table where my guy was waiting for me. He seemed annoyed that I was late, and mentioned it twice in a half joking way. What do you make of this?"
Red flag, Nat! Big red flag. Men who hate to wait on their womenfolk are controllers. If your gut is telling you that something is wrong, then something is wrong. Men who control women don't change. Never, ever. They don't have to. Aggressive, controlling behavior is rewarded financially in many careers. Do you think a good salesmen lets other people set the agenda, or show up late? No, they make others bend to their will. But that same salesman who makes a lot of money, or at least enough to get by, may make for an abysmal boyfriend. Trust your gut on this one. Wait for someone better, Natalie. People, and women especially, need to pay attention to these kinds of red flags. Being in a bad relationship is infinitely worse than being in none at all in all ways except paying the rent.
-----------
Pam of Augusta: "I've heard you subscribe to a ton of magazines. What are the best women's fashion magazines for someone on a budget?"
The best fashion magazine is the iconic "Vogue." But no way in hell most folks can afford the clothes they write about. For a dollar an issue, we would suggest "In Style" and "People Stylewatch". Cool, cheap stuff in there, and lots of it.
------------
Audrey of Rockland: "I hate silence. Is that a good thing?"
No! Very, very bad. Silence is welcome in The 'Pent. If you can't be alone with your thoughts for an hour or two a day, at least, then something is wrong with your life. Humans aren't meant to be on the go all day long. It doesn't matter how busy you and your family are, you need some downtime, some alone time, some time to just think. That's what we believe, anyway. We could be wrong.
------------
Mandy, who lives in the Old Port section of Portland: "Is 'The Tree of Life' possibly the best movie since 'Pulp Fiction', which was released 17 years ago?"
It might be. We need to see it again, and think about this a little bit more, but that is one incredible movie. Terrence Malick has reportedly been working on this project for about three decades. It turned out to be the accomplishment of a lifetime for him. Seeing the film is a challenging experience, and the staff members who saw it at the Nickelodeon in Portland were quite shocked that about 35 people were in the theatre with us on Sunday evening. We expected maybe 5. Hopefully, Malick will make a few bucks on this masterpiece.
------------
That's all for the Mail Call. See you next month, when we do an All Man edition and discuss smelly underwear and toe jam!
posted by joe sweeney at 4:10 PM
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