Fucking Bastards Won't Leave Me Alone

Alright. Alright. We're going to put to rest the rumors that Hank Szabo, head writer here at Apt404, is gay. It's not true. He's all man. But....

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Here's the evidence offered in various chat rooms throughout Southern Maine that attempt to prove Hank is homosexual:

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He loves "Phantom of the Opera", but not the soundtrack from the movie. Crawford.

He reads ALL the fashion magazines.

He paints his toenails.

He eats bananas by the bushel.

He can cook decently, and is trying to learn more.

He adores "West Side Story" and knows that the cast and crew was one big fagfest, besides Natalie Wood.

He has a tiny Hugh Grant poster, from the second Bridget Jones movie, on the ceiling in the kitchen.

He dislikes intensely the phony that is Sandy Bullock. And he knows she has limited taste.

He listens to Britney Spears a lot.

He read, and liked, "I Am Charlotte Simmons."

He knows Wilt was gay.

He can listen to and be brought nearly to tears by the song "My Heart Will Go On", but can't stand Kate's hair in that movie.

He could listen to awesomely handsome Joe Buck announce NASCAR and still pay attention.