5 Rules of the Road, M********R, plus #6 is just a rant.
1) Use your right turn signal at least once a day. Medical professionals say that use of a right turn signal can prevent heart disease, tuberculosis, and getting an '06 Corolla rammed up your ass. Just once a day. Try it. It helps out.
2) If you are driving 67mph in the passing lane on 95, get the f**k over to the slow lane. Right now. No matter what.
3) For the cautious driver please note that travelling 55mph in a 65 mph is about as dangerous to you and the rest of the crew around you as if you are motoring at about 85. It is usually difference in speed on a highway that leads to trouble. So please, please just go at least 65, oldtimer. Or maybe 64...ok?
4) Indecipherable license plates give me headaches. I saw one the other day on Maine plates: "SMALPT". What the F**K does THAT mean?!?!? It makes no sense. That damn car was not commercial, just a regular volkswagen or honda or something generic. Is this your license plate? Explain yourself! Do you mean "HALFPINT"? Or "SMALL...whatever..maybe FRY"? I am banging my damn skull into my keyboard right now trying to figure that one out.
I know, I know. Personalized plates cost about nothing. But what the F**K good is a "special" plate when no one other than your immediate family and coworkers have a clue as to what you are trying to say, and only because you spent 15 minutes explaining the "special meaning" to each and every one of them?
Vanity plates: I just don't get it. No, I don't get it. Never have.
5) It should be goddamn illegal to be driving a brang spankin' new, bright (I say B-R-I-G-H-T) Red Monte Carlo SS 39mph in a 50 zone, like I got stuck behind in Kennebunkport/Arundel tonight. What is the point of having a muscle car if ya ain't usin' da muscle. To pick up chicks? I guess, but Arundel isn't the most happening spots for picking up 50+ year old honeys, bud. Pick it the F**K up, por favor.
6) Not really a rule, but when an 89 year old woman (from Vermont) wins a $2 plus million dollar lottery and says she'll pay off her car loan, she goddamn better be driving a fleet of Ferraris. Or she is very, very, very senile. What a shame. I think I'll stab myself with a big fucken fork in the eye right now.
She'll pay off her car loan with the $2 million dollars (less about $1 million in Uncle Sam's cut) apparently. Ms. Jewett-Emery is quoted in the Press Herald as saying her vehicle would require a "big chunk" of the loot....so she obviously drives at least an original Hummer or a new 750 BMW at present time? Someone get this old broad a Sharper Image catalog. An unlimited miles air pass with whatever carrier she chooses. Whatever. Just don't pay off the Buick Century 1989 Limited Edition with your damn $2 million. Please. If this is possible then surely you got screwed on the financing.
Just to note....
Ms. Jewett-Emery has been cited several times in the past two decades by Springfield, VT police for various violations, including the following three misdemeanors:
- 12/15/04: cited for paying a $4.35 bill for pantyhose at the local Target Superstore with four ones, five nickels and a dime. It took Ms. Jewett-Emery 23 minutes to retrieve the change from her change purse, leading to 3 heart attacks among the customers waiting in line behind her. She paid her $50 dollar fine with a twenty dollar bill, four fives, thirty quarters, and 250 pennies, all of which smelled of "Snug Denture Cushions", also located in Ms. Jewett-Emery's changepurse.
- 3/22/05: citing for incorrect use of turn signals by a local patrol officer, as. Mr. Jewett-Emery has had her left turn signal in the "ON" position since the death of her husband Emery Emery, back in the spring of 1988. Enough was enough.
- 8/08/06: cited for paying Herbie, the guy who cuts her lawn and at 37 lives at home with his mother and their 6 cats $20 for mowing her lawn for the months of July and August 2006. This was after she had won the $2 million. Apparently she is trying to prevent Herbie from getting all "uppity" and prevent him from "sticking his nose in the air" about knowing a millionaire such as Ms. Jewett-Emery. The citation was for "Sensational Cheapness Following an Unforeseen Financial Windfall". Ms. Jewett-Emery once again paid her $50 fine with small bills and smelly loose change.
2) If you are driving 67mph in the passing lane on 95, get the f**k over to the slow lane. Right now. No matter what.
3) For the cautious driver please note that travelling 55mph in a 65 mph is about as dangerous to you and the rest of the crew around you as if you are motoring at about 85. It is usually difference in speed on a highway that leads to trouble. So please, please just go at least 65, oldtimer. Or maybe 64...ok?
4) Indecipherable license plates give me headaches. I saw one the other day on Maine plates: "SMALPT". What the F**K does THAT mean?!?!? It makes no sense. That damn car was not commercial, just a regular volkswagen or honda or something generic. Is this your license plate? Explain yourself! Do you mean "HALFPINT"? Or "SMALL...whatever..maybe FRY"? I am banging my damn skull into my keyboard right now trying to figure that one out.
I know, I know. Personalized plates cost about nothing. But what the F**K good is a "special" plate when no one other than your immediate family and coworkers have a clue as to what you are trying to say, and only because you spent 15 minutes explaining the "special meaning" to each and every one of them?
Vanity plates: I just don't get it. No, I don't get it. Never have.
5) It should be goddamn illegal to be driving a brang spankin' new, bright (I say B-R-I-G-H-T) Red Monte Carlo SS 39mph in a 50 zone, like I got stuck behind in Kennebunkport/Arundel tonight. What is the point of having a muscle car if ya ain't usin' da muscle. To pick up chicks? I guess, but Arundel isn't the most happening spots for picking up 50+ year old honeys, bud. Pick it the F**K up, por favor.
6) Not really a rule, but when an 89 year old woman (from Vermont) wins a $2 plus million dollar lottery and says she'll pay off her car loan, she goddamn better be driving a fleet of Ferraris. Or she is very, very, very senile. What a shame. I think I'll stab myself with a big fucken fork in the eye right now.
She'll pay off her car loan with the $2 million dollars (less about $1 million in Uncle Sam's cut) apparently. Ms. Jewett-Emery is quoted in the Press Herald as saying her vehicle would require a "big chunk" of the loot....so she obviously drives at least an original Hummer or a new 750 BMW at present time? Someone get this old broad a Sharper Image catalog. An unlimited miles air pass with whatever carrier she chooses. Whatever. Just don't pay off the Buick Century 1989 Limited Edition with your damn $2 million. Please. If this is possible then surely you got screwed on the financing.
Just to note....
Ms. Jewett-Emery has been cited several times in the past two decades by Springfield, VT police for various violations, including the following three misdemeanors:
- 12/15/04: cited for paying a $4.35 bill for pantyhose at the local Target Superstore with four ones, five nickels and a dime. It took Ms. Jewett-Emery 23 minutes to retrieve the change from her change purse, leading to 3 heart attacks among the customers waiting in line behind her. She paid her $50 dollar fine with a twenty dollar bill, four fives, thirty quarters, and 250 pennies, all of which smelled of "Snug Denture Cushions", also located in Ms. Jewett-Emery's changepurse.
- 3/22/05: citing for incorrect use of turn signals by a local patrol officer, as. Mr. Jewett-Emery has had her left turn signal in the "ON" position since the death of her husband Emery Emery, back in the spring of 1988. Enough was enough.
- 8/08/06: cited for paying Herbie, the guy who cuts her lawn and at 37 lives at home with his mother and their 6 cats $20 for mowing her lawn for the months of July and August 2006. This was after she had won the $2 million. Apparently she is trying to prevent Herbie from getting all "uppity" and prevent him from "sticking his nose in the air" about knowing a millionaire such as Ms. Jewett-Emery. The citation was for "Sensational Cheapness Following an Unforeseen Financial Windfall". Ms. Jewett-Emery once again paid her $50 fine with small bills and smelly loose change.
posted by joe sweeney at 11:47 PM
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