The New Business Paradigm

News Item: The New York Times reports "ConocoPhillips, the first major American oil company to report results for the second quarter, said today that its profits leapt by nearly two-thirds, a windfall it owes largely to soaring world oil prices."

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News Release: McDonalds Corp., 7/26/06.

McDonalds is proud to announce record profits for the quarter ended 6/30/06. Chairman and CEO Ray Crock, Jr. had the following comments concerning the company's $20 billion net income before taxes (net income after taxes was $19.999999 billion):

"Due to the rising cost of beef, energy, interest rates, and the settlement of various lawsuits involving E. coli poisoning, along with union busting, and workers compensation expenses, our beloved McDonalds Corp. saw a massive rise in expenses. And thankfully, in accordance with the new American business paradigm (heretofore known as the ConocoPhillips/Rising Costs Rule of Increased Profit), we saw our income skyrocket. Now that, as businessmen, we understand that any and all costs can easily be transferred to the consumer, with a healthy windfall added on, no healthy company can use the excuse of "rising costs" to expain away reduced profits or even losses.

And with the ongoing wars in the Middle East facing likely escalation, McDonalds Corp. is looking forward to the new quarter, expecting gas prices to rise at least 20%. Also, interest rates are expected to rise by by as much as .05% due to the current administration's mishandling of the overall economy, and hopefully a few new fat lawsuit settlements are on the horizon. So we're looking for an even bigger and better second half of 2006. As long as costs continue to rise, profits should rise at an equal if not greater rate. We're crossing our fingers here at McDonalds."