New Boss Same as the Old Boss: The new media reveal their true feelings about depression/suicide:
From Kissing Suzy Kolber: This is, I think, an attempt at humor.
"Jones : TO Wanted Out: A statement from Cowboys owner/GM Jerry Jones to KSK reveals that TO wasn't happy in Dallas, and wanted out. I spoke briefly with Jones earlier this morning.
Kissing Suzy Kolber: You might think what he's done is shocking.
Jerry Jones: Yeah, um, to me though suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems that life has given him.
KSK: That's good, but TO would never use the word "myriad."
Jones: This is the last thing he'll ever do. He's going to want to cash in on as many 50 cent words as possible.
KSK: Yeah, but he missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago.
Jones: That only proves my point more. The word is a badge of his failures at this school.
(posted by Monday Morning Punter/KissingSuzyKolber")
______________________________________
Also from KSK:
"Life It Seems To Fade Away...
In case you weren't already aware, Cowboys wideout Terrell Owens has apparently tried to kill himself. Is it fair to make fun of a man who may be in his darkest hour and in need of serious mental counseling?
I say yup.
TO has long been someone who desperately desires attention, negative or otherwise. So I think TO (who is not dead) would have wanted it this way, with people brutally flaying him with rapturous glee. That way, other people can step in and say, "Hey, he's a person too, assbag!", thus causing TO be viewed in a highly sympathetic light, leading up to Pontius Pilate's swift execution order.
In other words, we at KSK plan on giving TO exactly what he wants. Stay tuned today for our numerous theories on why TO decided to try and half-assedly knock himself off. Seriously, has anyone died from attempting suicide by ingesting pills (cue random commenter who has a loved one that actually did)? TO didn't want to die. He just wanted a $5 million advance for his memoirs. What a tactician."
____________________________________________
Some more attemts at funny by KSK:
"The Timeline for our Darkest Day
Disclaimer: I recognize the severity of suicide. I have very personal reservations telling jokes about it. But this is an NFL humor site, and we have work to do. When I found out how T.O.'s day went yesterday, I had to share it. My apologies for the military time. And for the poor taste. But mostly just the military time..."
============================
From Sports Illustrated's Don Banks. He calls Owens attempt "bizarre".
============================
From Pat Forde at ESPN.com, writing that Owens life is an "absolute carnival."
============================
From the Cowboys blog on AOL Sports: "Owens, T.O. need to get their head together."
============================
From Deadspin.com:
"• The kids at Kissing Suzy Kolber have all kinds of irresponsible (and, therefore, quite fun) theories."
============================
From Seattlest.
"But if there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that Terrell Owens is immature."
============================
Dan Marino and Cris Carter on Inside the NFL on HBO:
Carter on Owens press conference on Wednesday: "He looked good." "He needs to be examined."
Marino, no brain surgeon he, was whining about how a lot of people's "livelihoods"' are dependant on this man, and thus he needed to be checked out. Presumably so he could get back to work as soon as possible.
That's exactly what this guy needs: folks like Marino and Carter giving him advice.
============================
To sum it all up: Depressed? Stop the whining and get back to work ASAP.
New boss same as the old boss. In more ways than one.
============================
9/28/06 Edit: Just one more....
From TheBigLead.com:
"There are eight million and three theories flying around the net about just what the heck happened to the Cowboys star, but for reasons unknown, we haven’t seen this one, which comes from a reader who may or may not know a thing about drugs:
'Painkillers are an easy way to get high. Did the publicist tell the police it was suicide to steer police clear of the fact that TO may have been trying to get high? Do you know how many people use painkillers to get high?'
Uh no, we don’t. But we like it!
A last word on the suicide angle: If it all hinges upon Owens saying, ‘yes’ when asked about harming himself, well, that’s pretty weak. If you’ve ever been hopped up on codeine during an illness, you’ve probably mumbled some dumb shit to your wife/girlfriend/fiancée that has gotten you in trouble. Right?"
==============================
"Jones : TO Wanted Out: A statement from Cowboys owner/GM Jerry Jones to KSK reveals that TO wasn't happy in Dallas, and wanted out. I spoke briefly with Jones earlier this morning.
Kissing Suzy Kolber: You might think what he's done is shocking.
Jerry Jones: Yeah, um, to me though suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems that life has given him.
KSK: That's good, but TO would never use the word "myriad."
Jones: This is the last thing he'll ever do. He's going to want to cash in on as many 50 cent words as possible.
KSK: Yeah, but he missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago.
Jones: That only proves my point more. The word is a badge of his failures at this school.
(posted by Monday Morning Punter/KissingSuzyKolber")
______________________________________
Also from KSK:
"Life It Seems To Fade Away...
In case you weren't already aware, Cowboys wideout Terrell Owens has apparently tried to kill himself. Is it fair to make fun of a man who may be in his darkest hour and in need of serious mental counseling?
I say yup.
TO has long been someone who desperately desires attention, negative or otherwise. So I think TO (who is not dead) would have wanted it this way, with people brutally flaying him with rapturous glee. That way, other people can step in and say, "Hey, he's a person too, assbag!", thus causing TO be viewed in a highly sympathetic light, leading up to Pontius Pilate's swift execution order.
In other words, we at KSK plan on giving TO exactly what he wants. Stay tuned today for our numerous theories on why TO decided to try and half-assedly knock himself off. Seriously, has anyone died from attempting suicide by ingesting pills (cue random commenter who has a loved one that actually did)? TO didn't want to die. He just wanted a $5 million advance for his memoirs. What a tactician."
____________________________________________
Some more attemts at funny by KSK:
"The Timeline for our Darkest Day
Disclaimer: I recognize the severity of suicide. I have very personal reservations telling jokes about it. But this is an NFL humor site, and we have work to do. When I found out how T.O.'s day went yesterday, I had to share it. My apologies for the military time. And for the poor taste. But mostly just the military time..."
============================
From Sports Illustrated's Don Banks. He calls Owens attempt "bizarre".
============================
From Pat Forde at ESPN.com, writing that Owens life is an "absolute carnival."
============================
From the Cowboys blog on AOL Sports: "Owens, T.O. need to get their head together."
============================
From Deadspin.com:
"• The kids at Kissing Suzy Kolber have all kinds of irresponsible (and, therefore, quite fun) theories."
============================
From Seattlest.
"But if there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that Terrell Owens is immature."
============================
Dan Marino and Cris Carter on Inside the NFL on HBO:
Carter on Owens press conference on Wednesday: "He looked good." "He needs to be examined."
Marino, no brain surgeon he, was whining about how a lot of people's "livelihoods"' are dependant on this man, and thus he needed to be checked out. Presumably so he could get back to work as soon as possible.
That's exactly what this guy needs: folks like Marino and Carter giving him advice.
============================
To sum it all up: Depressed? Stop the whining and get back to work ASAP.
New boss same as the old boss. In more ways than one.
============================
9/28/06 Edit: Just one more....
From TheBigLead.com:
"There are eight million and three theories flying around the net about just what the heck happened to the Cowboys star, but for reasons unknown, we haven’t seen this one, which comes from a reader who may or may not know a thing about drugs:
'Painkillers are an easy way to get high. Did the publicist tell the police it was suicide to steer police clear of the fact that TO may have been trying to get high? Do you know how many people use painkillers to get high?'
Uh no, we don’t. But we like it!
A last word on the suicide angle: If it all hinges upon Owens saying, ‘yes’ when asked about harming himself, well, that’s pretty weak. If you’ve ever been hopped up on codeine during an illness, you’ve probably mumbled some dumb shit to your wife/girlfriend/fiancée that has gotten you in trouble. Right?"
==============================
posted by joe sweeney at 5:27 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home