Some More Completely Unsolicited Ideas: Continuation of the Louis-Dreyfus Affair
Going gainst legal council, Apartment404.blogspot.com has decided to send these potentially humorous ideas out into the internets many tubes. Godspeed.
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1) Story Idea - Christine develops an online shopping addiction at a new internet auction site, ePile.com. She buys dozens of items that strike her fancy (and cost less than $30 apiece): t-shirts, low end jewelry (which of course she never wears), books (that will never be read), etc. After bidding on and winning a Mariah Carey - Hawaii Concert 1998 t-shirt, she decides she doesn't want to purchase the item, and through a series of increasingly frantic e-mails, finds out just how much find shopping online can be.
E-mail #1:
From: ChristineFillinLastNameHere@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
Dear Mr./Mrs. Shed: I recently mistakenly bid on and won a Mariah Carey Hawaii Concert 1998 t-shirt. Since you don't accept online payments through BuyBuddy (as most vendors do), I would rather not go through with the purchase. Thank you.
(Christine: "I mean, it's a huge hassle to write a check, go to the post office, buy a stamp, lick it, and mail the sucker. You know, I don't have any idea how anybody got anything done before the internet." Richard: "I think it was mostly Pony Express.")
E-mail #2:
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
To:ChristineX@yahoo.com
I can't delete your order and will expect payment. I am sorry because I know that you may have made a mistake, but I will need payment or I'll have to open a dispute against you with the ePile eTransaction Security Team. Thanks and have a nice day!
E-mail #3:
From: ChristineRoe@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
The reason I do not wish to purchase your t-shirt is that you do not accept BuyBuddy, the internet's fastest growing method of online payment. If this is enough for you to "open a dispute" against me, then fire away, Mr./Mrs. Shed. I will not be paying for this item.
E-mail #4:
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
To: ChristineFileNotFound@yahoo.com
I don't know if you understand how ePile works. You already purchased my item. You just refuse to pay. When you bid on and win an item you enter into a kontract (Christine: "They spelled contract with a k."). I will be opening a dispute but I have to wait 7 days. Just so you know with these disputes, they can get you kicked off ePile. You can look it up in the rules and policies. You have a nice day. (Christene: "I'm beginning to think they're being sarcastic with this 'have a nice day' crap.")
E-mail #5:
From: ChristineLavigne@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
Will you kick me off the internet, too? If you look at my profile, you will see that I have never had a problem with a seller, until you. If you decide that two minutes of retyping so that your t-shirt can be resold is too much of a burden, then I will be forced to sue you and yours for "being a general jackass." You can expect to hear from my attorney within the week. Good day, sir/maam.
(After typing up this last e-mail, Christine looks up from her pc screen wearing a large, satisfied grin. Richard exhales loudly and asks "How much would the t-shirt cost you, Christene?" C: "Six fifty. But it's the principal." R: "You're a rather sad woman. You know that, don't you?" C: (looking down dejectedly): "Yeah, I know."
E-mail #6:
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
To: MissChristine@yahoo.com
Wow, you are a real wise ass. I have not had a problem with a buyer....until you. I know you were probably just being a smartypants (C: "smartypants?"), but just in case you really are that dumb, no, I won't be the one who kicks you off the internet. I take it the reason you are mad is because you are not familiar with ePile's rules. So you take out your ignorence on me. (Christine: "He spelled ignorance with two e's, for crying out loud.") I will be opening the dispute because ePile charged me a fee when you WON the Mariah Carey t-shirt, and the only way to get them to reimburse me is to file a dispute. Also, since you like to assume the person you are talking to is dumber than yourself, for your information, smartypants, I happen to have a high school diploma AND a college diploma, too. Also, I read things before I bid on them, which if you did you would've noticed before you won that I don't accept BuyBuddy. I didn't do anything but list an item for sale. You won the item and not refuse to pay me my six dollars and fifty cents. Yet you are mad at me. You tire me with this nonsense. I'll be opening that dispute in seven days! Thank you. (Christine: "OK, THAT time I KNOW he was being sarcastic with the "Thank you.")
E-mail #7:
From: TheChristine@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
(When reading this e-mail which she has painstakingly written to Richard, Christine frequently looks up to him from her computer, seeking his approval. He simply stares back with a pained, somewhat annoyed, expression.)
T minus 168 hours and counting until I get kicked off the internet! Hey Shed, which community college did you say you got your associates degree from? Was it in, say, marketing? Or communications? Making mountains out of molehills is what you've been doing. I give up. I'd be glad to reimburse you for the ePile fee. Was it more or less than a quarter? Good day, sir/madam!
E-mail #8: (the last in a series)
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile,com
To: ThatBitchChristine@yahoo.com
Dear Miss Smartypants: My degree happens to be in Food Science from Bob Jones University in the great state of South Carolina. You know, I feel sorry for anybody that comes in contact with you in their everyday life. I'm sure you'll give me some smartalecky reply, but you should learn to take responsibility for your own actions. You won the Mariah Carey Hawaii Concert 1998 t-shirt, not me. You found me, I didn't find you. So pay up.
Later on, Christine is looking through TheCollectiblesShed's online store at ePile. Christine (to Richard): "Listen to this...this Shed character is trying to sell a current Ruby Tuesday Restaurant Menu.....and it's listed under "Memorabilia."
Richard: "God...how our standards as a nation have fallen. (pause) How much are they asking for it?" Christene: "Two bucks." Richard (nodding): "Not a bad deal."
==============================
2) Matthew needs a job.
Before he gets a job and since we know little about him, I will attempt to fill in some gaps.
Backstory -- Having graduated with a degree in psychology (Matthew NEVER studied, using his very, very good memory to slide by with mostly B-'s and C's.....though he did have an affair with one moderately attractive teacher, who ultimately gave him a B+, his highest grade in four years) from Cal-Santa Cruz ten years prior to moving in with his big sister Christine. Since graduating, Matthew has held a steady stream of unrewarding and unchallenging positions, first using his degree to get several entry level jobs in social services, then moving on to other fields such as meat inspection, part-time bartending, and lastly and most degradingly, nude model at an online art school, which advertised heavily on the back of matchbox covers. Lately Christine has pushed him to stop living the life of a "squatter" in her home and get back out there and "get a god damn job..."
For what it's worth: Matthew would like it noted that he was one of the few UCSC students to prefer the original "Sea Lions" nickname to "Banana Slugs", of which Cal-Santa Cruz is famous for.
Matthew, notwithstanding his intense dislike of most people he meets, slowness of stride, and generally sarcastic tone, has surprisingly chosen to try his hand at being a waiter at the local steak house. He first shift is on a Wednesday, usually a moderately busy day, as the manager wants to break him in slow. Matthew works a 7 hour shift, makes $124 in tips, then sleeps until 11:30am the next morning.
And so it goes. (Is this too much information?)
Christine has decided to take Ritchie and her ex, Richard, to dinner at Matthew's place of employment Friday evening in order to bolster his confidence as well as leave a big tip. New Christine has chosen not to attend to protest the slaughtering of cows for dining pleasure. Richard seems to not have a problem with eating huge slabs of beef (----> potential future crisis?).
As the group is seated by the hostess, Matthew approaches his sister and the others with a look of fatigue mixed with bewilderment. Christine: "Hey....howz it goin'?" Matthew: "You know that commercial where the guy works with a bunch of monkeys?" (slight pause while Matthew leans down closer to Christine and whispers loudly) "I think I may be one of the monkeys."
The group orders, with Richard taking special pleasure in asking pointedly detailed questions about the evenings specials: caloric content, freshness of produce in the salads, etc. The meal proceeds, with Matthew obviously in agony at the entire situation, but with Christine wearing a forced smile, for both Ritchie and her baby brother's benefit. Again, Richard is enjoying the entire uneasy situation.
Upon finishing, Christine, Ritchie and Richard head towards the door, but not before Christine asks Matthew, again, how he's doing. Matthew: "My life has been weird for a long time. Extreme uncomfortableness is actually a step up."
=============================
3) Funny image - Christine, who as has been pointed out in prior episodes, is not much for neatness, decides to clean her home. While listening to either Bill Haley and the Comets "Rock Around the Clock" or "Jungle Love" by Morris Day(whichever is cheaper to acquire the rights to), JLD could easily fills about 90 seconds with whatever cleaning moves she comes up with: perhaps vacuuming the carpet with one hand while dusting higher up with the other, grooving to the music (yes, she CAN dance).
=============================
4) Some throwaway lines -
Matthew or Richard (to Christine): "You mean like your hair back in...oh....1991?"
Christine: "Hey....it was the....early 90s....you had to be there. It was kind of like the 60s...only I can remember all of it."
Matthew/Richard: "That's the real tragedy."
Christine: "Actually, Matthew, I'm quite proud of you for not getting some girl pregnant and having some kid that might have wound up unwanted."
Matthew: "Yeah....thank God my right hand never developed the ability to reproduce."
Matthew: (after just getting the above mentioned job) "Well, now I can get that chopper I've had my eye on."
Matthew (to Christine): "See Christine....Good things DO happen to bad people."
Christine: (smiling and looking at the floor) "Yeah...thanks."
================================
-----------------------------------------
1) Story Idea - Christine develops an online shopping addiction at a new internet auction site, ePile.com. She buys dozens of items that strike her fancy (and cost less than $30 apiece): t-shirts, low end jewelry (which of course she never wears), books (that will never be read), etc. After bidding on and winning a Mariah Carey - Hawaii Concert 1998 t-shirt, she decides she doesn't want to purchase the item, and through a series of increasingly frantic e-mails, finds out just how much find shopping online can be.
E-mail #1:
From: ChristineFillinLastNameHere@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
Dear Mr./Mrs. Shed: I recently mistakenly bid on and won a Mariah Carey Hawaii Concert 1998 t-shirt. Since you don't accept online payments through BuyBuddy (as most vendors do), I would rather not go through with the purchase. Thank you.
(Christine: "I mean, it's a huge hassle to write a check, go to the post office, buy a stamp, lick it, and mail the sucker. You know, I don't have any idea how anybody got anything done before the internet." Richard: "I think it was mostly Pony Express.")
E-mail #2:
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
To:ChristineX@yahoo.com
I can't delete your order and will expect payment. I am sorry because I know that you may have made a mistake, but I will need payment or I'll have to open a dispute against you with the ePile eTransaction Security Team. Thanks and have a nice day!
E-mail #3:
From: ChristineRoe@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
The reason I do not wish to purchase your t-shirt is that you do not accept BuyBuddy, the internet's fastest growing method of online payment. If this is enough for you to "open a dispute" against me, then fire away, Mr./Mrs. Shed. I will not be paying for this item.
E-mail #4:
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
To: ChristineFileNotFound@yahoo.com
I don't know if you understand how ePile works. You already purchased my item. You just refuse to pay. When you bid on and win an item you enter into a kontract (Christine: "They spelled contract with a k."). I will be opening a dispute but I have to wait 7 days. Just so you know with these disputes, they can get you kicked off ePile. You can look it up in the rules and policies. You have a nice day. (Christene: "I'm beginning to think they're being sarcastic with this 'have a nice day' crap.")
E-mail #5:
From: ChristineLavigne@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
Will you kick me off the internet, too? If you look at my profile, you will see that I have never had a problem with a seller, until you. If you decide that two minutes of retyping so that your t-shirt can be resold is too much of a burden, then I will be forced to sue you and yours for "being a general jackass." You can expect to hear from my attorney within the week. Good day, sir/maam.
(After typing up this last e-mail, Christine looks up from her pc screen wearing a large, satisfied grin. Richard exhales loudly and asks "How much would the t-shirt cost you, Christene?" C: "Six fifty. But it's the principal." R: "You're a rather sad woman. You know that, don't you?" C: (looking down dejectedly): "Yeah, I know."
E-mail #6:
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
To: MissChristine@yahoo.com
Wow, you are a real wise ass. I have not had a problem with a buyer....until you. I know you were probably just being a smartypants (C: "smartypants?"), but just in case you really are that dumb, no, I won't be the one who kicks you off the internet. I take it the reason you are mad is because you are not familiar with ePile's rules. So you take out your ignorence on me. (Christine: "He spelled ignorance with two e's, for crying out loud.") I will be opening the dispute because ePile charged me a fee when you WON the Mariah Carey t-shirt, and the only way to get them to reimburse me is to file a dispute. Also, since you like to assume the person you are talking to is dumber than yourself, for your information, smartypants, I happen to have a high school diploma AND a college diploma, too. Also, I read things before I bid on them, which if you did you would've noticed before you won that I don't accept BuyBuddy. I didn't do anything but list an item for sale. You won the item and not refuse to pay me my six dollars and fifty cents. Yet you are mad at me. You tire me with this nonsense. I'll be opening that dispute in seven days! Thank you. (Christine: "OK, THAT time I KNOW he was being sarcastic with the "Thank you.")
E-mail #7:
From: TheChristine@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
(When reading this e-mail which she has painstakingly written to Richard, Christine frequently looks up to him from her computer, seeking his approval. He simply stares back with a pained, somewhat annoyed, expression.)
T minus 168 hours and counting until I get kicked off the internet! Hey Shed, which community college did you say you got your associates degree from? Was it in, say, marketing? Or communications? Making mountains out of molehills is what you've been doing. I give up. I'd be glad to reimburse you for the ePile fee. Was it more or less than a quarter? Good day, sir/madam!
E-mail #8: (the last in a series)
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile,com
To: ThatBitchChristine@yahoo.com
Dear Miss Smartypants: My degree happens to be in Food Science from Bob Jones University in the great state of South Carolina. You know, I feel sorry for anybody that comes in contact with you in their everyday life. I'm sure you'll give me some smartalecky reply, but you should learn to take responsibility for your own actions. You won the Mariah Carey Hawaii Concert 1998 t-shirt, not me. You found me, I didn't find you. So pay up.
Later on, Christine is looking through TheCollectiblesShed's online store at ePile. Christine (to Richard): "Listen to this...this Shed character is trying to sell a current Ruby Tuesday Restaurant Menu.....and it's listed under "Memorabilia."
Richard: "God...how our standards as a nation have fallen. (pause) How much are they asking for it?" Christene: "Two bucks." Richard (nodding): "Not a bad deal."
==============================
2) Matthew needs a job.
Before he gets a job and since we know little about him, I will attempt to fill in some gaps.
Backstory -- Having graduated with a degree in psychology (Matthew NEVER studied, using his very, very good memory to slide by with mostly B-'s and C's.....though he did have an affair with one moderately attractive teacher, who ultimately gave him a B+, his highest grade in four years) from Cal-Santa Cruz ten years prior to moving in with his big sister Christine. Since graduating, Matthew has held a steady stream of unrewarding and unchallenging positions, first using his degree to get several entry level jobs in social services, then moving on to other fields such as meat inspection, part-time bartending, and lastly and most degradingly, nude model at an online art school, which advertised heavily on the back of matchbox covers. Lately Christine has pushed him to stop living the life of a "squatter" in her home and get back out there and "get a god damn job..."
For what it's worth: Matthew would like it noted that he was one of the few UCSC students to prefer the original "Sea Lions" nickname to "Banana Slugs", of which Cal-Santa Cruz is famous for.
Matthew, notwithstanding his intense dislike of most people he meets, slowness of stride, and generally sarcastic tone, has surprisingly chosen to try his hand at being a waiter at the local steak house. He first shift is on a Wednesday, usually a moderately busy day, as the manager wants to break him in slow. Matthew works a 7 hour shift, makes $124 in tips, then sleeps until 11:30am the next morning.
And so it goes. (Is this too much information?)
Christine has decided to take Ritchie and her ex, Richard, to dinner at Matthew's place of employment Friday evening in order to bolster his confidence as well as leave a big tip. New Christine has chosen not to attend to protest the slaughtering of cows for dining pleasure. Richard seems to not have a problem with eating huge slabs of beef (----> potential future crisis?).
As the group is seated by the hostess, Matthew approaches his sister and the others with a look of fatigue mixed with bewilderment. Christine: "Hey....howz it goin'?" Matthew: "You know that commercial where the guy works with a bunch of monkeys?" (slight pause while Matthew leans down closer to Christine and whispers loudly) "I think I may be one of the monkeys."
The group orders, with Richard taking special pleasure in asking pointedly detailed questions about the evenings specials: caloric content, freshness of produce in the salads, etc. The meal proceeds, with Matthew obviously in agony at the entire situation, but with Christine wearing a forced smile, for both Ritchie and her baby brother's benefit. Again, Richard is enjoying the entire uneasy situation.
Upon finishing, Christine, Ritchie and Richard head towards the door, but not before Christine asks Matthew, again, how he's doing. Matthew: "My life has been weird for a long time. Extreme uncomfortableness is actually a step up."
=============================
3) Funny image - Christine, who as has been pointed out in prior episodes, is not much for neatness, decides to clean her home. While listening to either Bill Haley and the Comets "Rock Around the Clock" or "Jungle Love" by Morris Day(whichever is cheaper to acquire the rights to), JLD could easily fills about 90 seconds with whatever cleaning moves she comes up with: perhaps vacuuming the carpet with one hand while dusting higher up with the other, grooving to the music (yes, she CAN dance).
=============================
4) Some throwaway lines -
Matthew or Richard (to Christine): "You mean like your hair back in...oh....1991?"
Christine: "Hey....it was the....early 90s....you had to be there. It was kind of like the 60s...only I can remember all of it."
Matthew/Richard: "That's the real tragedy."
Christine: "Actually, Matthew, I'm quite proud of you for not getting some girl pregnant and having some kid that might have wound up unwanted."
Matthew: "Yeah....thank God my right hand never developed the ability to reproduce."
Matthew: (after just getting the above mentioned job) "Well, now I can get that chopper I've had my eye on."
Matthew (to Christine): "See Christine....Good things DO happen to bad people."
Christine: (smiling and looking at the floor) "Yeah...thanks."
================================
posted by joe sweeney at 5:31 PM
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