"The Few Dentures of Mold Pristine": Completely Unsolicited Idea(s)
First of all, let's get the legal shit out of the way:
When submitting your feedback to this site, please do NOT submit any story, plot or character ideas, or any copyrightable material whatsoever relating to any Apartment404.blogspot.com post, or any ideas or suggestions for new posts ("Unsolicited Ideas"). Apartment404's policy is to steal all Unsolicited Ideas. By using this service you agree that any Unsolicited Ideas you do submit shall be deemed the sole property of Apartment404.blogspot.com, and you hereby transfer and assign all rights with respect thereto, including, without limitation, copyright, to Apartment404.blogspot.com. For more information, see the Terms of Service agreement you virtually signed by logging in to Apartment404.blogspot.com.
©MMVI, Apartment404.blogspot.com
=================================
Not that I want to get into any legal pissing contests, but my law firm of Casey, Rand and Kaufman LLC requires me to protect myself from copyright infringement. Blogging is a dirty but lucrative business, and I do not want ANYONE profiting off my blood, sweat, and tears. Emails can be sent to Colleen_Casey@CaseyRandKaufman.com.
So we're good, then?
==============================
==============================
The "Idea". Actually, it's just a couple of things that drive me friggin' nuts, and if you threw them together, they might add up to 22 minutes. Or damn close:
-----------------------------------------
Stupid, often indecipherable vanity plates and idiotic, senseless, and out of date bumper stickers. Now that's just gold right there.
The "Pristine" character is going to be in a car for quite a bit of this episode, along with, of course, her little bro, Matty and possibly even her ex, Rick, too.
(aside - There is a classic "Seinfeld" episode, The Puerto Rican Day Parade, that had the cast in a car for much of the time, so this can be done. If you haven't seen this episode on reruns lately, blame the PR's and their massive PR machine.....the bastards.)
Anyway, Chr....I mean, Pristine has a bunch of errands to run (why are Matty and Rick there? Hell if I know. This is just a treatment, not a script. They're THERE. So there. I'll think of something.) before picking up little Rickey, her son, after school lets out. And they're running a bit late.
But Pristine being Pristine,well, she can't leave well enough alone: an ugly, boxy Volvo station wagon runs over a squirrel (do they even have squirrels in LA? if not, whatever cute little animals that can be run down will do, though certainly not a dog or cat), and she decides to take the law into her own hands by apprehending the Volvo driver, or at least forcing them to pay funeral expenses.
Despite the protest of the two males, she gives chase. And notices that the perp's license plate reads "DECOR8R". This leads to a discussion with the dry and droll Matty and the bemused Rick about why...
----a) an interior decorator would have a damn vanity plate in the first place - how gauche.
----b) an interior decorator would be driving an ugly car like one of those boxy Volvo wagons -
Discuss other ugly and/or crappy, overpriced cars like Saabs, while obviously not mentioning any current or potential sponsers of any and all Blogspot.com blogs or future television shows.
----c) just why in THE HELL the decorator's ugly car has a "Free Tibet" bumper sticker?
Do these people think the Chinese are going to be looking through their satellite images, see X number of rich Americans with these stupid, senseless things on their gas guzzlers and say to themselves "We can't win! They will overwhelm us with their bumper stickers! The capitalist system is the only true economic system, and we are so sorry for our invasion and oppressive, puppet regime!"
----d) why the Volvo has another bumper sticker reading "Grey Davis for Gov. of California: He's a winner!" or whatever catchphrase the ex-gov used in his last campaign. -
Grey was booted in 2003, and Pristine is vocal to her passengers about her longstanding belief that bumper stickers kept past their expiration date should be scraped cleanly off the car as mandated BY CALIFORNIA LAW. (But doesn't everyone just HATE tearing those suckers off? It always scrapes the paint. Though you sure as hell don't want a Pete Wilson Rules! sticker on your auto in 2006 California. If only for the comfort of fellow motorists. And that is why Pristine is CONSIDERING adding a "Hillary: 2008" sticker to her auto.)
Anyway, Pristine follows the evildoer through the side streets of LA, while repeatedly voicing her concern that "let's hope the sucker stays off the freeway! 'cuz we'll lose her!". Unable to catch up because those Volvo's can really haul, as well as the nasty LA traffic, Pristine becomes increasingly frantic, giving Dick grief about some long lost pet he may or may not have had a hand in "offing" (her word, not his): "Daphne, you will be avenged!"
She also wonders about discarding excess weight to increase their speed: "What in this car do we not REALLY, REALLY need?" Matty and Dick simply look at each other.
(What is that, maybe 10 minutes of material? Jesus, this is hard. Maybe those sitcom writers have a more difficult job than I thought.)
OK. So the as they continue to chase the Volvo, Matty shows off his shockingly detailed knowledge of some very important auto safety features invented by Volvo engineers (a company which just happens to be owned by a little concern known as Ford Motors, so sucking up may be a good idea.):
1959 - Three-point safety belts in the front
1984 - Anti-lock braking system
1987 - Driver airbag
1994 - Side airbags
2002 - Development of the virtual pregnant crash test dummy - (aside: Now THAT'S FUNNY)
2004 - Water Repellent Glass (aside: I thought ALL glass was water-repellent?)
Pristine: "How the HELL do you know all that, Matty?"
Matty: "You think all my computer time is spent on porn, don't you? Wikipedia rules, sister."
(15 minutes...maybe? Shit, how long are the credits. Maybe some hilarious bloopers, like they did on that Tim Allen show, could fill some a couple minutes.)
So the Volvo eventually works its way on to the freeway, and Pristine and company are distraught. Well, maybe just Pristine. But they know the plate, and she calls 911. The operator asks "What is the nature of your emergency, maam?" Pristine, with that scrunchy faced look: "Um...a hit and run on a squirrel....?"
=================================
Loose ends:
Will Rickey ever make it home?
Will Matty use his incredible memorization powers for good.....or for evil?
Will Rick ever figure out why he is in the car in the first place (what...I have to think of everything?)?
=================================
Remember bloggers and lurkers, Casey, Rand and Kaufman LLC is ready to nail your ass to the wall if you steal my idea.
Expected compensation: EXACTLY the same as Stephen Colbert's appearance fee for "Night of Too Many Stars."
And not a penny less.
=================================
When submitting your feedback to this site, please do NOT submit any story, plot or character ideas, or any copyrightable material whatsoever relating to any Apartment404.blogspot.com post, or any ideas or suggestions for new posts ("Unsolicited Ideas"). Apartment404's policy is to steal all Unsolicited Ideas. By using this service you agree that any Unsolicited Ideas you do submit shall be deemed the sole property of Apartment404.blogspot.com, and you hereby transfer and assign all rights with respect thereto, including, without limitation, copyright, to Apartment404.blogspot.com. For more information, see the Terms of Service agreement you virtually signed by logging in to Apartment404.blogspot.com.
©MMVI, Apartment404.blogspot.com
=================================
Not that I want to get into any legal pissing contests, but my law firm of Casey, Rand and Kaufman LLC requires me to protect myself from copyright infringement. Blogging is a dirty but lucrative business, and I do not want ANYONE profiting off my blood, sweat, and tears. Emails can be sent to Colleen_Casey@CaseyRandKaufman.com.
So we're good, then?
==============================
==============================
The "Idea". Actually, it's just a couple of things that drive me friggin' nuts, and if you threw them together, they might add up to 22 minutes. Or damn close:
-----------------------------------------
Stupid, often indecipherable vanity plates and idiotic, senseless, and out of date bumper stickers. Now that's just gold right there.
The "Pristine" character is going to be in a car for quite a bit of this episode, along with, of course, her little bro, Matty and possibly even her ex, Rick, too.
(aside - There is a classic "Seinfeld" episode, The Puerto Rican Day Parade, that had the cast in a car for much of the time, so this can be done. If you haven't seen this episode on reruns lately, blame the PR's and their massive PR machine.....the bastards.)
Anyway, Chr....I mean, Pristine has a bunch of errands to run (why are Matty and Rick there? Hell if I know. This is just a treatment, not a script. They're THERE. So there. I'll think of something.) before picking up little Rickey, her son, after school lets out. And they're running a bit late.
But Pristine being Pristine,well, she can't leave well enough alone: an ugly, boxy Volvo station wagon runs over a squirrel (do they even have squirrels in LA? if not, whatever cute little animals that can be run down will do, though certainly not a dog or cat), and she decides to take the law into her own hands by apprehending the Volvo driver, or at least forcing them to pay funeral expenses.
Despite the protest of the two males, she gives chase. And notices that the perp's license plate reads "DECOR8R". This leads to a discussion with the dry and droll Matty and the bemused Rick about why...
----a) an interior decorator would have a damn vanity plate in the first place - how gauche.
----b) an interior decorator would be driving an ugly car like one of those boxy Volvo wagons -
Discuss other ugly and/or crappy, overpriced cars like Saabs, while obviously not mentioning any current or potential sponsers of any and all Blogspot.com blogs or future television shows.
----c) just why in THE HELL the decorator's ugly car has a "Free Tibet" bumper sticker?
Do these people think the Chinese are going to be looking through their satellite images, see X number of rich Americans with these stupid, senseless things on their gas guzzlers and say to themselves "We can't win! They will overwhelm us with their bumper stickers! The capitalist system is the only true economic system, and we are so sorry for our invasion and oppressive, puppet regime!"
----d) why the Volvo has another bumper sticker reading "Grey Davis for Gov. of California: He's a winner!" or whatever catchphrase the ex-gov used in his last campaign. -
Grey was booted in 2003, and Pristine is vocal to her passengers about her longstanding belief that bumper stickers kept past their expiration date should be scraped cleanly off the car as mandated BY CALIFORNIA LAW. (But doesn't everyone just HATE tearing those suckers off? It always scrapes the paint. Though you sure as hell don't want a Pete Wilson Rules! sticker on your auto in 2006 California. If only for the comfort of fellow motorists. And that is why Pristine is CONSIDERING adding a "Hillary: 2008" sticker to her auto.)
Anyway, Pristine follows the evildoer through the side streets of LA, while repeatedly voicing her concern that "let's hope the sucker stays off the freeway! 'cuz we'll lose her!". Unable to catch up because those Volvo's can really haul, as well as the nasty LA traffic, Pristine becomes increasingly frantic, giving Dick grief about some long lost pet he may or may not have had a hand in "offing" (her word, not his): "Daphne, you will be avenged!"
She also wonders about discarding excess weight to increase their speed: "What in this car do we not REALLY, REALLY need?" Matty and Dick simply look at each other.
(What is that, maybe 10 minutes of material? Jesus, this is hard. Maybe those sitcom writers have a more difficult job than I thought.)
OK. So the as they continue to chase the Volvo, Matty shows off his shockingly detailed knowledge of some very important auto safety features invented by Volvo engineers (a company which just happens to be owned by a little concern known as Ford Motors, so sucking up may be a good idea.):
1959 - Three-point safety belts in the front
1984 - Anti-lock braking system
1987 - Driver airbag
1994 - Side airbags
2002 - Development of the virtual pregnant crash test dummy - (aside: Now THAT'S FUNNY)
2004 - Water Repellent Glass (aside: I thought ALL glass was water-repellent?)
Pristine: "How the HELL do you know all that, Matty?"
Matty: "You think all my computer time is spent on porn, don't you? Wikipedia rules, sister."
(15 minutes...maybe? Shit, how long are the credits. Maybe some hilarious bloopers, like they did on that Tim Allen show, could fill some a couple minutes.)
So the Volvo eventually works its way on to the freeway, and Pristine and company are distraught. Well, maybe just Pristine. But they know the plate, and she calls 911. The operator asks "What is the nature of your emergency, maam?" Pristine, with that scrunchy faced look: "Um...a hit and run on a squirrel....?"
=================================
Loose ends:
Will Rickey ever make it home?
Will Matty use his incredible memorization powers for good.....or for evil?
Will Rick ever figure out why he is in the car in the first place (what...I have to think of everything?)?
=================================
Remember bloggers and lurkers, Casey, Rand and Kaufman LLC is ready to nail your ass to the wall if you steal my idea.
Expected compensation: EXACTLY the same as Stephen Colbert's appearance fee for "Night of Too Many Stars."
And not a penny less.
=================================
posted by joe sweeney at 7:19 PM
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