"New Adventures of Old Christine": Completely Unsolicited Ideas
Since CBS, in their infinite wisdom, does not allow losers like me to email in ideas for their shows on CBS.com (lest we show up their paid writers, one assumes), I will use this forum, for which blogspot pays me quite the handsome monthly stipend, to offer up two ideas for the show: a new character, and a story idea.
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1) "The new neighbor who just happens to be black."
Christine's (Julia's, too?) devout liberalism and acceptance of all minorities is sorely put to the test when "Bob Johnson" moves in next door. Despite her best efforts to like him, she develops an intense annoyance at Bob's cluelessness and annoying lawn grooming habits: The first week in his family's new place, Bob decides to mow the lawn at 7 in the morning. This just happens to fall on the morning after a late date by Christine. She somehow speaks with him and asks him to please not mow the lawn so early, blah blah. Next week Bob uses a weed wacker (do they have leaf blowers in LA: that is THE most annoying sound in the world!) and when confronted by her, he is bewildered: "You said no MOWING!" He's very nice about it but Christine is SEETHING, yet guilty because he "happens to be black", and she desperately wants to like all minorities.
Bob is an unassuming looking man, not physically imposing in the least, medium build (not too anything: tall, short, fat, thin, ugly, etc), fairly attractive without setting off the "hotness" alarms for Christine, is married to a black (we assume) women (unseen), and has a decent career (lawyer for the fast food industry? Christian video game maker? something not awfully charming but not a criminal, either). And he just happens to be black.
So Christine, who already has a black friend in the terrific Wanda Sykes character (great voice, just a great voice...like her cheeks stick to her gums and teeth when she speaks...adorable), looks forward to meeting with the new family next door. (the mowing incident is yet to come....) Bob pleasantly offers up a sweet potato pie to her and hers: his Grandma's secret recipe, of course.. She makes a scrunchy face and thanks him, while we, the audience have no idea why she is acting so weird.
Bob leaves, and Matthew asks Christine, in that knowing way of his: "STILL allergic to sweet potatoes?" Christine: "They are called YAMS, Matthew.....and yes, I am, as a matter of fact." (we do not know if she really is allergic or this is from childhood trauma, but Matthew acts like its all in her head) Matthew: "the odds of you being the only known case of allergy to sweet potatoes is.....roughly one in 8 billion." Christine: "you know how i react to too much .....starch." Something like that, anyway. Just think that an allergy to sweet potatoes is pretty funny for a liberal white women with such a big heart.
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I imagine the "new neighbor who happens to be black" as a cross between the great David Puddy character from "Seinfeld" and Ned Flanders of "The Simpsons": clueless like DP, harmless and completely hateable like Ned. Combine the two and leave out Puddy's "rather burly, athletic"" body type (must NOT be intimidating) and Ned's annoying religiousity and you'd have a guy who could give some lessons to Christine about her own limitations as a person.
=================================
2) Story Idea: When is a Handicapped Spot NOT a Handicapped Spot? (OK, maybe you couldn't get 22 minutes out of this, but maybe a 5 or 10 m stretch)
Christine is going about her daily errands and pulls into her bank's parking lot. She is partially pulled into a spot, then sees some worn paint in the spot that could be easily mistaken for a handicapped parking painted sign. She quickly pulls out, since she would NEVER take a handicapped spot, pulls into another, gets out of her car and walks to the bank front doors. While walking, she notices that close to what she had thought was a handicapped spot is what truly IS a hs: clearly painted with bright new paint. She does a double take back at the spot she just abandoned. Inside the bank she questions, nicely at first but then exasperatedly, "Is that a handicapped spot or not??" The bank employees are unsure and begin to politely argue amongst themselves. And hilarity ensues.
OK, maybe this is more "Curb Your Enthusiasm" territory, but Julia Louis-Dreyfus had never been more brilliant as she is as the lovably not-so-self-confident Christine, and when she has conflicting thoughts racing through her mind (do i park here? will i get in trouble? it's just gonna take a minute...), that to me is very funny.
==========================
"What writer...It's a sitcom." - George Costanza
Some people are soooooo uptight about holding on to their jobs, I guess.
also...
"Isn't blogging basically for angry, semi-employed losers who are too untalented or too lazy to get real jobs in journalism? .... I mean if the market really valued what you have to say, wouldn't someone pay you for it?" -- from one of the best books (Yes, I said "book") of 2006, G.B. Tredeau's "Heckuva Job, Bushie!" -- Say it ain't so, Garry.
Although, yes, now that you mention it. I am angry, semi-employed, untalented, lazy and maybe even a loser. But looking at what passes for "journalism" these days, I wouldn't WANT to have to shill for Time, WSJ or whatever you have. No, I'm good here with my compadres in Apt404.
The best parts about blogging are that there are NO RULES, NO ADVERTISERS and for me, anyway NO ONE who can edit me ('cept the rather sad Russ Cousy, who is always too drunk to be of much use).
============================
1) "The new neighbor who just happens to be black."
Christine's (Julia's, too?) devout liberalism and acceptance of all minorities is sorely put to the test when "Bob Johnson" moves in next door. Despite her best efforts to like him, she develops an intense annoyance at Bob's cluelessness and annoying lawn grooming habits: The first week in his family's new place, Bob decides to mow the lawn at 7 in the morning. This just happens to fall on the morning after a late date by Christine. She somehow speaks with him and asks him to please not mow the lawn so early, blah blah. Next week Bob uses a weed wacker (do they have leaf blowers in LA: that is THE most annoying sound in the world!) and when confronted by her, he is bewildered: "You said no MOWING!" He's very nice about it but Christine is SEETHING, yet guilty because he "happens to be black", and she desperately wants to like all minorities.
Bob is an unassuming looking man, not physically imposing in the least, medium build (not too anything: tall, short, fat, thin, ugly, etc), fairly attractive without setting off the "hotness" alarms for Christine, is married to a black (we assume) women (unseen), and has a decent career (lawyer for the fast food industry? Christian video game maker? something not awfully charming but not a criminal, either). And he just happens to be black.
So Christine, who already has a black friend in the terrific Wanda Sykes character (great voice, just a great voice...like her cheeks stick to her gums and teeth when she speaks...adorable), looks forward to meeting with the new family next door. (the mowing incident is yet to come....) Bob pleasantly offers up a sweet potato pie to her and hers: his Grandma's secret recipe, of course.. She makes a scrunchy face and thanks him, while we, the audience have no idea why she is acting so weird.
Bob leaves, and Matthew asks Christine, in that knowing way of his: "STILL allergic to sweet potatoes?" Christine: "They are called YAMS, Matthew.....and yes, I am, as a matter of fact." (we do not know if she really is allergic or this is from childhood trauma, but Matthew acts like its all in her head) Matthew: "the odds of you being the only known case of allergy to sweet potatoes is.....roughly one in 8 billion." Christine: "you know how i react to too much .....starch." Something like that, anyway. Just think that an allergy to sweet potatoes is pretty funny for a liberal white women with such a big heart.
-----
I imagine the "new neighbor who happens to be black" as a cross between the great David Puddy character from "Seinfeld" and Ned Flanders of "The Simpsons": clueless like DP, harmless and completely hateable like Ned. Combine the two and leave out Puddy's "rather burly, athletic"" body type (must NOT be intimidating) and Ned's annoying religiousity and you'd have a guy who could give some lessons to Christine about her own limitations as a person.
=================================
2) Story Idea: When is a Handicapped Spot NOT a Handicapped Spot? (OK, maybe you couldn't get 22 minutes out of this, but maybe a 5 or 10 m stretch)
Christine is going about her daily errands and pulls into her bank's parking lot. She is partially pulled into a spot, then sees some worn paint in the spot that could be easily mistaken for a handicapped parking painted sign. She quickly pulls out, since she would NEVER take a handicapped spot, pulls into another, gets out of her car and walks to the bank front doors. While walking, she notices that close to what she had thought was a handicapped spot is what truly IS a hs: clearly painted with bright new paint. She does a double take back at the spot she just abandoned. Inside the bank she questions, nicely at first but then exasperatedly, "Is that a handicapped spot or not??" The bank employees are unsure and begin to politely argue amongst themselves. And hilarity ensues.
OK, maybe this is more "Curb Your Enthusiasm" territory, but Julia Louis-Dreyfus had never been more brilliant as she is as the lovably not-so-self-confident Christine, and when she has conflicting thoughts racing through her mind (do i park here? will i get in trouble? it's just gonna take a minute...), that to me is very funny.
==========================
"What writer...It's a sitcom." - George Costanza
Some people are soooooo uptight about holding on to their jobs, I guess.
also...
"Isn't blogging basically for angry, semi-employed losers who are too untalented or too lazy to get real jobs in journalism? .... I mean if the market really valued what you have to say, wouldn't someone pay you for it?" -- from one of the best books (Yes, I said "book") of 2006, G.B. Tredeau's "Heckuva Job, Bushie!" -- Say it ain't so, Garry.
Although, yes, now that you mention it. I am angry, semi-employed, untalented, lazy and maybe even a loser. But looking at what passes for "journalism" these days, I wouldn't WANT to have to shill for Time, WSJ or whatever you have. No, I'm good here with my compadres in Apt404.
The best parts about blogging are that there are NO RULES, NO ADVERTISERS and for me, anyway NO ONE who can edit me ('cept the rather sad Russ Cousy, who is always too drunk to be of much use).
posted by joe sweeney at 5:45 PM
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