The York (Maine) Ocean Side Resort Community Supplement to the “Yellow Pages”
This post is for residents of The York OSRC = The following businesses were not included in the new 2005 Yellow Page Directory, distributed by America’s finest post office, The US Postal Service, last summer.
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1. Victor’s Secret Stash
“For the metrosexual in you. Or your partner.”
At 924 Ocean Road, right on the Ogunquit border. Go four miles outside of town on Ocean Road, look for some nasty skid marks from last winter’s snowplows and you’re there.
Among our most popular offerings are...
The new "fragrance for men” -- Armada!
For the SUV driving men in your life...try Armada!
Now in new XXL containers.... 1 quart for $39.99. Just spray and go....
The new ‘Pent Body Lotion.
Comes in Unisex scent....because smelling good is for all genders!
Just rub it all over your self for ten or fifteen minutes, and you’ll be a new man, woman, or whatever!
The new Apartment404 Bath Towel.
...So you can get that “just showered” feel right after you take a bath, you pussy.
Comes in Regular, Tall, and Magnum, though the towels actually all have the same measurements. It’s just that if you tell soft dicks that something comes in a Magnum, they buy ‘em up good and quick.
2. Ye Old York BookSeller. Since 1988
“For those who like to read.”
Located at 66 Church Street. Right next to the Temple Isreal Shalom Business Conference and Prayer Retreat Center. Only half a mile from the beach, or 40 minutes if you’re walking.
Phone (207) 430-1111. Or if you’re out of state, try (207) 430-1111.
Two of our recent arrivals --
(I) Bill O’Reilly - Cultural Warrior. We have dozens of authentically autopen signed copies from the man himself, marked down from $25.00 to $7.99 for the bargain shopper.
(2) The ‘Pent Parenting Guide.
From the child rearing experts at Apartment404.blogspot.com, an officially licensed Day Care Center in Maine since 11/06.
Priced to move!!
Chapter summary -- “How to really screw up your offspring in 5 easy steps. Which take 12 years to complete.”
1) Buy them a regulation sized football at birth. No matter the sex. And place in crib. The child will grow to love, fear and loath this massive leather mothering substitute.
2) Tell them that if they want something bad enough, they can get it. Within reason.
3) Make them say prayers at night and when nothing happens tell them that God just doesn’t listen to people who aren’t praying hard enough. Do this repeatedly until aroundage 12. Surefire winner there.
4) Turn them into Yankee fans, somehow. Only complete assholes root for the Yankees unless they’re born and bred borough dwellers or New Jerseyites.
5) Tell that “If I could, I’d marry you, sugarlips.” Works either father/daughter or mother/son. Then let them use their own Apartment404 Bath Towel following this and other icky conversations you will eventually have.
Follow these simple rules to a T and your kid is sure to get into the college of his or her choice. Or UNH.
3. DDK-Car - “Just Drive, Ditch. And Kruise!”
Phone (900) 132-9681 X1499 Ask for Keith Browner or Shirley Pitch. Hours M-F 9:30am to 4:30pm In Season.
The newest, bestest way to get around York. The first "D" stands for steer, operate, and park, the second “D” stands for “ditch”, and the “K” stands for “kruise'"/hoofin' it.
Now at York Beach, for the on-the-go beach regular.
When you really need that all day tan, try DDK-Car to get there fast and safe without ever having to buy gasoline.
Just sign up on our internet site, http://www.DDKunderscoreCAR.biz/menu/newclient/ne/maine/yorkbeach/, giving two major credit cards and a copy of your original birth certificate while providing an out of state next of kin as well as fax number where you can be sent future special DDK-Car-Klub offerings.....
Yes, It’s just that easy!
4. York Limo and Hearse Co. --
“Bringing bodies wherever they’re needed for over a half century.”
Located behind York High School, just off the beach.
Phone = (207) BODY-CAR. Ask for Ricky. Or if Ricky’s out, ask for Tony. Or Mickey. Really, whoever answer's the phone can probably help you.
We only lease the biggest and baddest. Cuz when you’re dead, you need to waste even more gas and block traffic. And when you're graduating high school, same thing.
York Beach.... We’ve been snotty since the 1700’s.
--------------------------------------------------
1. Victor’s Secret Stash
“For the metrosexual in you. Or your partner.”
At 924 Ocean Road, right on the Ogunquit border. Go four miles outside of town on Ocean Road, look for some nasty skid marks from last winter’s snowplows and you’re there.
Among our most popular offerings are...
The new "fragrance for men” -- Armada!
For the SUV driving men in your life...try Armada!
Now in new XXL containers.... 1 quart for $39.99. Just spray and go....
The new ‘Pent Body Lotion.
Comes in Unisex scent....because smelling good is for all genders!
Just rub it all over your self for ten or fifteen minutes, and you’ll be a new man, woman, or whatever!
The new Apartment404 Bath Towel.
...So you can get that “just showered” feel right after you take a bath, you pussy.
Comes in Regular, Tall, and Magnum, though the towels actually all have the same measurements. It’s just that if you tell soft dicks that something comes in a Magnum, they buy ‘em up good and quick.
2. Ye Old York BookSeller. Since 1988
“For those who like to read.”
Located at 66 Church Street. Right next to the Temple Isreal Shalom Business Conference and Prayer Retreat Center. Only half a mile from the beach, or 40 minutes if you’re walking.
Phone (207) 430-1111. Or if you’re out of state, try (207) 430-1111.
Two of our recent arrivals --
(I) Bill O’Reilly - Cultural Warrior. We have dozens of authentically autopen signed copies from the man himself, marked down from $25.00 to $7.99 for the bargain shopper.
(2) The ‘Pent Parenting Guide.
From the child rearing experts at Apartment404.blogspot.com, an officially licensed Day Care Center in Maine since 11/06.
Priced to move!!
Chapter summary -- “How to really screw up your offspring in 5 easy steps. Which take 12 years to complete.”
1) Buy them a regulation sized football at birth. No matter the sex. And place in crib. The child will grow to love, fear and loath this massive leather mothering substitute.
2) Tell them that if they want something bad enough, they can get it. Within reason.
3) Make them say prayers at night and when nothing happens tell them that God just doesn’t listen to people who aren’t praying hard enough. Do this repeatedly until aroundage 12. Surefire winner there.
4) Turn them into Yankee fans, somehow. Only complete assholes root for the Yankees unless they’re born and bred borough dwellers or New Jerseyites.
5) Tell that “If I could, I’d marry you, sugarlips.” Works either father/daughter or mother/son. Then let them use their own Apartment404 Bath Towel following this and other icky conversations you will eventually have.
Follow these simple rules to a T and your kid is sure to get into the college of his or her choice. Or UNH.
3. DDK-Car - “Just Drive, Ditch. And Kruise!”
Phone (900) 132-9681 X1499 Ask for Keith Browner or Shirley Pitch. Hours M-F 9:30am to 4:30pm In Season.
The newest, bestest way to get around York. The first "D" stands for steer, operate, and park, the second “D” stands for “ditch”, and the “K” stands for “kruise'"/hoofin' it.
Now at York Beach, for the on-the-go beach regular.
When you really need that all day tan, try DDK-Car to get there fast and safe without ever having to buy gasoline.
Just sign up on our internet site, http://www.DDKunderscoreCAR.biz/menu/newclient/ne/maine/yorkbeach/, giving two major credit cards and a copy of your original birth certificate while providing an out of state next of kin as well as fax number where you can be sent future special DDK-Car-Klub offerings.....
Yes, It’s just that easy!
4. York Limo and Hearse Co. --
“Bringing bodies wherever they’re needed for over a half century.”
Located behind York High School, just off the beach.
Phone = (207) BODY-CAR. Ask for Ricky. Or if Ricky’s out, ask for Tony. Or Mickey. Really, whoever answer's the phone can probably help you.
We only lease the biggest and baddest. Cuz when you’re dead, you need to waste even more gas and block traffic. And when you're graduating high school, same thing.
York Beach.... We’ve been snotty since the 1700’s.
posted by joe sweeney at 1:48 PM
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