Happy New Year (?)
Life for me is such a rollercoaster. Two months ago I had a hard time getting out of bed before mid afternoon and, what's worse, was mentally beating myself up for it all day long. Today, on the last day of 2010, I am feeling grateful just to be alive and thankful for what my life is, and might be in the future. How strange.
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Do all people go on these mindblowing ups and downs? I can't imagine that to be the case. How could that be possible?
I don't work right now, and haven't worked a full time job in several years. To get out of bed and get my ass to an office five days a week by 830am or so seems completely impossible on the bad days. How do other folks do it? I don't have children or a wife. How would I meet the responsiblities of childcare or marraige when I can't even take care of myself?
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Actually I did work fulltime for years before what doctors tell me is schizoaffective disorder took hold in my mid twenties. For that, the fact that I don't pay my own way in the world, I feel no small amount of shame. But also, at the same time, I know that I am doing the best that I can for today. I am simply not able to work a regular job, but worked enough and contributed enough in taxes in years gone by that the monthly check I get from the government, from their Social Security Disability program, is nearly enough to make ends meet in this small two room apartment I call home here in Portland.
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Maybe the bottom line that I should concentrate on in this last day of the year is that I have everything I need to make my way in the world. And that should new problems arise, like car repairs or health problems or loneliness or something bad happening to my family or friends, I can get through it the same way I've gotten through everything leading up to this point. I've had a tremendous amount of challenges in my life but I've gotten through all of them and been made into a better and stronger person as a result of these obstacles, hopefully.
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Here's to a great year in 2011.
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Do all people go on these mindblowing ups and downs? I can't imagine that to be the case. How could that be possible?
I don't work right now, and haven't worked a full time job in several years. To get out of bed and get my ass to an office five days a week by 830am or so seems completely impossible on the bad days. How do other folks do it? I don't have children or a wife. How would I meet the responsiblities of childcare or marraige when I can't even take care of myself?
--------------------
Actually I did work fulltime for years before what doctors tell me is schizoaffective disorder took hold in my mid twenties. For that, the fact that I don't pay my own way in the world, I feel no small amount of shame. But also, at the same time, I know that I am doing the best that I can for today. I am simply not able to work a regular job, but worked enough and contributed enough in taxes in years gone by that the monthly check I get from the government, from their Social Security Disability program, is nearly enough to make ends meet in this small two room apartment I call home here in Portland.
--------------------
Maybe the bottom line that I should concentrate on in this last day of the year is that I have everything I need to make my way in the world. And that should new problems arise, like car repairs or health problems or loneliness or something bad happening to my family or friends, I can get through it the same way I've gotten through everything leading up to this point. I've had a tremendous amount of challenges in my life but I've gotten through all of them and been made into a better and stronger person as a result of these obstacles, hopefully.
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Here's to a great year in 2011.
posted by joe sweeney at 12:15 PM
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