Something I Need To Work On That Happened Last Night
I'm such a nutcase. Up and down. Up and down. My life, boring and simple as it is, is such a rollercoaster of emotion. And last night was a good example.
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I belong to a twelve step movement that has millions of members. It has changed my life in so many positive ways in the last two and a half years that I will never be able to repay the debt I owe it. But I'm still a nutcase.
In my home group that meets every Wednesday night we have business meetings once a month, right after the regular meeting. It takes a little bit of work to put on our weekly one hour meeting, and the business meeting is designed to make sure that everything is running smoothly and people are doing their assigned jobs, such as making coffee and paying the rent. Twice a year we dole out these jobs on a rotating basis. For 2010 I was the treasurer of the group; paying rent, buying coffee supplies, depositing the money in the bank from the collection basket at the end of each week. A wonderful and important job I enjoyed thoroughly. And last night I had my eyes set on another job. Secretary. This person reads a short statement at the beginning of the group and introduces speakers. A cool and vital job that I wanted badly. I asked a buddy to nominate me. He did. And THEN someone else nominated a young woman who had only been a member of our group a short time. My self worth took a slight hit at that. I had been hoping that once my name was thrown out the group would lovingly shout, "Why of course, Joe. We love you so much! We think you'd be a great secretary! It's yours if you'll take it!" Or something like that.
That is a slight exaggeration of my attitude last night, but only slight. (Remember, I'm a nutcase)
A vote was called and I lost narrowly. Man, what a punch in the stomach. This morning, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I am sad that I didn't get the job I wanted. To think that just a few short weeks ago, pre Effexor, I could barely get out of bed and was hating life. I know I should be grateful just for the simple life I have and the dozen or so people who thought enough of me to vote for me. But instead I feel like I will never be the person I want to be: universally loved and admired by dudes and hot chicks alike.
Man, life is so strange. What a weird trip this is.
===========
I belong to a twelve step movement that has millions of members. It has changed my life in so many positive ways in the last two and a half years that I will never be able to repay the debt I owe it. But I'm still a nutcase.
In my home group that meets every Wednesday night we have business meetings once a month, right after the regular meeting. It takes a little bit of work to put on our weekly one hour meeting, and the business meeting is designed to make sure that everything is running smoothly and people are doing their assigned jobs, such as making coffee and paying the rent. Twice a year we dole out these jobs on a rotating basis. For 2010 I was the treasurer of the group; paying rent, buying coffee supplies, depositing the money in the bank from the collection basket at the end of each week. A wonderful and important job I enjoyed thoroughly. And last night I had my eyes set on another job. Secretary. This person reads a short statement at the beginning of the group and introduces speakers. A cool and vital job that I wanted badly. I asked a buddy to nominate me. He did. And THEN someone else nominated a young woman who had only been a member of our group a short time. My self worth took a slight hit at that. I had been hoping that once my name was thrown out the group would lovingly shout, "Why of course, Joe. We love you so much! We think you'd be a great secretary! It's yours if you'll take it!" Or something like that.
That is a slight exaggeration of my attitude last night, but only slight. (Remember, I'm a nutcase)
A vote was called and I lost narrowly. Man, what a punch in the stomach. This morning, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I am sad that I didn't get the job I wanted. To think that just a few short weeks ago, pre Effexor, I could barely get out of bed and was hating life. I know I should be grateful just for the simple life I have and the dozen or so people who thought enough of me to vote for me. But instead I feel like I will never be the person I want to be: universally loved and admired by dudes and hot chicks alike.
Man, life is so strange. What a weird trip this is.
posted by joe sweeney at 10:41 AM
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