Living With Mental Illness: My Voices
Today was a typical day in the life of Joe Sweeney. This morning I heard, without a doubt, two folks talking about how awesome I am. The first happened while I was at a 12 Step meeting. I was chairing and when the meeting broke up at 11am I heard my friend, a female, talking to her girlfriends about what a great guy I am and how her sponsor adores me bla bla bla. That type of stuff. The other occurred at the pharmacy when I picked up some prescriptions. As I was walking away from the pharmacy counter at Hannafords I overheard the pharmacist telling her assistant what a "sweetheart" I am even though I am very "sick and taking a lot of medications."
When I got home this afternoon I spent some time analyzing the morning and I realized, for the upteenth time, that what I had heard was not real. That I was experiencing what are called auditory hallucinations by medical people.
It makes for quite the strange and difficult life, living with voices. Some people experience hallucinations as something like the voice of God. For me it's different. I hear, every day of my life seemingly, other people talking about me in inappropriate ways. Today, the voices were pleasant and uplifting, telling me how much other people like and admire me. But tomorrow they may turn on me and my experience may be one where people are discussing how awful I am, how fat and ugly and stupid and lazy I am, for example. This makes for a lot of guesswork.
To not be able to trust my senses to tell me what is real and what is not real makes life an oftentimes difficult journey. That probably accounts for the amount of time I spend alone in my apartment.
Of course, I used to hear voices when I was alone in my place. But that is a story for another day.
When I got home this afternoon I spent some time analyzing the morning and I realized, for the upteenth time, that what I had heard was not real. That I was experiencing what are called auditory hallucinations by medical people.
It makes for quite the strange and difficult life, living with voices. Some people experience hallucinations as something like the voice of God. For me it's different. I hear, every day of my life seemingly, other people talking about me in inappropriate ways. Today, the voices were pleasant and uplifting, telling me how much other people like and admire me. But tomorrow they may turn on me and my experience may be one where people are discussing how awful I am, how fat and ugly and stupid and lazy I am, for example. This makes for a lot of guesswork.
To not be able to trust my senses to tell me what is real and what is not real makes life an oftentimes difficult journey. That probably accounts for the amount of time I spend alone in my apartment.
Of course, I used to hear voices when I was alone in my place. But that is a story for another day.
posted by joe sweeney at 6:29 PM
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