Travels With (My Imaginary Friend Named) Charley: July 5th on the Maine Highways
Carl Monday (not his real name) is asked about getting "incredible access" to 23 year olds masturbating in a public library, and other thought provoking subjects. This guy is interviewed by the fucking Columbia Journalism Review here. 42 local Emmy's? That and 5 bucks buys you a happy meal, I guess.
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Hopefully slapping a "Support The Troops" bumper sticker, then maybe even basing one of those ridiculous, obnoxious American flags in the rear window, lets you feel better about driving an SUV/Hummer/oversized pickup truck that gets 2 football fields to the gallon. Because aside from "support(ing)" the troops, you're kinda parta the reason they are there. Hope you vote Republican; otherwise you make no sense.
What do I drive? A '98 Blue Corolla, with a "Yankees Still Suck" bumper sticker and close to 150K miles. Just in case you were wondering.
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I think the next time I am in line at a supermarket or drugstore, and the person in front of me pulls out a checkbook, then asks "what is the date?.....oh yeah, who do I make it out to?", or pays a $7.23 bill with a ten, two dimes and three pennies and waits for three singles back, my head is going to explode. Right there on the spot.
As far as the checkbook:
I know of no bank that sends cancelled checks back to its customers anymore. If yours does, then your bank is probably run out of someone's garage.
If your bank is not online, and doesn't let you get to your account on the net, then, once again, your bank is probably run out of someone's garage. Checks are no longer useful or efficient.
The paying with bills and change:
The PRICE IS THE SAME whether you pay with dimes, a twenty, or a hundred dollar bill. THERE IS NO GODDAMN DISCOUNT for paying with loose change. Again, the price is the same no matter how you fucking pay!!!
If the weight of the change you get back is an issue ("I hate those durned pennies and nickels!") then maybe it's time to get someone else to do your shopping. Oliver North once claimed to have bought a new car back in the '80's with, partially, loose change he had gathered around the house. (He was lying; someone was giving him a payoff) But still, throw your change in a jar when you get home, and save someone the hassle of having their head explode while you search your pockets/purse for a couple of dimes.
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I live my life according to the Bizzaro Dale Carnegie Method: Treat Others As They Treat You.
Bizzaro methods:
Instead of taking a GENUINE interest in other people's lives, I simply nod my head approvingly until they finish speaking, say whatever it was I was thinking of saying while they were busy gabbing, then get the hell out of there. I have the greatest job for that.
Instead of trying to win friends and influence people, I assume that the world is an not-so-nice place and try to influence nothing. Feed my cat when I get home; sure. Keep in touch with my mother; of course. But "win friends"? What do I look like, a sucker? Give me a stack of DVD's, George Saunders latest, and a good Sunday paper and I'm happy as a pig in whatever comes out of pigs several hours after a big meal.
"How to Stop Worrying and Start Living"? Screw that, I'll stop worrying when I'm dead. To me, worrying IS living. If I didn't care so much about all kindsa shit, I wouldn't worry it either.
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Does Wiscasset realize that they, and their Red's Eats, act as the blocked colon to the coastline of Maine on a day like today, when there are massive traffic jams caused by their "Prettiest Little Village in Maine"??? Fer Christ sakes, get a traffic light so pedestrians don't always have the right of way as cars and trucks are backed up five miles in either direction. Does this town have a mayor? A town council? Someone who may give a damn about the parking lot that Route 1 was all day today in both directions as a direct result of the "PLVIM"? I actually couldn't tell how pretty the village was today as I was choking on exhaust fumes from the Chevy Blazer idling in front of me, while we waited for the various New Jersey/New York/Mass vacationing pedestrians to wander around the "downtown" area looking for god knows what. Hope they enjoyed their lobster rolls.
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Hopefully slapping a "Support The Troops" bumper sticker, then maybe even basing one of those ridiculous, obnoxious American flags in the rear window, lets you feel better about driving an SUV/Hummer/oversized pickup truck that gets 2 football fields to the gallon. Because aside from "support(ing)" the troops, you're kinda parta the reason they are there. Hope you vote Republican; otherwise you make no sense.
What do I drive? A '98 Blue Corolla, with a "Yankees Still Suck" bumper sticker and close to 150K miles. Just in case you were wondering.
--------------------------------------------------
I think the next time I am in line at a supermarket or drugstore, and the person in front of me pulls out a checkbook, then asks "what is the date?.....oh yeah, who do I make it out to?", or pays a $7.23 bill with a ten, two dimes and three pennies and waits for three singles back, my head is going to explode. Right there on the spot.
As far as the checkbook:
I know of no bank that sends cancelled checks back to its customers anymore. If yours does, then your bank is probably run out of someone's garage.
If your bank is not online, and doesn't let you get to your account on the net, then, once again, your bank is probably run out of someone's garage. Checks are no longer useful or efficient.
The paying with bills and change:
The PRICE IS THE SAME whether you pay with dimes, a twenty, or a hundred dollar bill. THERE IS NO GODDAMN DISCOUNT for paying with loose change. Again, the price is the same no matter how you fucking pay!!!
If the weight of the change you get back is an issue ("I hate those durned pennies and nickels!") then maybe it's time to get someone else to do your shopping. Oliver North once claimed to have bought a new car back in the '80's with, partially, loose change he had gathered around the house. (He was lying; someone was giving him a payoff) But still, throw your change in a jar when you get home, and save someone the hassle of having their head explode while you search your pockets/purse for a couple of dimes.
-----------------------------------------------
I live my life according to the Bizzaro Dale Carnegie Method: Treat Others As They Treat You.
Bizzaro methods:
Instead of taking a GENUINE interest in other people's lives, I simply nod my head approvingly until they finish speaking, say whatever it was I was thinking of saying while they were busy gabbing, then get the hell out of there. I have the greatest job for that.
Instead of trying to win friends and influence people, I assume that the world is an not-so-nice place and try to influence nothing. Feed my cat when I get home; sure. Keep in touch with my mother; of course. But "win friends"? What do I look like, a sucker? Give me a stack of DVD's, George Saunders latest, and a good Sunday paper and I'm happy as a pig in whatever comes out of pigs several hours after a big meal.
"How to Stop Worrying and Start Living"? Screw that, I'll stop worrying when I'm dead. To me, worrying IS living. If I didn't care so much about all kindsa shit, I wouldn't worry it either.
-----------------------------------------------
Does Wiscasset realize that they, and their Red's Eats, act as the blocked colon to the coastline of Maine on a day like today, when there are massive traffic jams caused by their "Prettiest Little Village in Maine"??? Fer Christ sakes, get a traffic light so pedestrians don't always have the right of way as cars and trucks are backed up five miles in either direction. Does this town have a mayor? A town council? Someone who may give a damn about the parking lot that Route 1 was all day today in both directions as a direct result of the "PLVIM"? I actually couldn't tell how pretty the village was today as I was choking on exhaust fumes from the Chevy Blazer idling in front of me, while we waited for the various New Jersey/New York/Mass vacationing pedestrians to wander around the "downtown" area looking for god knows what. Hope they enjoyed their lobster rolls.
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posted by joe sweeney at 7:48 PM
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