People vs. Entertainment Weekly....
1) People that read People (are the....): Bought Crocs cuz they were told in April by someone that they were going to be the big thing this summer. People who read EW heard the same thing, from the same guy/gal, went to a store and looked at a pair of Crocs and said "Man, those are f-----g ugly!" And didn't spend the money.
EBay is going to be flooded with the retarded green Crocs by spring, you mark my words. Crocs is ugly.
2) People who read People actually believe someone who works at People writes those crappy movie and book reviews. People who read EW know that, well, maybe there is some fancy footsy being played with the media giants, but on the whole you can trust the reviews of stuff in that particular mag.
3) People who read People look forward to watching all three (or is it thirteen??) CSI's every goddamn week. People who read EW use their DVR to record the only Law And Order that means anything: the one that killed Jerry Orbach (kidding....he was a great old time song and dance man who became a terrif actor. one of my favorites). Maybe LAO has too many hotties this season, but after the great Orbach departed....well, who the hell is gonna replace him? Farino threw in the towel after one season. He was good, but lacked Jerry's sex appeal, me thinks. Or something like that.
The other LAO's? Well I'll say this: I have wanted to kill several dozen people in my life, but never once thought seriously about raping someone. You can have the Sex Crimes bullshit. Give me Sam Waterston and whatever gorgeous, smart supposed law school grad he's working late nights with and I'm set for 60 minutes. No way I ever watch the Sex Crimes show: that's some sick shit to put on tv. Who the hell watches rapes every week? Not me.
4) People who read People still mourn Princess Diana's passing. People who read EW are sick of hearing Elton's Candle in the Wind, and know that Diana was a beautiful, messed up debutante who seemed to be a good Mom to a pair of good kids, but hey 'yall: enough is enough.
5) People who read People bought Beyonce's B-Day on Tuesday, listened to it once, then called their girlfriends/bud who works in a Bullmoose and asked them if it was any good. People who read EW listened to B-Day twice and said "This CD kicks serious ass!". End of story.
6) People who read People have a dream of someday getting enough money together to buy a Hummer3, or at least getting a ride to the wedding/prom/bar fucken mitzvah/backelor party in one of those ugly Hummer stretches. People who read EW don't.
7) People who read EW know Tom Cruise is fucking gay, man. People who read People think there's some doubt left.
8) This was supposed to be one of those Top Ten Lists, but due to time constraints and the fact that I'm beat, I'll stop here. Is this enough evidence to convince you to part with $20 for a yearly subscription to Entertainment Weekly and can the People rag?
.....One final note: A brilliant salesman decades ago decided to sell cars based on a per pound comparison. You know, something like "Our cars cost X dollars per pound cheaper than our competitors!"?
Well, the way I figure it: A $30,000 4 door sedan...say, a cheaper Acura or a nice Camry, weighs about 4,000 lbs. That's $7.5/lb. For a year's worth of EW (say... 10 pounds? Too much? Fuck it, let's say 10 pounds) for 52 issues: that equals about $2/lb. Yeah: EW is cheaper by a factor of more than 3 than a nice sedan, per pound. Or I'm just completely drunk by now. Whatever.
EBay is going to be flooded with the retarded green Crocs by spring, you mark my words. Crocs is ugly.
2) People who read People actually believe someone who works at People writes those crappy movie and book reviews. People who read EW know that, well, maybe there is some fancy footsy being played with the media giants, but on the whole you can trust the reviews of stuff in that particular mag.
3) People who read People look forward to watching all three (or is it thirteen??) CSI's every goddamn week. People who read EW use their DVR to record the only Law And Order that means anything: the one that killed Jerry Orbach (kidding....he was a great old time song and dance man who became a terrif actor. one of my favorites). Maybe LAO has too many hotties this season, but after the great Orbach departed....well, who the hell is gonna replace him? Farino threw in the towel after one season. He was good, but lacked Jerry's sex appeal, me thinks. Or something like that.
The other LAO's? Well I'll say this: I have wanted to kill several dozen people in my life, but never once thought seriously about raping someone. You can have the Sex Crimes bullshit. Give me Sam Waterston and whatever gorgeous, smart supposed law school grad he's working late nights with and I'm set for 60 minutes. No way I ever watch the Sex Crimes show: that's some sick shit to put on tv. Who the hell watches rapes every week? Not me.
4) People who read People still mourn Princess Diana's passing. People who read EW are sick of hearing Elton's Candle in the Wind, and know that Diana was a beautiful, messed up debutante who seemed to be a good Mom to a pair of good kids, but hey 'yall: enough is enough.
5) People who read People bought Beyonce's B-Day on Tuesday, listened to it once, then called their girlfriends/bud who works in a Bullmoose and asked them if it was any good. People who read EW listened to B-Day twice and said "This CD kicks serious ass!". End of story.
6) People who read People have a dream of someday getting enough money together to buy a Hummer3, or at least getting a ride to the wedding/prom/bar fucken mitzvah/backelor party in one of those ugly Hummer stretches. People who read EW don't.
7) People who read EW know Tom Cruise is fucking gay, man. People who read People think there's some doubt left.
8) This was supposed to be one of those Top Ten Lists, but due to time constraints and the fact that I'm beat, I'll stop here. Is this enough evidence to convince you to part with $20 for a yearly subscription to Entertainment Weekly and can the People rag?
.....One final note: A brilliant salesman decades ago decided to sell cars based on a per pound comparison. You know, something like "Our cars cost X dollars per pound cheaper than our competitors!"?
Well, the way I figure it: A $30,000 4 door sedan...say, a cheaper Acura or a nice Camry, weighs about 4,000 lbs. That's $7.5/lb. For a year's worth of EW (say... 10 pounds? Too much? Fuck it, let's say 10 pounds) for 52 issues: that equals about $2/lb. Yeah: EW is cheaper by a factor of more than 3 than a nice sedan, per pound. Or I'm just completely drunk by now. Whatever.
posted by joe sweeney at 10:24 PM
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