11 Short Replies to Reader E-Mail --
Here's a few responses to a bit of our voluminous collection of reader e-mails. The backlog is tremendous, and we need some space in our yahoo inbox. Off we go.....
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1)
-- Q: Why are you guys so infatuated with "Seinfeld?" The show has been off the air for almost a decade, yet you are always quoting these self involved, obnoxious, apparently non-Christian, non-book reading Manhattanites, both in real life and on this stupid stupid blog. What gives? -- From frndsforlife@hotmail.com
-- A: You're right. In moments of stress the dwellers of Apt404 may quote some classic Jerry, George, Elaine or Kramer, thought not intentionally. It just happens. Every time we run into a tight spot and try to remember a good line from another show that really stands out in our memory, we tend to draw a blank. I mean really, how many times can you say, "I wish I were Einstein cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice." That just doesn't cut it for us. We need quality, some real substance when our hearts are racing. So often we'll reach for a "Karma, Kramer?"...a "Moops!"....some "The dingo ate your bay-bee!"...maybe a bit of "Running through the countryside like a naked innocent boy!" Man, that's great stuff. Works every time.
2)
-- Q: Do you really think you're better than us? -- From MrX@Hannidate.com
-- A: Not all of you. Just some of you. Well....yeah, maybe all of you. We truly can't stand the lot of ya. No, no. Well, hold on now. Let's rethink that. It is so hard to make these kinds of decisions. There's definitely some of you we like. Yes. Some real keepers out there. Shit. Getting confused now. Do we hate everybody on the planet? Um...yeah, sometimes. Wow, did we really write that? Can't be true. No, we don't hate everybody. Hate is a very strong word. And some folks actually make our days pretty nice sometimes. But then.... Shit. Yeah, a good percentage of you are not what we'd call "credits to the species." But hey, that's probably your parents fault, right? Or the millions on welfare. Or your bratty, selfish kids. Or the government. Or Drew Bledsoe. Or that douchebag of a boss/underling/coworker that totally drives you up a wall. Right? OK. Man, we're completely lost now. What was the question?
3)
-- Q: How often do you masturbate to "Playboy" magazine? Them some hot girls! -- ButifulGrrls@yahoo.com
-- A: Not really very often.
4)
-- Q: Since your precious little "Seinfeld" has been off the air for years, who do you think is going to carry the torch for the sitcom world? Also, do you know any attractive, single women? -- From LittleKidLover@nbc.com
-- A: "The Office", motherfucker. "The Office." Love every last thing about it. To the second question...hmm. We were about to ask you the same thing, "LKL." Please keep us informed, and we'll do the same for you.
5)
-- Q: Now that you guys are out of work, what employment type situations do you see yourselves pursuing? -- HeadHuntersDoItInOnTheCopier@Monster.com
-- A: Yeah....thanks for bringing THAT up on a weekend. To be honest, we really aren't very good at remembering stuff (especially numbers and directions), being fake nice to customers, getting to work on time, filling out TPS reports, schmoozing, selling anything, shitting on those downstream from us, tiping fast and correctle, looking people in the eye. We also tend to drink heavily in the daytime. Further, the staff is way too friggin' obese to fit into any suit/tie deals, so that shitcans a lot of the stuff that we'd luuuuuv to get back into. With our intense dislike of humanity and all things related (though read further for exceptions), we really see ourselves as "unemployable." Guess we're just gonna have to bite the bullet and run for Congress.
6)
-- Q: How do we get to be 94 and still greet the day with a smile on our face? -- HatingLife@Lycos.com
-- A: By being a beautiful person. That's how.
7)
-- Q: What is the difference between "Ultimate Fighting" and the so called "Sweet Science"? -- DonH@exCBSer.net
-- A: We don't really know. The basic idea of both is to pummel the opponent into unconsciousness. And both are populated with managers and management types that should make anyone's skin crawl. Both have athletes who are willing to die in order to put food on their family's table. But somehow, boxing makes sense to us. It just does, though in the last twenty years there's been just the young Roy Jones who really got us going. When Ultimate Fighting comes up with athletic artistry to match Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Aaron Pryor and a young Mike Tyson, however brutal their craft and callously primal our enjoyment of it, then we might ease up on our distaste for Ultimate Fighting. Also, boxing and Chuck Wepner gave us "Rocky." As long as there are films being watched, "Rocky" will be seen and loved. Need we mention the mass of literature written about great fights and great fighters? Hell, even not so great fighters, both real and imagined, are an important element of 20th century American culture (example: read "Fat City", then watch John Huston's take on it).
8)
-- Q: Hey, deadbeats. You owe us fifty bucks. Pay up. -- Subscriptions@PortlandPressHerald.com
-- A: Surely. You guys are kicking some serious ass. Where else locally are we going to find out about the 20 year old who is going away for 60 months for "(blowing) up a vending machine", thanks to legislated mandatory minimum sentences? Who but the PPH would give us the "so incredible it's nearly funny" story about the wealthy Falmouth resident who owned a disability insurance provider, is on the Board of Directors at a local college, and acts as all around philanthropist....but who also just happens to be among the most dangerous people in the state? See here and here. What about the wanna be polygamist Mark Henkel from Old Orchard Beach featured in Seth Harkness' 12/15/06 piece? This guy claims that polygamy is "(T)he next civils right battle. THAT'S HOW SIGNIFICANT THIS IS." (Bold ours. Lunacy his.). Although Henkel claims to be "happily married", he provided Harkness with no futher details of how many 14 year old second cousins he has molested or sold off, if any. This character is so twisted, so "way the hell out there", that Michael fuckin' Heath of the "Civic" League of Maine has called him out. Now that's funny.
9)
-- Q: What is the current definition of "snarky hypocritical genius"? -- BigtimeBookReader@WhiteHouse.gov
-- A: This man. We here in the 'Pent do our best to separate the artist from the art, (see: Woody Allen, Natalie Wood, "Spartacus", Mailer, Salinger) but when the art is effected by snarkiness, pettiness or anything else, then eyebrows must be raised. What gives, Mr. Saunders?
10)
-- Q: Do you think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl? And if so, will Ron Borges have anything positive to say about Belichick? -- PatsRule@aol.com
-- A: We hope so. We doubt it.
11)
-- Q: Since you guys are all so cynical and callous, so hateful, so anti-American, so non-Christian, so motherfucking disrespectful to all that makes this a great motherfucking country, just why in the hell do you get your asses out of bed in the morning? -- YTuMamaTambienMFer@google.com
-- A: U2. Curb. Eggers. Mr. Kraft's Pats. Taking a nice hot shower. Corona. SI. Kitty Cats. The Beatles cds we've amassed through the years. Electricity and the possibility of getting a sweet, jarring shock to the system. Moms. Bruce, always Bruce. Amazon. FJM. Librarians. The wonderfulness that $95 dollars can get you. Tomorrows.
--------------------------------------------
1)
-- Q: Why are you guys so infatuated with "Seinfeld?" The show has been off the air for almost a decade, yet you are always quoting these self involved, obnoxious, apparently non-Christian, non-book reading Manhattanites, both in real life and on this stupid stupid blog. What gives? -- From frndsforlife@hotmail.com
-- A: You're right. In moments of stress the dwellers of Apt404 may quote some classic Jerry, George, Elaine or Kramer, thought not intentionally. It just happens. Every time we run into a tight spot and try to remember a good line from another show that really stands out in our memory, we tend to draw a blank. I mean really, how many times can you say, "I wish I were Einstein cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice." That just doesn't cut it for us. We need quality, some real substance when our hearts are racing. So often we'll reach for a "Karma, Kramer?"...a "Moops!"....some "The dingo ate your bay-bee!"...maybe a bit of "Running through the countryside like a naked innocent boy!" Man, that's great stuff. Works every time.
2)
-- Q: Do you really think you're better than us? -- From MrX@Hannidate.com
-- A: Not all of you. Just some of you. Well....yeah, maybe all of you. We truly can't stand the lot of ya. No, no. Well, hold on now. Let's rethink that. It is so hard to make these kinds of decisions. There's definitely some of you we like. Yes. Some real keepers out there. Shit. Getting confused now. Do we hate everybody on the planet? Um...yeah, sometimes. Wow, did we really write that? Can't be true. No, we don't hate everybody. Hate is a very strong word. And some folks actually make our days pretty nice sometimes. But then.... Shit. Yeah, a good percentage of you are not what we'd call "credits to the species." But hey, that's probably your parents fault, right? Or the millions on welfare. Or your bratty, selfish kids. Or the government. Or Drew Bledsoe. Or that douchebag of a boss/underling/coworker that totally drives you up a wall. Right? OK. Man, we're completely lost now. What was the question?
3)
-- Q: How often do you masturbate to "Playboy" magazine? Them some hot girls! -- ButifulGrrls@yahoo.com
-- A: Not really very often.
4)
-- Q: Since your precious little "Seinfeld" has been off the air for years, who do you think is going to carry the torch for the sitcom world? Also, do you know any attractive, single women? -- From LittleKidLover@nbc.com
-- A: "The Office", motherfucker. "The Office." Love every last thing about it. To the second question...hmm. We were about to ask you the same thing, "LKL." Please keep us informed, and we'll do the same for you.
5)
-- Q: Now that you guys are out of work, what employment type situations do you see yourselves pursuing? -- HeadHuntersDoItInOnTheCopier@Monster.com
-- A: Yeah....thanks for bringing THAT up on a weekend. To be honest, we really aren't very good at remembering stuff (especially numbers and directions), being fake nice to customers, getting to work on time, filling out TPS reports, schmoozing, selling anything, shitting on those downstream from us, tiping fast and correctle, looking people in the eye. We also tend to drink heavily in the daytime. Further, the staff is way too friggin' obese to fit into any suit/tie deals, so that shitcans a lot of the stuff that we'd luuuuuv to get back into. With our intense dislike of humanity and all things related (though read further for exceptions), we really see ourselves as "unemployable." Guess we're just gonna have to bite the bullet and run for Congress.
6)
-- Q: How do we get to be 94 and still greet the day with a smile on our face? -- HatingLife@Lycos.com
-- A: By being a beautiful person. That's how.
7)
-- Q: What is the difference between "Ultimate Fighting" and the so called "Sweet Science"? -- DonH@exCBSer.net
-- A: We don't really know. The basic idea of both is to pummel the opponent into unconsciousness. And both are populated with managers and management types that should make anyone's skin crawl. Both have athletes who are willing to die in order to put food on their family's table. But somehow, boxing makes sense to us. It just does, though in the last twenty years there's been just the young Roy Jones who really got us going. When Ultimate Fighting comes up with athletic artistry to match Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Aaron Pryor and a young Mike Tyson, however brutal their craft and callously primal our enjoyment of it, then we might ease up on our distaste for Ultimate Fighting. Also, boxing and Chuck Wepner gave us "Rocky." As long as there are films being watched, "Rocky" will be seen and loved. Need we mention the mass of literature written about great fights and great fighters? Hell, even not so great fighters, both real and imagined, are an important element of 20th century American culture (example: read "Fat City", then watch John Huston's take on it).
8)
-- Q: Hey, deadbeats. You owe us fifty bucks. Pay up. -- Subscriptions@PortlandPressHerald.com
-- A: Surely. You guys are kicking some serious ass. Where else locally are we going to find out about the 20 year old who is going away for 60 months for "(blowing) up a vending machine", thanks to legislated mandatory minimum sentences? Who but the PPH would give us the "so incredible it's nearly funny" story about the wealthy Falmouth resident who owned a disability insurance provider, is on the Board of Directors at a local college, and acts as all around philanthropist....but who also just happens to be among the most dangerous people in the state? See here and here. What about the wanna be polygamist Mark Henkel from Old Orchard Beach featured in Seth Harkness' 12/15/06 piece? This guy claims that polygamy is "(T)he next civils right battle. THAT'S HOW SIGNIFICANT THIS IS." (Bold ours. Lunacy his.). Although Henkel claims to be "happily married", he provided Harkness with no futher details of how many 14 year old second cousins he has molested or sold off, if any. This character is so twisted, so "way the hell out there", that Michael fuckin' Heath of the "Civic" League of Maine has called him out. Now that's funny.
9)
-- Q: What is the current definition of "snarky hypocritical genius"? -- BigtimeBookReader@WhiteHouse.gov
-- A: This man. We here in the 'Pent do our best to separate the artist from the art, (see: Woody Allen, Natalie Wood, "Spartacus", Mailer, Salinger) but when the art is effected by snarkiness, pettiness or anything else, then eyebrows must be raised. What gives, Mr. Saunders?
10)
-- Q: Do you think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl? And if so, will Ron Borges have anything positive to say about Belichick? -- PatsRule@aol.com
-- A: We hope so. We doubt it.
11)
-- Q: Since you guys are all so cynical and callous, so hateful, so anti-American, so non-Christian, so motherfucking disrespectful to all that makes this a great motherfucking country, just why in the hell do you get your asses out of bed in the morning? -- YTuMamaTambienMFer@google.com
-- A: U2. Curb. Eggers. Mr. Kraft's Pats. Taking a nice hot shower. Corona. SI. Kitty Cats. The Beatles cds we've amassed through the years. Electricity and the possibility of getting a sweet, jarring shock to the system. Moms. Bruce, always Bruce. Amazon. FJM. Librarians. The wonderfulness that $95 dollars can get you. Tomorrows.
posted by joe sweeney at 5:48 AM
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