"In football you wear a helmet. In baseball you wear a cap..."
Update on George Carlin's famous "Baseball versus Football" routine.....
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"Baseball and football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country.
And, as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values...
For those reasons I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. (The often released and eminantly forgettable Gary Matthews, Jr signed with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for $50 million spread over 5 years.)
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle. (Junior Seau's salary for the current season is $1 million dollars. With medical included. We hope.)
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park! (Theo Epstein signed J.D. "Hamstring" Drew and Julio Lugo to $70 million and $36 million dollar contracts, respectively the other day. Drew has played in an average of 118 games a year over his career, while shortstop Lugo has a career batting average of .277 and drove in 37 runs last season. That's a combined $106,000,000.00 for these two studs.)
Football is played on a GRIDIRON, in a STADIUM, sometimes called 'SOLDIER FIELD' or 'WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM'. (New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs salary last year was $685K.)
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. (Baltimore Orioles management signed THE Justin Speier to a 4 year, $18M no cut contract in an attempt to bolster their bullpen. Speier is 33 years old, has played 9 seasons in MLB, and has won 27 ballgames in his career, spread over five different organizations.)
Football begins in the fall, when everything is dying. (The Texans talented young DE/LB, Jason Babin was paid $1.8m in '05.
In football you wear a helmet. (The Steelers gifted safety, Troy Palomalu, is being paid about a million bucks this season. In his career, this guy has suffered at least a half dozen concussions, or, as one online poster put it, Palomalu has "concussion issues." Kind of like Stephen Hawking has "walking issues.")
In baseball you wear a cap. (Baseball's first franchise, the former Big Red Machine, has SS Alex Gonzalez and his .292 career on base percentage sewn up for the next 3 seasons. Price? $14 million.)
Football is concerned with downs. 'What down is it?' (Three time Pro Bowler Ron Stone, an offensive lineman now playing for the Raiders who's been in the league 14 years and has had a terrific career, is being paid $1.8 million this year.)
Baseball is concerned with ups. 'Who's up? Are you up? I'm not up! He's up!' (Greg Zaun, the epitome of a career platoon player, was signed by J.P. Ricciardi's Blue Jays for 2 years at $7.25m total.)
In football you receive a penalty. (Eagle Brian Dawkins, team leader, possibly the best safety in football over the last decade and a player who may well wind up in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, was paid $1.35 million in '05.)
In baseball you make an error. (Alfonso Soriano [or "ASor"] signed a bloated 8 year, $136m deal with the Cubs. He will be 38 at the end of the deal, and likely still not able to take a walk or field his position.)
In football the specialist comes in to kick. (Dropkickin' Doug Flutie was paid $865K last year by the Pats.)
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (The 32 year old soft tossing reliever Chad Bradford inked a $10.5m, 3 year deal with Baltimore.)
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting, and unnecessary roughness. (John Henderson, Jacksonville's stout defensive lineman, was paid $790,000 in 2005.)
Baseball has the sacrifice. (Gil Meche (GIL MECHE!) signed with the Kansas City Royal for five years at $55 million. GIL MECHE!'s career record is 55-44, with an ERA of 4.65)
Football is played in any kind of weather: Rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...can't see the game, don't know if there is a game going on; mud on the field...can't read the uniforms, can't read the yard markers, the struggle will continue! (A solid defensive lineman for the Rams, Ryan Pickett, made $1 million bucks last year.)
In baseball if it rains, we don't go out to play. 'I can't go out! It's raining out!' (Ted Lilly, a third or fourth starter if there ever was one, is going to get $40 million over the next 4 seasons from the Chicago Cubs.)
Baseball has the seventh-inning stretch. (Reliever Danys Baez, who has a losing career record, is going to be paid $19 million over the next three years by the Orioles. Good luck with alllll that, Mr. Flanagan.)
Football has the two-minute warning. ($482,000 from the Jets bought one season's worth of TE Doug Jolley in '05)
Baseball has no time limit: 'We don't know when it's gonna end!' (Giants sign tiny, mid 30 something speed guy Dave Roberts for three years, $18 million bucks. Hate to say it, Dave, but you just ain't worth it.)
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death. (E.J. Henderson, the Vikings solid young MLB, received $385K last year.)
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling. Emotions may run high or low, but there's not that much unpleasantness. (El Duque, age unknown, is going to be receiving $12m from the Metropolitans of New York over the next two seasons.)
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you were perfectly capable of taking the life of a fellow human being. (There are 23 players in the NFL with the last name "Jackson". Defensive lineman Grady Jackson, a long time run stopper, got $669,000 from the Packers in '05.)
And finally, the objectives of the the two games are completely different:
In football, the object is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. (Eric Johnson, 49ers TE and one of 40 men named "Johnson" in pro football, received $1.7 million last year.)
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! 'I hope I'll be safe at home!'" (Octavio Dotel, who has 25.1 innings pitched in the last two seasons, is due to receive $5 million from the free spending Royals.)
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George Carlin's material comes from Steve Cutcher's site.
--------------------------------------------
"Baseball and football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country.
And, as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values...
For those reasons I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. (The often released and eminantly forgettable Gary Matthews, Jr signed with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for $50 million spread over 5 years.)
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle. (Junior Seau's salary for the current season is $1 million dollars. With medical included. We hope.)
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park. The baseball park! (Theo Epstein signed J.D. "Hamstring" Drew and Julio Lugo to $70 million and $36 million dollar contracts, respectively the other day. Drew has played in an average of 118 games a year over his career, while shortstop Lugo has a career batting average of .277 and drove in 37 runs last season. That's a combined $106,000,000.00 for these two studs.)
Football is played on a GRIDIRON, in a STADIUM, sometimes called 'SOLDIER FIELD' or 'WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM'. (New York Giants running back Brandon Jacobs salary last year was $685K.)
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. (Baltimore Orioles management signed THE Justin Speier to a 4 year, $18M no cut contract in an attempt to bolster their bullpen. Speier is 33 years old, has played 9 seasons in MLB, and has won 27 ballgames in his career, spread over five different organizations.)
Football begins in the fall, when everything is dying. (The Texans talented young DE/LB, Jason Babin was paid $1.8m in '05.
In football you wear a helmet. (The Steelers gifted safety, Troy Palomalu, is being paid about a million bucks this season. In his career, this guy has suffered at least a half dozen concussions, or, as one online poster put it, Palomalu has "concussion issues." Kind of like Stephen Hawking has "walking issues.")
In baseball you wear a cap. (Baseball's first franchise, the former Big Red Machine, has SS Alex Gonzalez and his .292 career on base percentage sewn up for the next 3 seasons. Price? $14 million.)
Football is concerned with downs. 'What down is it?' (Three time Pro Bowler Ron Stone, an offensive lineman now playing for the Raiders who's been in the league 14 years and has had a terrific career, is being paid $1.8 million this year.)
Baseball is concerned with ups. 'Who's up? Are you up? I'm not up! He's up!' (Greg Zaun, the epitome of a career platoon player, was signed by J.P. Ricciardi's Blue Jays for 2 years at $7.25m total.)
In football you receive a penalty. (Eagle Brian Dawkins, team leader, possibly the best safety in football over the last decade and a player who may well wind up in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, was paid $1.35 million in '05.)
In baseball you make an error. (Alfonso Soriano [or "ASor"] signed a bloated 8 year, $136m deal with the Cubs. He will be 38 at the end of the deal, and likely still not able to take a walk or field his position.)
In football the specialist comes in to kick. (Dropkickin' Doug Flutie was paid $865K last year by the Pats.)
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (The 32 year old soft tossing reliever Chad Bradford inked a $10.5m, 3 year deal with Baltimore.)
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting, and unnecessary roughness. (John Henderson, Jacksonville's stout defensive lineman, was paid $790,000 in 2005.)
Baseball has the sacrifice. (Gil Meche (GIL MECHE!) signed with the Kansas City Royal for five years at $55 million. GIL MECHE!'s career record is 55-44, with an ERA of 4.65)
Football is played in any kind of weather: Rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...can't see the game, don't know if there is a game going on; mud on the field...can't read the uniforms, can't read the yard markers, the struggle will continue! (A solid defensive lineman for the Rams, Ryan Pickett, made $1 million bucks last year.)
In baseball if it rains, we don't go out to play. 'I can't go out! It's raining out!' (Ted Lilly, a third or fourth starter if there ever was one, is going to get $40 million over the next 4 seasons from the Chicago Cubs.)
Baseball has the seventh-inning stretch. (Reliever Danys Baez, who has a losing career record, is going to be paid $19 million over the next three years by the Orioles. Good luck with alllll that, Mr. Flanagan.)
Football has the two-minute warning. ($482,000 from the Jets bought one season's worth of TE Doug Jolley in '05)
Baseball has no time limit: 'We don't know when it's gonna end!' (Giants sign tiny, mid 30 something speed guy Dave Roberts for three years, $18 million bucks. Hate to say it, Dave, but you just ain't worth it.)
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death. (E.J. Henderson, the Vikings solid young MLB, received $385K last year.)
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling. Emotions may run high or low, but there's not that much unpleasantness. (El Duque, age unknown, is going to be receiving $12m from the Metropolitans of New York over the next two seasons.)
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you were perfectly capable of taking the life of a fellow human being. (There are 23 players in the NFL with the last name "Jackson". Defensive lineman Grady Jackson, a long time run stopper, got $669,000 from the Packers in '05.)
And finally, the objectives of the the two games are completely different:
In football, the object is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. (Eric Johnson, 49ers TE and one of 40 men named "Johnson" in pro football, received $1.7 million last year.)
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! 'I hope I'll be safe at home!'" (Octavio Dotel, who has 25.1 innings pitched in the last two seasons, is due to receive $5 million from the free spending Royals.)
==============================
George Carlin's material comes from Steve Cutcher's site.
posted by joe sweeney at 11:50 AM
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