What To Believe

I sit down amongst
And get paranoid
Who is watching me?
Who is judging me?
I am at heart a shy wannabe performer

Though

Hearing things others don't/can't hear and
Knowing these are wishes
From my brain
Translated into voices drilling into this sick head
That mock and defile
Hurts

People hate me
People love me
There is no in between
They all pay so much attention
But reality may be different

Self centered fears
And self love
Come out
And bother the fuck out of me
But I don't want to be anywhere else
I can think of

It's because I am lonely
And woeful
But full of hope and love
For this world
And its membership
In all forms

A better day is coming
Maybe
And we all deserve to believe in it

So
Why do I believe in them and their lives, constantly
But not always in me?