Christeen

She was lovely to me
In the beginning
Of our time together

She saved me from hopelessness

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Christeen dropped a note in my lap
As I went on and on about
How lonely I was
During the partial hospitalization group therapy we were both attending
At Portsmouth Hospital's Psych Unit
The note said, in effect, "Call me"

I did, that night
And she was nice
I had not noticed her before the note
In her jeans and windbreaker
Just another woman to me, really
But once she took notice of me
I began to take notice of her

We talked nightly
And quickly
Moved into my unfamiliar territories
"She must like me", I thought
"Why?"

The first night we had dinner somewhere on York Beach
A lovely meal, and we kept talking
Moving down to lie
Next to one another on Long Sands
She said to me, flat fucking out,
"I am attracted to you"
I'm such a dolt
It scared me

We made love the next time we saw each other
And it was the first time I ever came inside a woman

Sure, I had had sex before, but just playacting
The real thing, for me, was with Christeen, when I was 30
How amazing is that?
(Thank you sweetie for giving me that gift)

She was experienced at sex
And wasn't afraid of anything
I was her plaything
My penis her lollipop

I was learning that I was NOT a FREAK
When I was around her
Who hasn't ejaculated inside a woman when they reach 30 years old?
Me
Until Christeen

She had a beautiful body,
With full, womanly breasts and
Lovely hips
Petite but sturdy in shape
She was built for producing babies
And fucking

Quickly, I moved in to her place down on Kittery Point
As I had been living with my poor Mom back in town
Who celebrated my new relationship
With smiles
(Mom loved Christeen)

We shared our cats
And our showers
Two sweet people looking for something
And thinking maybe, maybe
They had found it
(Can I speak for her? I shouldn't)
She told me she loved me
And I didn't answer for three weeks
But I realized I did, and I told her so

That meant more to me, and hopefully
To her
Than a quick "I love you, too" would have
I really had to think about it
And was happy when I said it, for freaking real,
For the first time to a woman

Then

I became selfish in our lovemaking
Not doing things for her
That she was doing for me
I just wanted to quickly be inside her
And pump away
For as long and as hard as we could stand it
Intense
But selfish
On my part
(Today, I am sorry for that, Christeen)

And she drifted away
While I got depressed, more and more so
What was I doing with my life?
Why didn't I want to work?
Why didn't I just get a job?
She didn't know that stress changed me
Made me worse off, more depressed, more hopeless

She got to see the real me
When I took a temp job in accounting over in Manchester
I would get up and shower at 530am, leave by 630, in the dark of winter mornings
And get home in the dark of night
And could feel my brain shrinking
My heart bursting
So I quit
I lasted about a week

That failed job
I think
Started us on the downhill path as
She looked elsewhere
For financial security
And, apparently found it quickly
In another man's bed

She told me to move out one day
As I lay watching the NCAA tournament
She thought I was lazy now? Wait till football season, I thought

I can laugh now
But the moment she said "it's not working out"
Was like a dream
I did what I had to do
Packed up my stuff in a van
And got ready to move up to Portland

The last time I held her in my arms
I asked her to make love with me one more time
She declined
Through tears

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It's 13 years later
And all that I can think is
Thank you Christeen.
I will always love you