Princess Elaine

We've got another scoop! An interview with the former Elaine Benes of "Seinfeld" fame. She graciously gave us an hour or so of her time recently. Take that, old school media! We've got the goods here at The 'Pent. As some of our readers may know, Elaine Benes is now known as The Baroness Elaine von Schuetzendorf and is the wife of the ruling monarch of a tiny nation in The Alps of Southern Europe. Her story fascinates.

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Hank Szabo: How should I address you now that you're royalty? "Your Majesty?" "Your Grace?"

Elaine: Just Elaine is fine, Hank. I'm not big on the trappings of power. I come from such a small monarchy, anyway. I'm quite comfortable with a commoner like yourself addressing me by my proper first name.

Hank Szabo: Ok.....Elaine. Let's fill our readers in on your life since you left "Seinfeld" following its cancellation in 1998...

Elaine: ...Hold on, Mr. Szabo. We weren't cancelled. We chose to end the show. It was our choice.

HS: Right. Sure. You chose to give up a successful sitcom to do "Watching Ellie?" No, I think you guys got cancelled for some reason and tried to steer the media in a certain direction. But whatever, Your Royal Highness. Let's talk about your husband and the country that you call home now.

E: My husband is Baron Youkilis von Schuetzendorf. The country we govern is a small nation of about 5,000 square miles, nestled into the Alps between France and Italy. It's called Fitaly. We have a population of about 20,000 humans and 60,000 goats.

HS: Go on, please, Elaine. Tell us more about Fitaly.

E: The country was created in 1959. France and Italy had declared war on each other in 1957 in order to capture land that had been disputed for centuries. Both countries greatly desired the natural resources we possess, and the goats, and were willing to fight for it. But seeing as how the French army has never been great shakes and the Italians lost to Ethiopia, there was very little shooting and no dying in the War For Fitaly. Just a bunch of drunken Frogs and Ities wandering around the mountains of Southern Europe, shooting off a round of ammo every few weeks, calling each other names and such. The dispute ended in 1959, by treaty, as both countries were worried that in the war someone could get really, really hurt.

HS: If there was a treaty between France and Italy, how did Fitaly get its independance from the two?

E: Typographical error. The treaty was missing the second page when it was signed by DeGaulle and the Italian Prime Minister Segni. The missing page contained a map of what would become Fitaly. The two men, who were admittedly a little drunk at the time, signed anyway. The treaty as it was signed simply called for an exchange of wine and bread between the armies, but nothing about who would govern the territory under dispute. Quite the mishap for the two nations. But they've dealt with worse.

HS: That's amazing. The French and Italians have never been much on details, have they?

E: No. No, they haven't.

HS: So Fitaly came into being in '59. How did the country chose its form of government?

E: The people who lived within its borders were quite happy to be free of foreign governments. So happy that they really didn't put much thought into who would run the place. The von Schuetzendorfs were the biggest goat owning family in Fitaly, and when elections were held they decided that one vote for them would mean one goat for the family voting. Times were tough and goat milk is considered a delicacy in our country. Also, goat cheese, goat kidney, goat tongue, goat hooves. Pretty much any part of the goat is a delicacy in Fitaly. That's why my husband's family won the election.

HS: Sounds like cooking is not exactly the national passion for your people. Anyway, how did you meet The Baron Youkilis? We hear it happened in New York City.

E: I met my husband to be a a gala in the spring of 1999 at the The Roosevelt Hotel. The Baron was looking to meet Americans who might make good potential mates, as many of the women from Fitaly look a lot like goats, for some reason. He spotted me across the room, we made eye contact, and he approached me.

HS: What did he say to you?

E: "Is that Fitalian velvet you're wearing, Miss?"

HS: What?

E: The velvet that comes from what would become my country is the finest in the world. I knew that well before meeting The Baron. My dress that night was made of sheer Fitalian hammered black velvet, the most expensive and luxurious made. I was wearing a "LVD", or Little Velvet Dress, and it caught his eye, thankfully. He rolled the fabric between his forefinger and thumb, admiring the touch and feel. I was impressed, and smitten.

HS: Mmmhmmm.

E: I remember the exact moment he went for the velvet. Brian McKnight's "Back at One" was playing. That became our song.

HS: That's actually a really good song.

E: It was a whirlwind courtship, you might say. We fell in love pretty much immediately. He was dapper, charming, and really very wealthy. Just the kind of man I'd been looking for. I mean, I went out with a mechanic for years, ya know? This was a huge step up.

HS: Your story is reminiscent of Grace Kelly's. Did you know that?

E: Yeah, it's funny. On "Seinfeld" we beat the Jackie O comparisons to death. Completely to death. But we never did anything with Princess Grace. The writing on the show left a lot to be desired, frankly. George, Kramer, Jerry, and I carried those geeks for years. But enough bitterness. I appreciate your comparing my story to such a wonderful woman.

HS: And you have children?

E: Yes. Twins. A boy and a girl. Their names are Mailer and Dolores.

HS: How wonderful. Can you tell us about them?

E: They are ten years old, and are the joys of our lives. Just delights! And no one ever tells you that parenting is such hard work! My goodness. Two weeks after I gave birth to the twins, The Baron and I had to go on a skiing trip for two months just to recover. Thankfully, royalty has its privileges, and the children were well taken care of while we were gone. Of course, neither one took to the nipple upon my return, but we managed without.

HS: We've heard that your two children were born with a rare disability.

E: Yes, Hank. Sadly, little Mailer and Dolores were born with their left ears on the right side of their heads, and the right ears on the left side of their heads, a condition known as Reverse Mutata Pinna Syndrome. Very rare and very troubling, but we manage as best we can. We just tell the kids to turn their heads when they listen. It's confusing, but, again, we get through the day as best we can.

HS: Good for you. We always knew you'd make a great Mom. So selfless and loving.

E: Thank you. I thought it might never happen during those dark days living as a single woman in Manhattan in the nineties, working at J. Peterman and Pendant Publishing and for Mr. Pitt, dating all those losers, hanging out with Seinfeld, Costanza, and Kramer. But I've found happiness, and am blessed. My life would be just perfect if the kids weren't so severely deformed, but hey, what can I say? The Baron and I, and Mailer and Dolores, are doing OK. Our country has plenty of goats, and life is good.

HS: Well, Elaine, that's all the time we have. Thanks so much for sitting down with us.

E: You're very welcome. And the next time you're in Southern Europe, give us a call. We can serve you Goat Pie, with Fried Goat Cheese, and Goat Pudding for dessert. I've really developed a taste for it after ten years.