What if Jesus Had Brothers?
John – born 4 BC
Jesus – born The Year Zero
Chris – born 4 AD
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School years
John – tall and skinny, didn’t like being the older brother, resented Jesus because, well, he was Jesus, was buddies with Chris though, went to private religious school, loved horse drawn carts, also loved to drink wine with the fellas from the neighborhood
Jesus – 11 pounds at birth, didn’t speak until 3, then asked, “Why is there air?", almost unhealthily thin and short, wore glasses, had a bad haircut, no friends in school because he was too shy and serious, soiled his underwear in first grade twice because there were monsters in the bathrooms, never ate school food because he brought a sack lunch with him every day, in fifth grade the school held a “what kind of farmer or carpenter do you want to be when you grow up?” fair at school, Jesus had no idea…play basketball at the University of Notre Dame at Jerusalem, maybe? His teacher told him that was not a realistic goal: “You’ll be a farmer just like your father, Jesus, Get used to the idea” Jesus never told anyone his dreams for a very long time, he got cut from the goat head soccer team in sixth grade, breaking his little heart, later Jesus went to a goat head soccer game held in Pelham to watch the other kids play. at the start of the second half one of little boys on the field said “Hey Jesus, you want my autograph? You can’t fucking have it, loser! Go make some bread, you little shit!” Jesus never went to another goat head soccer game, though he loved the sport passionately
Chris – cute baby, popular with other kids, plenty of girlfriends, good at sports, wanted to become a barber in Tel Aviv, was sick of small town Jerusalem and couldn’t wait to get out of town
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Work years
John: got kicked out of horse and cart building school for drinking too much wine, flunked his Roman Legion physical, went to work overnights at the local usury, worked hard and got promoted, began writing bank stuff on 50 pound blocks of granite, got good at it, other people who worked at the usery asked him if he would teach them to write good on 50 pound granite blocks, John moved around a lot, never got married, made a fortune in the 50 pound granite block business, moved to the coast
John: moved to Tel Aviv, found a job he loved, made many friends, enjoyed the good life
Jesus: moved to Damascus for a few years after graduating, thought it was a nice place, nice weather but a bit too hot for Jesus’ taste, nice people, funny accents, Jesus got very depressed and lonely, moved back in with his parents in Jerusalem, Jesus' Dad sent him to a therapist named Isaiah, who did his best but didn't help Jesus feel any better about himself, Jesus eventually ran into money troubles (being Jesus' is tough work, apparently), sent a 50 pound granite block to his brother John via UPS, got no response, asked his brother Chris for 10 pieces of silver, Chris said “no”, Jesus didn't know what to do next
To be continued
Jesus – born The Year Zero
Chris – born 4 AD
===============
School years
John – tall and skinny, didn’t like being the older brother, resented Jesus because, well, he was Jesus, was buddies with Chris though, went to private religious school, loved horse drawn carts, also loved to drink wine with the fellas from the neighborhood
Jesus – 11 pounds at birth, didn’t speak until 3, then asked, “Why is there air?", almost unhealthily thin and short, wore glasses, had a bad haircut, no friends in school because he was too shy and serious, soiled his underwear in first grade twice because there were monsters in the bathrooms, never ate school food because he brought a sack lunch with him every day, in fifth grade the school held a “what kind of farmer or carpenter do you want to be when you grow up?” fair at school, Jesus had no idea…play basketball at the University of Notre Dame at Jerusalem, maybe? His teacher told him that was not a realistic goal: “You’ll be a farmer just like your father, Jesus, Get used to the idea” Jesus never told anyone his dreams for a very long time, he got cut from the goat head soccer team in sixth grade, breaking his little heart, later Jesus went to a goat head soccer game held in Pelham to watch the other kids play. at the start of the second half one of little boys on the field said “Hey Jesus, you want my autograph? You can’t fucking have it, loser! Go make some bread, you little shit!” Jesus never went to another goat head soccer game, though he loved the sport passionately
Chris – cute baby, popular with other kids, plenty of girlfriends, good at sports, wanted to become a barber in Tel Aviv, was sick of small town Jerusalem and couldn’t wait to get out of town
===============
Work years
John: got kicked out of horse and cart building school for drinking too much wine, flunked his Roman Legion physical, went to work overnights at the local usury, worked hard and got promoted, began writing bank stuff on 50 pound blocks of granite, got good at it, other people who worked at the usery asked him if he would teach them to write good on 50 pound granite blocks, John moved around a lot, never got married, made a fortune in the 50 pound granite block business, moved to the coast
John: moved to Tel Aviv, found a job he loved, made many friends, enjoyed the good life
Jesus: moved to Damascus for a few years after graduating, thought it was a nice place, nice weather but a bit too hot for Jesus’ taste, nice people, funny accents, Jesus got very depressed and lonely, moved back in with his parents in Jerusalem, Jesus' Dad sent him to a therapist named Isaiah, who did his best but didn't help Jesus feel any better about himself, Jesus eventually ran into money troubles (being Jesus' is tough work, apparently), sent a 50 pound granite block to his brother John via UPS, got no response, asked his brother Chris for 10 pieces of silver, Chris said “no”, Jesus didn't know what to do next
To be continued
posted by joe sweeney at 10:56 AM
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