Bill Simmons is hosting Saturday Night Live? We like it!
Can't ask for a more appropriate superstar host, Lorne.
Way to reel in the big fish!
Cutting edge. Two years ago.
He's a little bit dorky and quite a bit nutty.
And a wicked hack of a writer.
That's B.S.
==============================================
Maybe Simmons can bring back the 1980-81 "Glory Days." Hope so.
==============================================
Opening Sketch:
Bill and "Stoner"(Jason S.) broadcast the Cal Tech v. Oregon School of Pharmacy Division III basketball game, to be shown on Bill's own creation, ESPN.8. Think "Broadcast News"; you know what we're talking about.
Stoner and Bill know none of the player's names, have no idea what the score is, and make several dozen jokes about the black kids having weird looking hair and police records.
After game, Simmons and Stoner congratulate each other on doing a pretty damn good job. BS: "I'm gonna blog this, dude. 15,000 words, minimum!"
==============================================
Opening Monologue:
Cut due to dehydration of host.
Instead, cast does a musical number (are we the only ones who think that Steve Martin and Co.'s "This time, I'll try!" was one of the great SNL moments?).
From "Dreamgirls", And I am telling you I'm not going". With Keenan in the Jennifer Hudson role. Or maybe J-Hud herself, since IMDB says she might be free (and yes: she kicks serious ass). Why is she "not going?" (The third sketch ties in nicely.) Maybe the "American Idol" judges could sit in front of her. (They suck, by the way.) She has an Oscar. The judges have: a boyfriend (the British guy), a jar of Elmer's glue (the ex-Faker girl), and no life or career, dawg (the black guy wearing non-prescription glasses) once AI is cancelled next year.
Did we mention that J-Hud has an Oscar, mutherfuckers?
==============================================
Fake Ad:
Fred as Lance Armstrong and Bill as self, though might be wearing a Martin Short as "Clifford" type outfit. Not sure.
B.S. asks for the cylist's sweaty t-shirt after Lance finishes up his workout in the ESPN electric room. Tells the Lancer that "I'm a BIG bicycling fan!"
Lance throws his t over his shoulder to Bill as he walks away (soft, Fox type lighting for this). a la Mean Joe Greene.
B.S. has a look on his face of pure lust, his eyes moving down to watch those muscular buttocks move away. "Thanks, Lancer!" Takes major wiff of the shirt, then breaks into knowing grin.
==============================================
Musical Guest:
Some completely lame band no one ever heard of that Simmons found on iTunes/grungy/lamo/obscure_poseurs.com.
The band sucks, and no one can hear a word of the lyrics. They also need a collective bath/shower, and vomit onstage at the end of the first song.
==============================================
Second Sketch:
ESPN!'s Sportscenter!, with Scott Van Pelt and Bill Simmons anchoring.
Van Pelt, wearing boxers down low while doing his readthrough and doing a mean Phil Jackson impersonation with his granny glasses and soul patch (just wait), calls Gary Smith of SI a "wannabe anchorman here at the world-wide leader." Adds, "I'm taller than him!"
Simmons mentions how fetching that receptionist chick is on NBC's "The Office" during his run through of the day's scores. Drools a little bit. Takes off wedding band during bit. Drools some more. Out of nowhere, tells viewers that "I'd made a fantastic NBA G.M. No problem!"
==============================================
Third Sketch:
Bill Simmons as guest judge on the WB's "National Idol", with Bill Hader as Rush Limbaugh (Rush'll do anything to be exposed...we mean "get exposure"...) and Will Forte as Lorne.
Maya R. and Andy S. do a scene from "Godfather II." Nail it.
Simmons (as self), Rush and Lorne say that the scene is too short, lacks "energy", add "I didn't believe a word of it", and give them a "We'll Call You." (Meaning they hate it but don't have the balls to say it out loud.)
Amy P. and Fred A. are next, doing a scene from "Annie Hall." Nail it.
Simmons asks what movie the scene is from. Complains about "too many syllables." Rush questions why the Jews get all the good roles. And Lorne says "I like it, but it's too New Yorky." This scene also gets a "We'll Call You" from the trio.
After the actors leave, Bill, Rush and Lorne note that there just aren't that many quality shows hiring pompous white windbags anymore. Oh for the "Good Old Days" in the 50s/60s/70s/80/s/90s.
============================================
Fourth Sketch:
"Segways of Glory."
Simmons and Fred A. become the first all "male" Segway Line-Dancing pair in the history of competitive Segway Line-Dancing.
Simmons is very, very concerned with "Who leads?" Asks about nose plugs, how much jelatin to put in his hair, and where the "athletic supporter" goes ("...inside or out?").
Their music? "High on a Mountain Top" by Lorettee Lynn, or "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" by Mr. Loaf.
============================================
Fifth Sketch:
"Is He Black Enough?", a WB talk show hosted by Keenan.
First up: Barack. Name: check. Black wife: check. Says he plays basketball: check. Grew up white. no check. Went to Harvard: no check. Senator: no check. Speaks like Eddie Murphy's "banana in the tailpipe" line: no check. Overall: pretty black, but not black enough.
Next...
Charles Barkley: Black skin: check. Played pro sports: check. Wants to be Governor: no check. Claims to be a Republican: check(?). Overweight in middle age: check. Gambles a lot and gets in bar fights: check. Overall, Barkley is pretty fucking black.
And then...
Tiger Woods: Plays sports for a living: check. That sport being golf: no check. Rich and gives nothing back to society: no check or check, depending on Keenan's mood at this point. Went to college for two years, then dropped out: check. That college was Stanford: no check. Married a white chick: check. Black. Sigh.
Plus...
Mark Cuban: Left high school early: check. Went to a crappy school like Pitt: check. Taught disco dancing: check. Worked in computer sales for a while and hated it: check. Made a billion from some bullshit internet company: no check. Bought a damn sports franchise with his billion: check. Got robbed of an NBA title by three white refs: check. Makes a fool of hisself constantly at the arena: check. Thinks that giving the players nice towels will make them play harder: check. Mark Cuban may look white, but damn if he isn't seriously black. Alright!
And last...
Bill Simmons? Attended the College of The Holy Cross though not an athlete: no check. Sportswriter: no check. Red Sox fan: no check. Celtics fan: no check. Likes (or pretends to like) obscure, crappy bands that no one else has heard of: no check. B.S. may be the whitest guy in the country.
============================================
Sixth Sketch:
Bill is the Queen Bee. The rest of the cast are Workers.
After a minute or so of lame Bee jokes (is that a stinger or are you just happy to see me?), cast breaks and starts bitching that Lorne is sucking up to Disney by having Simmons play the lead role in the sketch.
Cast: "We're NBC! Remember Ted Danson? Remember "Wings?" We're G.E., dammit! And we're not gonna take it any more. Third or fourth place isn't so bad when you consider that there's a hundred and fifty seven channels with nothing on. Forget Disney. We're N. B. C. Remember, 'Silverman proud?' 'Bay City Blues?' TED DANSON?"
============================================
Seventh Sketch:
Bill as Raymond on "ELR." Bill H. as Peter Lorre charactor. Kristin as his wife, what's her name. And Maya as Patricia Heaton, though hot and sane. Kids? We never see them, either.
Plot of sketch/show: Bill/Raymond writes a book about how "I Invented the Internet." He never laughs, never changes expression, and pronounces every word in a slurring, annoying fashion with extreme nasal inflection.
Maya gives him the usual shit, then wonders why she married him. "I could have married a much bigger shoe size."
============================================
Eighth Sketch:
"The Dress Sketch that someone forgot to cut from the live show."
Title: Why We Hate ________ .
Andy = I hate rap. It's short for crapola.
Maya = I hate playing prositutes just because I'm black and sexy.
Kristin and Bill H. = Why do we always have to do impressions all the time? Give us something meaty, writers/assholes!
Keenan = Why am I always stereotyped as the dumb black guy, seeing as I'm the only Ivy League grad on this fucking show. I went to Brown, man.
Amy = If I never have to do one of those physically grueling sketches with Horatio or anyone else where I play the retarded kid, I'll be very happy.
Seth = Everybody knows I'm from Boston. Can we just drop it, please?
Darrell = 12 years of this? Where's my "Darrell's World" script, Lorne? Hmmmm?
Will F. = Ok, can we just admit that I can't sing? Please stop making me sing.
Jason = Does every character I play have to be so damn sarcastic? I can play it soft, too, dammit. I'm NOT an asshole!
Fred = I'd rather play Beyonce than Prince, any day.
============================================
During the "Thanks for watching"! close, the cast slowly but surely squeezes B.S. off the stage and into the front row of the audience.
All cheer!
============================================
Tonight's show sponsored by EA Sports. We're Fans!
Way to reel in the big fish!
Cutting edge. Two years ago.
He's a little bit dorky and quite a bit nutty.
And a wicked hack of a writer.
That's B.S.
==============================================
Maybe Simmons can bring back the 1980-81 "Glory Days." Hope so.
==============================================
Opening Sketch:
Bill and "Stoner"(Jason S.) broadcast the Cal Tech v. Oregon School of Pharmacy Division III basketball game, to be shown on Bill's own creation, ESPN.8. Think "Broadcast News"; you know what we're talking about.
Stoner and Bill know none of the player's names, have no idea what the score is, and make several dozen jokes about the black kids having weird looking hair and police records.
After game, Simmons and Stoner congratulate each other on doing a pretty damn good job. BS: "I'm gonna blog this, dude. 15,000 words, minimum!"
==============================================
Opening Monologue:
Cut due to dehydration of host.
Instead, cast does a musical number (are we the only ones who think that Steve Martin and Co.'s "This time, I'll try!" was one of the great SNL moments?).
From "Dreamgirls", And I am telling you I'm not going". With Keenan in the Jennifer Hudson role. Or maybe J-Hud herself, since IMDB says she might be free (and yes: she kicks serious ass). Why is she "not going?" (The third sketch ties in nicely.) Maybe the "American Idol" judges could sit in front of her. (They suck, by the way.) She has an Oscar. The judges have: a boyfriend (the British guy), a jar of Elmer's glue (the ex-Faker girl), and no life or career, dawg (the black guy wearing non-prescription glasses) once AI is cancelled next year.
Did we mention that J-Hud has an Oscar, mutherfuckers?
==============================================
Fake Ad:
Fred as Lance Armstrong and Bill as self, though might be wearing a Martin Short as "Clifford" type outfit. Not sure.
B.S. asks for the cylist's sweaty t-shirt after Lance finishes up his workout in the ESPN electric room. Tells the Lancer that "I'm a BIG bicycling fan!"
Lance throws his t over his shoulder to Bill as he walks away (soft, Fox type lighting for this). a la Mean Joe Greene.
B.S. has a look on his face of pure lust, his eyes moving down to watch those muscular buttocks move away. "Thanks, Lancer!" Takes major wiff of the shirt, then breaks into knowing grin.
==============================================
Musical Guest:
Some completely lame band no one ever heard of that Simmons found on iTunes/grungy/lamo/obscure_poseurs.com.
The band sucks, and no one can hear a word of the lyrics. They also need a collective bath/shower, and vomit onstage at the end of the first song.
==============================================
Second Sketch:
ESPN!'s Sportscenter!, with Scott Van Pelt and Bill Simmons anchoring.
Van Pelt, wearing boxers down low while doing his readthrough and doing a mean Phil Jackson impersonation with his granny glasses and soul patch (just wait), calls Gary Smith of SI a "wannabe anchorman here at the world-wide leader." Adds, "I'm taller than him!"
Simmons mentions how fetching that receptionist chick is on NBC's "The Office" during his run through of the day's scores. Drools a little bit. Takes off wedding band during bit. Drools some more. Out of nowhere, tells viewers that "I'd made a fantastic NBA G.M. No problem!"
==============================================
Third Sketch:
Bill Simmons as guest judge on the WB's "National Idol", with Bill Hader as Rush Limbaugh (Rush'll do anything to be exposed...we mean "get exposure"...) and Will Forte as Lorne.
Maya R. and Andy S. do a scene from "Godfather II." Nail it.
Simmons (as self), Rush and Lorne say that the scene is too short, lacks "energy", add "I didn't believe a word of it", and give them a "We'll Call You." (Meaning they hate it but don't have the balls to say it out loud.)
Amy P. and Fred A. are next, doing a scene from "Annie Hall." Nail it.
Simmons asks what movie the scene is from. Complains about "too many syllables." Rush questions why the Jews get all the good roles. And Lorne says "I like it, but it's too New Yorky." This scene also gets a "We'll Call You" from the trio.
After the actors leave, Bill, Rush and Lorne note that there just aren't that many quality shows hiring pompous white windbags anymore. Oh for the "Good Old Days" in the 50s/60s/70s/80/s/90s.
============================================
Fourth Sketch:
"Segways of Glory."
Simmons and Fred A. become the first all "male" Segway Line-Dancing pair in the history of competitive Segway Line-Dancing.
Simmons is very, very concerned with "Who leads?" Asks about nose plugs, how much jelatin to put in his hair, and where the "athletic supporter" goes ("...inside or out?").
Their music? "High on a Mountain Top" by Lorettee Lynn, or "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" by Mr. Loaf.
============================================
Fifth Sketch:
"Is He Black Enough?", a WB talk show hosted by Keenan.
First up: Barack. Name: check. Black wife: check. Says he plays basketball: check. Grew up white. no check. Went to Harvard: no check. Senator: no check. Speaks like Eddie Murphy's "banana in the tailpipe" line: no check. Overall: pretty black, but not black enough.
Next...
Charles Barkley: Black skin: check. Played pro sports: check. Wants to be Governor: no check. Claims to be a Republican: check(?). Overweight in middle age: check. Gambles a lot and gets in bar fights: check. Overall, Barkley is pretty fucking black.
And then...
Tiger Woods: Plays sports for a living: check. That sport being golf: no check. Rich and gives nothing back to society: no check or check, depending on Keenan's mood at this point. Went to college for two years, then dropped out: check. That college was Stanford: no check. Married a white chick: check. Black. Sigh.
Plus...
Mark Cuban: Left high school early: check. Went to a crappy school like Pitt: check. Taught disco dancing: check. Worked in computer sales for a while and hated it: check. Made a billion from some bullshit internet company: no check. Bought a damn sports franchise with his billion: check. Got robbed of an NBA title by three white refs: check. Makes a fool of hisself constantly at the arena: check. Thinks that giving the players nice towels will make them play harder: check. Mark Cuban may look white, but damn if he isn't seriously black. Alright!
And last...
Bill Simmons? Attended the College of The Holy Cross though not an athlete: no check. Sportswriter: no check. Red Sox fan: no check. Celtics fan: no check. Likes (or pretends to like) obscure, crappy bands that no one else has heard of: no check. B.S. may be the whitest guy in the country.
============================================
Sixth Sketch:
Bill is the Queen Bee. The rest of the cast are Workers.
After a minute or so of lame Bee jokes (is that a stinger or are you just happy to see me?), cast breaks and starts bitching that Lorne is sucking up to Disney by having Simmons play the lead role in the sketch.
Cast: "We're NBC! Remember Ted Danson? Remember "Wings?" We're G.E., dammit! And we're not gonna take it any more. Third or fourth place isn't so bad when you consider that there's a hundred and fifty seven channels with nothing on. Forget Disney. We're N. B. C. Remember, 'Silverman proud?' 'Bay City Blues?' TED DANSON?"
============================================
Seventh Sketch:
Bill as Raymond on "ELR." Bill H. as Peter Lorre charactor. Kristin as his wife, what's her name. And Maya as Patricia Heaton, though hot and sane. Kids? We never see them, either.
Plot of sketch/show: Bill/Raymond writes a book about how "I Invented the Internet." He never laughs, never changes expression, and pronounces every word in a slurring, annoying fashion with extreme nasal inflection.
Maya gives him the usual shit, then wonders why she married him. "I could have married a much bigger shoe size."
============================================
Eighth Sketch:
"The Dress Sketch that someone forgot to cut from the live show."
Title: Why We Hate ________ .
Andy = I hate rap. It's short for crapola.
Maya = I hate playing prositutes just because I'm black and sexy.
Kristin and Bill H. = Why do we always have to do impressions all the time? Give us something meaty, writers/assholes!
Keenan = Why am I always stereotyped as the dumb black guy, seeing as I'm the only Ivy League grad on this fucking show. I went to Brown, man.
Amy = If I never have to do one of those physically grueling sketches with Horatio or anyone else where I play the retarded kid, I'll be very happy.
Seth = Everybody knows I'm from Boston. Can we just drop it, please?
Darrell = 12 years of this? Where's my "Darrell's World" script, Lorne? Hmmmm?
Will F. = Ok, can we just admit that I can't sing? Please stop making me sing.
Jason = Does every character I play have to be so damn sarcastic? I can play it soft, too, dammit. I'm NOT an asshole!
Fred = I'd rather play Beyonce than Prince, any day.
============================================
During the "Thanks for watching"! close, the cast slowly but surely squeezes B.S. off the stage and into the front row of the audience.
All cheer!
============================================
Tonight's show sponsored by EA Sports. We're Fans!
posted by joe sweeney at 9:53 PM
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