"Dear John" - Dear God, Make Them Stop

The late winter/early spring is the great dumping ground for crappy movies. "When In Rome", "Valentine's Day" (which I was actually looking forward to seeing. Nice call, 'Pent!), "From Paris With Love", and "Tooth Fairy" are just some of the dreck currently playing in Portland. But I still love going to the movies and am always willing to give a film a chance in the hopes of getting surprised. Having a younger brother who is involved in moviemaking lets me know that a lot of the time the folks making the film are trying very, very hard to make a quality product but oftentimes are just as confused in their jobs as you and I are in our lives.

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Yesterday afternoon I had a couple of hours to kill and thought to myself, "Just how bad can 'Dear John' be?" I mean, I knew it would be suck, just a question of to what degree. But I'm a sucker for a good love story and was a bit desperate for entertainment.

What a mistake. It was bad in a way that brings new meaning to the word "bad." We here at The 'Pent will attempt to come up with a new word for "bad" to be used in reviews of shitty movies, much like Woody Allen tried to invent a new world to describe his love for his girlfriend in "Manhattan" ("Loouuff", as I recall). How about "baad?" Maybe "awe-ful?" Or "crap-nova?" The staff here at The 'Pent will work on it through the night.

The stars of "Dear John", Channing Tatum and Amanda Seyfried, seem likable enough young actors. But Tatum brings new meaning to the term "morose." Nobody will know if this dude ever tries botox since his facial muscles never seem to move more than a millimeter in any direction. And Seyfried, as pleasant and earnest as she is, simply lacks sex appeal. You don't wanna sleep with her, to put in bluntly.

I recast this movie in my mind as I was watching the first few minutes. Megan Fox would have potentially killed as the lovelorn girl. She certainly has "it" as far as sexiness, but she also needs to branch her career out from the naughty nasties she currently plays to more likable and enduring characters.

And as for the role of hunk, I would have preferred a Ryan. Maybe Ryan Gosling or Ryan Phillippe, two of the underrated young actors around. Either one would have been fine. In fact, dozens of good actors could have nailed this role. Tatum does not. As I mentioned, his facial expressions are, to put it mildly, limited. He's got the bod but not the steam to make it work.

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I lasted about half an hour with this one, then went out in my car and took a nap. I was fatigued from the awfulness of "Dear John." Such is life.