Mail Bag: All Male Mail
Keep those cards, letters, emails, and sex toys coming folks. We're inundated. So to clear out some space we'll answer a few questions:
====================
Dear Mr. Pent Man;
My girlfriend keeps checking out cute guys at the gym while we're lifting. How do I stop her from noticing other men?
--- Name withheld on request
First of all, working out with your girlfriend is gay. Really, it's fucking gay, dude. What's wrong with you? I think maybe it's cool to lift and do cardio with your wife, since married people have nothing better to do. But if you're NOT married, and you bring your babe to the gym....well, what did you expect? There's all these people like me there with nothing better to do with their time than work out and develop nice bodies, and you think your woman is NOT going to notice us? No chance. Just give up and get yourself a boyfriend. Loser.
Dear Apt404 Personnel;
Why do you play your car stereo so loud? It's damn annoying to other drivers.
--- Pissed off in Portland
Yeah, you're right. It is obnoxious of us. When we're driving around the city and not in the mood to listen to music it really yanks our chain when some asshole cranks it up in his truck or BMW or whatever. After thinking about it a bit there appears to be some fundamental law of society at work here that we have not yet completely figured out. It goes something like, "If I do it (or don't do it), it's awesomely cool. If you do it (or don't do it, as the case may be) it's obnoxious and wrong." This law, which we'll call The Law of Selective Selfishness, seems to apply to washing your hands after using a public restroom, refolding clothes after looking at them at Target, putting carts into the corrals at the supermarket parking lot, tail gaiting, speeding, playing music, not using your turn signal, driving with a broken brake light: Basically a lot of car stuff, mostly.
With that in mind we're still gonna listen to MJ at full blast (at least as loud as the speakers in our Corolla go), but feel guilty about it. Kind of a Jewish thing, though we're athiests.
Dear Asshole;
You haven't had a date in six years and have really only had one serious relationship in your entire life, yet you think you can judge other people's love lives? What is wrong with you, 'Pent?
--- David from Manchester, NH
You got us. You're right. But we have asked out ten or so women in the last two years and they've all said "no", so at least we're trying. The staff here have close to zero experience in making a relationship work, especially in the long term. The thing is, though, that you don't have to be a genius to see dysfunction in other people, you just need to be observant. When we're around couples, eavesdropping or just overhearing their conversation, and not one pleasant word is exchanged between the two we feel bad for them and start thinking about how awesome it is to spend time with our cat.
One thing we're sure of here at The 'Pent is that if you have ex's that you refer to as "bitches" or "creeps" then something is wrong WITH YOU. Healthy people attract healthy people and know how to say "no" to anyone unhealthy. Positive, engaged humans have radar that tells them who to trust and who to avoid. I think that we here in Apartment 404 have that radar, and are proud of it.
Dear Sir;
Can you tell us what you've been reading lately so that we know what to avoid during the Going Out of Business Sale at Border's?
--- Tea Party Loyalist Dan, South Portland
Fuck you and the Tea Party, Dan. But I'll answer your question. It's been a terrific summer here in Apt404 for reading, and here's a list of some of what we've enjoyed:
"Play Like You Mean It", Rex Ryan
"Endgame", Frank Brady
"Bossypants", Tina Fey
"Evel", Leigh Montville
"My Name Is Bill", Susan Cheever
"Woody Guthrie: A Life", Joe Klein
"Simple Times", Amy Sedaris
"Hellhound On His Trail", Hampton Sides
"American Prometheus", Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin
"Steinbrenner: The Last Lion of Baseball", Bill Madden
"The Ones Who Hit The Hardest", Chad Millman and Shawn Coyne
"Scorecasting", Tobias J. Moskowitz and L. Jon Wertheim
"The Lost Dogs", Jim Gorant
"Nothing Was The Same," Kay Redfield Jamison
"Branch Rickey", Jimmy Breslin
"The Extra 2%", Jonah Keri
"Campy" Neil Lanctot
"Bad Science", Ben Goldacre
"56", Kostya Kennedy
"War In A Time Of Peace", David Halberstam
"The Corrections", Jonathen Franzen
"Swing Your Sword", Mike Leach
"Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism", Katherine Ketcham and William F. Asbury
"The Essential Gude to Borderline Personality Disorder", Randi Kreger
We won't even try to list the magazines we read weekly/monthly: About 40 or so different ones.
Yeah, we know that's a long list. But to name one or two is to slight the rest. Onward.
Dear Pent Staff;
If you won Powerball and had tens of millions of dollars, what would you do with it?
Broke, Too in Saco
We don't buy lottery tickets, so that's not going to happen. The enjoyment we get out of playing is miniscule compared to the cost: A dollar for us is a fairly sizable percentage of our weekly budget. Seriously. The only people who can truly afford to play the lottery are the same ones who don't need to win. The rich. For the rest of the population one dollar or ten dollars or fifty dollars a week is too high a price to pay for the chance at winning. It's just basic math. A dollar to me is more important than it is to someone who lives in Cape Elizabeth so I need to be smarter about spending it.
Anyway, what would I do with the winnings? First, I'd pull an OJ. No, I wouldn't murder anyone, I'd put a bunch of the money into annuities. OJ is a smart dude (a killer, but a smart guy), as no one can touch his yearly annuity income. Certainly not the court system. He will receive hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for the rest of his life because he was smart about his money back in the day.
But that's for my own personal use. I'd have plans for the rest of the money. I'd give everyone in this building access to an air conditioner first off. Man, that's gotta suck to have no A/C on hot days. It's a health hazard as well. Hundreds if not thousands of old people in this country die every summer because their apartments get overheated.
Next, I'd set up a dental care program for folks in Cumberland County. The state of dental health in this area is atrocious, especially amongst the lower income people. It would take many millions to make an impact but I believe that would be a terrific thing for the overall health of Maine. Pie in the sky thinking, I know. But that's what I wouid do.
That's all for this month's Bag O' Mail.
====================
Dear Mr. Pent Man;
My girlfriend keeps checking out cute guys at the gym while we're lifting. How do I stop her from noticing other men?
--- Name withheld on request
First of all, working out with your girlfriend is gay. Really, it's fucking gay, dude. What's wrong with you? I think maybe it's cool to lift and do cardio with your wife, since married people have nothing better to do. But if you're NOT married, and you bring your babe to the gym....well, what did you expect? There's all these people like me there with nothing better to do with their time than work out and develop nice bodies, and you think your woman is NOT going to notice us? No chance. Just give up and get yourself a boyfriend. Loser.
Dear Apt404 Personnel;
Why do you play your car stereo so loud? It's damn annoying to other drivers.
--- Pissed off in Portland
Yeah, you're right. It is obnoxious of us. When we're driving around the city and not in the mood to listen to music it really yanks our chain when some asshole cranks it up in his truck or BMW or whatever. After thinking about it a bit there appears to be some fundamental law of society at work here that we have not yet completely figured out. It goes something like, "If I do it (or don't do it), it's awesomely cool. If you do it (or don't do it, as the case may be) it's obnoxious and wrong." This law, which we'll call The Law of Selective Selfishness, seems to apply to washing your hands after using a public restroom, refolding clothes after looking at them at Target, putting carts into the corrals at the supermarket parking lot, tail gaiting, speeding, playing music, not using your turn signal, driving with a broken brake light: Basically a lot of car stuff, mostly.
With that in mind we're still gonna listen to MJ at full blast (at least as loud as the speakers in our Corolla go), but feel guilty about it. Kind of a Jewish thing, though we're athiests.
Dear Asshole;
You haven't had a date in six years and have really only had one serious relationship in your entire life, yet you think you can judge other people's love lives? What is wrong with you, 'Pent?
--- David from Manchester, NH
You got us. You're right. But we have asked out ten or so women in the last two years and they've all said "no", so at least we're trying. The staff here have close to zero experience in making a relationship work, especially in the long term. The thing is, though, that you don't have to be a genius to see dysfunction in other people, you just need to be observant. When we're around couples, eavesdropping or just overhearing their conversation, and not one pleasant word is exchanged between the two we feel bad for them and start thinking about how awesome it is to spend time with our cat.
One thing we're sure of here at The 'Pent is that if you have ex's that you refer to as "bitches" or "creeps" then something is wrong WITH YOU. Healthy people attract healthy people and know how to say "no" to anyone unhealthy. Positive, engaged humans have radar that tells them who to trust and who to avoid. I think that we here in Apartment 404 have that radar, and are proud of it.
Dear Sir;
Can you tell us what you've been reading lately so that we know what to avoid during the Going Out of Business Sale at Border's?
--- Tea Party Loyalist Dan, South Portland
Fuck you and the Tea Party, Dan. But I'll answer your question. It's been a terrific summer here in Apt404 for reading, and here's a list of some of what we've enjoyed:
"Play Like You Mean It", Rex Ryan
"Endgame", Frank Brady
"Bossypants", Tina Fey
"Evel", Leigh Montville
"My Name Is Bill", Susan Cheever
"Woody Guthrie: A Life", Joe Klein
"Simple Times", Amy Sedaris
"Hellhound On His Trail", Hampton Sides
"American Prometheus", Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin
"Steinbrenner: The Last Lion of Baseball", Bill Madden
"The Ones Who Hit The Hardest", Chad Millman and Shawn Coyne
"Scorecasting", Tobias J. Moskowitz and L. Jon Wertheim
"The Lost Dogs", Jim Gorant
"Nothing Was The Same," Kay Redfield Jamison
"Branch Rickey", Jimmy Breslin
"The Extra 2%", Jonah Keri
"Campy" Neil Lanctot
"Bad Science", Ben Goldacre
"56", Kostya Kennedy
"War In A Time Of Peace", David Halberstam
"The Corrections", Jonathen Franzen
"Swing Your Sword", Mike Leach
"Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism", Katherine Ketcham and William F. Asbury
"The Essential Gude to Borderline Personality Disorder", Randi Kreger
We won't even try to list the magazines we read weekly/monthly: About 40 or so different ones.
Yeah, we know that's a long list. But to name one or two is to slight the rest. Onward.
Dear Pent Staff;
If you won Powerball and had tens of millions of dollars, what would you do with it?
Broke, Too in Saco
We don't buy lottery tickets, so that's not going to happen. The enjoyment we get out of playing is miniscule compared to the cost: A dollar for us is a fairly sizable percentage of our weekly budget. Seriously. The only people who can truly afford to play the lottery are the same ones who don't need to win. The rich. For the rest of the population one dollar or ten dollars or fifty dollars a week is too high a price to pay for the chance at winning. It's just basic math. A dollar to me is more important than it is to someone who lives in Cape Elizabeth so I need to be smarter about spending it.
Anyway, what would I do with the winnings? First, I'd pull an OJ. No, I wouldn't murder anyone, I'd put a bunch of the money into annuities. OJ is a smart dude (a killer, but a smart guy), as no one can touch his yearly annuity income. Certainly not the court system. He will receive hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for the rest of his life because he was smart about his money back in the day.
But that's for my own personal use. I'd have plans for the rest of the money. I'd give everyone in this building access to an air conditioner first off. Man, that's gotta suck to have no A/C on hot days. It's a health hazard as well. Hundreds if not thousands of old people in this country die every summer because their apartments get overheated.
Next, I'd set up a dental care program for folks in Cumberland County. The state of dental health in this area is atrocious, especially amongst the lower income people. It would take many millions to make an impact but I believe that would be a terrific thing for the overall health of Maine. Pie in the sky thinking, I know. But that's what I wouid do.
That's all for this month's Bag O' Mail.
posted by joe sweeney at 1:40 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home