The 'Pent Interviews Continue: Mr. Borat Sagdiyev
Apt404: Hello, Mr. Sagdiyev and welcome to Apartment 404. We're glad you could stop by and sit with us.
Borat: Yes....Hello....my name-a Borat.
Apt404: Uhuh. I know.
Borat: I make sexy time with your many blow up dolls?
Apt404: No...er...those are for our personal use only, Mr. Borat. Not to be touched, por favor.
Borat: "Por favor?" I do not know these words you speak. What strange language this, Mr. 'Pent?
Apt404: Let's try to stay focused, shall we, Borat?
Borat: This place small as my home back in Kazakhstan, where I live with my wife before the bad times they come.
Apt404: Yes, that's what we're here to talk about. The bad times. Now, your documentary about traveling from Kazakhstan to the United States premiered five years ago and made almost $300 million dollars gross. How is it that you went from Hollywood/Kazakh celebrity to residing here in the obscure city of Portland, Maine?
Borat: Ohhhhh. We need no speak of these times of badness, shall we? My-a head hurt already.
Apt404: You won't get a snack if you don't talk about how you lost the $300 million dollars.
Borat: OK....Yeah. So many bad things happen-a me. So many. Fame she so hard on poor Borat.
Apt404: You were the third richest man in the Kazakh Republic in 2008. And now you live downstairs from Apartment 404 here in the Loring House in relative anonymity.
Borat: You live Apartment 404 and I live-a in apartment 345. Yes, it true. Me feel shame. But still, many nice babies to have sexy time with here, no?
Apt 404: Not sure, Borat. We keep to ourselves up here. But really, I want to start the tale of your financial misfortunes with a discussion of your financing of the rebellion back in Kazakhstan. Do you think it was wise to invest $130 million in a Space Shuttle program for the rebels when the typical Kazak is illiterate, shoeless, and lives in a tarpaper shack?
Borat: I thought this Shuttle to Space would make Kazakh rebelllion win glorious glorious victory over the hated government forces. Agghh, I spit on them. I not know there were no Cosmonauts in my country. Or airports. Or jet fuel. Simple mistake I make. Anyone could have done.
Apt404: And your financing of the Kazakhstan Professional Women's Basketball League cost you another $25 million. Women aren't even allowed to drive or vote in your land and you thought women's basketball would be a good idea?
Borat: They make bouncy bouncy nice, ah? Deal too good to be-a true, I think. Many beautiful woman from US and A and Russia come to play in my country. We Kazakhs love the jiggly, love the smacka smacka dribble dribble.
Apt 404: And you spent another $40 million trying to get the Summer Olympics of 2024 to be played in your tiny nation. Kazakhstan has not only never won a medal in any Olympics, but you typically do not even send a team. Yet you financed an effort to get the biggest sporting event in the world located there. What was your thinking?
Borat: I listen to Azamat too much sometime. He tell me he want to lose weight and compete in the equestrain jump. He like to ride the horsey. Not so much twice, but first time fun for him. So I agree to bring Games of Olympic to my home. Not Borat fault that system corrupt.
Apt 404: But your country has no stadiums, no training facilities, and almost no roads. How could you think the Olympic Committee would award you the Games?
Borat: We spend many moneys on what Azamat call "nice greasing of the palms", but no good. Olympic men greedy, snotty, and all Jews. They take our money and vote for New York City, though no Jews there.
Apt 404: A third disasterous foray for you was the attempt to film a remake of an obscure 1994 American comedy, "Clifford".
Borat: "Clifford" greatest American film in all history. I watch this moviefilm many times through the years. Always cry at end.
Apt 404: The original starred Martin Short as a little boy, Charles Grodin as his mean uncle, and Mary Steenburgen as Grodin's love interest. YOU cast Ben Stiller, Robert DeNiro, and Britney Spears in those roles. Weird. And costly. That must have been one expensive shoot for the film which you called "Kliffordovitch." Filming was on location in the Akhola region in the northern part of your country, almost inaccessible by any means of transportation.
Borat: The reason we film "Kliffordovitch" in mountains is authenticity. Borat no make crap. Borat live for his art, so we not cut corners. Shoot in real world, like-a always.
Apt 404: Shit, Borat, you're starting to sound like a real asshole. I see how easy it was to blow through all that dough.
Borat: Thanks to you.
Apt 404: Due to Stiller's Jewishness the entire Arab world and most of Texas and Oklahoma banned your film. It was released in 1,500 theatres here in America in the summer of 2010 and grossed just $4 million in its first week, against your costs of $54 million. You lost $50 million on a Ben Stiller movie.
Borat: I not only one. Ben Stiller make-a many bad movies. Not shame for me.
Apt 404: Didn't you invest any money in a bank or investment house? It it all gone?
Borat: Me no-a trust banks. Trust Azamat and Luenell.
Apt 404: And how'd that work out for you?
Borat: Not too good for Borat. Luenell, she leave me for women's professional basketball player.
Apt 404: Alright Borat. I think that's enough for today. You'll be back, right? We have much more material to go over.
Borat: You give Borat much pleasure by reminding him of wonderful time in 2006, when he biggest star in Kazakhstan. And get to wrestle Pamela Anderson. Me miss her....where's Borat snack?
Borat: Yes....Hello....my name-a Borat.
Apt404: Uhuh. I know.
Borat: I make sexy time with your many blow up dolls?
Apt404: No...er...those are for our personal use only, Mr. Borat. Not to be touched, por favor.
Borat: "Por favor?" I do not know these words you speak. What strange language this, Mr. 'Pent?
Apt404: Let's try to stay focused, shall we, Borat?
Borat: This place small as my home back in Kazakhstan, where I live with my wife before the bad times they come.
Apt404: Yes, that's what we're here to talk about. The bad times. Now, your documentary about traveling from Kazakhstan to the United States premiered five years ago and made almost $300 million dollars gross. How is it that you went from Hollywood/Kazakh celebrity to residing here in the obscure city of Portland, Maine?
Borat: Ohhhhh. We need no speak of these times of badness, shall we? My-a head hurt already.
Apt404: You won't get a snack if you don't talk about how you lost the $300 million dollars.
Borat: OK....Yeah. So many bad things happen-a me. So many. Fame she so hard on poor Borat.
Apt404: You were the third richest man in the Kazakh Republic in 2008. And now you live downstairs from Apartment 404 here in the Loring House in relative anonymity.
Borat: You live Apartment 404 and I live-a in apartment 345. Yes, it true. Me feel shame. But still, many nice babies to have sexy time with here, no?
Apt 404: Not sure, Borat. We keep to ourselves up here. But really, I want to start the tale of your financial misfortunes with a discussion of your financing of the rebellion back in Kazakhstan. Do you think it was wise to invest $130 million in a Space Shuttle program for the rebels when the typical Kazak is illiterate, shoeless, and lives in a tarpaper shack?
Borat: I thought this Shuttle to Space would make Kazakh rebelllion win glorious glorious victory over the hated government forces. Agghh, I spit on them. I not know there were no Cosmonauts in my country. Or airports. Or jet fuel. Simple mistake I make. Anyone could have done.
Apt404: And your financing of the Kazakhstan Professional Women's Basketball League cost you another $25 million. Women aren't even allowed to drive or vote in your land and you thought women's basketball would be a good idea?
Borat: They make bouncy bouncy nice, ah? Deal too good to be-a true, I think. Many beautiful woman from US and A and Russia come to play in my country. We Kazakhs love the jiggly, love the smacka smacka dribble dribble.
Apt 404: And you spent another $40 million trying to get the Summer Olympics of 2024 to be played in your tiny nation. Kazakhstan has not only never won a medal in any Olympics, but you typically do not even send a team. Yet you financed an effort to get the biggest sporting event in the world located there. What was your thinking?
Borat: I listen to Azamat too much sometime. He tell me he want to lose weight and compete in the equestrain jump. He like to ride the horsey. Not so much twice, but first time fun for him. So I agree to bring Games of Olympic to my home. Not Borat fault that system corrupt.
Apt 404: But your country has no stadiums, no training facilities, and almost no roads. How could you think the Olympic Committee would award you the Games?
Borat: We spend many moneys on what Azamat call "nice greasing of the palms", but no good. Olympic men greedy, snotty, and all Jews. They take our money and vote for New York City, though no Jews there.
Apt 404: A third disasterous foray for you was the attempt to film a remake of an obscure 1994 American comedy, "Clifford".
Borat: "Clifford" greatest American film in all history. I watch this moviefilm many times through the years. Always cry at end.
Apt 404: The original starred Martin Short as a little boy, Charles Grodin as his mean uncle, and Mary Steenburgen as Grodin's love interest. YOU cast Ben Stiller, Robert DeNiro, and Britney Spears in those roles. Weird. And costly. That must have been one expensive shoot for the film which you called "Kliffordovitch." Filming was on location in the Akhola region in the northern part of your country, almost inaccessible by any means of transportation.
Borat: The reason we film "Kliffordovitch" in mountains is authenticity. Borat no make crap. Borat live for his art, so we not cut corners. Shoot in real world, like-a always.
Apt 404: Shit, Borat, you're starting to sound like a real asshole. I see how easy it was to blow through all that dough.
Borat: Thanks to you.
Apt 404: Due to Stiller's Jewishness the entire Arab world and most of Texas and Oklahoma banned your film. It was released in 1,500 theatres here in America in the summer of 2010 and grossed just $4 million in its first week, against your costs of $54 million. You lost $50 million on a Ben Stiller movie.
Borat: I not only one. Ben Stiller make-a many bad movies. Not shame for me.
Apt 404: Didn't you invest any money in a bank or investment house? It it all gone?
Borat: Me no-a trust banks. Trust Azamat and Luenell.
Apt 404: And how'd that work out for you?
Borat: Not too good for Borat. Luenell, she leave me for women's professional basketball player.
Apt 404: Alright Borat. I think that's enough for today. You'll be back, right? We have much more material to go over.
Borat: You give Borat much pleasure by reminding him of wonderful time in 2006, when he biggest star in Kazakhstan. And get to wrestle Pamela Anderson. Me miss her....where's Borat snack?
posted by joe sweeney at 10:09 PM
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