How To Act Like A Normal Man
1) When you see an attractive woman across the room, tell your buddies, "I'd do that. She's got great tits." When that woman walks across the room and crosses your path without saying anything to you, say, just loud enough for her and your buddies to hear, "Bitch. Fuck her." Women apparently are turned on by this manly behavior, from what we hear.
2) When ordering food at a restaurant, never make eye contact with the server. Remember that they are there to serve you and are not considered human in any way. Tip 10% at most. Attempt to make the server feel less than you when you speak to them, even though they are usually very much younger, thinner, and more attractive than you are.
3) When talking with buddies, use as much profanity as possible. Use of the phrases, "She's a dyke.", "He's an asshole, bigtime.", "Fuck them mutherfuckers." should be sprinkled in often in order to prove your manhood. Describing others as "gay" is a good trick to move the focus off your own gayness.
4) If married, make sure the woman knows her place. First off, she had better have taken your last name, or you're not a real man. Next, SHE does the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning of dishes every single night EXCEPT when you break out the grill and serve up some tasty hot dogs and hamburgers. Even if all you do is play video games all day and all night the woman has to know her place in the natural order of society. Man is on top and woman is on bottom. Things just work better that way. Don't ever let her think she is smarter than you. If your wife makes more money than you, physcially intimidate her so she knows her true place. That's how real men operate. Never say a nice thing to your wife or she'll expect you to do it all the time (very unmanly).
5) Television watching: Watch great, hilarious shows like "Two and a Half Men" as often as they can be seen. You can't get more manly than watching Charlie Sheen describe how he's hung over (again). Comedy gold!
6) Music: The more curse words and descriptions of spousal abuse and violence the better the music. Leave The Commodores and Seals and Crofts to the panty waists and losers of the world. Stay hardcore, men!
7) Raising Children: Let them know who's boss. Don't be afraid to slap them around once in a while (or even once a day! heh heh). They'll get over it eventually. Constantly correct their bad behaviors. Make sure they know that men are the number one species on the planet according to the Holy Bible. Make sure they know that you bring home the bacon and provide their food and shelter (even if it's really your wife who does that). Be tough. Don't forget to swear at them a lot, them curse them out if they ever talk back or use the same swear you use every day. Children are to be seen and abused, not heard!
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That's just a few points I've learned on how to be a real man. None of this chicken shit, touchy feely, being decent to your fellow humans. Fuck em all and let the Good Lord sort out the casualties. Be a man!
2) When ordering food at a restaurant, never make eye contact with the server. Remember that they are there to serve you and are not considered human in any way. Tip 10% at most. Attempt to make the server feel less than you when you speak to them, even though they are usually very much younger, thinner, and more attractive than you are.
3) When talking with buddies, use as much profanity as possible. Use of the phrases, "She's a dyke.", "He's an asshole, bigtime.", "Fuck them mutherfuckers." should be sprinkled in often in order to prove your manhood. Describing others as "gay" is a good trick to move the focus off your own gayness.
4) If married, make sure the woman knows her place. First off, she had better have taken your last name, or you're not a real man. Next, SHE does the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning of dishes every single night EXCEPT when you break out the grill and serve up some tasty hot dogs and hamburgers. Even if all you do is play video games all day and all night the woman has to know her place in the natural order of society. Man is on top and woman is on bottom. Things just work better that way. Don't ever let her think she is smarter than you. If your wife makes more money than you, physcially intimidate her so she knows her true place. That's how real men operate. Never say a nice thing to your wife or she'll expect you to do it all the time (very unmanly).
5) Television watching: Watch great, hilarious shows like "Two and a Half Men" as often as they can be seen. You can't get more manly than watching Charlie Sheen describe how he's hung over (again). Comedy gold!
6) Music: The more curse words and descriptions of spousal abuse and violence the better the music. Leave The Commodores and Seals and Crofts to the panty waists and losers of the world. Stay hardcore, men!
7) Raising Children: Let them know who's boss. Don't be afraid to slap them around once in a while (or even once a day! heh heh). They'll get over it eventually. Constantly correct their bad behaviors. Make sure they know that men are the number one species on the planet according to the Holy Bible. Make sure they know that you bring home the bacon and provide their food and shelter (even if it's really your wife who does that). Be tough. Don't forget to swear at them a lot, them curse them out if they ever talk back or use the same swear you use every day. Children are to be seen and abused, not heard!
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That's just a few points I've learned on how to be a real man. None of this chicken shit, touchy feely, being decent to your fellow humans. Fuck em all and let the Good Lord sort out the casualties. Be a man!
posted by joe sweeney at 8:26 AM
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