We Didn't Start the Fire: An exclusive interview with Big Hat Guy and Bald Head Ed
Hankszabo: Hi there dear readers, and hello to two fellas known to many in southern maine, Big Hat Guy and Bald Head Ed. Thanks for making the trip to Apartment404. Hope the walk up those steps didn't wind you too much. Jeez, Ed, you look like you broke quite the sweat. Anyway, let's get right to i...
Bald Head Ed: Ok, first off Mr. Szabo, sorry to interrupt but let's get one thing straight. I am not bald. You know it and I know it.
HS: Hair weave or implants, Ed?
BHE: What? You some kinda smart guy?
HS: Weave job, right?
BHE: I won't tolerate this stuff. I told you before the interview we would not discuss my hair! I'll walk outta here right now, mister....all right, how the hell do you get out of here? Where's the damn front door at?
HS: Then it's implants?
BHE: Yeah...I mean..no. It's a weave.
HS: Now that we have that settled, let's get to the nitty gritty. And I want to thank Big Hat Guy for taking time out of his busy schedule to appear here in Apartment404. Good to see ya, Hat Guy!
Big Hat Guy: Thanks, hank. It's quite the luxurious place you have here. Wow. Is that a stripper pole? Can I try?
HS: Can we just get to the questions? First one: How did you two get interested in law enforcement. Let's give this one to Bald Head Ed.
BHE: Well, actually Hank I was fascinated by fire trucks as a kid. Just loved 'em! Would chase after the durn things whenever they would shoot on by my parent's home, making that siren sound. But as I got older, I found out that fireman do not carry weapons and do not get to indiscriminately beat up poor folks and drunk people. That was it for me. I decided to become a cop and never looked back.
HS: And you, Big Hat Guy?
BHG: I like Big Hats!
HS: That's nice. And for our readers who may someday want to become police officers, what do you two think is the best way to become a local cop?
BHG and BHE (simultaneously): Flunk the State Police Exam!
HS: Election time is coming up rapidly. And we're pretty concerned here at Apartment404 about the threat of terrorism in the state of Maine. What are you two guys doing specifically to keep our fine state safe from evildoers? You first, Big Hat Guy.
BHG: Along with buying fewer oversized hats, we in the department are installing spy cameras throughout the city. Wherever evildoers do evil, we will find them and hunt them down. Especially jaywalking teenagers at that disgrace of a high school, Portland High. They are very high on my list of evildoers. Also, I'm trying to reduce my TiVo time. That'll show the fuckers.
BHE: Down in the southwest part of Maine, we have a lot of potential evildoers to contend with. I personally have performed body cavity searches on dozens upon dozens of these evildoers at the local woman's lockup. They may try hard to hide their evildoing materials, but there's no place these hands can't reach.
HS: Whew. Little too much info, Ed. Continuing. A lot of towns have adopted various marketing campaigns to attract potential homebuyers, and some particular departments have even chosen their own slogans. Have you two guys made any efforts in this area?
BHG: That is a great question, Hank! And yes, we have a slogan that we will roll out in 2007. It's "Portland Police: Because We Can!" Catchy, huh?
HS: And you, Bald Head Ed?
BHE: Now, we may not have the funding to come up with a catch phrase that rolls off the tongue as easily as "Because We Can", but we are working on something I think that young and old alike can get behind. It's "The Patriot Act: Just Try It, Mister!" Good, huh? Cost us $25,000 in marketing fees and massages.
HS: All righty then. Moving on. I've heard that a cop has to literally fail an IQ test to be considered for the force. Is this true, guys?
BHE: No! Definitely not, Hank. No, what you're thinking of is the Ceiling Score that a potential candidate must not exceed to have a chance to join our elite crime fighting unit. It's not failing. It's getting a score lower than the Ceiling Score. Do you understand or shall I explain it again?
HS: Nope. Got it, Ed. Something that we get a lot of e-mails about is, what is the best way to beat the crap out of a perp without leaving any marks or bruises?
BHG: (chuckling) Well Hank, without giving away any trade secrets, I'll fill you in on what I can. Now, everybody knows that bags of oranges are passe ever since "The Grifters" came out about 15 years ago. Right after that film's release, police departments all over the country realized that they had to find a new way of roughing up criminals. For my money, you can't go wrong with the groin area. Now, I'm not saying that you should explode a testicle, because right there you're looking at a potential lawsuit. But if a cop knows what they're doing, and with enough duct tape to keep the scumbag perp from screaming loud enough for the neighbors to hear, a lot can be accomplished in the internal injury department.
HS: Guys, time is running short for tonight. I do want to ask each of you a question that many young folks wonder about. Boxers or briefs?
BHG: For most of the year, I wear flannel longjohns. Except in the summer, since they clash with the white socks and black dress shoes I wear around the house on those hot July afternoons.
BHE: I'm a bikini man, Hank.
HS: There is one thing I'm kind of reluctant to ask you two. It concerns a neighbor of ours. This weird guy next door in Apartment405, he claims that we've got some kind of secret peephole window into his home. But you guys know as well as I do that that would be illegal. Is there any way to reassure this wack job that we don't count how many times he masturbates in a 24 hour period, though it's probably quite a few?
BHG: Well, if you want, Hank, I can stop by the guy's place on my way out and reassure him. He must be right down the hall, huh? I'll make a mental not of it..... OK, done.
HS: That's comforting, Hat Guy. Well thanks for coming by, and we have time for just one additional question. It's really not related to police business, but I'll ask it anyway: If you guys had unlimited funds and could purchase any car, any make at all, what would you buy?
BHG: That's easy. A Miata.
BHE: Yeah, me too. A red one. Most definitely.
HS: Cool. That's all the time we have. Thanks for showing up, fellas. My assistant will show you to the door. Feel free to take some complementary Apartment404 hats, t-shirts, and matchbooks for your families. Bye for now, Apartment404 readers, and have a great weekend.
Bald Head Ed: Ok, first off Mr. Szabo, sorry to interrupt but let's get one thing straight. I am not bald. You know it and I know it.
HS: Hair weave or implants, Ed?
BHE: What? You some kinda smart guy?
HS: Weave job, right?
BHE: I won't tolerate this stuff. I told you before the interview we would not discuss my hair! I'll walk outta here right now, mister....all right, how the hell do you get out of here? Where's the damn front door at?
HS: Then it's implants?
BHE: Yeah...I mean..no. It's a weave.
HS: Now that we have that settled, let's get to the nitty gritty. And I want to thank Big Hat Guy for taking time out of his busy schedule to appear here in Apartment404. Good to see ya, Hat Guy!
Big Hat Guy: Thanks, hank. It's quite the luxurious place you have here. Wow. Is that a stripper pole? Can I try?
HS: Can we just get to the questions? First one: How did you two get interested in law enforcement. Let's give this one to Bald Head Ed.
BHE: Well, actually Hank I was fascinated by fire trucks as a kid. Just loved 'em! Would chase after the durn things whenever they would shoot on by my parent's home, making that siren sound. But as I got older, I found out that fireman do not carry weapons and do not get to indiscriminately beat up poor folks and drunk people. That was it for me. I decided to become a cop and never looked back.
HS: And you, Big Hat Guy?
BHG: I like Big Hats!
HS: That's nice. And for our readers who may someday want to become police officers, what do you two think is the best way to become a local cop?
BHG and BHE (simultaneously): Flunk the State Police Exam!
HS: Election time is coming up rapidly. And we're pretty concerned here at Apartment404 about the threat of terrorism in the state of Maine. What are you two guys doing specifically to keep our fine state safe from evildoers? You first, Big Hat Guy.
BHG: Along with buying fewer oversized hats, we in the department are installing spy cameras throughout the city. Wherever evildoers do evil, we will find them and hunt them down. Especially jaywalking teenagers at that disgrace of a high school, Portland High. They are very high on my list of evildoers. Also, I'm trying to reduce my TiVo time. That'll show the fuckers.
BHE: Down in the southwest part of Maine, we have a lot of potential evildoers to contend with. I personally have performed body cavity searches on dozens upon dozens of these evildoers at the local woman's lockup. They may try hard to hide their evildoing materials, but there's no place these hands can't reach.
HS: Whew. Little too much info, Ed. Continuing. A lot of towns have adopted various marketing campaigns to attract potential homebuyers, and some particular departments have even chosen their own slogans. Have you two guys made any efforts in this area?
BHG: That is a great question, Hank! And yes, we have a slogan that we will roll out in 2007. It's "Portland Police: Because We Can!" Catchy, huh?
HS: And you, Bald Head Ed?
BHE: Now, we may not have the funding to come up with a catch phrase that rolls off the tongue as easily as "Because We Can", but we are working on something I think that young and old alike can get behind. It's "The Patriot Act: Just Try It, Mister!" Good, huh? Cost us $25,000 in marketing fees and massages.
HS: All righty then. Moving on. I've heard that a cop has to literally fail an IQ test to be considered for the force. Is this true, guys?
BHE: No! Definitely not, Hank. No, what you're thinking of is the Ceiling Score that a potential candidate must not exceed to have a chance to join our elite crime fighting unit. It's not failing. It's getting a score lower than the Ceiling Score. Do you understand or shall I explain it again?
HS: Nope. Got it, Ed. Something that we get a lot of e-mails about is, what is the best way to beat the crap out of a perp without leaving any marks or bruises?
BHG: (chuckling) Well Hank, without giving away any trade secrets, I'll fill you in on what I can. Now, everybody knows that bags of oranges are passe ever since "The Grifters" came out about 15 years ago. Right after that film's release, police departments all over the country realized that they had to find a new way of roughing up criminals. For my money, you can't go wrong with the groin area. Now, I'm not saying that you should explode a testicle, because right there you're looking at a potential lawsuit. But if a cop knows what they're doing, and with enough duct tape to keep the scumbag perp from screaming loud enough for the neighbors to hear, a lot can be accomplished in the internal injury department.
HS: Guys, time is running short for tonight. I do want to ask each of you a question that many young folks wonder about. Boxers or briefs?
BHG: For most of the year, I wear flannel longjohns. Except in the summer, since they clash with the white socks and black dress shoes I wear around the house on those hot July afternoons.
BHE: I'm a bikini man, Hank.
HS: There is one thing I'm kind of reluctant to ask you two. It concerns a neighbor of ours. This weird guy next door in Apartment405, he claims that we've got some kind of secret peephole window into his home. But you guys know as well as I do that that would be illegal. Is there any way to reassure this wack job that we don't count how many times he masturbates in a 24 hour period, though it's probably quite a few?
BHG: Well, if you want, Hank, I can stop by the guy's place on my way out and reassure him. He must be right down the hall, huh? I'll make a mental not of it..... OK, done.
HS: That's comforting, Hat Guy. Well thanks for coming by, and we have time for just one additional question. It's really not related to police business, but I'll ask it anyway: If you guys had unlimited funds and could purchase any car, any make at all, what would you buy?
BHG: That's easy. A Miata.
BHE: Yeah, me too. A red one. Most definitely.
HS: Cool. That's all the time we have. Thanks for showing up, fellas. My assistant will show you to the door. Feel free to take some complementary Apartment404 hats, t-shirts, and matchbooks for your families. Bye for now, Apartment404 readers, and have a great weekend.
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