To Own My Share

When I hear about a little boy dying needlessly
I ask, "What kind of world do I live in?"
Why is there such cruelty?
Such depravity?
Such hatred?

I catch myself
And realize that

In the last week or so
I have needlessly contributed to the anger and venom
On this planet
And cannot point the finger at others
Because I am the one making the world a scary place
In my own way

This is MY responsibility
MY writings have lashed out at innocents
My thoughts have been filled with
Anger and paranoia and confusion
I own this
I did this

The world is a worse place
Because I have made it so
I cannot blame some unfortunate woman
Caught by the police in Mass. yesterday
It is me that has been doing the damage

I own a piece of the current carnage
Explanations and reasons abound
But still
I have regrets

=========

Having two safe places to go yesterday
Is what opened my eyes
And brought me back
Outside the awful, hateful place I have been in
My pdoc's office, with him assuring me
That the people there, including him,
Will help me through this
And I believe him

And my home group, in the program, last night
Where I searched the faces for looks of disgust
And found nothing but normality
The usual friendliness
My paranoia met their acceptance
Because
They know me and want the best for me
As they want all the members to have peace of mind

Today is a new day, a chance to make right
By just being