dreamstate continued

i have done some crazy things that when i was doing them made perfect sense. i have scared some folks pretty bad due to my delusions, but i meant no harm to them at all and feel terribly that i scared anyone.

where to begin....

i don't know where to start. it's all such a jumble of remembrances and delusioinal dreams that run together and make it tough to separate fact from my sick head.

dreamstate

that is what it's lke to suffer with schizophrenia. living in a perpetual state of dreaming. i know. i have schizophrenia as well as depression. the technical term is schizo-affective disorder, but really it's just a double dose of crap. terrible terrible is what it is.

i spent a year and a half in a perpetual state of dreaming. i would hear voices coming from out of the sprinkler heads in my apartment and assume that i was being watched 24/7. also, since i could hear voices i had to assume that there were also cameras in the sprinkler heads as well. of course. makes perfect sense. if you hear folks talking about you, then there must be cameras in here somewhere showing them what i was up to. i was absolutely insane for about a year and a half with these delusions. and the gradual, not sudden but gradual, realization that there were no cameras and no microphones would come slowly and painfully. i read a book called "the day the voices stopped" about a man with similar schizophrenic experiences to mine, but in my case i was taking medicine the entire time i was suffereing delusions and there would be no great "Day" when the voices stopped.

i had to test things out. talk to the sprinklers and make sure that no one was there. it's hard to explain how this worked, just know that what i went through was pure hell on earth.

.......