You

Children
In the dark
It is gone
Thanks to you
And your touch

They heal
In time
You never do...

Obsure Baseball MVPs

Curis Granderson has a chance to be the second most obscure AL MVP in history, next to Zoilo Versalles of the 1965 Minnesota Twins.

The Twins lost the World Series that year.

Good luck, Granny...

C.C. Sabathia is Killing Baseball

It's 9:36 pm here at The 'Pent, and the Yankees and Red Sox are in the bottom of the 6th inning. Brutal to watch for this baseball fan.

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Did you know that the late Dock Ellis took only two hours and thirteen minutes to throw a no hitter on LSD in 1970? The Yankees and Red Sox are all playing like they're on LSD tonight. The bad stuff.

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It's games like this that are making the country breathless for Saturday afternoon and the kickoff of college football.

Our Power, Our Lives

We, you and me, aren't strong enough
To blow up the planet Earth
Only ourselves

We cannot kill off all life
On this rock
Only humanity and all the animals

The Earth will go on until
God decides enough is enough:
When the Sun runs out of gas
The universe will cease
To exist

We have no say
In when that will happen
Until then we should all rightfully TCB

I'll do my share

High School

I remember
Back at Milford High
Buying a silver necklace and
Wearing it proudly to class the next day
The guy sitting in front of me in science class
Used to talk at me like I was retarded
He got a kick out of being cruel to me
That day he turned around
Leaned forward
And ripped off my jewelry with his right fist
Then laughed

Where is he today?

I remember those days
Easily

Tonight

I don't say things lightly
That's powerful

=========

( Where is God in all this? )

=========

Keeping open is so important
Look down
Look up
And behind

This feels good
But....
Danger lurks

Still

You aren't alone anymore

Not Blind

I don't like being there
I don't like going there
What must it be like to live there?

I do know that there is hope
Two months or two years from now
All can be different
Not really circumstancially
But mentally

A better place is possible
In this world
Of horrors

==========

What is "sexy"?
Is it first glance?
One year?
A healthy and parental feeling?
A non-healthy controlling urge?

I wish I WAS healthy
Only cared about sick women
Who can't love back

But I know that awareness is better than not
Though there is not enough time left
For all of it

Boston Globe Article By Bob Hohler Today

Here

============

People believe in heaven and hell, but when I ask them specifically what those places would be like, they say, "I don't know."

To me, a lot of our beliefs and opinions get exploded in the specifics. You believe in angels? What does an angel look like? How do they fly around the world? What do they eat? Don't tell me "I just know."

How awful a crime do you think the sexual abuse of a child is? How large an offense is it? Specifically, what is done to these kids during the abuse itself and whatever happens in the enticing and trapping, and how do you feel about it? Don't tell me it's too awful to think about it. It happens every minute of every day of every week to people you know.

============

SPECIFICALLY, can you imagine a 30 something year old man kissing a child of ten years old, or younger? Sucking on her tongue? Touching her breasts with his much larger hands and fingers? Touching her on her vagina and rubbing her, and she may even be aroused for reasons she can't understand? SPECIFICALLY can you imagine what type of person does things like this, and how much depravity a human being would have to have inside of them to stick their penis inside the vagina of a ten year old girl, thrust back and forth for a minute or two, and ejaculate? Can you imagine that? I cannot imagine any scenario where I would do that to another human being, but it must be considered because it IS done to children every day. I am not capable of that kind of selfish cruelty to another human being, but that doesn't mean it doesn't need to be thought about. If it can be thought, it can be done. And is.

SPECIFICALLY IMAGINE THE MECHANICS OF A MAN "MAKING LOVE" TO A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL and tell me what should be done about this type of situation?

=============

These women (and boys, too) who suffer from sexual predators have had the very best thing in life turned into a painful, secret, and shameful ordeal. Most of these women, and I've known a couple in my time, cannot even kiss a man the right way. They may be beautiful and desirable, but they kiss like dead fish. With reason.

=============

Mike Flanagan

Mike Flanagan blew his brains out Wednesday

Killed himself with a shotgun

Put the barrel in his mouth

And pulled the trigger quick


What must he have been going through?

What kind of pain was he in

To take his own life?


The crafty lefthander was funny

But so very sad looking

Always too smart for his own good

He must've felt the burden of self awareness

And of having a very quick mind


Being three steps ahead of hitters

Served him well on the mound

But off the field he bounced around

Never recapturing the glory

Of pitching for the great Oriole teams of the 70s and early 80s


To be an athlete is a curse

My Football Movie Idea

It's called "The Price."

==============

Scene: Camera in a tight shot on long, bony, bent beyond belief black fingers that belong to an "old before his time" black man in his 60s. The man is talking about his experiences playing in the National Football League in the 1960s and 1970s.

"You ever get cheered by 70,000 people? It's a rush, man. We were brothers out there. Warriors. No, I don't regret a minute of it. Not one minute, not one play, never."

==============

My new movie idea is a mashup of two fairly recent sports biographies, "Namath" by Mark Kreigel, and "Johnny U" by Tom Callahan. Both are fantastic reads that fairly drip with drama and emotion. Johnny Unitas is dead and Joe Namath is so iconic as to be unfilmable straight up. But can a fictional drama be made of some combination of their lives that would represent, with honor, humor, and integrity, the warriors that play professional football in this country?

I think it can. In fact, I'm certain that a great, great movie can be made about the subject. "The Blind Side" and "The Help" are recent hits with somewhat similar subject matter. And what's more, we as a nation owe the men who serviced our national obsession during the prime years of their lives and paid, and are continuing to pay, the price for their careers with ill health and financial headaches. Earl Campbell and John Mackey and Dave Duerson and Lawrence Taylor and Alan fucking Page paid a big price for what they did, and what's more, it's very cinematic.

Ken Burns "Baseball" film did quite a bit of good for retired Negro League players twenty or so years ago. I believe a film like this could be of similar value, with the difference being that most of the black baseball players were dead or close to it when "Baseball" came out in 1994. There are hundreds (thousands?) of large men in need of care and dollars and someone to listen to their stories.

==============

Interesting?

What Is The Point?

--- W.I.T.P. of life without passion and mistakes?

What is your life's passion? What mistakes did you make today that can be learned from?


--- W.I.T.P of power if it's abused?

Hurting others sucks.


--- W.I.T.P. of having friends if you know all they do is take from you?

Apt404 has no friends.


--- W.I.T.P. of worrying about what others might think?

We just painted our toenails.


--- W.I.T.P. of asking someone how their day is going if you don't want to hear any answer other than "Fine"?

Don't ask Apt404 how our day was if you don't have two minutes to listen.


--- W.I.T.P. of calling someone "Sir" or "Maam" if you can't stand them?

I see you.


--- W.I.T.P. of plastic surgery?

Looks good/great for a few years, then like death.


--- W.I.T.P. of a woman claiming to be 39 when she's 45?

You look like shit, bitch.


--- W.I.T.P. of being nice?

Because it is its own reward.


--- W.I.T.P. of doing anything that you're completely ashamed of?

People are almost never trapped in their lives. Unless you were born in Northern Sudan.


--- W.I.T.P. Rick Perry?


--- W.I.T.P. of being in a relationship if you can't stand each other?

My Mom and Dad.


--- W.I.T.P. of writing a book that is an embarrassment?

Tom Davis' "Thirty Nine Years of Short Term Memory Loss."


--- W.I.T.P. of one and a half beers?

I'm a recovering alcoholic, bro.

Terrelle Pryor

NFL quarterbacks are leaders of men, like Kurt Warner and Peyton Manning. They are not just football players coming to work. They ARE the team. You wanna play QB at the highest level? You gotta be the hardest worker, treat the secretaries good, and listen every day.

Terrelle Pryor needs the NFL. The NFL no need Terrelle Pryor. Life goes on without you, and me, and everyone else. There's no special allowance made in heaven for star football players. You don't get an extra 40 years of life on this planet because you were good at sports, or beautiful, or whatever.

Make the most of this chance. Be humble. LISTEN. Ohio State could have gone 31-4 with Kirk Herbstreit, today, quarterbacking, dude. Don't think you're better than the game because the game will eat you alive if you do.

==========

Micheal Vick was a successful NFL QB and the highest paid player in the league when he got nabbed in the dogfighting caper. As soon (AS SOON) as his fucking NFL paychecks stopped coming he declared bankruptcy. You want that? Is that the life you want for yourself and whatever children you may have or will have?

That's even assuming you become a starter, which is far from a given.

==========

Quick financial advice: Don't try to turn a million dollars into ten million dollars. Turn it into a million and a half.
==========

Grinders are better off than shooting stars. Be a grinder every day.

The Great Fatwa of 1432 AH

Transcript of email sent to David Letterman , 8/22/11 8:32am EST, and forwarded to CIA --

===============================


Dear Mr. Evil American Talk Show Host David Letterman;

We will kill you, Jewish American swine! Let this email serve to announce The Great Fatwa of 1432 AH. The time of punishment and Allah's mighty justice is upon you.

The armies of Islam are on the march, ready to spill Semetic blood on the very soil of New York City which you call home, you callous, antiquated, short haired, non-bearded Jewish scum. Do you know that we can reach out past the shores of America at will, silencing your words at a time of our choosing? Be prepared to die, Mr. Funny Man, as that day is surely here.

We will silence you and your tiny Canadian singer of American pop songs, Paul Shaffer, and the red headed bastard child, Alan Kalter, at a time and place of our choosing. It will come both soon and swiftly, and you will not be given the blessing of hearing our swinging swords prior to your beheadings.

Your infidel nation will soon come to an end, and an Islamic world where men in thawbs, long manly beards, and many goats rule the land of Allah will live for a thousand and one years. Our women are more virginal, our cities safer, and our peasant class much more servile than anything to be found in America, and we shall dominate the land of our ancestors forever.

Your comedy show sickens us, and, further, Arab comedy is much, much funnier. The very best Arab television programs are "Goat Head Soccer Wives", "Slumdog Superstar" and "Islam 2NITE". Our comedy writers are pure of heart, and have many more wives than yours.

Your Jewish country features nothing we desire. Among the reasons that our Islamic homeland is better than America: Your nearest neighbor is Canada. Ours is Israel. Much easier to jihad. There are no black people in the Islamic world, and thus less crime and illliteracy. Fewer earthquakes and no hurricanes here: only the occasional ten year sand storm and locust plague. Our lands are gloriously dirt and crime free.

Jewboy, The Great Fatwa of 1432 AH will now describe exactly what we are going to do to you within two weeks: We will first cut out your tongue, slice it into 200 pieces, and feed it to our camel herd for breakfast. They will surely enjoy the succulent taste of American flesh. Next we will cut off your four limbs with khobz knives, and serve them to our wives for lunch with mutabbaq and camel milk. Your torso will be made into kabsa, to be served to our children during dinnertime along with lamb's bread. Your vile American infidel skull will be used to play soccer with for four days, after which we will grind your brains into fine knafeh and qatayef paste and serve them on bread with a platter of Gashaata confection. We will feast on your flesh for three weeks.

Know that we are coming and be fearful, as your Jewish overlords will not save you from the steely wrath of Allah.


Best,

The Great Fatwa of 1432 AH staff

cc
evil warlord Les Moonves
Carol Liefer, Zionist American "comedy" writer & future wife to Aaban Fakhoury, great prince of The Great Fatwa of 1432
American "funnyman" Jay Leno, who will be our next fatwa

Coach Pat Summitt

Coach Summitt, head coach of women's basketball at the University of Tennessee for the entirety of the program, winner of over one thousand games, and one of the best coaches of any sport in the history of America, has been diagnosed with early on set dementia at the age of 59. Word in the media is that she plans on continuing to coach at UT.

It is time for her superiors at the university to man up. Coach Summitt is sick and needs to spend the remaining years of her life with her son and the rest of her family. I see ugly things happening this season should she be allowed to coach. Woody Hayes type things.

Her legacy as one of the great winners in sport should not be tarnished.

NFL Preseason Hickups

Does anyone else see what I've been seeing on the NFL Preseason games thus far?

The two major rule changes are simply not working.

Kickoffs are not being returned, and it is boring. The last thing the NFL wants to be is boring.

And reviewing each touchdown is killing the fan/viewing experience. It's boring to wait for a ruling.

Answers? Move the kickoff line back to normal and stop reviewing every fucking touchdown. Simple.

What The World Says To You

Inspired by the first hour of "The New Jim Crow"

============

"You are three fifths of a man

It says so in the Constitution

You are less than me

I'll impregnate your women

And make you disappear

You don't belong in this world

I am civilization

And you are the jungle

I will eliminate all of you

Someday"

Tim Wakefield...

...was a minor league 1st baseman who couldn't hit professional pitching. He screwed around with a knuckleball for kicks.

And he turned that one pitch into 199 major league victories thus far. Thas' not too bad. The wait for 200 has been tough to watch, and a bit painful. But he's got a job to do. Grinders win pennants. Grinders have long careers. Wake is a grinder, always has been.

It could be worse for Wake. He could be in Philly...

...That towns sucks ass sportswise. The Phillies could win about five World Series in a row and still be the losingest professional sports team the world has ever seen. Seriously. The 76ers? The Eagles? The fucking Flyers? It could be a lot worse for Wake and for Boston sports fans.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm sure to have lunch.

Did You Know? -- Beatles Lyrics

The Beatles music speaks for itself. Sometimes too loudly.

=============

Partial Lyrics from "Getting Better":

"I used to be cruel to my woman
I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved"

=============

Partial Lyrics from "Happiness Is A Warm Gun":

"She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh yeah
She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window panel...

I need a fix 'cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix cause I'm going down
Mother Superior jumped the gun...

Happiness (is a warm gun)
Bang Bang Shoot Shoot
Happiness (is a warm gun, momma)
Bang Bang Shoot Shoot..."

=============

Ever wonder where rappers got their honesty from?

"The Help"

(Spoiler alert: Please see the movie before you read this post. It's really good.)

===========
===========

--- I saw the film Wednesday afternoon. How dare Hollywood market this as just another shitty romantic comedy. It's the frontrunner for Best Picture (Malick won’t win for "The Tree of Life", I don’t think).

And the tepid reviews in the papers and online for "The Help"? Crap.

I'd give "The Help" a B+/A-.

--- Bryce Dallas Howard plays the villainess, and was so brave and wonderful. She might get pigeonholed into certain future roles, and she can forget about being the next Julia Roberts after this role, but Howard is almost 30, so having a career is better than not being up on screen at all. She was brilliant and I think eventually people will watch the movie just to remember how divinely evil she was. She never once winked at the camera, thankfully. I expect that a Best Supporting nomination is a certainty, and a win very possible.

--- I read in one of the magazines recently of some actress complaining that Hollywood agents talk about who’s fuckable and who's not, as if that was something unusual and awful. Man, that’s how everybody talks. Not just agents. All men. Women too. Brad Pitt is very fuckable. So are most if not all stars of both genders. It's part of the gig, toots. Actresses like Bryce Dallas Howard and Emma Stone and Jessica Chastain have to deal with that type of thinking, as we all do.

--- A little editing out of Jessica Chastain’s story line would have helped. What was the point of that?

--- Emma Stone is now a woman, a woman who can carry a truly great movie. Many more adult parts are sure to follow.

--- I can’t believe that this is Tate Taylor’s (very Southern name “Tate Taylor”) first attempt directing a major film. What a magnificent job he does here. He's very giving to the actors, allowed them freedom to create. This is an actor’s movie, with great parts for a bunch of women. I think director Taylor should have made MORE clear that all the women were playing with their lives. That is NOT made clear enough. The assassination footage of Medgar Evers does not seem to involve the women's dangerous situation enough, at least in my mind. Maybe a death threat from some redneck to Skeeter or one of the maids would have worked. There was funny stuff halfway through that really served the film by cutting the tension.

--- Viola Davis needs to prove she has a sense of humor so she doesn’t get pigeonholed into "angry middle aged black woman" parts every time out (Davis' Oscar nominated scene from "Doubt" was as powerful a ten minutes of film as I’ve ever seen. It gives me goose bumps to think of it.). Octavia Spenser was sensational. What a great look she had in this one.

===========

The marketing of this wonderful movie as a harmless, flighty comedy is racist, flat out. The studios did not trust people to see a women’s/black themed movie. Shame on them. People are flocking to it via word of mouth. A beautiful thing.

Pats Beatdown of the Bucs Last Night

Last night's blowout win was an example of "Chests Out, Chins Up" pride by a football team that has a chance to be pretty good. I saw a lot of game face on the sidelines throughout, regardless of the score: Nice. Pride always feels better than a chuckle, guys.

================

The D was dominant, the key to the blowout. Brady went 11 for 19, a poor percentage, and the 2 minute offense at the end of the first half wasn't good. But overall a really good effort. I would think Coach Belichick would give the boys an extra day off this week. Or not, but how can the coaches harp on the many minor mistakes when it was obvious that the Pats kicked the Bucs asses? I'll bet guys can tune out coaches who bitch and bitch after a blowout. Just give the players some time off to fuck around.

The test of this team will come after they've lost two in a row and have to go on the road to play somebody good. That almost certainly will happen sometime this season. How will they respond then? It's easy and fun right now but championships aren't won in shirt sleeve weather, they're won when it's god damn cold and nasty, at least in this part of the country.

A downfield block by OchoCinco might make the difference between a 20 yard gain and a TD many, many times this season. This team plays for championships, Chad. Every fucking play matters. Eleven at a time for the full 48 minutes. This is for a ring and some kind of legacy as a champion. Can you handle that? Nice grab on the score.

The Patriots on field coaching staff appears to have no real climbers, nobody aiming for Coach Belichick's job. That's cool. Just a bunch of football guys working their butts off. Makes sense.

Andre Carter can have a double figure sack total by December, I think. This guy missed a tackle on the first snap of the game and later missed a sack, but he was terrific rushing the passer. Eat something, 'Dre! You at 265 would be pretty awesome.

The game is only 3 hours long, out of 168 in a week. It's nice to think that all the players can go full tilt full time for 3 fucking hours. Didn't see that from the Bucs once they got down, but saw it from the Pats. Three full hours of headbutting is not a lot to ask for from well paid guys.

Ryan Mallett was impressive again, but underthrew Slater for a potential score in the 4th and gave up a Pick 6. He looked really good overall, and Hoyer didn't.

Stevan Ridley was, again, a beast. A damn beast. But he FUMBLED! Turnover are worth about 5 points. Don't do that again and you'll be on the field for 40 snaps a game. The coaches need to know they can trust you, Ridley. And that means never, ever fumbling.

Coach Belichick appears Zen right now, really enjoying himself. Not because his team is good, but because the man is doing what he loves to do. Were we all so lucky.

Hard to tell from a fan's point of view, but I didn't see the rookie Solder do anything wrong.

Comparing the Pats offense to the 2007 juggernaut doesn't wash with me because Randy Moss isn't on the field. He broke games wide open with long scores. The Pats have absolutely no one like that. Nobody. That's why Ridley's turnover was so bad: this team needs long drives to score and few turnovers.

The special teams kicked ass! Absolutely killed on all the returns.

Danny Woodhead may not make the team, but he is a fucking football player. With his job on the line he took that severe hit to the head and got right up. That's instinctual and valuable.

Niko Koutouvides, the LB fighting for a spot, made some good plays. A valuable guy who has a chance to stick. Looked better than Tracy White by a wide margin.

==============

Chests Out, Chins Up everybody. Keep that Game Face on.

My Jimmy The Greek Moment

In Africa there are no seasons. There is only warmth. It is a largely a paradise. People in early times could live off the land, picking fruit and killing game every day of the year. There was no need to worry about tomorrow or six months in the future.

In Europe and Asia winter lasts six months of the year. If food was not grown, gathered and stored, people would die. There was a need to plan ahead.

Europeans, somehow someway, developed an ability to kill off other humans more efficiently than anyone else on the planet. They warred with each other and conquered large portions of the rest of the planet, leveraging their advantage in killing into the centuries long oppression of black and brown people.

Tell me that isn't true.

Race Questions

Why do I think Halle Berry is more attractive than Beyonce?

============

Why was the leading contender thus far this year for Best Picture, "The Help", marketed as a comedy?

============

What responsibility do the former football players at the University of Miami have for taking most likely tens of thousands of dollars apiece from Shorty Shapiro? What do they owe the school? What do they owe the high school players of South Florida should The U get the Death Penalty? Would you have done any different?

============

Why do people who aren't white sometimes worship a god whose son is typically represented as white?

============

Does someone who grew up in the middle class burg of Amherst, NH, lily white, back in the 1970s, have anything to add to the race discussion?

Good Books Yet to be Made Into Movies: Just Sayin'

Didya see all those movies I wrote about yesterday yet? No? WTF! Slackers! Here's some more homework: Excellent material for films:

=================

"Going Long: The Wild Ten Year Saga of the Renegade American Football League in the Words of Those Who Lived It" - Jeff Miller - 2003
--- Would make a terrific mini series for ESPN, just like "The Bronx is Burning" did. The formation of the AFL is a fascinating story that involves some very young and cheeky rich folks battling the establishment (and eventually becoming the establishment), and would interest Vikings and Cowboys fans, along with AFC cities.

"Boys and Girls Together" - William Goldman - 1964
--- A great reading experience when I was a teenager. This one was written by the legendary Goldman back before he got to Hollywood. The story is sensational. Would need a big cast and probably would need to be set present day, but it's a wonderful, complex story/stories.

"The Color of Light" - William Goldman - 1984
--- My favorite Goldman book. The plot of this one involves the education and development of a writer over a decent period of time, but one actor could play the role easily; it wouldn't be a stretch. No idea why this juicy material hasn't been turned into a film. Great scenes like the recent college grad working on a bricklaying crew for a day are gold (That scene would probably need voiceover). Tons of great scenes in this book, and I will always cherish it, whether it gets made into a movie or not.

"It Never Rains in Tiger Stadium" - John Ed Bradley - 2007
--- One of the best sports book in recent years, I can see a decent sized, 30 something actor like Tom Hardy doing the John Ed role (great Southern name: "John Ed Bradley"). Great stuff on the heartache that former athletes go through, and the love inherent in a locker room.

"A Well-Paid Slave: Curt Flood's Fight for Free Agency in Professional Sports" - Brad Snyder - 2007
--- Another mini series on ESPN. It's a crime that this great man's story is not known by each and every professional athlete. The poor guy threw away an All Star career on principle, and wound up LOSING at the Supreme Court, but in the process laid the groundwork for so many future multi-millionaires. And he seemed to pay a huge emotional price for his ordeal. We owe him: the least America could do would be to honor Flood and his family with more attention that would come from a big media event.

"Broke, USA" - Gary Rivlin - 2010
--- I would take the stories about the debt collectors and make a movie out of just that. Good stuff, could be done along the lines of Scorcese's ambulance driver movie, "Bringing Out The Dead'. showing how good people can make conscious choices to dick over the rest of the world.

"Continental Drift" - Russell Banks - 1985
--- As great as the movie version of "Sweet Hereafter" was, and as good as "Affliction" was, this material could be just as good in a film. And whoever makes the movie better not change the final scene. Gritty and sad, powerful material.

===================

Obviously, I read and go to the movies a lot. When you get cut from the Pop Warner team as an 11 year old you tend to develop other interests.

Movies That Should Be Remade....And How

"Foxes" - 1980 - Jodie Foster was 18 when this gritty high school drama came out, directed by the great Adrian Lyne. Is Blake Lively too old to pull this off? Lyne did an amazing job with his young actors; that's why the original resonates. He didn't fuck around: some bad shit happened to the girls. Amazing material. Maybe instead of Lively the casting could be real young, like "13" young. That's what MTV has done with their stuff lately.

"Sweet Smell of Success" - 1957 - Killer noir material. How has this not been done already? Change the sexes of the two stars and you got something pretty sexy. More relevant than ever with the phone hacking scandal going on.

"Internal Affairs" - 1990 - Richard Gere and Andy Garcia should have just gotten it over with and had sex in this really cool movie. Gere was bad, bad, bad and so sexy. Incredible material but cop dramas are a dime a dozen. How do you make this special? How do you get someone to do as great a job as Gere did? That's tough. I could watch Ryan Gosling in anything, but he has a similar vibe to Gere: maybe not the best way to go. How about someone more creepy than sexy? Like Jeremy Piven. Yeah, that'd work. He can play badass.

"The Lady From Shanghai" - 1947 - To fill the Rita Hayworth role you gotta get someone smart enough and sexy enough that a rube sailer would kill for her. That's tough. She's gotta look like high society, too. Gwyneth? I see the female lead as being very tall and intimidating. For the sailor, how about someone short like Jack Black, or Seth Rogan (seriously).

"The Stranger" - 1946 - Change the Nazi professor to a Serb and you got a movie. Amazing film by Welles, but the remake could improve on it, I think. Or maybe have the professor be from China.

"The Black Hole" - 1979 - Great camp. Lots of scenery being chewed in the original. This would make a funny cool summer movie a few years down the line.

"Hud" - 1963 - Can you spell "Ryan Gosling?" He has amazing charisma. Who would play Patricia Neal's character? You can't improve on perfection, but there's plenty of 40 something actresses who could do it. Marisa Tomei possibly, or how about the amazing Jamie Lee Curtis? Perfect age for the part. "The Body" could kill in the Neal role. Curtis has sex appeal and likeability and has the same earthiness about her that Patricia Neal provided.

"Fat City" - 1972 - If anyone suggests changing the boxing to MMA I'm gonna get mad. Boxing is a dying sport, MMA on the rise. Boxing would be better. Lots of poor Hispanic kids go through what Stacy Keach and Jeff Bridges did. The original is the most underrated of John Huston's many incredible films. I can still feel every punch, every drunk that I saw onscreen. Keach's lush of a lover is obviously an incredible role; got Susan Tyrrell an Oscar nomination. So many of the movies that I feel should be remade feature awesome material for actresses in their late 30s and 40s. Guess that's because I want to fuck so many of these great ladies. Sorry. Incredible, ripe, relevant material in "Fat City."

"The Informer" - 1935 - "Frankie, Frankie, your mother forgives me!" How many actors would give a testicle to get to play the final scene?

"Hopscotch" - 1980 - Glenda Jackson was 43 to Matthau's 60 year old in this one. I don't know how this movie ever got made but it was brilliant and fun. You could just do an almost shot by shot remake of this one and I'd still hand over my eight bucks.

=================

I know all this material is in development somewhere, but I don't want to die of old age having never seen Bruce Willis utter the line, "Frankie, Frankie, your mother forgives me!"

4,000 Weeks in a Lifetime

How did I choose to spend my time?
This, my one chance
On the journey through

Did I punch the clock at a job I hated?
Did I marry someone I didn't love?
Did I act selfishly and aggressively towards those who couldn't defend themselves?

I have too much to lose by losing, as
In the long view there are no second chances

4,000 weeks in a lifetime
I'm more than halfway through
By any definition

Do I regret?
Yes
Do I try to learn every day
And ask "why" of everybody and everything?
Yes

When I make a mistake
Or get mistreated
My face flushes, but
Then it's gotta be a learning experience
That's on me
Always

My 2,000 weeks have been mostly pain
When you break it down
But I'm not done yet

Britney Spears

How does a woman who has marketed herself as a teeny-bopper for a decade transition to adulthood and a new direction in her career?

How about an "American Gigolo" remake.

==============

The 1980 Paul Schrader film is iconic not just for Richard Gere's role as the fashionable hustler but for Lauren Hutton as the woman who loves him. What a perfect role for the 29 year old Britney.

She can act, and audiences have proven they love her in just about anything. But she is no longer a girl, hasn't been in a while. Lauren Hutton was heartbreaking in that role and incredibly sexy as a mature woman. What would Ms. Spears do with it? She'd hit it out of the park, methinks.

==============

Joseph Gordon-Levitt could play the Richard Gere role. He's sweet, sexy, and cool. He killed as the lead in "(500) Days of Summer", proving he could star in a really good film.

The original film was set in LA, but I see the remake in Washington DC. How about a male prostitute who services politicians, the movers and shakers in our nation's capital, both male and female. That would be hot.

Actors who could play the Congressmen and women who get fucked? Richard Jenkins, Sharon Stone, Julianne Margulies, Jack Black, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Vera Farmiga. (I know: dream on. I'm just sayin')

===============

You owe me for suggesting it.

===============

Further: One idea? Shit man, I've got thousands. Josephcsweeney@yahoo.com for more, but it'll cost ya next time...

LaGarrette Blount

Listening in on last night's Buccaneers preseason game reminded me to be angry.

LaGarrette Blount, now with the Bucs, was the talented running back for the University of Oregon who, two years ago, following a game against Boise State, responded to a shove from a white player on Boise with a punch to the jaw. He got suspended for almost his entire senior season, which caused him (a 6 foot 250 pound Jerome Bettis clone) to fall from the first or second round to free agent status. That's a lot of cash that Oregon cost him and his family. A clear cut example of racism. A black man is pushed and responds with a punch to the jaw. In "Hoosiers" when the white kid hit another white kid and said, "I got him a good one!", the audience, including me, cheered. A black guy does the same and he's out a million bucks. Clear cut racism.

============

The question for LaGarrette and all the other young, black, and rightfully angry men in this nation is, What do you do with this kind of incident? The answer is: You gotta be twice as good if you're black. Or Asian. Or Hispanic. This nation is ruled by white males, and if you're not a white male you're gonna get screwed at some point in your life. Do you burn the place down or do you do better? You better do better, because we only get one chance in life. Bitterness lasts a lifetime. Don't let it eat you up. There's always gonna be shit like what Oregon pulled on Blount, you don't have to look hard to find it.

This young man has a target on his back and a burden on his shoulders. When he dies in sixty years that Boise State incident will be in his obituary. But what will the rest of it say? It's up to him. He could gain 10,000 yards and make tens of millions of dollars and give Oregon and their athletic director the finger in his rearview mirror ten years from now. Or he could let that stuff eat him up. I don't know anything about him other than what I read, and that he is a hell of a talented football player. A potential star. I wish him luck.

The Picture of Elisabeth Shue's Breasts

On my wall is
A photo
From "Leaving Las Vegas"
A role that won Elisabeth Shue an Oscar
Making her a serious actress, finally

In the picture are, among other things
Her breasts
Barely hidden underneath a LBD

She was playing a hooker
With room in her heart
For a drunk, a man
Bent on destruction

Her body, her breasts
Representing femininity
Grace and beauty
Motherhood
Charm
Secrecy and shame

What must it be like?

SEC Additions: Would You Rather Be A Big or Small Fish?

ESPN is reporting that Texas A&M, Clemson, Florida State, and Missouri are likely going to join the SEC, making a 16 team superconference that will dominate college football even more than the current SEC does.

The question I have for A&M, Clemson, and Missouri fans is: Would you rather have a program like Mississippi State or like Iowa?

-----------------

Iowa football seems to pull 10 win seasons out of a hat every couple of years. They compete for major bowl bids in the less competitive Big Ten. Their record is sometimes better than the team on the field, in the sense that ten win Big Ten teams are always overrated in the polls.

Mississippi State could whip just about any of the recent Iowa teams on the field, but State's record never compares because they play in the ultra tough SEC. They'll always lose three or four games no matter how much cash the administration sinks into the program. M State has basically zero chance of winning a national championship. Their best coaches will always leave for bigger programs, as we'll see with Coach Mullen in a year or so if State has a good team. Every couple of years, maybe even every other year, they'll beat a Bama or Florida and have a big party. But it won't ever happen consistently.

Mississippi State and Iowa. One is a small fish in a big pond and one is a big fish in a slightly smaller pond.

I don't see Texas A&M, Clemson, or Missouri competing with the big fish of the SEC: Bama, LSU, Florida, and now Florida State. Just ain't gonna happen. In a conference with 16 teams, assuming they play 8 conference games, there's going to be quite a few 3-5 and 2-6 ballclubs. And fans of the lower echelon teams won't be happy. Schools that win two or three SEC games and have .500 records will go to crappy bowlgames and will churn through coaches. They'll be happy to cash the huge checks coming from SEC headquarters, but do fans really want to be also rans in the best conference in the country? Or do they want to have a chance to win a slightly lesser conference like the Big Ten every season? Good question.

I know what I'd prefer: Iowa. Coach Ferentz has a great situation: Every couple of years he's gonna win 10 or 11 games and have a shot at the BCS bowls. That WILL NOT HAPPEN for the small fries of the SEC.

Be careful what you wish for Aggie fans.

Notes on Patriots Pre Season Debut

--- So very sad to see Mr. Kraft alone in his box. Just heartbreaking. Gonna be a tough year, for him and his kids obviously, but for us fans of the team as well because everytime the cameras show that scene we'll be reminded of Myra's passing. They can dedicate the season to her, they can kick some serious ass, but they can't bring her back.

--- Brian Hoyer reminds me of a young man in his second year of medical school. Still broke, still renting a shitty apartment somewhere close to work, but man.... He's gonna strike it rich someday soon. It's not known where and when. It will most likely be somewhere other than Foxboro, but Hoyer looks like a future starter. What a testament to the coaching staff that, first Cassel, now Hoyer, have been turned into major assets. I think maybe Coach Belichick knows a little football.

--- The special teams were a shitshow. Total shitshow. What the hell happened? Don't give me any "we haven't had enough practice." The Jags had just as many practices as the Pats did, and they killed us on st. Big returns, a bad snap, penalties. Gostkowski and Mesko are awesome foot men, though. I have faith in them.

--- Watch out Green-Ellis, cuz there's a new back in town. Stevan Ridley looks like the next model in Coach Belichick's LSU/Bama/Florida production line. The kid was a beast last night. Running back is the spot where rookies can have the biggest impact because of the relatively simple nature of the position. Should be fun and Ridley has a chance to have a 1,300 yard year, or something like that.

--- Ryan Mallett missed a couple of throws. We know he has a rocket. But he looked really good in the second half. Did not like all the smiles and joking on the sidelines by him late. GAME FACE! The score doesn't matter, just do your job. Ryan: did you see the vets laughing it up when the game got out of hand? Game face.

--- Did you know that Coach Belichick is not even 60 years old? He was born 4/16/52. The man could coach this team another ten years without breaking a sweat. Can you see him looking like Coach Paterno someday, dottering around, getting injured every other year by some behemoth on the practice field? Funny image, I think. It could happen.

--- I love Vince Wilfork the football player. I'd give him a big 'ol hug if I could. The man is one of the greatest of all Patriots. He won't make Canton, but he will be in the Pats Hall of Fame, and be remembered by folks like me forever. What a great player and seems like he doesn't brook shit from his teammates. And he married well, apparently. Man, do I adore Vince Wilfork. We also have the same measurments: 6 1, about 315 or so. I'm sexier, though.

--- Guys who hurt themselves: Taylor Price had some big yardage, but he bobbled the TD pass. Gotta haul those in clean.
Patrick Chung clean dropped an interception. Darius Butler looked like he got beat like a fucking drum. His time is just about over. No shame in whiffing on a second rounder. Dane Fletcher looked good defensively early. Landon Cohen must be the only 300 pound Jewish guy the Pats have ever had on the D-Line. He had a sack. It's obvious that Lee Smith is going to make the team at tight end. Someone tell that punk from Connecticut Aaron Hernandez to get in the fucking weight room. You've got a chance to make some serious contract money next time up, but probably only if you gain twenty pounds, bro. You're way too skinny. Doesn't Florida have a weight room? You're fucking with your future by not lifting.

--- 85 is gonna be some kind of fun this year. What a lunatic: gonna live with a fan for two weeks. Love it. Can't stay here in The 'Pent, though. Too far from practice. And your Prius would be bad for our image. What a dorky car. At least get a black Camry or something with some style, dude. Prius' are weak ass cars. And don't pout if Brady doesn't throw 8 balls your way every week. No one is expecting Randy Moss 2007 numbers. Just 60-75 catches and a lot of first downs.

--- One skirmish down. Twenty two to go. It's a long season. GAME FACE!

Now It Can Be Said: The Truth About Vietnam

Our nation lost the Vietnam War because a lot of the troops serving on the front lines were subpar. Four decades later it's time to be honest about it.

There are reasons. And blame.

============

If Kevin Youkilis were to get injured tomorrow night and the Red Sox signed me as their new third baseman, I'd be the worst player in the history of professional baseball by a lot. I wouldn't get a hit or field a ball. Fans would boo the shit out of me, worse than Don Zimmer in fact. But whose fault would it be? Where would the blame lie?

It'd be Theo's fault. And John Henry's blame too, for having such an incompetent general manager. Yeah, people could bitch and whine about how "Sweeney sucks", but Theo would truly be the one to be pissed at because to sign me would be inadequate leadership by him. He's in charge and responsible.

============

When George HW Bush was a young man he joined the Navy following the attack on Pearl Harbor. He was one of the most talented men of his generation, and served with distinction. Two decades later his son, George W Bush, also one of the most capable men of his generation, chose not to serve in Vietnam. Because, and there is a lot involved in why this was so, he was allowed not to. In contrast to WWII,where every able bodied man enlisted or was drafted, largely because the population knew that America was threatened, in the Vietnam era folks stateside knew that our country was not seriously threatened with invasion and, given the choice, thousands upon thousands of bright young men did not serve. They were given a choice, and, as I would have done as well, decided that the National Guard was the way to go (because no one in the Guard was getting killed).

It should not have been their decision to make. The political leadership of our nation allowed most of the brightest young men born of that generation to avoid combat. There were deferments and National Guard enlistments for those able to work the system. Lessers, men with courage but not as much talent, were sent to the front lines. And the nation paid the ultimate price, losing to an inferior army.

============

In WWII the US military destroyed the Axis powers in three and a half years (with much help from the Soviet Union). The US suffered badly in North Africa in the Army's first test against the Nazis, but once the troops learned what they were doing victory after victory followed.

In Korea, the US, this time as well using the most able young men in our nation, killed a million Chinese, at the loss of 34,000 US personnel. The Chinese and North Koreans were simply no match for the United States Army once our best troops arrived and became acclimated.

============

Ted Williams, who became a war hero, did not want to serve in the military. Not in WWII, not in Korea. He was pissed and fought hard to get out of it. He was forced to serve and, due to his almost superhuman eyesight and hand eye coordination, became a pilot, training others during WWII stateside and serving with distinction in Korea. But don't get the idea that he willingly put his life on the line. Far from it. When forced, and he saw others being forced as well, he went and did his job and has rightfully been honored since.

In Vietnam, I can only think of one famous pro athlete who served. Rocky Bleier, and I don't believe he was well known when he joined up. I know there were others, but offhand I do not recall. And that is telling. The best, most able men were not being called to serve in that war, and the price was paid.

=============

This is a case of a thousand small truths leading to one large one. Ask any reasonable young man, if they were 21 years old in 1964, if they wanted to go serve in a war 8,000 miles away in some Godforsaken jungle in a country no one had ever heard of and they'd say "No way." But make them serve and they'd go, as long as everyone else was in the same boat. In the big picture these examples of self interest caused our military to be, for possibly the first time ever, inadequate. The really smart guys had other priorities. A lot of them would have made great soldiers. The Vietcong would have been routed, corrupt government in the South or no. A well trained and staffed United States military would have turned North Vietnam into a parking lot in about eighteen months after escalation, no doubt about it. That, obviously, is not what happened.

Where's John John?

The children were 6, 9, and 11
Old enough to know that he was special
But too young to grasp what he meant

They would try to wait up
On a mid summer's night
For the man the whole world adored
He was their uncle, just Uncle John
Being famous meant nothing, to all of them
Just a fact

He still smelled after runs
And picked his nose sometimes
A bit like everyone else

----------------

Where's John John tonight?
My Uncle John
Is he gone, too?

-----------------

Word arrives on the island
And John, Tatiana, and Rose must be told

Uncle John is in heaven tonight
With Carolyn and Lauren, too
They died in a plane crash off the coast

It's OK to be sad, and to cry
You'll have no first cousins
Some things can't be helped
But he's safe now, with those who went before

Don't ever feel cheated
Your uncle was 38, old enough
To have lived
More than most
He gave us much
More than we can repay

-----------------

Where's my John John tonight?
Where's my Uncle John?
Now he's gone, too

Hey Man...

Saw on "Pardon The Interruption" just now that Sacramento Kings second year big DeMarcus Cousins got himself a tattoo. It says "misunderstood."

That worries me: to get that particular word inked means that Cousin's sees himself as a man for whom we should feel sorry for since (sniff sniff) poor DeMarcus is....not understood... by us common folk.

Dude, you're no victim, you're a rich NBA baller. Life has treated you pretty fucking well to this point. Why do you see yourself that way? You know how many folks would trade places with you?

You are not "misunderstood", you are treated like a god. People ask for your autograph because they look up to and envy you. Act like it and be grateful for all you have. Stop the whining.

Not that anyone doesn't have rights to their feelings, both negative and positive, and having a bad day or bad month is very human. But seeing oneself as a victim is entirely different than just feeling down in the dumps. It is a recipe for disaster. I know: I've felt that way often. It is extremely hard to turn things around when someone sees themselves as being a victim of society. I'd rather be depressed.

The 'Pent Interviews Continue: Mr. Borat Sagdiyev

Apt404: Hello, Mr. Sagdiyev and welcome to Apartment 404. We're glad you could stop by and sit with us.

Borat: Yes....Hello....my name-a Borat.

Apt404: Uhuh. I know.

Borat: I make sexy time with your many blow up dolls?

Apt404: No...er...those are for our personal use only, Mr. Borat. Not to be touched, por favor.

Borat: "Por favor?" I do not know these words you speak. What strange language this, Mr. 'Pent?

Apt404: Let's try to stay focused, shall we, Borat?

Borat: This place small as my home back in Kazakhstan, where I live with my wife before the bad times they come.

Apt404: Yes, that's what we're here to talk about. The bad times. Now, your documentary about traveling from Kazakhstan to the United States premiered five years ago and made almost $300 million dollars gross. How is it that you went from Hollywood/Kazakh celebrity to residing here in the obscure city of Portland, Maine?

Borat: Ohhhhh. We need no speak of these times of badness, shall we? My-a head hurt already.

Apt404: You won't get a snack if you don't talk about how you lost the $300 million dollars.

Borat: OK....Yeah. So many bad things happen-a me. So many. Fame she so hard on poor Borat.

Apt404: You were the third richest man in the Kazakh Republic in 2008. And now you live downstairs from Apartment 404 here in the Loring House in relative anonymity.

Borat: You live Apartment 404 and I live-a in apartment 345. Yes, it true. Me feel shame. But still, many nice babies to have sexy time with here, no?

Apt 404: Not sure, Borat. We keep to ourselves up here. But really, I want to start the tale of your financial misfortunes with a discussion of your financing of the rebellion back in Kazakhstan. Do you think it was wise to invest $130 million in a Space Shuttle program for the rebels when the typical Kazak is illiterate, shoeless, and lives in a tarpaper shack?

Borat: I thought this Shuttle to Space would make Kazakh rebelllion win glorious glorious victory over the hated government forces. Agghh, I spit on them. I not know there were no Cosmonauts in my country. Or airports. Or jet fuel. Simple mistake I make. Anyone could have done.

Apt404: And your financing of the Kazakhstan Professional Women's Basketball League cost you another $25 million. Women aren't even allowed to drive or vote in your land and you thought women's basketball would be a good idea?

Borat: They make bouncy bouncy nice, ah? Deal too good to be-a true, I think. Many beautiful woman from US and A and Russia come to play in my country. We Kazakhs love the jiggly, love the smacka smacka dribble dribble.

Apt 404: And you spent another $40 million trying to get the Summer Olympics of 2024 to be played in your tiny nation. Kazakhstan has not only never won a medal in any Olympics, but you typically do not even send a team. Yet you financed an effort to get the biggest sporting event in the world located there. What was your thinking?

Borat: I listen to Azamat too much sometime. He tell me he want to lose weight and compete in the equestrain jump. He like to ride the horsey. Not so much twice, but first time fun for him. So I agree to bring Games of Olympic to my home. Not Borat fault that system corrupt.

Apt 404: But your country has no stadiums, no training facilities, and almost no roads. How could you think the Olympic Committee would award you the Games?

Borat: We spend many moneys on what Azamat call "nice greasing of the palms", but no good. Olympic men greedy, snotty, and all Jews. They take our money and vote for New York City, though no Jews there.

Apt 404: A third disasterous foray for you was the attempt to film a remake of an obscure 1994 American comedy, "Clifford".

Borat: "Clifford" greatest American film in all history. I watch this moviefilm many times through the years. Always cry at end.

Apt 404: The original starred Martin Short as a little boy, Charles Grodin as his mean uncle, and Mary Steenburgen as Grodin's love interest. YOU cast Ben Stiller, Robert DeNiro, and Britney Spears in those roles. Weird. And costly. That must have been one expensive shoot for the film which you called "Kliffordovitch." Filming was on location in the Akhola region in the northern part of your country, almost inaccessible by any means of transportation.

Borat: The reason we film "Kliffordovitch" in mountains is authenticity. Borat no make crap. Borat live for his art, so we not cut corners. Shoot in real world, like-a always.

Apt 404: Shit, Borat, you're starting to sound like a real asshole. I see how easy it was to blow through all that dough.

Borat: Thanks to you.

Apt 404: Due to Stiller's Jewishness the entire Arab world and most of Texas and Oklahoma banned your film. It was released in 1,500 theatres here in America in the summer of 2010 and grossed just $4 million in its first week, against your costs of $54 million. You lost $50 million on a Ben Stiller movie.

Borat: I not only one. Ben Stiller make-a many bad movies. Not shame for me.

Apt 404: Didn't you invest any money in a bank or investment house? It it all gone?

Borat: Me no-a trust banks. Trust Azamat and Luenell.

Apt 404: And how'd that work out for you?

Borat: Not too good for Borat. Luenell, she leave me for women's professional basketball player.

Apt 404: Alright Borat. I think that's enough for today. You'll be back, right? We have much more material to go over.

Borat: You give Borat much pleasure by reminding him of wonderful time in 2006, when he biggest star in Kazakhstan. And get to wrestle Pamela Anderson. Me miss her....where's Borat snack?

Mail Bag: All Male Mail

Keep those cards, letters, emails, and sex toys coming folks. We're inundated. So to clear out some space we'll answer a few questions:

====================

Dear Mr. Pent Man;
My girlfriend keeps checking out cute guys at the gym while we're lifting. How do I stop her from noticing other men?

--- Name withheld on request

First of all, working out with your girlfriend is gay. Really, it's fucking gay, dude. What's wrong with you? I think maybe it's cool to lift and do cardio with your wife, since married people have nothing better to do. But if you're NOT married, and you bring your babe to the gym....well, what did you expect? There's all these people like me there with nothing better to do with their time than work out and develop nice bodies, and you think your woman is NOT going to notice us? No chance. Just give up and get yourself a boyfriend. Loser.


Dear Apt404 Personnel;
Why do you play your car stereo so loud? It's damn annoying to other drivers.

--- Pissed off in Portland

Yeah, you're right. It is obnoxious of us. When we're driving around the city and not in the mood to listen to music it really yanks our chain when some asshole cranks it up in his truck or BMW or whatever. After thinking about it a bit there appears to be some fundamental law of society at work here that we have not yet completely figured out. It goes something like, "If I do it (or don't do it), it's awesomely cool. If you do it (or don't do it, as the case may be) it's obnoxious and wrong." This law, which we'll call The Law of Selective Selfishness, seems to apply to washing your hands after using a public restroom, refolding clothes after looking at them at Target, putting carts into the corrals at the supermarket parking lot, tail gaiting, speeding, playing music, not using your turn signal, driving with a broken brake light: Basically a lot of car stuff, mostly.

With that in mind we're still gonna listen to MJ at full blast (at least as loud as the speakers in our Corolla go), but feel guilty about it. Kind of a Jewish thing, though we're athiests.


Dear Asshole;
You haven't had a date in six years and have really only had one serious relationship in your entire life, yet you think you can judge other people's love lives? What is wrong with you, 'Pent?

--- David from Manchester, NH

You got us. You're right. But we have asked out ten or so women in the last two years and they've all said "no", so at least we're trying. The staff here have close to zero experience in making a relationship work, especially in the long term. The thing is, though, that you don't have to be a genius to see dysfunction in other people, you just need to be observant. When we're around couples, eavesdropping or just overhearing their conversation, and not one pleasant word is exchanged between the two we feel bad for them and start thinking about how awesome it is to spend time with our cat.

One thing we're sure of here at The 'Pent is that if you have ex's that you refer to as "bitches" or "creeps" then something is wrong WITH YOU. Healthy people attract healthy people and know how to say "no" to anyone unhealthy. Positive, engaged humans have radar that tells them who to trust and who to avoid. I think that we here in Apartment 404 have that radar, and are proud of it.


Dear Sir;
Can you tell us what you've been reading lately so that we know what to avoid during the Going Out of Business Sale at Border's?

--- Tea Party Loyalist Dan, South Portland

Fuck you and the Tea Party, Dan. But I'll answer your question. It's been a terrific summer here in Apt404 for reading, and here's a list of some of what we've enjoyed:

"Play Like You Mean It", Rex Ryan
"Endgame", Frank Brady
"Bossypants", Tina Fey
"Evel", Leigh Montville
"My Name Is Bill", Susan Cheever
"Woody Guthrie: A Life", Joe Klein
"Simple Times", Amy Sedaris
"Hellhound On His Trail", Hampton Sides
"American Prometheus", Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin
"Steinbrenner: The Last Lion of Baseball", Bill Madden
"The Ones Who Hit The Hardest", Chad Millman and Shawn Coyne
"Scorecasting", Tobias J. Moskowitz and L. Jon Wertheim
"The Lost Dogs", Jim Gorant
"Nothing Was The Same," Kay Redfield Jamison
"Branch Rickey", Jimmy Breslin
"The Extra 2%", Jonah Keri
"Campy" Neil Lanctot
"Bad Science", Ben Goldacre
"56", Kostya Kennedy
"War In A Time Of Peace", David Halberstam
"The Corrections", Jonathen Franzen
"Swing Your Sword", Mike Leach
"Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism", Katherine Ketcham and William F. Asbury
"The Essential Gude to Borderline Personality Disorder", Randi Kreger

We won't even try to list the magazines we read weekly/monthly: About 40 or so different ones.

Yeah, we know that's a long list. But to name one or two is to slight the rest. Onward.


Dear Pent Staff;
If you won Powerball and had tens of millions of dollars, what would you do with it?

Broke, Too in Saco

We don't buy lottery tickets, so that's not going to happen. The enjoyment we get out of playing is miniscule compared to the cost: A dollar for us is a fairly sizable percentage of our weekly budget. Seriously. The only people who can truly afford to play the lottery are the same ones who don't need to win. The rich. For the rest of the population one dollar or ten dollars or fifty dollars a week is too high a price to pay for the chance at winning. It's just basic math. A dollar to me is more important than it is to someone who lives in Cape Elizabeth so I need to be smarter about spending it.

Anyway, what would I do with the winnings? First, I'd pull an OJ. No, I wouldn't murder anyone, I'd put a bunch of the money into annuities. OJ is a smart dude (a killer, but a smart guy), as no one can touch his yearly annuity income. Certainly not the court system. He will receive hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for the rest of his life because he was smart about his money back in the day.

But that's for my own personal use. I'd have plans for the rest of the money. I'd give everyone in this building access to an air conditioner first off. Man, that's gotta suck to have no A/C on hot days. It's a health hazard as well. Hundreds if not thousands of old people in this country die every summer because their apartments get overheated.

Next, I'd set up a dental care program for folks in Cumberland County. The state of dental health in this area is atrocious, especially amongst the lower income people. It would take many millions to make an impact but I believe that would be a terrific thing for the overall health of Maine. Pie in the sky thinking, I know. But that's what I wouid do.

That's all for this month's Bag O' Mail.

You Have A Pretty Name

Did you know
I sometimes still look for your face
When I enter the meeting rooms?
Though you haven't shown up in months
I can't help myself
Never could

You may not have wanted me
To be your man
Years ago
I can live with that reality

But I can't accept this feeling I have inside

I think that
Just for today
If you would stop pretending
With those easily fooled
That you know what the hell you're doing
Then maybe the way out would appear in your life
Finally
Permanently

I asked our friend the other day
If you were "alive or dead"
Just me
Trying to be funny at first
Though I'm sure my fears read through

I haven't seen you in such a long time
So I miss your insecurities
And beauty

Once Upon A Time In My Life: Fall 1988

I'm an accountant working at a small firm in Nashua, NH called Newton & DiBenedetto following my May graduation from Miami University. It is late fall and already I know I'm in trouble at work. It's only been four months, but getting through the day is becoming harder and harder. I've used up my now famous "I'm not sick, I just don't feel like coming to work today" bit on the secretary, which produced laughs throughout the office and incredulous stares upon my return the next day. If I try that again I'll surely be canned. I know I won't last too much longer at this entry level job, but my father has been getting some work from the partners at N&D, and I don't want to embarrass him when I quit (or get fired).

Working as an accountant is a lot like having to take a 40 hour math test every week and needing to get 100%. Pressure and not many laughs. The stereotypes are true I am finding out. Part of being a public accountant is doing what are called "audits", which is where a team of us go out on site to a client's place of business and check out their books, trying to make sure everything is kosher. It's better than being in the office, that's for fucking sure, but usually not by a whole lot.

I'm given directions for our next audit, which will be at a small outfit in Portsmouth, NH. The company has branch offices in Boston and maybe one or two other cities, but their NH headquarters is tiny and located in a converted barn on a beautiful plot of land close to the ocean. They are owned and operated by an older couple who live in the attached house, but us accountants (or at least I, the lowest of the low) deal mostly with the two bookkeepers, both women in their late 20s. Both are friendly and funny and seemingly nice.

One of them, named Shannon*, is attractive in a bosomy blonde sort of way. I am a child in a man's body, and do not immediately think of her as someone whom I might want to date, as I'm more concerned with making it home to my parent's house each day without making a fool of myself than fucking anyone.

My boss Doug, I can see, has ideas. He wants to set us up. I give in and ask Shannon if she wants to have a drink. She says, good naturedly, "Sure..." and suggests a place down the road from the old barn for a beer when we finish for the day. I leave before she does, my heart pounding out of my chest with nerves, as I am a dry virgin (I haven't been with a woman sober in my life). I stop at the first place I see that looks like it serves alcohol, a restaurant/tavern located in a very old building, one with the dark greenish paint pealing off the exterior. But the decor isn't too bad on the inside. I wait. And wait. For about an hour and a half. I know what I've done after just ten minutes of isolation but am powerless to move: I've gone to the wrong place. This is pre cell phone, so I have no chance to make amends to my date.

At work the next day it's "no big deal", she tells me. Cool. But I don't try again.

We wrap up the audit.

A week later, maybe two, Doug tells me he has an assignment for me: Drive a couple of financial statements out to the company we just audited. I jump at the chance to get the hell out of Dodge for the afternoon (which he knows: that's why he asked me to go).

As I'm driving to the coast from downtown Nashua, a plan is coming together in my mind. Our firm is going to have a holiday party and I can invite the babe. I'm sweating when I arrive at my destination, but am able to ask the question. Shannon kindly and sweetly agrees to go with me.

The night of the office party I drive from my parents house in Amherst to Shannon's apartment near downtown Portsmouth. She is dressed in a killer black dress, and I'm feeling good about the night to come. Not too uptight yet. We arrive at the restaurant on the North Shore of Mass early evening. Mixing with folks at a sizable party is something I have never attempted sober, and certainly never with older people dressed nicely like they are tonight. Doug introduces me to his hot wife, who everyone in our office knows makes more money than him at her job selling houses. Having the other employees kid him about it always pisses Doug off royally. I'm scared of her and it shows, I guess. I ask her about her life in a stumbling manner. No good, I can tell, as she clearly doesn't suffer fools very easily. I slink away, back to Shannon and safety. (Doug would tell me the following Monday how his wife had sarcastically noted to him that I was "definitely partner material." That comment would cut me to the bone because I knew it was true.)

My parents had been invited to the shindig by the partners. Shannon notices my Mom, who as usual is quiet and watching the goings on, staring at her a little bit and thinks that my mother is judging her in some way. Maybe she is. But I couldn't tell my date that Mom had never seen me with a girl before. I figured having a strange family was better than me being a total loser. I am not drinking, as my father had been sober for several years and would have noticed me downing a few, which makes the tension I feel worse. The folks attending, though, are making no attempt no stay sober. They get drunker and louder. Shannon and I make an early exit, and I drive her back to her place.

She invites me in. We settle on the couch and watch some tv. I sit stiffly next to her, not registering what is on the television set because I'm trying to figure out a way to kiss her without my beer can courage. Somehow we start to kiss. I start to breath heavily, comedically. She asks me, in a dead serious manner, if I "was OK?" Embarrassed of my ineptitude, I pull back and move to the other side of the couch. That would be all the fondling and smooching for the night. Shannon eventually retreated to her bed, me sleeping on the couch. The next morning I wake early, realize what a fool I've made of myself, and leave without dropping a note.

I call her that night, mostly because I have nothing else to do, and am hoping she'll have forgotten what an arse I was. We talk pleasantly about nothing in particular. I call back in a day or two. We make plans to spend the day together the coming weekend.

On a gorgeous late fall day we drive to the Maine Mall in South Portland, just an hour's drive from Portsmouth though it feels like a trip to Siberia to me as I have never been to Maine before. Shannon notices a pretty pink sweater in one of the stores but doesn't buy it. I make a mental note. We have dinner and drive back south. She doesn't invite me to spend the night and I am not surprised.

We talk once or twice during the week. I don't know how well things are going between us because I have nothing to compare it to. In college I had had some dates and a little sex, but nothing meaningful.

The first chance I get I drive the two hours from Amherst back to the Maine Mall and buy that sweater. It's going to be her Christmas present.

The next time we speak she tells me about her mother's death. It had happened when Shannon was a teenager. She described being the first to find her Mom's body, and how traumatic the experience was. I listen intently and am silently glad she is opening up to me. I may not know much about relationships, but I believe this to be a good sign.

The next day I phone and Shannon tells me she doesn't want me to call her again.

I wind up giving the sweater to my Mom for Christmas. It doesn't fit her but she wears it anyway out of love.


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* = Not her real name.