New(z)?

Are you kiddin' me?

Nothing new 'round here

Been here for 50,000 years. And way before that

Increase? Increase? No fucking way

The percentage is the same as it's always been

Humans are humans

So what we gonna do 'bout dis?

...

Baylor Basketball: I Likee

How to read a boxscore - by Joe

Perry Jones III - one of the most talked about young players in years -- future NBA player -- here's what he did against Prairie View: 31 minutes in a 40 point blowout, no assists, 7 of 9 from the line, 1 fucking foul (1 fucking foul!), no TOs (NO TOs!, shit man, you ain't trying if you ain't fucking up), 27 points

You wanna play with the big boys in the NBA? You gotta foul some little shits, you gotta get a couple turnovers every damn game, you gotta run the court for 2 or 3 dunks (free points!), you gotta have moves, counters, etc

Perry: what do you wanna be in 3 years? On the cover or a video game or playing one?

Are you just hype? Are you another bust, or the real deal? Me, Shaq, and LeBron and D-Wade want you to be the real deal.

Are you?

Talent

530 -- Gorham, ME -- Hill Gym -- 500 folks -- watching DIII guys and ladies play a doubleheader

===============

930 -- on TV, the Bigtime in Columbus -- Jared and Austin -- a dozen large, unemployed black dudes with too much time and money (for now) -- choke! -- you think that was tough? try walking up a fuckin' mountain with 80 pounds on your back day after day after day for years

===============

Effort, heart, hustle, listen to coach..., play to win, play with pride, wear the uni proudly, help a teammate up, catch and shoots missed, close games, EFFORT, HEART, TEAMMATES, 2,000 miles from home, too short by five inches but playin' anyway up here in the cold, open jumpers: net, pick and rolls not executed or seen, no dunks, threes (ugh), the ladies shower, leave their hair messy, and watch the guys play (Bowdoin men showed up behind the girl's bench to watch the first half, USM dudes were studying in the library), Bowdoin: kids who grew up with money but still wanna play the game, seeing plays (or not) but two steps slow to execute properly, a seven footer from L-S with an IQ, I'd guess of 300...thousand who the coach left out there too long in the first half: lesson: get in the gym and lift, eat, shoot, play, etc: no one gets in shape playing in a game, they get in shape in the offseason and in the morning, man, that was some kind of damn fun

Blowout, face painted fans who leave when the Bucks are ahead or behind too much, slap happy kids who think they won something, 2nd round draft picks w/out guaranteed money (learn Spanish, guys), 20,000 "friends", hip pointer?: I know what that feels like: welcome to old age, kid, 3/4/5, school is fun, the sweetness of a banged in j, then another, then another and another: that's fun (I hear), do you assholes know what you have?

The Future of Medicine

Jets fans

F.A.S.

Once a fetus' brain is formed in the womb, it's done developing (basically). All the building blocks it's going to receive are there.

Nutrition during childhood, loving parents, stimulus, exercise, thinking about goals, etc are important after birth in shaping personality, but not IQ.

Your IQ at birth, which we don't understand how to measure, is your IQ throughout your life (basically).

If the mother carrying that baby drinks and/or drugs enough while the fetus is attached to her womb for the nine months of pregnancy (quantities of alcohol and other drugs and their effects on a fetus are not yet understood) that fetus will be born brain damaged and there ain't a damn thing doctors or anyone else can do about it.

FAS babies often, quite often, grow up to be 100% disabled. They eat, shit, sleep, and, often, fuck.

Can a FAS adult female give birth to a healthy baby? That also is not understood, but my gut says "yes, they can", though the raising of an otherwise healthy baby by a FAS parent will always (ALWAYS) be a disaster for that child.

This is one big fucking problem in America.

Hi! I'm Herman Cain!

Why is Herman Cain still running? Because the GOP wants swing state voters to think that all black guys are that dumb.

==============

It takes a lot of people to run a Presidential campaign. Why are 20 and 30 something former College Republicans still working for a wreck of a campaign? Because the higher ups in the GOP want Cain to be an example to voters that black people are dumb and can't be trusted.

Bobby V: X

Bobby V goes overseas NOW? When he is one of two candidates to manage the Red Sox? Fuck you, Bobby.

You don't go eight thousand miles away NOW.

==============

Gene Lamont: Next manager of the Sox

==============

Let the healing begin

We Don't Know Why (More)

Do people in comas get zits?

No, they do not

===============

Zits are related to the central nervous system, thus are way beyond our comprehension at this point in time

All those creams and jells and treatments? WASTES OF MONEY

We Do Not Understand Acne

So pop 'em, clean 'em with alcohol swabs to kill bacteria, and hope for the best

Because zits are here to stay

As if high school wasn't bad enough

Thas' the truth, man

We Don't Know Why

Zit Farm 404 -- no, not "Sex Farm 404"

Zit: The Joe Sweeney Story

My So Called Zit -- she never had that problem

She and Zit -- easy listening?

"I am not a zit! I'm a human being!"

Pop-A-Zit - played in bars since way back when

The 45 Year Old Zit

Up With Zit

High School Zit

I Was A Middle Aged Zit

zit mirrors -- worth their weight in gold, man

You don't know where that zit's been. So don't wipe it on me.

Does she get zits?

No known cause. No known cure. Zits are god's cure for self confidence.

I remember a pretty girl in college, an accounting major like me, King Library, studying upstairs. Zits everywhere. I wanted to hug her. I'll never forget that

Listen Up

Black guys get chicks

Not because they have big dicks

But due to

Their lack of zits

B.O.T. to "No No / Go Go"

Beginning of Time

---------------

Universe forms -- date unknown

---------------

"Earth" breaks away from sun, cools

---------------

"Moon" breaks away from Earth, cools

---------------

War To End All Wars starts -- Middle East divided up in Paris by old white men

---------------

World War II -- 50 million die -- Middle East largely, wisely, sits this one out

---------------

Cold War -- Middle East forgotten by two global powers

---------------

Vietnam War -- Middle East still not thought of much

---------------

Energy Crisis -- "Help Us!!!" -- they remember -- they get rich

---------------

Soviets invade "Afghanistan" -- not really a country so much as a region

---------------

Infighting in Moscow, Soviets never 100% committed to effort

---------------

Soviets defeated by nomads, who are given billions by US government

---------------

After Russians leave region billions in weapons and graft left behind

---------------

Divided up by largely illiterate nomads, who then start to kill each other

---------------

medium sized nation of Iraq invades tiny nation of Kuwait -- Why?

Possiblities:

1. Their king is bored

2. Their king is afraid he'll be deposed if he doesn't

3. "No No!" "Go Go?"

4. US companies excited by possibliity of wartime economic boost

5. All of the above

6. Unknown

----------------

Bush I decides to kick Iraq's ass -- is criticized and praised equally

----------------

Whitney sings our national anthem prior to G-Men vs Bills Super Bowl

----------------

Iraq gets their butts kicked by U.S. troops

Absolute slaughter: hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqi boys, U.S. loses a couple of hundred boys

Iraqi Army on run back to Baghdad

Bush I - "Halt!"

----------------

turn blog over for second half



U.S. spends a trillion on war -- FUN!

F.A.S. - Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Cost to the state of Maine - $1 billion / year

Robbie Hummel Is So Old...

They call it "Robbie Hummel Surgery" now

He played for Coach Keady

He knows Rod Woodson personally

He played pickup with Drew Brees

He is a true "Legend"

He has seen a good season out of the football team

He dated some of the women's national champions

He remembers when Michigan State was good

WDSHD?

What did Sister Helen do?

==============

Sandusky did bad things
In prison

What was done to him before
He has brought to those kids

Repurcussions follow our bad behavior
Hopefully
So we can learn and teach and heal and grow and forgive and live

That man has, is, will suffer and suffer
For what he has done
The dead eyes of a child abuser don't lie

Can you imagine the horror inside?

===============

Sister Helen teaches us to face up
To the tragedy of our lives

POTUS: There's a Reason The Campaign Lasts Two Years

Who should/could be President?

President Franken – He’s not outwardly funny anymore, which is a good thing for us in a lot of ways. But don’t think that the Franken brain is still not laughing at you and you and you

President Tina – She thinks she’s busy now? Stressed? Shit, this will bring premenstrual to a whole new level. Look out, bitches

President Larry David – Would work about 12 hours a week. Walks out on press conferences all the time. Plays too much golf, even though he’s as bad as President Clinton at the game. At least President Larry doesn’t take mulligans, though. Or does he?

President Micheal Richards – Making Gerald Ford look like Gene Kelly. Wigs are back, too. White socks with brown trousers, also. This guy has no job at present, too

President Gingrich – Can you imagine movie nights with him and Justice Thomas at the White House? What “films” would they show? Sasha Grey Night? (that girl really IS hot, smart, and sexy) Come on, man. Are these guys really running for POTUS? I mean, like Mike Barnicle said this am on MSNBC: "Has anyone ever actually eaten a Godfather's Pizza?" I haven't. But this is Maine. We think Panera is class

President Jerry – The “Did you ever wonder why” stump speech will become legend. Cabinet: Treasury is...well, Jerry can't fill that slot because he doesn't know anyone qualified to do the job, Sec of State Marisa Tomei, just because she's awesome, and the DEA slot (is that cabinet?) is clearly Mr. Rip Torn. If he's "spending time with his family", then Robin Williams can do that job. For a little while. Plenty of experience with the authorities. The rest? lackeys and cronies. Jerry has plenty following him around, I'm sure. Big entourage guy, def.

President Kathie Lee Gifford – Keep it down, girl. Just tone it down a bit. Jesus, woman. Can’t the nation get a moment’s piece. I can hear you from Portland, making sex jokes and talking incessantly (incessantly) about your teenagers. Man, are they not toilet trained or something? Thas weird, KL

Major League Bullshit

MLB is gonna go to two fifteen team leagues next year, thanks to management . Genius. It will be just like hockey, where the B's play every team in the league like four times, and there are no fucking rivalries left. There's team in Columbus? Are you shitting me? Columbus?

I live to see the Bruins beat the snot out of those asshole Habs, but when do the boys ever play them? When? I have no idea. It sucks.

Baseball. Keepin' it Real. (cough cough)

Uncle

I don't have a job. I rely on the US government to pay almost all my bills. I receive $1,223 each month in Social Security Disabiity benefits, a program set up decades ago to help folks like me who are unable to hold down a job that pays enough to live on. I also get Medicaid and Medicare health insurance from the government. I haven't paid a hospital bill for years, as my income is so low that I get free care from Maine Medical Center. Good deal. I'm a lucky duckie. I really am in some ways.

I do pay a couple of bucks per prescription, which is just a fraction of the "cost" of the drugs I take.

My father left me about $70K when he died from his life insurance policy. I've eaten away at that since 2004, usually 500 bucks at a time through checks written by my Mom, who has control of the money. There's about eight grand left.

I'm really grateful that these programs are in place.

The Shaq Power Show

Five days a week on XM

Spinning, bullshitting, horsing around, saying what's funny and maybe even what needs to be said

(Shaq's a workhorse and a funny fuck. He needs a job, too)

================

Annnnnnnnnnd we're back on the Shaq Power Show! This is Shaq. How yall doin' today? Me? I'm 7 foot 1, bangin', and a gift from God to you people.

Have any of you little folks seen a more beautiful sight than Shaq in his leather chaps riding a big fucking custom Harley down the middle of the highway? No, you haven't. Youtube me, I'm awesome.

Alright, first record I'm gonna play is from a new group. "The Young Philadelphians." They're hot, they're young and talented and they're what I want to play. So fuck it, let's go."

(the song is called "Boston Can Go Jump In The River." Pretty good but not great)

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're back to the Shaq Power Show! This is Shaq. How dat sound to yall? Pretty fucking fresh, if Shaq does say so. And he do. He do. Our guest today is Ron Harper, my old Laker teammate and now a motivational speaker for the University of Louisville. How't is, Harp?"

Good, Shaq. Good.

That's awesome, Harp! Those five rings still shiny?

Yeah, man. Damn shiny, Shaq.

Cool, young man. You know Harp, if you hadn't blown out your knee yall might have spend your whole fucking career playing for the damn Clippers. You even think about that, dude?

Shit, that's true.

The Clippers suck ass, Ronnie. You was lucky to bust that knee up. Let you play with MJ and Scottie. And me.

Cool. We were bad. No regrets.

Damn right. Rings talk and bullshit walks, mutherfucker. You alright, Ron Ron. Glad we got to play together.

Me too, Shaq. Me too.

Alright. Commercial time on the Shaq Power Show. Here's a word from our sponser, John Wall Carwash and Leather Emporium...

(commercial runs: "Hey DC. This here is John Wall. I have a chain of the very best in carwashes in the city. Ten bucks and we'll wash it, shine it, put gas in it, and buy you some groceries. Sound like a good deal? Fuck yeah. John Wall knows carwashes. We can't miss! jingle runs)

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're back! Shaq Power Hour, Hour 2. This is Shaq. Let's continue, shall we? We shall.


(it kinda goes on like this. you get the idea. Shaq has a face for radio. He'd be great at it.

Future shows:

Coach Dale Brown, Stanley Roberts, and Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf: Why we choked

Swept: The story of the '96 Orlando Magic

Acting Without Acting. Featuring Jason Alexander, Larry David, and Shaq. A wide ranging discussion of all things acting

Where's My Oscar?: Shaq pontificates on the state of movies and why they were better 15 years ago

Hi Gabby. Hi Mark.

No baby

No bad guys

No giving up

No chance for you guys to stop and pat yourselves on the back

=============

No Formula One for Gabby

No more Space Shuttlin' for Mark

Just family

And teaching

=============

No crying?

No no

Plenty of that

=============

In her arms

He finds a safe place

Been looking for a woman to hold him for a while

He found just that

In a strange place

I Think That The Kindest Thing...

...I can tell you folks today is Take the time to get to know yourself.

Your body, your brain, your tastes, your strengths, your faults, your loves and hates. Your family, your hometown. Everything that makes you unique.

===============

First off

If you love to fuck 10 year old boys, well, that's a bit of a problem. Because little boys do not have the capacity to tell you "No, don't do that to me." Consent and all that. But the tragedy and underlying truth of the sexual abuse of children or anyone else is that it is always (ALWAYS) the result of prior sexual abuse of the predator. No one is sick enough to invent that shit. It was done to them, to them, and to them before.

Otherwise, any kind of sex between consenting "adults" who respect each other's wishes is fine, and a good thing. There are consequences to our behaviors, but as long as people keep that in mind and take precautions, most anything goes. Two linebackers, two cheerleaders, a cheerleader and a linebacker. Whatever, man. Sex is a beautiful thing.

===============

Further

If you love to play basketball or hockey, do that. With joy and intensity and passion and commitment.

If you love to paint your toenails different colors, do that, even if some folks might make fun of it. Believe me, in the long run, they'll think you're really cool for doing your own thing.

Being a follower is such a bore, and a bad way to live.

All the popular kids in my high school were followers. All of them. They did what they thought they were supposed to do and shit hard on the kids who were different, "weird", out of the mainstream. Now Tina and I rule the world. Rule the fucking world, bitches.

==================

Dr. Ruth had the right idea thirty or so years ago: We all need to get to know our bodies much better. That means exploring every inch, in privacy, in detail. That is one of the most important things a young person of either sex can do for themselves. Your parents, friends, and relatives think that's stupid? Take a good hard look at THEM and ask yourself if they know what the fuck they're talking about, or are capable of any type of instructive honesty.

==================

Also

You think the military likes followers? Nope. New ideas keep us on top of the globe. There's always a new way to do things, a better way. If following was what the military wanted from our troops guys would be getting killed at the rates seen in World War I, when idiot leaders told followers to go over that hill. All those followers went over that hill. And all those followers got shot in the fucking head and died. Big waste. The military learned that leaders create solutions, not follow plans.

==================

Finally

Masturbation: Sex with someone that each of us can almost stand being around. Sometimes. Do it. I won't watch.

Bob Knight to Coach K: Drop Dead

UPI --

Dartmouth College is proud to introduce their latest men's basketball coach, Bob Knight. Coach Knight claimed in his introductory press conference that "This is entirely related to Michael's threatening my fucking record. Like I'm gonna take this lying down. Who we play tomorrow?"

Duke University had no comment.

What if Jesus Had Brothers?

John – born 4 BC

Jesus – born The Year Zero

Chris – born 4 AD

===============

School years

John – tall and skinny, didn’t like being the older brother, resented Jesus because, well, he was Jesus, was buddies with Chris though, went to private religious school, loved horse drawn carts, also loved to drink wine with the fellas from the neighborhood

Jesus – 11 pounds at birth, didn’t speak until 3, then asked, “Why is there air?", almost unhealthily thin and short, wore glasses, had a bad haircut, no friends in school because he was too shy and serious, soiled his underwear in first grade twice because there were monsters in the bathrooms, never ate school food because he brought a sack lunch with him every day, in fifth grade the school held a “what kind of farmer or carpenter do you want to be when you grow up?” fair at school, Jesus had no idea…play basketball at the University of Notre Dame at Jerusalem, maybe? His teacher told him that was not a realistic goal: “You’ll be a farmer just like your father, Jesus, Get used to the idea” Jesus never told anyone his dreams for a very long time, he got cut from the goat head soccer team in sixth grade, breaking his little heart, later Jesus went to a goat head soccer game held in Pelham to watch the other kids play. at the start of the second half one of little boys on the field said “Hey Jesus, you want my autograph? You can’t fucking have it, loser! Go make some bread, you little shit!” Jesus never went to another goat head soccer game, though he loved the sport passionately

Chris – cute baby, popular with other kids, plenty of girlfriends, good at sports, wanted to become a barber in Tel Aviv, was sick of small town Jerusalem and couldn’t wait to get out of town

===============

Work years

John: got kicked out of horse and cart building school for drinking too much wine, flunked his Roman Legion physical, went to work overnights at the local usury, worked hard and got promoted, began writing bank stuff on 50 pound blocks of granite, got good at it, other people who worked at the usery asked him if he would teach them to write good on 50 pound granite blocks, John moved around a lot, never got married, made a fortune in the 50 pound granite block business, moved to the coast

John: moved to Tel Aviv, found a job he loved, made many friends, enjoyed the good life

Jesus: moved to Damascus for a few years after graduating, thought it was a nice place, nice weather but a bit too hot for Jesus’ taste, nice people, funny accents, Jesus got very depressed and lonely, moved back in with his parents in Jerusalem, Jesus' Dad sent him to a therapist named Isaiah, who did his best but didn't help Jesus feel any better about himself, Jesus eventually ran into money troubles (being Jesus' is tough work, apparently), sent a 50 pound granite block to his brother John via UPS, got no response, asked his brother Chris for 10 pieces of silver, Chris said “no”, Jesus didn't know what to do next

To be continued

He Knew The Powers That Be

Bangor man, Boy Scout leader, found dead Sunday, suicide likely

================

So let me get this straight. The Bangor cops haven't had a chance to speak with the detectives assigned the case, but Senators Snowe and Collins get quoted in the newspaper article about the man's death? WTF?

This....man....apparently knew everyone who was anyone in the state. They are all sooooo very sad to see him go. I never heard of him, but I don't get out much. Don't spent too much time at Boy Scout sleepovers, that type of stuff. But that's me. I'm a busy guy, writing and stuff. Guess if I was a better person I would spend more time helping the less fortunate with their Boy Scout needs and stuff. I'll work on it.

The Most Selfish Act I've Ever Seen On A Football Field

David Nelson of the Buffalo Bills caught a short touchdown pass today to make the score Cowboys 21 - Bills 7. As soon as he had the ball in his hands he ran off the field and handed it to his girlfriend, a Cowboys cheerleader. A Cowboys cheerleader. This act was planned by Nelson for a long time and no one that knew him thought to say, "Boy, Thas dumb. Thas really dumb." Not one player or coach warned this guy that he would like the biggest dickhead in football by doing this and showing up his teammates and coaches, especially when the Bills were getting beaten so bad.

I am awestruck by the selfishness of this player. He's not much of a player, but he is supposed to be professional trying to win games for his boys. Nope, he wanted to get on TV. You got on TV, Nelson. Now you're a part of the history of the game.

For decades, and maybe even centuries, this will be known as the "David Nelson" game. 44-7, Cowboys? Who cares. David Nelson embarrassed himself, his teammates and coaches, the Cowboys, his girlfriend, and the game of football today by doing what he did.

No wonder the Bills have sucked for two decades (save for the Dougie year). Good luck in the draft.

Animal

Bats have a form of radar
Who shouldn't we, at some level?
Pretty girls know I'm checking them out
Bad guys know to run

===============

I've seen too much unexplained but true stuff
In my short time here
To not be convinced that energy, gravity, "the force"
Is real

It is not yet understood
Not even by your grandchildren's grandchildren
But something is there
Holding your feet to the ground
And the clouds in the sky
Something
Not good or bad, maybe indifferent
But powerful

==============

No, Tebow, that's not why you guys won today
Important explanations are never that simple

There is so very much going on in this universe
That we are clueless about

Thus
I have no advice on how to live a happy life
Or deal with our own and our children's mortality
I'm just finding this shit mighty interesting

===============

===============

inspired by "Like On Mars", by Tracy K. Smith

Top 8 Threats To Sink The Vinson Tonight

1) The Marine Corps -- Just to show off

2) Rick Perry Project -- The band plays while the ship goes down to make it look good, but we know who's really responsible

3) The Sutter Clan -- Johnny Law's been after 'em for a long time. Hid out in something called the "National Hockey League" for a few years, but they're back in the outlawing bidness

4) Al Qaeda -- Been trying to get Coach Izzo for years. The rest is peripheral damage

5) Penn State Alumni - Southern California Chapter -- Man, they're pissed about something. What, 8-1 isn't good enough for you guys?

6) MJ, Worthy, Doherty, Perkins, and Jimmy Black -- Want the Tar Heels to go down at sea in order to insure that the 81-82 squad remains the best Carolina team ever. Also, they hate Coach Roy. Who doesn't?

7) Under Armour -- There's a marketing play in there somewhere. Damned if I can figure it out. I mean, have you seen this year's football unis? Burial at sea is right

8) VP Biden -- He wants the job and will do anything to get it

Child Abuse

The question isn't what they did to those boys
But "what wouldn't they do?"

Six adopted children
One thousand players
Hundreds of assistants and staff
Millions of die hard fans
It's impossible right now to tell the guilty from the weak

Are you problem or solution?

Preseason -- ICU

Future Lakers

5 Andre Drummond
4 Micheal Kidd-Gilchrist
3 Terrence Jones
2 John Jenkins
1 Austin Rivers


Future Clippers

5 Patric Young
4 Perry Jones
3 Harrison Barnes
2 Will Barton
1 Jordan Taylor


There's a lot of eyeballs watching you, fellas. Don't choke.

Big Drug = Big Tobacco

It's that simple.

A Poem For You

Strong for me
Strong for you

Baby, I love you so much
A minute ago I forgot your name

You are just me
I am you
There is no end
There's just us

I was strong for you
Now you are strong for me

=============

Good News Wednesday

Kentucky looks too good. Coach Cal deserves the respect those kids give him. Believe it

Temple’s in big fucking trouble. 8pm EST

Carolina is back and bad

Dicky V: Still swingin’

Jay Bilas is on hand, so rest easy. Dude’s a lawyer, thus our problems are over

Pretty girls everywhere I look. I look hard, though

Undefeated? Nope. I lost the bet, but it’s a long season for NE

Coke machines crashing crashing over, more to come

Sunshine has come to the state of Maine for the day

The Bruins are scoring some damn goals for once

Mustache A/C reminds me of some great teams that I grew up watching on Channel 38. That music will wake me from my grave someday

Good movies are on the way (my kind of movies anyway)

CMAs tonight gonna rock and roll, too

JoePa

It appears Jerry Sandusky was one of the worst serial child rapists in America for the past forty years and Paterno knew it the whole time. Paterno lived with it in order to win football games and power. Once Sandusky was of no use to Paterno, Paterno fired him.

Joe Paterno, the most powerful man in PA.

It's Never Easy But Sometimes It's Good

Easy Ed Macauley has died, at 83 years young

Red traded Macauley and the Ice Capades for Russ, to the rascist Hawks, who wanted no part of a Negro genius. Ed? He wanted to go home. Red let it happen

11/13 (12/13 but for an ankle sprain)

Easy Ed; no one ever said a bad word about him. Shoulders like a girl’s. The Cs won a lot of games in the 50s with Ed, Cooz, and Sharman but needed someone special in the middle

Ed's passing makes me sad for the guys left, who must be hurting today. Their teammates dying. Wives getting sick. All that shit.

Larry Seigfried, a Celtic, died last year, too young

The Cs were and are a special group of fellas. Guys today have no idea. Apple fights on the road to Burlington. Two months of exhibitions all over New England against whomever had a gym and two hundred dollars. Red’s bad driving on the back roads of New Hampshire. Cooz up all night, every night. Shit. The front office? Red, Walter Brown, and a secretary. On a whim, Gene wanting to go to Isreal. Tough? Jungle Jim and everyone else: Fights every night, beers later. Tommy going on strike at the All Star Game: HEEL.

Today’s AAU Superstars have no idea. Playing the game for millions? The guys dying today made ten grand a year and worked as carpenters and insurance salesmen in the offseason. They were scared of not having the mortgage paid on time. They played for love of the damn game and the guys next to them

How many years does the great Cooz have left? Russ looks good; a life well lived. Success. Tommy is overweight and yells a lot. He's a bit scared, noble, and proud of what he’s done.

Almost all the Cs were successes in life after their ball stopped bouncing

And the owners let Larry take the last shot? A fucking travesty that I won’t ever ever forget. Tommy should have let it fly. It would have gone in, I believe

Celebrity Biggest Loser

Fat people who aren't famous? Fuck that. There's plenty of famous fat people, or celebrities who need to be in better shape. Or just want to be on TV. So here's what NBC has in store for next season's Biggest Loser...

=============

The Trainers...

Chris Evert, whose goal is to make each and every contestant cry each and every week. She's a tough broad. Don't mess with Chrissie.

Rickey Henderson: "Lose weight for Rickey!"


The Contestants...

Betty White: "Well....I guess I could do one more jumping jack, Chris. I'm pretty tired, though."

Kirsten Dunst: "Ok. Five more minutes. I guess I'm OK with that."

Kirstie Alley: "I am fucking famous, Rickey! Let me eat my sweet potato fries in peace, would you! Have you ever even seen 'Cheers'? I was the best thing on that damn show! I'm owed!"

Rachel Dratch: "Shoot my good side, please, guys. I need the work."

Brett Favre: "Hey Chrissie, can I get a massage? Tonight, 8:30?"


All the contestants are, of course, playing for charity: The Three Mile Hope for the Future Charity: ("We love to adopt!")


NBC: Still The Best

Future AA Group Names

The Portland Original Fags Group

Gay as One Group

Hitler Youth AA

Gay and Sober

God is Gay AA

SS AA:
"I’m Adolf and I’m an alcoholic. I took my first drink after the Beer Hall Putsch failed. What a day that was…"

"I’m Heinrich and I’m a gay alcoholic and I don’t care who knows it. I've sent many men and gypsies to their deaths, but I was always drunk when I did it. For that, I ask your forgiveness and understanding. I am sober today by the grace of God."

No Poles Allowed AA
Anti-Jewish AA
White Power AA
NAAAACP
Russian Mafia AA
9 And Above AA
Bitter and Sober
I Blame My Mom AA
Vietnam Vets Who've Killed People AA
(It’s funny if you’ve gone to aa for a while, probably not if you haven’t)

Remember

There will come a day
Not too far off
When someone will say to MJ
"Did you play, man?"

It's happened to Lenny Wilkins
To Paul Westphal
George Karl
Sean Miller
Rick Carlisle
and even Doug Collins

What will MJ say to that kid?

Penn State Scandal

SI story

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If my longtime DC was accused of this awfulness, I would move heaven and hell to defend him. Paterno, in the SI article, does NOT defend Sandusky. DOES NOT DEFEND HIM.

What would you do if one of your best friends was accused of fucking boys over several decades? I'd scream, "BULLSHIT!" Not Paterno.

That's a clue the prosecutors aim might be true.

LLL

No miracles

Just life

A trip

==========

I believe in Lindsay Lohan, and the rest like her

She can she can she can

==========

Do you know what it's like to hear planes flying overhead talking to you?

Do you know what it's like to forget how to drive a car?

I was I did I am

Does anyone else what it's like?

==========

Ellen and Ali were hated

Kennedy barely elected

Britney hospitalized

Coach Smith almost fired

Johnny U cut, and James Harrison, too

Never say never

Business As Usual in America

Missionaries travel to Haiti while
I see plenty of poor people here

Athletes worry about the next paycheck
While their life savings are being thieved

Politicians try to get elected
To jobs involving never ending campaigns
They owe they owe
Off to Washington they go

Clerks are forced to become salespeople
Trying to sell me something other than change and a smile
(No thanks)

All I ever wanted is thousands of miles away
I can't afford to go and get it

For today/tonight/tomorrow

Don't let them forget the real percentage
Of you and you and you
And who we are

Irony

I don't know the definition, but I know it when I see it:

==============

The Joe DiMaggio Children's Hospital is in Hollywood, FL. Really. This is a real place.

Hasn't anyone read Richard Ben Cramer's "Joe DiMaggio: The Hero's Life"? DiMaggio's first born, Joe III, died penniless in a trailer out west. Penniless.

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Other do-gooding institutions we need:

==============

Thurman Munson Top Gun School

The Ray Williams Mont Vernon, NY Motel and Campground -- Carry in, carry out

Reggie Williams Media Relations Camp -- advised by Coach John Thompson

Amy Sedaris Couples Counseling -- 50 years of experience in shaping lives

Hoda and Kathie Lee's Fitness Camp -- 30m 2x a week. Don't eat in between sessions

Pat Ewing's Art School -- based in ATL, classes meet 11pm to 4am, tipping of instructors encouraged (they work hard, fellas!)

Ohio University's Football Skills Academy -- We teach winning!

Gov. Mark Sanford's Appalachian Trail Club -- Bring a tent!

Coach Rex Ryan's School of Positive Thought -- Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity, you fucking pussies!

Warren Zevon Holistic School of Medicine -- No doctors, no drugs, just prayer

Ellen DeGeneres' American Idol -- El's version of the hit show, where no one gets voted off and general chaos ensues. At the end of the first season, our dear friend will learn the value of telling people to "get a fucking clue, worm"

Apt404 School for Writing Good -- We teach writing good

Black, White. I'm Sick Of It

The race question is as old as the country. But really, other than the few tens of thousands of immigrants from Southern Sudan, Nigeria, and a few other places, there are almost no 100% "black" people in this country. And probably white people and Hispanics, too. You can try to separate the races by color, but we're a melting pot nation. White people have been fucking black people for centuries. Deal with it.

Reality TV

Daytime talk is getting a bit same old same old.

The answer?

"Rickey!"

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The Oprah Winfrey Network is proud to announce their newest production, "Rickey!" Rickey Henderson's new one hour talk show. Starring Rickey!

The first episode? Bill Murray, Bruce, and Bette Midler are the guests.

Here's how I see it...

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"Mutherfucking Murray, what's up with the mutherfucking Japanese movies, man? What the fuck? Sheeet."

"Mutherfucking Bruce, what's up with the mutherfucking sad songs, cat? Huh? Rickey don't get that shit, man. Fuck you and your sad songs, mutherfucker."

"Mutherfucking Bette, what the fuck up, bitch? You can mutherfucking sing, BM. Damn, you is fine! Sing Rickey a song!"

==============

Reality television. Eating their young for two decades.

Robert California Backstory

meeting notes -- "The Office" preproduction - 11/2/11 10:11 am

=============

"Who exactly is Robert California?"

"Any ideas?"

=============

Grew up wealthy in Thousand Oaks, mother and father divorced when he was 10

Robert was an only child, no cousins

Sports came easy to him though he never practiced much
hockey, baseball, soccer, hurdles

Class President, Thousand Oaks East High, 1982, 1983, Captain of Baseball and Soccer teams '82,'83

Drama Club President '84, starred in class production of "Caligula"

Dropped out of high school fall of '85, unexplained reasons

Received GED from Pasadena Junior College in '86

Worked as Safeway checkout line bagger, spring of '86,
Charged with sexual harassment of fellow employee ("hands on her fruit" according to police report), fired with cause

Married English teacher from PJC fall of '86

Entered UCLA, spring semester '87 as Econ major, lived off campus, tutored Computer Science part time in evenings

Switched major to Philosophy, fall semester

Switched major back to Econ, spring semester '88

Graduated UCLA in three years (Class of '90) with 3.98 GPA, immediately moved to Manhattan

Worked three years as freelance writer in various low paying gigs, also had gigs as waiter and bicycle messenger

Named Associated Editor, Sports Illustrated for Kids, 1992

Promoted to Senior Editor, SI for Kids, 1993, due to untimely, unexplained death of predecessor

1995: Publishes philosophical treatise "You, Me, and God." Sells 500,000 copies in 6 months

Divorces 1st wife, June '96

Marries Mimi Rogers July '96

Attends Pepperdine Law, fall of '98 to spring '00, graduates first in his class

May '00: Invents iHanks: A portable device that lists any and all Tom Hanks films being shown on cable worldwide

Goes on motivational speaking tour of Midwest in August '00
Fellow speakers: 1) Marcia Clark , 2) Robert California 3) Tony Banana Hands

=============

"Is that it?'

"That's all I've got so far"

"You're up, Mindy..."

Gravity - There's No Defying It

It exists
We don't know how
Or why
Or when

We can't see it

It is the basis for everything

Why?

What?

Don't tell me you grasp everything there is to know

No one does

=============

We know less than 1% of what is knowable

=============

Humans, the rest
Are in the embryo stage of growth
And we will surely all move on
(To where?)
Before any answers are found

Maine Jokes

"Bangor? She's a lesbian!"

"Bangor? Why of course I would Bangor!"

"Bangor? We haven't even smooched yet!"

"Bangor? No, Augusta."

"Bangor? Used to be Massachusetts."

"Bangor? No, we're all homosexuals up here."

1911 2011 2111

"Tiger Mothers" In Asia create fact filled automotons who work hard at staying busy and staying out of trouble, doing what they're told, and pleasing their superiors/parents.

"Eagle Mothers" In the US and A create problem solvers and creative thinkers out of their children through a balance of play, sports, reading, thinking, and just doing a whole lot of nothing. That's the way kids should be raised. Maybe someday China will figure that out. Right now, they think stuffing knowledge down the throats of 6 year olds is the answer to our awesomeness. It isn't.

===============

I don't give a darn if 100% of Asian kids know trig at 9 years of age. Memorizing facts is a failed strategy of raising kids. Getting children to think on their own, to find what makes each person unique, what each young person's special gifts are, is better than reading the collected works of Shakespeare or Freud or any of that shit. Give me a point guard, a middle linebacker, and a standup comedian and I'll take my chances against anything China has to offer in this generation or the next.

===============

Tom Brokaw on "The Today Show with Hoda and Kathie Lee" this morning wondered what historians will think of our nation in a hundred years. Good question, but impossible to answer.

His query got me to wondering what to make of America in 1911. Women couldn't vote. Phones were rare. Tens upon tens of thousands of workers were killed every year in industrial accidents. Cars were still rare. There was no penicillin or mass sanitation. Fire departments were a joke. Ethnic strike was an accepted part of life in every city. The Civil War was only 45 years in the past, so veterans with missing arms and legs lived in every town and city in the country. There was no movie industry, no radio, no recording industry. The War to End All Wars was on the horizon.

Think times are tough now? Think about how your great grandfathers and great grandmothers struggled and tell me things aren't much, much better.

Look back to look forward.