"Why is there air?" -- A pretty damn good question.

Dan Wetzel of Yahoo! Sports, on NFL retirees/disabled

NYT's Katherine Q. Seelye, on the passing of Molly Ivins

Candidate Al Franken running for Senate in Minnesota

=====================================

The air is there for us all to share, we think.

How about you?

Coming to you from an undisclosed location, via YouTube

...Bruce....

this video NOT shot by a network.

"Memorable Quotes". Per IMDB.com.

Closing lines from "The Grapes of Wrath", running today on HBO.

---------------------------------------------------

Ma Joad as played by Jane Darwell -- "Rich fellas come up an' they die, an' their kids ain't no good an' they die out. But we keep a'comin'. We're the people that live. They can't wipe us out; they can't lick us. We'll go on forever, Pa, 'cause we're the people."

---------------------------------------------------

A good reason to stay awake in English class: You might learn something.

The impossibility of victory.

"From 1964 to 1972, the wealthiest and most powerful nation in the history of the world made a maximum military effort, with everything short of atomic bombs, to defeat a nationalist revolutionary movement in a tiny, peasant country -- and failed. When the United States fought Vietnam, it was organized modern technology versus organized human beings, and the human beings won."

--- from Howard Zinn's "A People's History of the United States - 1492 to Present."

====================================

1964 to 1972. Eight years of war and death. (Saigon fell in '75)

2003 to present. Nearing four years of the same.

====================================

Newsweek ran a story this week on the death of 12 members of the US military on 1/20/07 in a helicopter crash in Diyala province, likely caused by a hand held missile launched by an insurgent.

On that same day, 13 other US military died. Not as high ranking, but still US soldiers, and just as valuable to their buddies and families.

-------------------------------------------------

Would the media in this country try to have us believe that Colonels and Majors and ex-football players deserve cover stories when they die in war, but that the everyday grunts who do the bulk of the fighting, killing, and dying are relegated to local papers?

Headlines and cover stories in widely read newspapers and newsmagazines influence public opinion. And for the media to discover the Iraq War's impossibility of victory four years in is wrong and unconscionable.

Three thousand dead. More will die tomorrrow. And the day after.

The "Manhattan" List - Part I

From "Manhattan": (Six of the most meaningful lines ever recorded on film)

Isaac Davis as played by Woody Allen: "Why is life worth living? It's a very good question. Um... Well, There are certain things I guess that make it worthwhile. uh... Like what... okay... um... For me, uh... ooh... I would say... what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing... uh... um... and Wilie Mays... and um... the 2nd movement of the Jupiter Symphony... and um... Louis Armstrong, recording of Potato Head Blues... um... Swedish movies, naturally... Sentimental Education by Flaubert... uh... Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra... um... those incredible Apples and Pears by Cezanne... uh... the crabs at Sam Wo's... uh... Tracy's face..."

=====================================

Our List?

Um...

(Possibly only of value to "'Pent Insiders." But heck, you're here anyway.)


block parties on Fairway Drive: volleyball. hot dogs. "this road closed" signs. dusk. school tomorrow... darn.

asking Dad for the Globe every night at six. (Did he buy it at night just so we'd pilfer it when he came home?)

the basket in the driveway was 9 foot 10, but plenty high for us. hundreds and hundreds of hours. the skin splitting on our fingertips in December; painful but worth it.

pets and more pets. ours and the neighbors.

the grey house down the street which housed two families that were such a treat.

middle school down the road a ways. a long ways. the "in between years."

teachers who remember your name years later. how is that possible?

Bruins vs. Edmonton with Dad...why is there smoke on the water/ice?...this place stinks...this place is awesome...kasper...gretzky. cherry on top of the bench, yelling at the refs. (or was that the forgotten "rockies"?)... the b's always win, it seems. long drive home, but Dad drives that Maxima at maximum.

first game. Rockets. is it possible? 14 and 10. a win. and they're off and running... the way it's supposed to be.

hitting a homer in gym class between the shortstop's legs. man, do we have game.

mowing the biggest freeking lawn in Amherst. 30X50 or so. why us?

"you buy too much milk."

Mr G caring, and laughing. his little tiny car, honking every night as it passed by. that whole damn family.

halloween. some years, anyway.

never knowing what to expect.

knowing exactly what to expect.

why does Milbury want that poor bastard's Florsheim so bad? And why can't McNab pick on somebody his si... Well, at least someone who doesn't fight a whole lot? "Peter McNab." As good as "Montana. Rice. Touchdown." to these ears. My goodness, do we miss that sound.

student council? student council? thanks, man, but we voted for the chick.

the troubled kid down the street our Dad liked so much, driving that van that we envied so much. (it was the '70s)

Cos

the Doobies. their name meant nothing to us, but the sound was very all right.

middle school "graduation." will you sign my yearbook? why are the teachers crying?

We're bored of the games...

...as this "Wheel of Torture" continues unabated.

Who among us will cry "wolf", for once?

200 killed, 250 killed, 300 killed. A different number was given all weekend.

(Flashbacks)

The number doesn't really doesn't matter much.

There are millions upon millions. Are we going to kill them all?

No. We are not.

The Vietnam War caused the senseless deaths of tens of thousands of American military personnel, tens of millions of Vietnamese and other peoples of Southeast Asia. It also put an end to our nation's innocence.

This war may be killing America as we hope and pretend it to be.

====================================

Who will cry "wolves?"

====================================

Per today's New York Times, the only paper Apartment404 even thinks about trusting (Ok, sure, we love the PPH, too), since they are a stand alone company:

"250 Are Killed in Major Iraq Battle - January 29, 2007

BAGHDAD, Jan. 28 — At least 250 militants were killed and an American helicopter was shot down in violent clashes near the southern city of Najaf on Sunday, Iraqi officials said.

For 15 hours, Iraqi forces backed by American helicopters and tanks battled hundreds of gunmen hiding in a date palm orchard near the village of Zarqaa, about 120 miles south of Baghdad, by a river and a large grain silo that is surrounded by orchards, the officials said.

It appeared to be one of the deadliest battles in Iraq since the American-led invasion four years ago, and was the first major fight for Iraqi forces in Najaf Province since they took over control of security there from the Americans in December."

Just a fact, man.

We need money to operate.

The 'Pent Low Overhead Club, or Pent LOC (pronounced "lock") opens today, Monday, January 29, 2007.

Address:

P-LOC
Box 10491
Portland, ME 04104

------------------------------------------------

This Crazy World: The more things change, the more they stay the same.

from some site that should be downloaded to the Smithsonian...

--------------------------------------------------

Gilda Radner as Roseanne Roseannadanna on SNL's Weekend Update: "Why don't you just shut up and eat the cake? [Jane Curtin cautiously takes a piece of fruitcake and gives it a sniff while Gilda holds a letter in her hand] And, Mr. Feder, you pathetic person from New Jersey, I didn't forget about your problem. But, Mr. Feder, you gotta take the bad with the good. It's just like the holiday advice passed down to me by my grandmother ... [Jane pulls a long hair out of the fruitcake and looks disgusted] You can just throw that out...it still tastes good....Just like the holiday advice passed down to me by my grandmother, Nana Roseannadanna. [As Roseanne rambles on, Jane eats some of the fruitcake] She used to say, 'Life is just like a fruitcake. When you look at it, it's rich and sweet with honey and sugar and spice, tastes delicious, makes your mouth water and everything. But if you look at it real close, there's these weird little green things in it and all that and you don't know what it is!' [Jane looks alarmed] Merry Christmas, Roseanne Roseannadanna."

[Jane eats some of the fruitcake] Jane Curtin: "That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant holiday."

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [to Jane, taking a bite off the fruitcake] "This is good!"

====================================

Good, bad, but never indifferent: This is life on planet Earth for the strange people known as Earthlings.

Let's all take a deep breath, shall we?

=====================================

From this morning's Portland Press Herald...

"Dear (Advice Columnist distributed in hundreds of papers throughout the US):

I broke up with an ex over a year ago. He has since moved to another city and is in a serious relationship. I'm still in D.C., still at the same stupid job and have been through an assortment of mediocre relationships. Now, things were hardly bells and stars with him -- and he should properly remain an ex -- but we did get along very well. I find myself thinking about him way more than I should. To make matters worse, we've e-mailed lately. How do I knock this loser out of my head? And how do I stop feeling sucky about my own life in comparison to his?

Washington"


(Is this a real letter from a real person? The 'Pent will treat it as such)

Since the Syndicated Advice Columnist is restrained from telling this truly frightening woman (or man) just where they can stuff their "stupid job" and "mediocre relationships", due to the power of big business and the threat of pulling their "Sales" ads if they don't like what we read, Apartment404 is gonna step in and step up to the plate.

Hey Laaady. You are an idiot. Blaming others for your all problems is a short term/long term strategic mess.

Short term: it feels good to say to yourself, "why is the world filled with suckiness and losers who make my life so lousy?"

Long term, well, that's a strategy sure to lead to a lifetime of misery, heartache, and despair. People have some measure of control, at least here in the US and A. Don't like your boyfriend? Break the fuck up.

Don't like your job? Well, that's tougher. We've had jobs that helped land us in ja... I mean in supervised psychiatric environments. No really. Having $100 dollars in the bank certainly limits options, but what fucking choice do you have? Sit home sucking your thumb? Or trying to make the best of the only lifetime you'll get, sister. Find a new job. Live on the streets begging for change. Join the Peace Corps. Become a political consultant, even.

Do something. Do something.

Don't whine about how you are persecuted/prosecuted so much. Poor you? Oh, please.

Get on with it, "Washington."

Cuz you only go around once.

Stop looking for boogers and smell the roses, for crying out loud.

"Just what is in the Wendy's special sauce?" Sports items. Always sports items.

A) Dan Shaughnessy claims Minky needs an ankle monitor when he comes back 'round. We agree with that. No need for the bats to be locked up, though.

B) Damn right. Damn right.

C) Beano Cook wonders if Phillies season tix are included in the tour/sentence.

D) How many Hanson Brothers are there, exactly? Test tube Hansons, anyone? ("The NHL had an All-Star Game?")

E) "I don't know when I'll be able to run and jump (sigh)." We don't know either, Faker. White Waltons can't jump, dude (yeah, we know. but it was fun to try to rhyme).

F) It's sad, really. Fenway should be among the loudest ballparks in baseball when the Sox are pitching. At least when Francona gets into that bullpen.

G) "Do you have access to any fight videos from this century, Hank?" No. No, we don't.

H) Lowell and Tavarez? Can Theo give them memories of Buckner, Stone Face MacNamara, and 80 something years of misery, too? Cuz we'd like to get rid that. We're also roughly 100 pounds overweight. Can we trade that to the Rockies? How about our worn out VHS tapes of "Coach"? A gross of Celtics "Green #17" t-shirts? No need for those for a while.

-------------------------------------------------

Sports, again?

Well, we TRIED to go see "Notes on a Scandal," but a thunder and lightning freakstorm hit us right in the damn face on the drive over.

Or something like that.

We really need to get a blog.

List of blogisms.

1. We've been told we have a face made for blogging.
2. "Five Easy Blogs"
3. "Blog phone home."
4. Have you met my blog-in-law?
5. "Blogger Sue Got Married"
6. If you hurry, you can blog out that stain.
7. "It's a quarter to blog, and there's no one in the place."
8. We are just so blogged off right now we could spit.
9. van Blog cut his ear off for a woman.
10. "He'd blog us if he had the chance."
11. We promise we'll pull out mid blog.
12. Why are all the good blogs taken?
13. I shaved my blog off for her. She said it itched.
14. IBS
15. "I would, but I have to wash my blog tonight. Tomorrow, too. Yup." It gets old after a while.
16. The "Six Degrees of Blogeration" game.
17. We blog and blog and this is the thanks we get?
18. "B" Magazine.
19. Excuse me waiter, but we ordered the medium rare blog.
20. Yeah, but the blog didn't take.
21. "My blog. Look how they massacred my blog..."
22. "Blogs Off"
23. "The Blogfather III"
24. Great. Jussssst great. Now I can't get that fucking blog out of my head.
25. She'll only agree to blog me once a month. What a pain in the ass. Don't ever get married.
26. "Ever taken a blog that made you feel like you slept for a week?"
27. "Blog. Blog. Blog."
28. Monday Morning Blogger.
29. Is that a banana in your blog, or are you just happy to see me?
30. We put our blog on one leg at a time.
31. Thanks for the blogs...
32. "Maybe the blog ate your baby?"
33. Don't worry, Sarge. It's just a flesh wound: They shot us in the blog.
34. Can't wait to get us some blog implants. Then we might get laid.
35. "Blogging in the Dark."
36. "The Blog on the Highway"
37. Nice blog flow!
38. Nice blog, Matthew.
39. Maalox. For when your blog is cramped and bloated.
40. "Blogs"
41. "Blogwear IIlustrated"
42. Can you roll me a big fat Marley blog?
43. How much for a two fingered blog, Professor?
44. "Blog in America"
45. Sir, can you sign my blog? No? ...Asshole.
46. I never liked their blog anyway. Too mean.
47. I'll never wash this blog again, so help me.
48. Blog O'Reilly
49. Blogazon.com. For everything under the sun.
50. We always wanted to blog, actually.
51. We're gonna need final blog approval, or we walk.
52. "Dr. Blog: Or How We Stopped Worrying and Learned To Love the Bomb"
53. "Dirty Blogging"
54. The 7 Blogs of the Ancient World
55. That actress is so dumb she slept with the blog.
56. "Blog vs. Blog"
57. The New England Blog Men of the NASL.
58. There's absolutely nothing to do in Maine but blog.
59. When the power goes out, nine months later you can be sure a lot of blogs will be born.
60. Life just blogs.
61. B.B. Blog. Man, we love B.B. Blog.
62. You should ask her out. She'll blog you on the first date, guaranteed.
63. "Uma, Blog. Blog, Uma."
64. Read the classics, like "Huckleberry Blog", for example.
65. My blog is 10 inches long! No, really. Really.
66. "The Taking of Blog One Two Three"
67. "Blog School High"
68. King Blog, 1933.
69. King Blog, 1976.
70. King Blog, 2005.
71. "Bet you $50 he picks his blog, then eats it."
72. "Blog '75"
73. Blog2 singing "I Will Follow." The best.
74. "Mighty Blog Young"
75. Trivial Blog: The board game for bloggers.
76. "Blog Your Enthusiasm"
77. "101 Blogmations"
78. "Mean Blogs" (78b: "Mean Blogs")
79. "The Blog That Ate Pittsburgh"
80. Clean up your blog right now, young man!
81. If we've blogged you once, we've blogged you a thousand times. Wash your hands before dinner!
82. "Blog Space"
83. "Blogfeld"
84. "Blog!"
85. "Dead Blog Walking"
86. "Rolling Blog"
87. Offense looks good, but defense wins blogs.
88. We consider ourselves the luckiest bloggers on the face of the Earth.
89. He's considered the next great blog hope. It's all hype, though.
90. "Blogs de Piedra", or "El Blog".
91. Blogging does a body good.
92. "Blogged in America"
93. "A Night at the Blog"
94. The Blog: America's Finest News Source. (94b: Blog! News)
95. "The Blog Repor"
96. Blogball, by Micheal Lewis
97. Excuse me for making blog.
98. That looks like a very serious blog. You'll have to have that removed at once, young man.
99. "Pump Up the Blog"
100. We want to move to Blogborough eventually. A nice ocean front place, with a pool. Yeah.

...Did You Know?

---- That ESPN's website might as well be in braille. It's impossible to get anywhere quickly, and 90% of the stuff is off limits. Come on, Worldwide Leader. (EDIT: SI.com, too. What's next? FJM.com (FireJoeMorgan.com [the ex-Red, not the ex-Red Sox ] )? Their graphics department is overworked already, goshdarnitall.)

---- That the Era of "Wicks and Rowe" doesn't look half bad about now for Celtic fans. ("Ricks and Woe?")

---- Tracy McGrady is playing some damn ball.

---- Boston College athletics, as the city's fifth franchise, has given New England a lot of special memories. More than their share, considering they make most of the kids study. We remember...
...Penn State and 'Bama going down out in Foxboro.
...Glenn Foley almost taking out Miami on a Thursday evening late in the year.
...Army up late. Flutie. BC wins! (on our radio)
...The noise at Roberts Center on Saturday afternoons, with the sunlight in players eyes (yes, it's true).
...Dana, from all over the place at Pitt's crappy old gym. He. Could. Not. Miss.
...The Eagles winning big at Conte Forum for Skinner. Troy Bell exploding freshman year, and leading sophomore year.
...DeOssie with the short arms and big heart. Ruth too.
...Adams off the bench, through DePaul's legs, and into a long NBA run. He was a thrill.
...Shawn Halloran trying hard. And succeeding, pretty much. Man, he threw a pretty ball.
...Two basketball teams that were loved in Mass, but could easily have been fondly remembered around the country. 83 = They should have been in the Pit, though you can't much argue with what went down. 85 = They should have made it Four at the Rupp FF from the nastiest conference ever.

...We don't know the what's and the why's, but Iona's Jeff Ruland, from a distance, deserves another year at least.

...Lance Thomas apparently doesn't like to pass very much. Nice choice, kid.

...This Coach deserves a coordinator's job if he wants one.


What else. What else.

...Do not throw this dear woman any "surprise" parties for any reason. She is America.

...Broken bones from taking antidepressants? Shit, not a surprise. They have quotas to meet in those psych wards, don't they? Or are they just paid by the wound?

...Financing pectoral implants and liposuction? Yes, it's just that easy!

Yahoo? News -- America's Finest Newsource. Um, yeah.

Just

what

is

going

on

here?

Am

we

right, people?

...

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

If you aren't, you damn well should be.

"Mike! The Mike Lupica Story." Starring Nathan Lane.

Mike! -- A Trage-Drama in 3 Acts:

---- Act I: The Rise.
---- Act II: The Slow Descent.
---- Act III: ESPN's "Sportwriters!" weekly appearances.


Produced by Mirimax, a sub-division of Disney Studios.


Directed by Sly Stallone, in his triumphant return to moviemaking.

Starring Broadway's eternal leading man, Nathan Lane. Viggo ("not macho enough") and Ed Begley, Jr. ("too macho") were also considered, but when the great Al Pacino was bumped ("too much height" per Harvey), Sly gave Nathan a shot. Lane went through months of prep work on Mike!'s unusual style of speaking, and nearly has it down.


The Plot

---- Act I: Mike!'s first reporting assignment, at Shea Stadium in 1964. He's asked several times by more senior writers at the game (Mike! barely reached the "You must be this high to enter the Press Box" bar) to fetch 'em cigarettes, coffee, cigars, and Maalox refills. He complies. Mike!'s first attempt at a game summary ran 4,000 words. The editor of the Bergan Daily Bugle cuts it down some, and Mike! was a professional sportswriter.

---- Act II: Mike! conquers Bergan. Then Newark. Then Staten Island. And then, he hits the big time, landing a columnist gig at the New York Post, where he could serve at the hands and feet of New York's word master-smith, Dick Young. Though it took two years for Young to learn Mike!'s first name, he took a liking to the youngster, and let Mike! buy him his daily supply of cigarettes, coffee, cigars, Maalox, and bagels. Mike! was quite pleased with himself, though he wanted more out of life/work.

---- Act III: Mike! reaches pinnacle: Mike! becomes the most mportant, most respected, and most read sports columnist in the Five Boroughs. To celebrate, a Comedy Central Comedy Roast is planned, for "Catch A Rising Star" in Brooklyn. Scheduled to host is Comedian/Former Radio Personality Marc Maron. Among the superstars scheduled to appear are Randy Jackson, who will read some of his poetry (not expected to be funny), and Dane Cook, who will be followed by the standup comedy headliner, Louis C.K. The evening goes well, and Mike! is pleased. Following the high of that night, Mike! immediately begins a thorough search for more lucrative employment, while still fulfilling his contractual obligations to The Worldwide Leader's "Sportwriters!" He shows up at 10:52 Sunday morning for the 11am taping. The other panelists, jealous of Mike!'s fame and power, tend to ignore what he has to say, but Mike! will not be denied his right to shout his mind each Sunday morning. After a decade of strong numbers, "Sportswriters!" falls in the raings, and is cancelled. Mike! is sad, but vows to continue telling people what he thinks.

"We ain't too proud to..." -- CyberRevenueEnhancement.

Because everyone deserves a really, really nice microwave.

Give till it almost hurts.

Our cut is twice last years.

Kapler and his wife Lisa are so very cool.

That first day, when Gabe was God, was a sign of good things to come.

One of Varitek's favorite teammates. And one of our favorite Red Sox.

They say we look like him, too. Though we're not so sure about that.

What a day that was....

The Onion

#1
#2
#3
#4


Sports Illustrated and SI.com

Zimmerman column
From this week's issue, Chris Ballard's "Dealing with Rejection."


New and Recent Books
new Vonnegut... Haven't read it yet, but hey...
new Kriegel, this one on Pistol Pete. Waiting on Amazon...
Spy: The Funny Years

Apartment404's first annual "Knights of the Blog Table" discussion, with three respected members of the sportswriting world.

Blogtable Participants

King Peter -- Senior Writer for Swimsuit Illustrated. King Peter is known principally as the father of a member of the US Junior National Candlepin Bowling team, but he also writes a six times a week column for SI called Monday Morning Quarterback: Wednesday Mid-Morning Edition, Thursday Late-Afternoon edition, etc.. MEQWMME is considered a must read by all swimwear fans.

Bobby Nonbudsman -- Sports Columnist for the Boston Brahim. This columnist, whose claim to fame is his groundbreaking coverage of the New England Tea Men soccer team in the 1970s, was a member of the New England Sportswriting Hall of Fame's inaugural class of 2006. He was joined by Gerry Callahan (voted in by the Retired Too Early Committee), Mike Barnicle (Sports Fiction Department), and Doris Kearns Goodwin (Contributors Section). It was Bobby N's idea to write a detailed account of an actual pro soccer game. And though the book sold well, "5,400 Seconds" disappointed Mr. Nonbudsman's many followers in that it was boring as hell.

"Little SportsFan" Danny O'Reilly -- Sports Columnist for the Boston Brahim. Known for his best selling book, "Speaking Power to Truth: How to Succeed in the Business World", Danny writes a twice weekly sports column for Ye Olde Boston Brahim Daily Reader, the most respected, historic, and stale newspaper in all New England. He enjoys fishing, hunting, and competing in triathlons in his spare time.

=====================================

404 -- Hi guys. Thanks, King and Bobby, for traveling all the way up here to Portland. The time and effort is appreciated. Let's first say that never, ever has there been such a bunch of cr....

(door opens)

Danny -- ... Sorry I'm late folks. Just got off the cell phone with the big man, John Henry. We were tossing around ideas about how we...I mean the Red Sox, can improve their bullpen. I thought that maybe, just maybe El Guapo had a few fastballs left. JH said he'd consider my idea. Wow, is he a great guy!

404 -- Glad you could show, Danny. OK, gang's all here. First question; why does the Brahim's web site suck so bad? I spend a week there yesterday afternoon trying to find an article on BC basketball. What gives?

Danny, and Bobby, in unison -- Not our fault! Not our fault! Blame the bigwigs down in Providence. You know that town runs most of New England. Shoot, we can't fart without permission from Providence.

404 -- Ok, understood. We know what's it's like to have to deal with thoughtless troublemakers in positions of authority, so fine. The Pats season is over, memorable and heart wrenching as it was. The Celtics and Bruins are done, basically. Just what is a Boston area sports fan supposed to look forward to in the coming months?

King -- I can't wait for the NFL Draft. I eat that stuff up. After that, well, I'm a huge NBA fan, so the playoffs and then the NBA Draft are always fun. Other than that, hell, Boston sports ain't got much going on. BC football has spring practice, then the opener against Maine Maritime in September. Really, I'm from Jersey, so Boston sports isn't all that interesting to me.

Danny -- Yeah, I agree. It's going to be a long summer. Although, we at the Brahim have gathered some "insider" information; the Red Sox are installing a dome over Fenway Park. They're going to call it New Fenway Field, and Janet Marie Smith is claiming they'll seat more than the Patriots when they're done. Thirty thousand Club Seats! Awesome!

Bobby -- A dome over Fenway? Really? I hadn't heard that. When was this announced?

King -- Oh, yeah. The Red Sox. Completely slipped my mind. I was thinking about candlepin bowling techniques and strategies. Fascinating sport that candlepin bowling. Lots of high school kids get scholarships out it. Can you believe it?

404 -- Yeah, we have a second cousin who got through Rutgers on a bumper car full boat. Back to the interview. We here in the Apartment are always interested in what and who influences people that we respect.. Let's start with you, King. Who did you read when you were growing up?

King -- When I was a boy, I loved to read Mike Lupica. Man, that was a long time ago. He was terrific, just nailed everything. Yeah, those were good times.

Bobby -- I didn't read much as a kid, actually. More of an outdoorsman. Lots of nature walks, camping, and hunting stuff. A normal childhood. Once I entered Berklee Musical Academy, well, the thought of opening a book was the last thing on my mind. Studying the recorder is a full time deal. But I mastered it, didn't I?

Danny -- My favorite authors as a kid were Ayn Rand, Faulkner, and Dostoevsky. You know, the stuff Groton kids read to impress college recruiters.

404 -- Smart move, Danny. Trying to read Faulkner is a real pain. You know it's impressive, but fucking impossibly long and hard to follow what he was talking about. Congrats.

Danny -- Hey, Apartment, I have a question for you: what gives with the whole "'Pent" bullshit? I happen to know you and your staff work in a dumpy, dark place up in the wilds of Maine. And how dare you pass judgement on us Brahimites and Swimsuit Illustrated writers. We run things, and you have no right to question us.

404 -- Sorry, Danny. Most of the staff have a lot of free time, since we get fired a lot. That and the whole "home base" thing is a major concern. To be honest, we will think fondly of The Brahim, Channel 5, Bob Lobel, Dana Kersey's Movie Loft, Joe Fitzgerald, and Charles Laquidera, to name just a few of the folks and institutions we grew up reading, watching, and listening to in southern New Hampshire. It's quite cool to have the internet, iPods, sand instead of salt, and all that. But we miss the smell and sight of the smoke wafting over center ice at the Garden, the ass numbing hardness of the benches at Schaefer/Sullivan/Foxboro, and a domeless Fenway. Christ, we here in the 'Pent are getting old. Probably going to need script for Rogaine and Viagra pretty soon. Damn.

King, Danny, and Bobby, in unison -- What the hell! Thought YOU were interviewing US, 404. We drive all the way up I95 in 0 degree weather and we have to see you, your staff, interns, and the cooking crew all lose it like this? We have better things to do than reminisce about guys like the everlasting Gary Doak, Charles "Atlas" Bradley, Don Blackman kicking ass in a Pats uni, or the green green Fenway grass that takes a young kid's breath right out of their body. Get with the program. New Fenway Field is being finished as we speak. The Bruins and Celtics owners really don't care much. And the Patriots can't win it every year. Shit, let's go eat a late lunch. We're outta here...

404 -- Sure you guys won't stay? UCLA is playing tonight. They kick ass. Play the game the right way. No?

King -- I gotta get back to Jersey for my kid's frigging tournament of something. It never ends.

Danny -- Nope. I have a column due at 8 o'clock. What time is it? Almost 7:45, right? I'm gone.

Bobby -- My UMass-Lowell alumni group is having a get-together down in Lynn somewhere. I'll get directions on the drive down. Thanks for having us up, though. Christ, this place is tiny.

404 -- ....Bye.

This simply cannot be true. This simply cannot be true.

Mary Lou Retton turns 39 today.

Happy Birthday to America's former sweetheart, responsible for some of the most memorable moments at the most memorable Olympic Games, Los Angeles 1984.

As long as we here in the 'ol apartment calibrate our daily intake of Procramital, those precious memories and so many others like will help get us through the days when living in the moment kinda sucks.

Thanks so much, Mary Lou...

Southwest Maine Medical Center: Providing the finest medical care in southwest Maine

1/24/07

Press Release -- For immediate distribution to New England media.

Southwest Maine Medical Center is pleased to announce the opening of its new "Betty Rizzo Restless Leg Syndrome Trauma Treatment Center."

The center, under construction since Spring 1993 and recently completed, will provide 100 beds for customers, employ two dozen full time MDs, two part time DOs, 40 nurses, and three support staff (all of whom consider themselves lucky indeed), and will offer Southwest Maine sufferers of the dread syndrome the very latest and most expensive in Restless Leg Syndrome treatment, rehab, and support.

Mrs. Rizzo, the "First Lady of American Community Theatre" and known to her family and employees as "America's Great Grandmother", was heard at the gala opening informing Rizzo staff, "Everybody is so overwhelmed by your hospitality and service, and so many of our customers in Southwest Maine have told me, you know, that this is going to work out very, very well for them. They are truly glad to have a modern treatment center for their legs."

Mission Statement for the Betty Rizzo Center:
(1) Collaborative delivery of integrated health care services to Restless Leg Syndrome Sufferers
(2) Promotion of Leg Health
(3) Education of caregivers in the principles and practices of healthcare for Legs
(4) Advancement of the knowledge and care of Legs through clinical research
(5) Treatment of and billing for complex medical and surgical syndromes in a tertiary care facility


A Brief Bio of Mrs. Rizzo

Betty was born to famed media mogul and philanthropist Marvin Pierce and his wife Penny in 1925 in Potato Bread, Maine. Mr. Pierce, the founder of "People" magazine, was a University of Cincinnati graduate (general ed program) who often told his family that "I'm fair, I tolerate children, and I adore 'People' magazine."

Young Betty attended public schools throughout her childhood, and met her future husband, Kelly Rizzo, in 1945. They were married in a beautiful ceremony at Hampton Beach, NH, and subsequently made their home in Bar Harbor, Maine. Mr. Rizzo made a fortune in the hospitality services field, and Mrs. Rizzo was able to devote herself to her children and community theatre. Now that her children are almost fully grown, Betty spends several hours per month promoting her favorite charities, among them the "Betty Rizzo Foundation", which promotes literacy in Vermont, New Hampshire, and Southwestern Maine, and the "Mrs. Betty Rizzo Foundation", which promotes literacy in West Texas, though much work remains to be accomplished in that area.


Caring for today's Restless Leg Syndrome Sufferers tomorrow.

At the Betty Rizzo Center we believe we hold Southwest Maine's future in our palms. We do almost everything possible to live up to that responsibility, and are proud to educate a new generation of doctors, nurses, and even support staff.

Moses Camp -- Multer brie free for fersik years!

Parents of Jewish children, ever think to yourselves, "God gave us this son/daughter; how do we train it?"

Well, here's the answer to your many tfiles...

The fortieth annual Moses Camp, located at the New Grossinger's Catskill Resort Hotel in New York state, offers a wide variety of opportunites for your bocher and meidl's growth, both spiritually and financially.

For example...

Our Mel Brooks Temple/Casino is open 24/7 to meet your praying and betting needs. No child will be turned away, and credit is offered freely through our Jerry Stiller Halwoe Program.

In addition, all camp attendees will be required to participate in a rigorous and uplifting exercise program each morning from 9:00am to 9:20am, though passes will be offered should some masldik opfal get on a real hot streak at the Mel Brooks.

The daily routine, aside from the post exercise nap time (9:21am to 11:00am), will be as follows:
--- 11:30 - 12:00 noon: How to beat the markets: Getting rich the Jewish way.
--- 12:00 - 1:30: Lunch.
--- 1:30 - 2:00: Coffee and pastries served in the Camper's Lounge.
--- 2:00 - 5:00: "Getting into the Right Dental School" class.
--- 5:00 - 7:00: Kawe and Kuchl.

Scheduled to appear at a mid-week "meet and greet" will be the famous Jewish Movie Star, Natasha Lyonne. Ms. Lyonne will be autographing DVD's (which can be purchased at the Mel Brooks. limit four per camper) of her famous Jewish comedy films, "The Slums of Beverly Hills" and "American Pie."


=====================================

In addition, Moses Camp offers the campers of both sexes the chance to cheer on their favorite camp counselors, who make it an annual rite of passage to participate in the Abe Vigoda Inter-Religious-Indoctrination Camp Intramural Counselor Sports and Chess League.

Moses Camp's first game of the week is usually Wednesday evening against the always formidable counselor squad from Jesus Camp, who will be flying in from whatever planet they are currently orbiting, God bless 'em.

Gene Upshaw does not act alone. "We're all Watusi."

A post sparked by Monday's edition of HBO's "RealSports with Bryant Gumbal", the best news program on television.

=====================================

Former Buffalo Bills guard Joe DeLamielleure took his pension at age 45 because that was when he needed the money. He gets $992 per month. A MLB player with a similar career span who collects at age 45 would get $6,000 per month. If DeLamielleure, who played 13 seasons and entered the Hall of Fame in 2003, had waited until he was 55, he would have gotten about $2,200 per month, according to ESPN. If former Washington cornerback Darrell Green, who played 20 years, decides to collect at age 55, he'll get the largest pension in NFL history: $69,660 per year.

-- this per Oakland Tribune citing ESPN's always relevant "Between The Lines."

---------------------------------------------------

The current players in the nation's most popular and wealthiest professional sports league had better take a closer look at Jim Otto and what his life has been like for the last several decades. Dozens and dozens of surgeries, unending pain in every joint presumedly, and a pension that isn't enough to cover a half way decent medical plan (medical is NOT part of the current NFLPA deal for retired and disabled former members).

This icon of the AFL, the great Raider tradition, and all that is supposedly right with playing hard and playing hurt must lead a extraordinarily difficult life right now. All the backslapping and friendly waves he receives on the way up to Al Davis owners' box every week likely do zilch to dull the pain and ease the immobility, as well as the knowledge that his health will likely only decline from this point.

He's one of the great football players, and the way he has been treated, as well as so many others, may be the biggest scam in American sports history, because the NFL pie is so big and there are so many millions of eyeballs watching and doing nothing to this point.

"Sports Illustrated" a few years back ran a remarkable piece on the decline in health of several former players. And what's happened since? When the most read sports magazine hits us all the face with a major, major scandal, we all, and specifically the current players in the NFL, must admit that we didn't care enough to take some kind of action. Everyone feels horrible for Earl Campbell's declining health. But what is to be done to aid him and the thousands to follow?

This just ain't right, and is a really a whole lot of wrong.

Every sport we have sees this type of exploitation, save maybe baseball (pussies...), whose players strike once a decade or so. They have a fucking union, Upshaw. Marvin Miller is one of the greatest labor leaders in our country's history. Though his footprint is small in terms of members being affected, he and his men showed what balls and nerve can accomplish.

The big money players in the NFL owe it to their teammates to get this shit rectified.

That's truly what being a teammate is all about, one would think.

=====================================

Some links, in no particular order. Read and discuss, if you like.

1
2
3
4
5

---------------------------------------------------

Fellas and fans, ya gotta turn "We didn't know..." into "We did something good for each other."

The NFLPA members are all adults with families. How will you explain this crap to those family members tonight, next year, five years out?

And who will help you in your time of need, which is surely coming.

It's supposed to feel bad.

"Hey yose guys... you can take your trophy and shove it straight up your ass!" -- Second Baseman and horrible loser Tanner Boyle, "Bad News Bears."

=====================================

Has there ever been a New England professional team quite like the 2006 New England Patriots? We're racking our brain(s) here, trying to come up with a comparison.

14 wins in the NFL is a lot of damn wins. That should help every player and coach on pro sports model franchise feel jusssst a bit less hurtful this morning. Okay, maybe about .000257% less hurtful. But still, "progress, not perfection", as they say.

======================================

Now THAT was a season.

======================================

It's not often in the NFL that you can say that each player on the roster contributed something good to the effort. From an outsider's perspective, we think it may just be true of the '06 Pats.

New receivers winning Divisional Playoff games. New kickers absolutely kicking the snot out of the football. Old hands doing what they do better than any players of their ilk in league history. Lineman scoring touchdowns. Future Hall of Famers playing with one arm. Future Pro Bowlers dominating the interior line on both sides of the ball. A bunch of tight ends kicking serious ass in every way. Secondary personnel doing whatever it takes to get the job done. Guys getting hurt left and right, and backups becoming starters, becoming future stars. Linebackers who gave it their all, and will not be forgotten. Quarterbacks who can play a bit.

A special team.

=====================================

Following yesterday's game, team VP Jonathan Kraft distributed a press release announcing that the Patriots were pleased to have singed Carl the Kangaroo of Melbourne to an unprecedented $251 million, 251 year contract to become the team's backup punter, in case the outstanding Josh Miller is not healthy by season's start. Carl is a long time star in the Australian Rules Football League, a legend actually. (Though he hasn't been too good lately.) And he's married to one of Australia's most famous..... Well, his wife is extraordinarily famous.

So we have that to look forward to.

Which is nice.

This just in.....

General Pinochet is still dead.

In other news, Lovie Smith will become the first African-American Head Coach in a Super Bowl game.

Now, that's pretty cool for him, though a milestone that is long, long overdue.

A day to be joyous and regretful at the same time. Because as one head coach said, and forgive us and our Coronas for forgetting who, (Smith) is simply the first man to get there of his race, but dozens could have and should have had the chance years earlier.

Good on ya, Coach Lovie Smith...

----------

Edit 1/22/07 -- Tony Dungy makes two. NOW we have a reason to watch a game we don't give a shit about.

Follow the #'s: B's lose to Sen's last night at (new) Garden.

From smallest to largest...

0 -- number of goals scored by Bruins in first period.

0 -- number of goals scored by Bruins in second period.

0 -- power play goals for Boston in six opportunities

0 -- goals scored by B's in final period.

1 -- number of penalties for Zdeno Chara

2 -- shots on goal for "Lurch" Chara

3 -- goals for Senators in game. they won 3-0

18 -- total shots on goals by the B's last night

33:04 -- number of minutes played by ... Mr. Chara (not our favorite B at the moment. a lot of money is being spent on a 6 foot 9 inch "Paul Coffey at 40" type defenseman. not what we'd call a bargain. guess the hype over the summer was just that; hype

38 -- number of shots for Ottawa

17,565 -- number of seats available at (new) Garden for hockey

17,565 -- number of fans in attendance. Boston luves hockey, apparently. who knew?

approximately 35,000 -- number of tears shed on ride home following shutout loss

Last Post of what was a heeeeeell of a day here in Portland.

if you take any of this shit seriously, or are worried that some top secret info will be revealed by the apartment404 staff, you are truly a pinhead(s).....don't worry, your secret(s) is safe with us....we won't tell anyone....(they already know)....sleep well....

Guest Blogger tonight, sports fans. Let's hear/read what he has to say...

"...Thanks, Hank. Eric Von Vinceson of KXXV-TV ("Waco's Window to the World") here to bring you up to date on the state of Big 12 Women's Basketball, specifically this afternoon's Kansas State Wildcats vs. Baylor Bears game.

First off, man those refs sure sucked. Am I right, people? Who is that burly guy with the shaved skull, and why did he make every single call, seemingly? He was whistling offensive fouls under the basket when he wasn't even in the frontcourt. Was that guy ever bad. They had three uniforms out there, but really, the bald guy made every call, a lot of them wrong. Wow.

Glad I got that off my chest, Hank.

The Bears took charge in the last four minutes of the first half through pressure defense and good shot selection, led at the break by 7, and won 79-70.

To digress, though, why do people still insist in calling female athletic teams "Lady XXX's" in 2007? We know they're women. It ain't that tough to tell. If I can make a suggestion to the entire nation, just call 'em Bears, Tigers, Bulls..... Well, you got me there, but still my point is pretty valid.

In the second half, the Wildcats cut Baylor's working margin of a dozen or so down to two with two minutes to play, but got no closer.

Baylor (16-3 on the season) senior center Bernice Mosby led all scorers with 29 points as well as 10 rebounds in what may have been her finest game of the season, her first in Waco.

Kansas State was led by the fine play of freshm....um, first year player post player Ashley Sweat, whose promising inside/outside game bodes well for the Wildcats, though she might want to lose the "Mikans." They ugly.

A nice crowd was on hand, announced at over 7,000. They were loud throughout, though much of the noise was directed at the ref with the shaved head and his terrible officiating.

So to sum up, the Bears won, had by far the better looking uniforms, had a lot more energy in the last 25 minutes of the game, and are now 3-2 in conference.

One habit we Waco media types have developed over the past few seasons is naming and rating what we call "The Many Faces of Mulkey." Man, can this Coach produce some truly hilarious facial expressions on the sideline. And that's when they're ahead. We don't look her way when Baylor is behind. Can't even imagine what THAT looks like. Today's game was only about a 6 on the Mulkey Meter. Can't wait until tournament time. Here's some of her best faces from today's contest, listed in order of appearance:

Key : (Number) "Title" -- Description

(1) "Agony" -- We get THAT guy again? He is just terrible. Makes every call no matter what. Wow.
(2) "Whaaaaa?" -- Coggins just make a 33 footer? No way.
(3) "I beg to differ with your choice of fouls, Mr./Mrs. Ref! I truly beg to differ!" -- Self explanatory.
(4) "Keep shootin'." -- Summary of every halftime speech ever made by Coach Mulkey. Actually, this is great stuff for players to hear.
(5) "Why me? Why me?" -- Voice in Coach's head whenever first shot of second half is missed by one of her players. Humans are truly walking contradictions.
(6) "Hey, there's a lightbulb that needs replacing up there. And there's another one! Dang, there's a whole bunch up there that need to be changed!" -- Voice in Coach's head when she gazes upward. This happens approximately four dozen times a night.
(7) "They're heating the basketballs again." -- Said to self when that K-St player missed 2 freebies in the first half. That "quick shot" is just about the worst free throw technique this side of Shaq, since you're depending on a Lex Luther look-alike to throw the ball just where you like it. Refs are devious folks, and will mess with you when the score is tied with a minute to play by bouncing the ball off your shin, kid. Calm down and bounce the ball twice. Then shoot.
(8) "Just when exactly are pig-tails gonna come back in style? Like, 2027? I can't wait that long. Gosh, I miss 'em." -- Coach Mulkey may try to fool others, but she has dozens of pix in her possession somewhere of those long ago days at La-Tech, when she kicked ass. Wearing pig-tails. Cool.

So, Bears win. That's the story from Waco, Hank. Back to you up in Maine."

=====================================

Disclaimer : Now obviously, we here in the 'Pent don't have the funds to hire a guest blogger anytime anywhere. Especially one who works for Fox. And since our Internet Blogger License (IBL) is up for review by the Bloggers Guild of America next week, this whole charade was probably pretty damn stupid.

Sue us, BGA.

AP article on tomorrow's Big Game in the 'Nap.

From AP News 1/20/07 - Fans wait in light precip. for Patriots-Colts championship tickets. Game to be played Sunday at Hoosier Dome.

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) Dozens of rapid Colt fans waited in a slight mist Friday evening from 6pm to 6:30pm for a chance at the over 5,000 tickets available for Sunday's AFC championship game between "Indianapolis" and New England.

The Colts on Sunday will host their first AFC title game since retreating to Indianapolis 23 years ago. The game was set up after New England's controversial 24-21 victory over top-seeded San Diego on Sunday. The Chargers have appealed the game's outcome due to New Englands "poor sportsmanship" and "mean looks" following the win.

Among the teeming dozens, Drip Stepab, 35, of Noblesville, joined the line that stretched yards and yards, and was given a numbered wristband. Number 14. He hoped to use it to purchase eight tickets 10th row up at the 50 yard line, near the restroom, beer vendors, and t-shirt cannons.

Said Stepab, "It's definitely worth it. Waiting almost half an hour for great seats seems quite the price to pay for a fucking pro football game, but hey, IU sucks this year. What the hell else do we have to do on a weekend in this state? I mean, we heard on the radio Thursday that this is supposed to be an important game or something, so me and the wife says, hell, let's try it out. The Hoosier Dome sure isn't New Castle High, but it's a nice gym. So here we are. Um, when do they shoot us with the t-shirts?"

The Colts (14-4), seeded No. 3 in the playoffs, reached their third AFC title game since 1995 (though it seems like they've lost so many more) by beating second-seeded Baltimore "Ravens", 15-6 Saturday. New England (14-4), seeded No. 4, is anxious to somehow get Colts star quarterback Jim Sorgi out of the game, as their coaching staff has informed them that career backup Payton Maning just can't get it done at this level.

The rivals met in the AFC title game following the 2003 season, which the Patriots' Ty Law won, 24-14, in Foxboro. The next season the Patriots beat the snot out of the Colts, 20-3, in the divisional round again in Foxboro.

'Nap police said the Indianapolis crowd was "well-behaved, cordial and sort of dull".

"A couple tried to sneak in line, but that was nipped in the bud pretty quick by security and other patrons, since the friggin line was only 30 feet long,'' said city Patrolman Bill Jones. "What were they in line for in the first place?"

====================================

(Copyright 2007 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved and Protected under the Bush Internet "Freedom" Act of 2006. This means you, blogging world.)

Continuing efforts by the 'Pent to keep its doors open require...

...us to have each and every member of 'Pent Premium as well as freeloading lurkers to print, fill out (essay not optional), and first class mail the following survey to the Bloggers Guild of America so that our Internet Blogger License will remain current and fully paid.

We know, we know. Paperwork is such a pain. Especially when you have to print it off the computer screen. But this Bloggers Guild group is a bunch of old time, seat of the pants types. They want every T crossed and every I dotted. So what can we do? Our future is in your hands, readers.

The survey itself should require only ten or fifteen minutes to complete (20 if you make a real effort, but either way), so please help.

We're counting on our loyal members to answer the call. Or else we'll be forced to lock you out of the Apartment.

Thanks.

==================================================================

Bloggers Guild of America, New England office Reader/Lurker Survey 2007

Dear Reader/Lurker: Please complete the following questionnaire to the best of your ability. Any answers not completely and clearly marked will be counted as incorrect. And spelling counts (yours, not ours).

The final essay answer will not only aid in keeping us operating but also will be used to determine the "Apartment404 2007 Reader of the Year So Far", to be announced immediately following the renewal of our Internet Blogger LIcense by the BGOA. The subscriber with the best essay in our judgment will be interviewed live via blogspot by Hank himself sometime in late winter and have their picture/pictures featured for the remainder of the year in a new section of the 'Pent, called "Apartment404's Very Best Premium Friends."

Questions 1 thorough 6 are to be scored using the following scale:

----- 1 = Fairly well satisfied with 'Pent.
----- 2 = A little bit more than fairly well satisfied with 'Pent.
----- 3,4,5 = Increasingly satisfied with 'Pent using higher number to indicate amount of total pleasure received.
----- 6 = Super Job, 'Pent!


Let's get started....


Question 1 -- I/we are satisfied with 'Pent and all things 'Pent.
-- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 --

Question 2 -- The links to free porn remain the site's best feature. Agreed?
-- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 --

Question 3 -- I/we love the absolutely free "Apartment404 Athletic and Polo Club" T-shirt sent to all premium subscribers, and do not mind one bit that every single one shipped was a too tight XL that no current American male or larger than average female could ever possibly hope to maneuver their torso into. Really, guys, it's the thought that matters.
-- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 --

Question 4 -- Given that an unnamed staff member residing in and/or working at Apartment404 is with child, we love the fact that the 'Pent is NOT going to take a 3-month maternity leave, unless something completely unforeseen happens and the 'Pent staff should be unable or unwilling to write any more posts.
-- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 --

Question 4 -- We the loyal reader(s)/lurker(s) of Apartment404.blogspot.com, were not thrown a bit by the ridiculous delays in processing our Premium subscription via credit card order while one of your 'Pent interns compared signatures from our credit card, drivers license, and high school diploma, finding fault in our penmanship on spaces in documents and cards no bigger than our big toe, signed decades apart. This wasn't a big deal, though we were kinda anxious to get to those free porn links, especially the "She-To-He" do-over on Paris Hilton at WhatExactlyIsThisQuestionMark.com.
-- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 --

Question 6 -- The nation's next influential catchphrase/marketing slogan, "Never get out of the Kon-Tiki", will always be attributed by us, your loyal readers/lurkers, to Apartment404's staff and editors. We are grateful to have you in our lives for five minutes three times a week.
-- 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 --


Essay Question. To be filled out in its entirety. --

We the reader(s) believe that Apartment404 could be improved by _________________ the entire _______________, _________________ the "Reader ______" sections, and ________________ the ____________ ____________ . And we suggest this will be funded by slashing ______________ , _______________ , _____________ , and especially __________________ out of the Apartment404's yearly blogging budget, provided by Google and supplemented thorough Pell Grants. Though we hope you guys never _____________ the __________________ , which is our favorite part, aside from the free porn links.

Please expand on your answer:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .


Signed __________________________ . Subcriber # A00X7______F___ -__ - ____ .


Please print and mail this completed survey to...

Senior Bloggers Survey Processing Tech
Bloggers Guild of America, New England Region office
First Floor - Suite 1000
Boston City Hall
One City Hall Plaza, Boston, MA 02201


If you have any questions on how to fill out this survey or where to put it when you are done, call the Guild Local office at (617) 635-4000. They're paid to be helpful!

Why do we live?

We think
Hatred is a cancer
That eats all it touches.

Our hearts have no room for such,
Only trying to understand.
That takes up enough space/time
To weigh us down plenty.

Because
Hatred is a stone
That would surely
Sink us.

Born in a manger, March 24. Destined for Newman, Knoxville, and more.

From Wikipedia, the free and often reliable online encyclopedia...

Peyton Manning -- The Hero's Life.

======================================

Peyton was born March 24, 1976 in New Orleans, LA, on a bed of straw. His mother Olivia declined comment to the gathered media masses upon Peyton's arrival, but fairly glowed with gratitude at her gift to the good people of Louisiana. Other names considered by Archie and his bride: Adam, Archie II, RocketArm, Pencil Neck, and ShouldaBeenTee'sBackup (rejected as too many syllables by Archie, who likes words and names with no more than 2).

Marketing Highlights

Received Q Score of 27 in 2005, the third highest to Warren Sapp (30+) and Matt Light (28) among professional football players that year.

Has appeared in TV spots on every network in America, save PBS. Peyton vows to knock that one off his list once Jenna Bush becomes POTUS and gets the FCC house "in order."

Enshrined in 2005 in the Orson Welles Advertising Hall of Fame in Santa Clara, CA. Received the "If it pays, I play" award from Denis Leary at the annual awards buffet lunch.


Athletic Highlights

NFL Awards
Pro Bowls: 00, 01, 03, 04, 05 (MVP), 06, 07
Lady Byng Trophy winner: 98, 99, 00, and 06. Still miffed that "that little foreign midget" Paul Kariya won it from 01 to 05, though Peyton admits that the whole "my meaningless handgestures fool our opponents wicked bad" controversy with Coach Dungy may have cost him votes. Campaigned hard and was re-elected in 06.
2003 AP NFL MVP
2004 NFLPA Gene Upshaw Award winner -- For having an outlandish salary that fools the uninformed into thinking that football players get paid what they should.


Super Bowl Trophies:


Super Bowl MVP Awards:


Super Bowl Appearances:


Career Playoff Wins: 5


Career Playoff Losses: 6



College Awards

Yadda yadda... Whatever.

1997 Davey O'Brien Award -- Declined trophy since Peyton found out O'Brien was only 5 8. Said Peyton, "I'm 6 5. No disrespect to Danny, but he couldn't carry my jockstrap. And once I figure out where that thing goes under my uniform, I'll give you another priceless quote."

Was given the inaugural UT "Thanks for graduating so I can win us a mutherfucking championship" trophy from Tee Martin in 99.

List of National Championships won at UT:


---------------------------------------------------

A Closer Look...

At Isidore Newman High in New Orleans, Manning started three consecutive seasons at quarterback, following a sizeable donation by his rich ex-jock dad.

List of National Championships won at Newman:



Because of his father's "legacy" at Ole Miss (including a truly weird speed limit on campus), Peyton Manning stunned many when he chose to attend the "University" of Tennessee. Peyton would become UT's all-time leading passer with 11,201 yards, though come on, we're talking the Vols here. He was 3-1 in his four bowl appearances and was undefeated in National Championship games played (Tee Martin is 1-0).

Although after nine semesters he had completed his "degree" in mass comm, Manning returned to Tennessee for his senior year in order to score more chicks. Despite an early season loss to archrival Florida, Manning put up even more impressive numbers in his last season in leading the Vols to the SEC title and the inaugural Motor City Bowl game in beautiful downtown De-Troit. Manning received the 1997 Sullivan Award as the top amateur athlete in the United States because Jenny Thompson's closet was full. In 2005, Tennessee retired Manning's number, insuring he would never ever quarterback another game for the Vols.

Also, one of the streets leading to Neyland Stadium has been re-named Peyton Manning By-Pass. It was formerly known as the Johnny Majors Passing Lane, in honor of Coach Phil Fulmer.


Manning was selected first overall in the 1998 draft by the "Indianapolis" Colts despite Archie and Olivia's pleas to be traded to Arizona. And he has started every game in his NFL career (in order to rack up meaningless stats and Q points).

In scouting reports, Manning is known as a "pure" pocket passer rather than a "scrambler." Manning is well known for his frantic hand gestures and shouting before the play while calling out audibles, and is taking a massive dose of Ritalin to control these meaningless and annoying activities.

The York (Maine) Ocean Side Resort Community Supplement to the “Yellow Pages”

This post is for residents of The York OSRC = The following businesses were not included in the new 2005 Yellow Page Directory, distributed by America’s finest post office, The US Postal Service, last summer.

--------------------------------------------------

1. Victor’s Secret Stash
“For the metrosexual in you. Or your partner.”
At 924 Ocean Road, right on the Ogunquit border. Go four miles outside of town on Ocean Road, look for some nasty skid marks from last winter’s snowplows and you’re there.

Among our most popular offerings are...

The new "fragrance for men” -- Armada!
For the SUV driving men in your life...try Armada!
Now in new XXL containers.... 1 quart for $39.99. Just spray and go....

The new ‘Pent Body Lotion.
Comes in Unisex scent....because smelling good is for all genders!
Just rub it all over your self for ten or fifteen minutes, and you’ll be a new man, woman, or whatever!

The new Apartment404 Bath Towel.
...So you can get that “just showered” feel right after you take a bath, you pussy.
Comes in Regular, Tall, and Magnum, though the towels actually all have the same measurements. It’s just that if you tell soft dicks that something comes in a Magnum, they buy ‘em up good and quick.


2. Ye Old York BookSeller. Since 1988
“For those who like to read.”

Located at 66 Church Street. Right next to the Temple Isreal Shalom Business Conference and Prayer Retreat Center. Only half a mile from the beach, or 40 minutes if you’re walking.
Phone (207) 430-1111. Or if you’re out of state, try (207) 430-1111.

Two of our recent arrivals --

(I) Bill O’Reilly - Cultural Warrior. We have dozens of authentically autopen signed copies from the man himself, marked down from $25.00 to $7.99 for the bargain shopper.

(2) The ‘Pent Parenting Guide.
From the child rearing experts at Apartment404.blogspot.com, an officially licensed Day Care Center in Maine since 11/06.

Priced to move!!

Chapter summary -- “How to really screw up your offspring in 5 easy steps. Which take 12 years to complete.”
1) Buy them a regulation sized football at birth. No matter the sex. And place in crib. The child will grow to love, fear and loath this massive leather mothering substitute.
2) Tell them that if they want something bad enough, they can get it. Within reason.
3) Make them say prayers at night and when nothing happens tell them that God just doesn’t listen to people who aren’t praying hard enough. Do this repeatedly until aroundage 12. Surefire winner there.
4) Turn them into Yankee fans, somehow. Only complete assholes root for the Yankees unless they’re born and bred borough dwellers or New Jerseyites.
5) Tell that “If I could, I’d marry you, sugarlips.” Works either father/daughter or mother/son. Then let them use their own Apartment404 Bath Towel following this and other icky conversations you will eventually have.

Follow these simple rules to a T and your kid is sure to get into the college of his or her choice. Or UNH.


3. DDK-Car - “Just Drive, Ditch. And Kruise!”
Phone (900) 132-9681 X1499 Ask for Keith Browner or Shirley Pitch. Hours M-F 9:30am to 4:30pm In Season.
The newest, bestest way to get around York. The first "D" stands for steer, operate, and park, the second “D” stands for “ditch”, and the “K” stands for “kruise'"/hoofin' it.
Now at York Beach, for the on-the-go beach regular.
When you really need that all day tan, try DDK-Car to get there fast and safe without ever having to buy gasoline.
Just sign up on our internet site, http://www.DDKunderscoreCAR.biz/menu/newclient/ne/maine/yorkbeach/, giving two major credit cards and a copy of your original birth certificate while providing an out of state next of kin as well as fax number where you can be sent future special DDK-Car-Klub offerings.....
Yes, It’s just that easy!


4. York Limo and Hearse Co. --
“Bringing bodies wherever they’re needed for over a half century.”
Located behind York High School, just off the beach.
Phone = (207) BODY-CAR. Ask for Ricky. Or if Ricky’s out, ask for Tony. Or Mickey. Really, whoever answer's the phone can probably help you.
We only lease the biggest and baddest. Cuz when you’re dead, you need to waste even more gas and block traffic. And when you're graduating high school, same thing.


York Beach.... We’ve been snotty since the 1700’s.

De Niro's "The Good Shepard"

Released four weeks ago but not seen by Apt404 staff until this Wednesday evening (things to do, places to be), we'd like to say that along with "The Departed", "Borat", and our personal crush, "Marie Antoinette", "The Good Shepard" stands with the best releases of 2006, at least of what we've seen.

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Eric Roth's deep, rich, complex and detailed yet heartfelt and ultimately gut wrenching script had better get at least a nomination, if not a win, or there's going to be some 'splaining to do around LA come late February. It's that good. Not that it's surprising for Roth to deliver big with his track record, but he deserves serious consideration for a statue.

Director De Niro manages 150 minutes of tension and drama as smoothly as any director possibly could, working with a cast so deep that the great John Turturro appears on page 2 of the imdb.com "cast and crew" printout. The actors are given three great gifts by De Niro and Roth: (1) wonderful words to say (2) wonderful things to do and (3) so much silence it was deafening in the theatre.

With some films we can tell that our time would be better spent elsewhere in, say, ninety seconds. Last night we were hooked by the opening scene and its lack of...well, anything going on. Just Matt Damon, in his career defining role as super spy Edward Wilson retrieving his morning paper then getting on a bus to go to work in downtown D.C.. We trusted De Niro and Damon to take us somewhere, and were not disappointed.

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No spoilers here. This is a movie that you should see in a vast, dimly lit theatre with sticky floors, drinking in the odor of stale popcorn and flat soda.

"The Good Shepard" is moviemaking on a grand scale not because of bombs going off or endless freeway chases, but because the actors facial expressions and body language say so very much, because of words and lines said so softly that our heads tilted instinctively towards the front of the theatre, and because of, to take just one of many possibles, Michael Gimbon's riveting, shattering portrayal of a spy living in a cold, dead world he knows not to trust but can't escape from.

To single out only one or two actors would be to slight others, as there are nearly two dozen important speaking roles, and all save Wilson's wife are handled perfectly.

The sole problem we have with this great film is Angelina Jolie's dour, secretive, and ultimately incomprehensible Mrs. Wilson. What is her charactor doing and why is she so damn sullen? Was it Jolie's choice, or was she doing this intentionally? Sorry, but she took some of the fun out of the film. Was Jolie's heavyhandedness the actor's choice, or were there cuts made in editing that would have helped explain her better? The wife's role was written mainly as support to the main drivers of the plot, but the lack of depth in the part seemed to detract a bit.

=====================================

As we said, no plot details. Go see it.

But we'd be wrong not to mention some of the great work done by....

...Matt Damon, as mentioned. Not a missed step. Wonderful. Painful. Perfectly done.
...Gambon. A simply brilliant job, though Roth's script was tailor made for that voice, face, and presence.
...William Hurt. If Hurt got a nomination for his nice but slight role in "History of Violence", what will he get for this one? A Best Actor nom? Best Picture?
...Young Eddie Redmayne, who reminded us a bit of Edward Norton's breakthrough in "Primal Fear." Minus the crazy part, pretty much. ...Next?
...THANK GOD for Joe Pesci. We miss that fucking guy so bad. He had one scene and filled the screen. Whatever and whenever you're working on, we're there. The man is a legend because you can't take your eyes off him. Another reason to nominate De Niro is getting Pesci back.

...Other wonderful work is done by (1) Alec Baldwin, though we again apologize for nearly giggling at half his lines. He, just as other gifted comedians (who always make great actors) will be forever hamstrung by his brilliant wit. You can't host SNL 47 times and not expect chuckles from jokers like we have here in the 'Pent. Kept thinking he was going to offer Wilson a set of steak knives. The man is one of the great American actors, and will be for as long as he wants. (2) Billy Crudup. Creepy, slimy, fey, and so solid. (3) Oleg Stefan. Pitch perfect. When can we see him again? (5) John Turturro, one of the great physical actors, if you know what we mean. You can feel his insides churning every moment he's onscreen. A great, great job. (6) Basically everyone we didn't mention yet save for some C+ digital effects, though that was probably budget more than craft.


and last but certainly..blah blah blah...

Will Robert De Niro win Best Director on his second gig?

And if so, will Scorcese have him "taken care of?"

Probably not and we sure hope not. They have work to do together, still.

======================================

But it rarely gets better than "The Good Shepard." Thank God "Museum" was sold out.

The Lava Lamp Nine -- Big Nod to SI's Grant Wahl...

....whose weekly "'Bag" is just about the most must read college bball stuff in the nation.

Hell, it is.

====================================

The National Champ is simply GOING to come out of this group. Or your money back, no questions asked...

(1) The current favorite to win it all this year is Kansas. They have two of everything, incredible athleticism, dual point guards whom we trust (Is Sherron Collins the 21st Century Gene Smith of G-Town, plus scoring? Love his 'tude and demeanor. Does Collins really crap thunder, or is that just something we picked up watching a Rocky movie? Love his game. Just grow a bit, huh, Sherron?) Darrell Arthur and Julian Wright, with Sasha Kaun for D and other goodies, are the best frontcourt trio right now. And that includes Carolina and Florida. The Gators are thin up front after the lithe shot blocker Noah and moster-mashing Horford. UNC, for all its talent, just ain't playing defense right now. They forced 9 damn turnovers the other night and gave up +50% shooting. That just can't happen, though we're glad to see the "real" lineup finally installed, especially in the backcourt. If you can't trust Roy Willimas to get them right, you can't trust anybody.

Anyway, you can figure out who (2) and (3) are. And in case we forget, THIS IS A GREAT YEAR for the college game. The NBA's draft shenanigans will be ultimately found illegal, but damn it's nice to have ya for a year, kids.

So...

(4) UCLA -- Not enough inside presence to go against the other monsters listed here. Mota plays at full tilt full time, but has no big man help. Love the midrange guys, especially Mbah a Moute, Aboya, and the frosh Wright. Love Collison, as detailed a while back, but Westbrook is no point guard. Stop shooting every time you get the ball, kid. And we are not crazy about the shot happy upperclassmen Afflalo and Shipp. They've played that way since arrival, but do they have to? Winning a title gives you a chance at The League, guys. Not shooting every time you get the ball. If you can play, they'll find you. There has never been anything to the "showcase my skills" crap that agents and hangers on fill young athlete's heads with. Anyone who says this to you is full of shit. Just play. Just win.

(5) Ohio State -- How in the world can Greg Oden be better than we ever dreamt? How is this possible? It's incredible. The kid is actually better than the hype, in every way. At least when viewed through the "'Pent Prism" known as cable tv. He is the fucking real fucking deal, 6 9 or 6 10 or legit 7. The next 10 years will be occupied by Oden -- Yao matchups that will cause the earth to tremble. Wow. And Cook, Conley, and the other Buckeyes are nasty. Love Conley. How can HE be better than we thought? Smart, smart player. But can he dunk? Ain't that weird. Cook better get his game face on. Do you want to be Ray Allen with a killer drive? Or do you want to be the next Baby Jordan (Harold Minor, for the kids who are too young)? Get serious and TWISY, young man.

(6) Wisconsin -- How can they ball like that in the frozen tundra? Stevens Point used to kick ass in DIII, ***, Marquette has had about thirty teams that could really play during the last four decades. And in the last ten years, Wisconsin has done more with only a couple of NBA players than anyone, thanks to their coaching staff and the hard work of their players. Plus, the crowds in that state are always nuts. Do they not feed them for the 10 hours prior to a football or basketball or hockey game in that state? They all sound like raving lunatics. Big fun. The Wisconsin b-ball season rides on their big men, because they have a lot of talent elsewhere. Can they get 25 and 12 per out of their 3 big guys for three weekends in a row? If so, they have a shot to win it all.

(7) Oregon -- Never thought we'd have such good things to say about this squad. But they are good. If Oregon doesn't funk it up with a three or four game Pac-10 losing streak in the next month, they can get to the Final Four. Their smalls are superquick, though streaky. And their bigs are good, too, in a lot of nice ways. A top 10 team.

(8) our own wild card, the University of Washington. You know that Hawes kicks ass, Pondexter, too. Brockman. It goes on and on. They just need to get healthy and put some wins together in February. Romar for Guv of WA.

(9) the perennial choice, Arizona. We think that Shakur is still not there, despite being at the end of his career. The senior may be near the top of the NCAA in assists, but we wonder about him. Not confident and thinks too much or too little, we can't tell. Love Budinger, Williams, etc. They can score and run and defend. But does Zona settle for quick shots too often? We don't think they'll be there at the last weekend's go round, but then nobody thought that Bibby, Simon, and Dickerson would get out of the first weekend a decade ago, either. Another decade of Lute-ball would be just grand.

So there you have it.

For refunds if, say USC or Pitt win it all, email us at SoccerNut@SI.com for the refund check.



*** Edit 1/18/07. UW-Platteville, too. Luke Winn's SI Power Rankings ain't too bad, neither.

The Super Bowl: An answer to Duane Thomas.

Former Dallas Cowboy running back Duane Thomas asked back in the early days of The Big Game, "If it's the 'ultimate', why do they play it every year?"

Good question...
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Here's Yahoo! Education's definition. Basically.

ul·ti·mate (lt-mt) KEY

ADJECTIVE:
1. Being last in a series, process, or progression
2. Fundamental; elemental: an ultimate truth.
3. Of the greatest possible size or significance;
4. Representing or exhibiting the greatest possible development or sophistication: the ultimate "bicycle." (Or: the ultimate "wipeout." See SB XXIX, San Francisco 49 vs. San Diego 26. King Peter may do a story soon on how San Diegites...San Diegans...SC city dwellars are still pissed at officials and celebrating opponents.)
5. Eventual: hoped for ultimate victory. (see Landry, Coach Tom: preseason speech 1960-1990)

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none (0) -- Pre Super Bowl Era featured Detroit's Lions, Baltimore's Colts, and even the (Name That City) Cardinals winning titles. Yes, it's true. No cable, either.
I (1) -- Packers win.
II (2) -- Packers win again. City hibernates for three decades.
III (3) -- Joe Willie kicks ass. Merger is officially on.
IV (4) -- The late Hank Stram jumpstarts NFL films with priceless gab.
V (5) -- The first truly crappy one.
VI (6) -- The second.
VII (7) -- Nixon calls play for losing team. Hmmm. Sounds familiar.
VIII (8) -- The third. Or fourth, depending on who's counting.
IX (9) -- Now we're talkin'. The Steel Curtain against America's most trusted name in financial advice. Steelers win first of four.
X (10) -- The first of the great ones. Still possibly the most memorable due to Swann's artistry.
XI (11) -- Madden's farewell. Special moment.
XII (12) -- Right thinking folks have always hated the Cowboys. And always will.
XIII (13) -- Another great one.
XIV (14) -- The first one to go to directly to the Smithsonian. Warren Beatty couldn't beat Pittsburgh that night. No one could. The last for the greatest team ever.
XV (15) -- 'Vincible Philly beaten by wild card. Good on ya, Jim. You deserved it.
XVI (16) -- A terrific game that broke our hearts. We didn't know any better back then; thought Anderson was a better bet than Montana. We fucked that one up.
XVII (17) -- Marino's only game. A football warrior comes up empty.
XVIII (18) -- The greatest running play in the history of the NFL helps wins it for Davis.

XIX (19) to XXXI (31) -- NFC 490 vs. AFC 216. (Note: Buffalo lost 139-73.)

XXXII (32) -- Elway! Finally!
XXXIII (33) -- Elway! Finally.
XXXIV (34) -- Good game. LA finally wins a big football game. (They'll always be the Rams de los Angeles to the 'Pent.)
XXXV (35) -- Ravens destroy Gints. Justice.
XXXVI (36) -- Ty! Redmond! East Boston! Adam! Pats win!
XXXVII (37) -- The most boring, disappointing SB in the history of SBs.
XXXVIII (38) -- The greatest of all Super Bowls. More twists and turns in the last 35 minutes than any football game ever played. We'll never forget Rodney Harrison after the game, celebrating in pain.
XXXIX (39) -- Pretty dull game and Rush's wet dream. But Donovan is a HOFer, white or black, or chunky style.
XL (40) -- Big Ben, you are officially the youngest starting QB ever to win this game. More to come, we're sure. Go easy, big fella.
XLI (41) -- Not a fucking clue who will be there and who will win. We'll be watchin', though. For the commercials, man. For the commercials.
XLII (42) -- Still no idea. But expect a new Bud Bowl sometime soon.
LL (50) -- Bill Belichick's last game. Super Bowl win number VIII.
LLX (60) -- Baltimore's MLB Ray Lewis' last game. The greatest linebacker of all time wills his Raven teammates to a 2-0 win over Tokyo. The only score is a Lewis sack of Tokyo QB Ichiro Jr. in the final minute of the game. King Peter writes after the game that "that Ray Lewis may just be a HOFer."
LLXXV (75) -- Co-coaches Stephen, Amanda and Brian Belichick win their record IXth Super Bowl for the Barcelona Dragons of the IFL. Jon, Michael, and Jayson Gruden, co-coaches of the Spaniards, are, to say the least, pissed and jealous. Take a 20 minute nap and then start to prepare for next season.
C (100) -- The one hundredth Big Game is played in the city once known as "Los Angeles", now called "Outer Beijing." The city's Red Army team beats North Beijing's Reddest Army team 7-6 in an ineptly played game all the way around. Interest in the spectacle is on the wane, what with the three nuclear wars and George Bush VII's catastrophic reign as "King of All He Surveys", (2055-2059 AD). You think the "voters" would have learned following the disasterous George P. Bush "Armed and Fabulous" Presidency of 2020-2024.
D (500) -- Game finally cancelled after Game Show Channel preempts post-game coverage for "Match Game 2566" reunion special. Richard Dawson's ghost molests entire audience. "Match Game" and its reruns finally fucking cancelled for good. As is SB.

Overall, it was pretty cool while it lasted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mornin'. Let's get right to our beefs.

Hell, yeah, we've got some beefs.


(1) Why is there no DVD out for "Tail Gunner Joe", the 1977 ABC bio pic that starred Frankenstein, John Forsythe, Burgess Meredith, Patricia Neal, and Jean Stapleton. Think we're reaching? That a 30 year old tv movie about Big Government abusing its power to terrorize good folks is irrelevant and unimportant, better relegated to the dustbin of broadcasting history? Well you may be right. But we'd still like to see Peter Boyle try to humanize that monster.


(2) Why do people buy more books that they can ever possibly read? Right now there are over 70 pieces of lit-rat-cha in the Apt404 "to be read soon" bookcase. And none of them are cartoons. Sorry, "graphic novels." Unless you count the Bill Scheft tome, which we do indeed intend to read. Very soon.


(3) Yahoo!/Google has 0 (Zero) customer service phone numbers available to call. None at all. This is one of the biggest companies on the planet, and they have no one here or in Bangladesh to answer the fucking phone. To explain, after a brief hiatus of one week we attempted to log in to the Apt404 teraflop-scale computer over the weekend and couldn't remember our password (we have four and none of them is "password"). We then found out that Google and Yahoo could not help us recover it. It could not be done over the phone. They had to email our password to the email account that we didn't have the password for. True story. Catch 2200? Oh, yeah. Spoke to a couple of helpful young folks who patiently explained "We don't have a customer service number. This is sales".


(4) This is the one that really sticks out. We are huge sports fans, obviously. But beyond loving the games and game players, we always wonder where these guys and gals come from prior to being on ESPN/FOX/whatever and where they go once they leave the spotlight. Apt404 ran a post a few weeks back we're actually quite proud of concerning the differences in salary (among other things) between MLB and the NFL, which is truly now the "National Pasttime." We used George Carlin's classic routine as a basis for sliding in some stuff we found troubling.

And this morning we heard on the news that the deadline for NCAA athlete/students to declare for the late April NFL Draft was yesterday. That's three months before any names are called out in MSG. Just what in the hell is Gene Upshaw doing with his 168 hours? What the heck is going on? How can a kid go to school, practice, play in a December/January bowl game, and at the same time find out what his value is in the annual April meat market? There is no earthly reason for a three month gap between declaring and being drafted for these young men.

The NBA, our other favorite pro league, allows kids to declare by 4/28, and the draft is held soon after the season ends (for marketing reasons) at the end of June. But NBA wanna be's can opt out of the draft if they aren't happy. And they have more time to consider their status, considering that there are only about 75 college guys who have even a prayer of making a team each preseason. The NFL? There are literally maybe five hundred guys who might make a roster following their last year of college. Why the rush? Give them some time to consider what is best for themselves and their families, so they don't hurry up, drop out of school, then get picked on the second day if at all, get a $50K bonus, most of which the agent and taxes eat up, not make the team, and be basically screwed out of their senior year. Happens all the time. The Florida players were still toweling off following their postgame shower when a slew of them declared. That just makes no sense to us.

But then we're only fans.

====================================

1/16/07 Edit #1. To (1). -- What about "Lou Grant", "WKRP", and something decent on "The Carol Burnett Show." Hmmm?

All blogging, great and small. For your dining pleasure on a Monday evening.

Media Review Weekly: For our many, many loyal readers, here's a look at some goings on that caught our eye(s) in the past week or so.....

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Saturday Night Live(s)!:

Yes, that headline has been used a time or two before by others. But we aren't above stealing a priceless comedic gem like that. So.....

SNL was not really very good the first few episodes of the 06-07 season. But the 1/13/07 show kicked serious funnybone ass. Really.

"Stock Footage Awards"? -- This is why SNL was created (partly); to make fun of the plump and pompous, to ridicule the ridiculous. Great stuff. Loosen up a bit, though guys. It's a comedy show, not a midterm. Great concept.

"Bronx Beat" -- We hope they do this one to death, because it has legs. Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph were priceless as the down but not out, depressed but not quite suicidal, angry but still alert borough dwellers who brow beat a poor young author into submission. Kind of what a visit to the Bronx would be like in real life for some of us. Terrific. Will they destroy someone next week? Hope so. Can Mayor Bloomberg make an appearance, or are all the male cast members over 5-8?

"Laser Cats 2" -- Again, terrific. Funny, just funny. Lorne Micheals has the Emmy in the bag for best actor. Well, maybe not. But still a great job by all four. This one might have legs, too. Cats with Lasers? Beat that fucker into the ground, THEN it will get even funnier. If no one laughs the third time, do it a fourth. And a fifth. Who knows? No one thought the bees were funny at first. Including Belushi, we recall. Now THAT was a great series of sketches. The "why are we so put upon, Lorne?" stuff kills.

"Weekend Update" -- Now, we're talkin'. The iPhone was ripe. But how about 6 billion phone numbers, not a bajillion. And Jobs has a lot of strange speaking tics, too. Funny material. He's so smooth he's creepy. And creepy is funny (any cast member doing Crispin Glover doing....well, anyone. that would be funny. and if Glover is dead, we apologize for stepping where we shouldn't. but we really don't think he's dead. we'd have heard about that.) "20 minute battery life!", now that is funny. Because it's true.

"'Law and Order' Master Class in Acting" -- Funny because it's true, as well. You can have The Falconer sketches. We don't know of any real life falconers besides Timothy Hutton. But there are hundreds of NYC actors willing to do just about anything to get on the L&O show(s). That's real life, in all its quiet desperation. And THEY REALLY DON'T EVER STOP MOVING on those shows. (Wait for the "bump bump". Now that's gold.) Sam Waterston is one tough impersonation to nail. He speaks softly, then loudly, with his head back when he gets going. Voice going up and down, head weaving. And weird eye rolling movements, too.

Oh yeah. Jake Gyggenhaal: Think summer movie villain, Jake. For "Spiderman 3.14", maybe a good bad dude part would be a great move. Jake, ya have the elastic facial muscles, the voice, the size, and the balls to be a great bad guy. Bond bad buys get pigeonholed, but put on some makeup and a cape and fly through the air on a vacuum cleaner, and it's all good. You heard it here first. Though Dafoe reportedly has a bit of a "package" advantage over you.

From what we read on The Drudge Report and other blogs of that ilk.

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SI.com

After reading Monday Morning Quarterback (As we always do. Every monday. And tuesday.) we had a thought...

Non-Quote of the Week:
-- "They showed no class at all. No class. Maybe it comes from their head coach. There you have it.'' -- from a devastated and fatigued MVP and future Hall of Famer, LaDainian Tomlinson, on the Patriots' celebration after Nate Kaeding's missed kick that would have sent the game to OT. Why would anyone want to make this sound byte a big deal? The young man is beyond consolation, and was pissed his team lost. Did Hobbs or some of the other guys celebrate? You're damn right they did. Was LT2 right for getting po'ed at pretty much the world? You're damn right he was. No harm, no foul. Total non issue that shouldn't be viewed by hundreds of thousands, as MMQB is.

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The continuing decline of what has traditionally been the most important network news program, "60 Minutes."

A pulse? Yes, the show has a pulse. Thanks to...

...Pieces on great Americans like Betty Ford. A layup for most anyone, with the charisma and heart that woman possesses. She could make Carl Cameron seem human. But Leslie Stahl did a nice job. We did not know that Mrs. Ford had been married and divorced prior to meeting Gerald. Not that Stahl let us know that (Newsweek did), but the First Lady fascinates. Stahl did tell us that Mrs. Ford modeled the rooms of her recovery center after her own 1978 rehab stint, with roommates for all. Good story on maybe the greatest First Lady.

...A nice piece on the amazing, sexy, kick-butt Brit actress Helen Mirren by Morley Safer. Ms. Mirren remains one of the planet's great beauties, with looks, brains, and guts. It would be frightening to be in the same zip code as such a thoroughbred. Safer pulled it off nicely.

...Mike NiFong may very well be our 21st Century Bull Conner, the notoriously rascist and evil cop/bully/race baiting ruler of Birmingham during the Civil Rights movement. Conner was certain no one could touch him. Because of his race, his power, his arrogance, and his tired small mindedness, seen so often in local pols and officials. Conner was wrong, as is the local DA. NiFong's unbelievably crass, illegal wielding of the Durham County DA's power should result in felony convictions and jail time for him and his cronies. A censure? For what he has done to bankrupt the student's painfully well spoken families? For forever damaging the lives of all the accused Duke lacrosse players? For not even interviewing the fucking star witness until late this winter? He belongs in jail. The best case scenario for the three accused kids and their families? Hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal bills, the charges dropped, their faces etched in folks minds forever, whether as perps or victims. And possibly a six to ten year long legal pursuit of moneys and apologies from Durham County. Not a good choice among them. For shame.


And last and certainly least....

Scott Pelley "interviewing" President Bush. Wow. That was really scary all the way around.

First Presidential quote to jump out at Apt404 staff: "I think the Iraqi people owe the United States a huge debt of gratitude." What? What? Maybe in between all the funerals and the walking six miles for a gallon of water, they could all sign a big "Thank You" card for us back here in the States. It would be the biggest "Thank You" card in the world, right TJ? That frighteningly juvenile sound byte from this nation's Executive in Chief blew us away. A debt of gratitude? Do you want them to give us an extra quarter in our weekly national allowance? What does he mean?

Please, deal with reality and let Hollywood handle bullshit and fantasy. The reality is that the entire Middle East is in play. It is right now, Sir. President Bush went on to say "If we were to start withdrawing now, we'd have a crisis on our hands." This man is not living in reality. He is a scared man with his fingers plugging his ears. Sorry. And despite our view, we will always refer to him as our nation's "President" (and not as "Mr. Bush", as Pelley did once.), but he is flat out wrong.

And still they die. Every day, they die.

The President looked absolutely skittish standing next to Pelley outdoors near his Laurel Canyon retreat. This is the man who's been POTUS for over six years? He looked like a middle manager at some fiberglass manufacturer, he was so stiff. Goodness. What is going on?

And the worst, most telling moment came when Pelley said to the President re Saddam's hanging, "You didn't want to see him go through the trap door?" President Bush winced, looked away, and mumbled, "yeah." This is the leader of the free world, who sends your kids and your spouses and your relatives off to fight, possibly die, and most definately come back changed forever? This is who the United States trusts with the car keys? He can't even watch the execution of the man he wanted out of power so bad he spent several hundred thousand dollars on the extravaganza (or was it a bit more.)? A breathtaking answer.

One other thing we found out reading "Newsweek." On the night that Saddam was hung? President Bush was asleep. At 9 in the evening.

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Here's something to get us all through the night...''

(nod to Newsweek)