New England Nightmare: Mets, Orioles, Red Sox

It could happen here.

There's no reason for the sellouts to continue if management isn't committed to winning. Look at what became of the Orioles once proud organization. Look at what's become of the disasterous Mets franchise. I can see the same thing happening in Boston.

Tell me that isn't quite possible. The Yawkey type ownership could return. Remember?

Tito's Leaving Us

What a run.

My new blog: HireSnowplowJoeMorgan.blogspot.com.

Terry Francona: Greatest Manager in the History of the Boston Red Sox

Here's all 43 who've managed the team ---

Best of the Best
Terry Francona --- 2004–2011 --- 2 World Series (2004, 2007)
Bill Carrigan --- 1913–1916, 1927-1929 --- 2 World Series (1915, 1916)

World Series Champs
Jimmy Collins --- 1901–1906 --- World Series Win 1903
Jake Stahl --- 1912–1913 --- World Series Win 1912
Ed Barrow --- 1918–1920 --- World Series Win 1918

Real Doggone Good
Dick Williams --- 1967–1969
Joe Morgan --- 1988–1991
Darrell Johnson --- 1974–1976
Jimy Williams --- 1997–2001
John McNamara --- 1985–1988
Grady Little --- 2002-2003

Good, Could Have Been Better
Don Zimmer --- 1976–1980
Joe Cronin --- 1935–1947
Ralph Houk --- 1981–1984
Joe McCarthy --- 1948–1950
Eddie Kasko --- 1970-1973

Managed
Patsy Donovan --- 1910–19
Deacon McGuire --- 1907–1908
Fred Lake ---1908–1909
Jake Stahl --- 1912-1913
Hugh Duffy --- 1921–1922
Bucky Harris --- 1934
Steve O'Neill --- 1950–1951
Lou Boudreau --- 1952–1954
Johnny Pesky --- 1963–1964, 1980


"Managed"
Chick Stahl --- 1906
George Huff --- 1907
Bob Unglaub --- 1907
Jack Barry --- 1917
Frank Chance --- 1923
Lee Fohl --- 1924–1926
Heinie Wagner --- 1930
Shano Collins -- 1931–1932
Marty McManus ---1932–1933
Pinky Higgins --- 1955–1959, 1960-1962
Rudy York --- 1959
Billy Jurges --- 1959–1960
Del Baker -- 1960
Billy Herman --- 1964–1966
Pete Runnels --- 1966
Eddie Popowski --- 1969
Butch Hobson --- 1992–1994
Joe Kerrigan --- 2001

===============

I wanna know how much crap was going on inside the Sox upper management and how much it affected the play of the team in the last month. Are you hurting or helping? Part of the problem or part of the solution? The ball is in owner John Henry's court right now.

===============

This team can win their 8th World Series next year if things fall into place. Believe it.

Under Pressure

Bill Nemitz' column from today's Portland Press Herald concerning my state's governor.

Can't find the video of this exchange on MSNBC or YouTube. WTF.

New Sponsor

ReadyLabor is the newest in our family of sponsors here at The 'Pent.

Their slogan?

"Jobs/Blogs, Jobs/Blogs, Jobs/Blogs for all Maine."

For job info, email George@ReadyLabor.Apartment404.blogspot.com.

He'll be sure to get your heartfelt message.

First Art Schlichter Brass Balls Award For 2011...

...Goes to the University of Oregon's talented cornerback Cliff Harris.

From September 12's Sports Illustrated, page 43 in an article by Austin Murphy:

"(Harris) was cited in June for driving 118 miles per hour on a suspended license, in a Nissan Altima rented by a woman in Oregon's business affairs office. Video shot from the police car shows the officer leaning into the window and asking, 'Who's got the marijuana in the car?'

Replie(d) Harris, 'Just smoked it all.'"

Andy Rooney

"60 Minutes" Andy Rooney is retiring from broadcasting this week.

Did you know that he is, to my mind, the very last World War II vet on air?

Think

Quote from Mike Piazza in the September 12th issue of Sports Illustrated:

"I can't describe it as anything more than divine intervention and my prayers being answered and God giving me that calmness and ability to execute in a time of stress."

Piazza was talking about his game winning homer on September 21st, 2001, in the first baseball game in the city of New York post-9/11.

So let me get this straight, Michael: Your god killed three thousand of my fellow countrymen so that you could hit a fucking ball over a fucking fence? Are you that self centered? Why do you believe God hates us so much? I certainly don't buy that.

If there is a God he doesn't wanna see anyone of us get hurt. Any one of us.

A Billion Dollar Joke Gets Funnier

Reyes wimps out. Breathtaking.

They take their cues from ownership down in Met-atopia, apparently. What a fucking situation.

What A Privilege To Witness

What guts the Red Sox and a few others showed tonight.

==========

All baseball players wish they played in Boston.

==========

Baseball is mind numbingly boring when it doesn't matter

And gut churning ecstacy when it does

Tonight it mattered

And the Sox played hard, so hard

Sometimes the ball bounces funny

And sometimes not

Old School Media and Me: A Couple of Mutts

I'm trying to find out who is pitching tomorrow afternoon for the Red Sox in the playoff game with the Rays, and I can't find it on the sites I know. What a loser.

Calibrated Brake Lights

Did you know that in South Korea all cars come equipped with calibrated brake lights?

Calibrated brake lights are lights that light up a little when you tap on the brakes and turn bright red when you jam down on the brake pedal. Calibrated.

Just thought you might want to know what the competition is up to.

Britney To Host Saturday Night Live on XX/XX/12

Opening

Backstage Brit's throwing a fit, diva like. Fred Armisen looks scared, stares wide eyed into camera: “She’s the worst host ever! My God, the horror! We should have asked Rachael Ray!” Andy Samberg: “I’m frightened!” Brit's like a monster loose backstage. The camera doesn't show her for a few minutes: The viewers can see talent and backstage people running left to right and right to left across screen in terror. Frantic scene. You can hear the screams, and things being tossed around backstage. Lorne: “Frank Zappa was easier to deal with!” Talent running around looking scared, thinking, "What do we do with her? She's a nightmare!" She goes onstage, fixes hair, and smiles. “Hi, I’m Britney! It’s gonna be an awesome show, I know it!!”


"Fake" Ad

"Medicine Water"


Sketch 1: “Who’s On Bottom?”

Meryl Streep/Don Gummer
Jennifer Garner/Ben Affleck
VP Biden/Second Lady Biden
Tina Fey and what’s his name
Helen Mirren/Taylor Hackford
Governor Christie/First Lady of NJ
Amy Poehler/Will Arnett
Kathie Lee/Frank
Sarah Palin/Todd Palin
President Bush/ The First Lady
Stephen King/Tabitha


Sketch 2: “Governor Christie’s Workout Show”

2 minutes of Keenan as Gov. Christie doing some kind of workout
3 minutes of breathing hard, snacking, SWEATING PROFUSELY through hose attached to back of head
1 minute of some more exercise

Keenan/Gov: “That’s enough for today.”


Song #1 "Till the World Ends"


Sketch 3: “Gay NFL”

Showtime Series
In an NFL locker room: Guys in shoulders pads, hip pads, towels, lots of leering looks, rolling eyes skyward, “you gonna use that towel?”, stammering, double meanings
Andy, Jason - Can’t look each other in the eye, staring at each other’s penises,
CAN’T LOOK EACH OTHER IN THE EYE (the eyes on their head, sorry, the eyes that they see out of, sorry, the eyebulbs that send pictures to their brains, sorry, their vision things)
Orlando Cruise Missiles vs San Antonio Spurs


Sketch 4: BritneyLand

Britney: The Rollercoaster
Tea cups
Cotton candy
Stuffed animals
Bumper cars that travel 30 mph


Sketch 5: Michael Vick: Standup Comedian

Mr. Vick doing his best to not be funny. Is funny. "It's 100% guaranteed I'll play Sunday." He won't play Sunday. "Damn refs." The refs didn't "break" his hand. "I/me/my" references. You talk a lot about yourself, Vick. "What'd I say?" You are fucking hilarious, Vick.


Sketch 6: Joe McGinniss and the Palins: “Neighbors”

Two houses on set, emptiness in between
Both families on their porches, staring at each other
Trade barbs
McGinniss: mean to wife and kids, writing on laptop, throws things on to Palin’s lawn,
Palins: Sex, happy kids, on phone with Cheney, etc (Rep. powerbrokers) barely notice McGinniss
McGinniss gets angry at them for not noticing him – throws copies of his book at them, hits Sarah with it, Todd beats up McGinniss


Song #2: "I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman"

That's a pretty cool song.


Close: "Thank You"

You're welcome.

Fucking Beautiful

Half of us, I swear

Why? How?

I know that
Most of the hate and anger and violence in the world
Has as its roots gay men who hate themselves
For wanting to have sex with other men

We eliminate the stigma and you’ll see
Fucking beautiful
I swear to god
That’s true

Love your fellow men
And yourself
And good things follow

===========

This will all be funny in a hundred years

Not There Yet: Lonely Hearts Club

"Across The Universe" - The Beatles - Let It Be
"Talkin' Bout A Revolution" - Tracy Chapman - Tracy Chapman
"Wake Me Up When September Ends" - Green Day - American Idiot
"Beautiful Day" - U2 - All That You Can't Leave Behind
"Baby I Love You" - Aretha Franklin - 30 Greatest Hits
"Redemption Song" - Bob Marley - Legend
"When The Heartache Is Over" - Tina Turner - Twenty Four Seven

=============

10%?
Try 50

So hurt
So angry
So troubled

So many

Everywhere

Have courage
And show us how

Micheal Vick: The End of the Line

He looked like the happiest guy in the stadium walking off the field with a broken right hand after the game.

He's relieved he doesn't have to play the game he hates so much for another two months. How sad.

Vick is a quarter billion dollar disappointment to football fans, Virginia, the Falcons, and the Eagles. He just doesn't want to play and looks for opportunities to get hit and hurt.

Athletically the only two who can compare to Vick in the history of football are Jim Brown and Marcus Dupree. Dupree is a hell of a nice guy and Brown is the greatest ever.

=============

Would you want him on your team after what he's done to the Falcons and Eagles?

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Jennifer Lopez Ties Knot With (To Be Announced)!!

What will J-Lo's additional future marraiges look like? Now that's she's got the first two starters and the "have babies with another famous person" out of the way, who will she marry in the future? Here's how I break it down:

==========

4th - 2012 - With Russell Brand, once he detaches himself from Katy Perry and is allowed to get himself a real babe. Jennifer and Russell will not have children due to Russell's nonexistant sperm count.

5th - 2014 - With Marc Anthony for the 2nd time. J-Lo gives birth to eight more children and Marc Anthony starts going by the name Octo Dad Anthony. The bride will wear white, of course.

6th - 2016 - Older woman magnet Ryan Gosling lands J-Lo. The bride will wear white, of course.

7th - 2017 - Married to Lou Diamond Phillips and they'll perform together (LDP as Ritchie Valens, J-Lo as Donna) in an Off Off Off Broadway rendition of "La Bamba Unplugged"

8th - 2018 - Marc Anthony for the 3rd time, breaking Liz Taylor and Richard Burton's most "Please Don't..." marraiges by a single celebrity couple. The bride will wear a white pant suit, of course.

9th - 2021 - Married to famous WNBA Head Coach Michael Jordan, who coaches and General Manages the Milwaukee Jordannaires of the WNBA's expansion division. Jordan's assistant coaches Bill Laimbeer, Michael Cooper, Buzz Peterson, and John Paxson serve as best men. J-Lo announces plans to star in "The Help II."

10th and possibly final J-Lo marraige - 2031 - At 62 years young, Jennifer ties the knot with George Lopez to save money on wedding invitations.

And we're done.

Corn Is A Weed

Want to blame Sam Walton? Ray Kroc? Bill Gates? Go ahead.

I won't. Corn is a weed taking over this planet, inch by inch. It's in everything and not going away. It's in those chips in your hand, the chicken and vegetables you had for dinner, in the Coke you're drinking and in the ice cream you had for dessert. It's in literally almost everything.

Why is corn taking over the planet? I have no idea. Sometimes things happen and we have to make the best of it.

Go ahead, blame Michelle O'Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Ronald Reagan. Blame whomever you want. Corn is here and it isn't going away.

I have no idea what to have for dinner tomorrow night.

==========

Remember: An ear of corn never took a good shit. (circle of life)

Notes On NBC's "Biggest Loser" Season Premiere

-- Lift, Anna. Lift.

-- TV Show Idea: "Law and Order: The Biggest Loser" -- Jerry Orbach's younger brother investigates the death of a contestant due to auto erotic asphyxiation (Thanks, bitch). Da da. Da da.

-- TV Show Idea: "Biggest Loser: NFL Lineman (not named Antone Davis)" -- Former players compete to see who can lose the most weight. Maybe the WNBA, too? Lots of black people, obviously.

-- Is this dignified for THE Anna Kournikova? She is obviously a dream, but is this the right move? I don't know. She did great.

-- The whole idea of yelling at people to get in shape baffles me. You want help? Go find it. Screaming at people to stay on the treadmill? Not my cup of tea. That lasts about a week, then folks do their own thing. My idea of motivation is giving a Screw Up a "I'm disappointed in you" vibe. And I love going to the gym (despite my weight problem).

-- Antone Davis' traps remind me why they are the coolest male muscle group above the waist.

-- They should show someone puking on "The Biggest Loser." Then you'd know they were working hard.

-- Great show, but I'm not spending about 1.5% of my weekly allotment of hours watching. Sorry. Best of luck. It's a really good show.

-- TV Show Idea: "The Kids of the Bollettieri Tennis Academy" -- How are they doing? Jimmy Arias, Andre Agassi, Anna, and the ones who didn't make it big. I'd be fascinated as a sports fan to find out what those folks are up to. They were tennis machines from the age of 5. How is life treating them? This idea is made for ESPN.

-- Why do they make the women on BL show their abs? That's a lot to ask of an obese woman. I have no idea why they do that.

-- It is my belief that people who cry in public are always manipulators. Always. In every case.

Poems

Kittery, Maine

That woman
With the wig
Has shit on me for fifteen years

Every single time
She sees me
She wishes me pain
And loss
Like she feels


I95 Blues

The question isn't if
Or when
But how many
And will they succeed

En garde
On guard
It doesn't matter


Kittery, Maine - Part II

10,000 screaming maniacs, live
Carol Burnett's ear tug and
Tim Conway's elephant story
Bad chicken and
Stale bread

Good blackhead clearing mirror
(scared stiff)

They won't let me watch Anna

And I can't
Wait to touch home

Untitled

It's all false
And I can tell time
The stories told
Were lies
To protect
Whom?
Dead people
And themselves

The aged and mothers
Smell like their lives

Baby Maker / Baby Make Her

That picture of a little one
Inside mother
And the shipyard cop
Gave me pause
Enough to see
What they would do to me
If allowed to

Put me away in a hole
They would

Happy Birthday to The Boss

He's 744 months old today.

Think about how FEW that is.

What has he done with his 744 months on this rock. What have you done? What have I done.

Something to think about, man.

Beautiful

I just have to laugh...

Soulless: You Ever Watch a YouTube of the Greatest 3 Pointers in NBA History?

Fuck no. It's destroying the greatest game ever invented (by a Canadian).

This is basketball

This is basketball

This is awesomeness

"Pop Dunk" Master Shawn Kemp

Don't you see? The 3 is killing the best sport ever.

I'll Set The Record Straight On The Great Rick Barry, Just Because It Needs To Be Done

This is a man who is passionate about life.

(When I listen I hear pure awesomeness)

=============

Rick Barry has taken a lot of crap in his life from many places.

But he is having, I'll bet, the last laugh.

He has six kids, three of whom had NBA careers, two of which were real long. Scooter won an NCAA title with Danny and the Miracles. Brent was the first son in father/son history to win NBA titles. Jon was a hell of a player for someone who transferred schools after his freshman year. Drew was a baaad point guard at Georgia Tech (in the T shirt).

It's impossible to, from the outside, see whether the man is and was happy with his life. But I'll bet he is. He was one bad ass white boy on the court. Ask someone who knows.

==============

Rick Barry won an NBA title in 1975 with the Golden State Warriors, who have been shit since. He was one of the first players to sign an ABA contract. He brought passing to a new level in the game. He never missed an underhanded free throw in his entire fucking career. He had balls, he had brains, he had ego, he had style.

Bill Russell was wrong to publicly humiliate Rick for the "watermelon smile" comment Barry let out on the air. Russell acted small, and Bill Russell is not a small man.

Rick Barry was and is an athletic God. One of the greatest ever. I wish he was still playing.

What If

I’m gay. I’m black. I a woman. I'm a kid. I was blind.

What if I had a “job”. What if I hadn’t come home from VA. What if I was good at anything. What if I was married. What if I was abused. What if I had friends. What if anyone had said “yes”. What if I was ugly and skinny. What if I didn’t read books and magazines. What if she had called me. What if she hadn’t given up on me. What if Dad wasn’t such a creep. What if she was stronger. What if they didn’t hate me so much. What if I had gone to Quinnipiac. What if Miami wasn’t so cheap. What if we had cellphones in 1984. What if I wasn’t an accounting major. What if I was a teacher. What if I was gay. What if people hadn’t been so mean to me all my life. What if I wasn’t a virgin until I was 30. What if my family was normal. What if I got better grades in high school. What if I had made the freshman basketball team. What if I had made the POP WARNER football team. What if I hadn’t gone back to the gym three years ago. What if she wasn’t so completely fucked up. What if she had remembered me. What if I had never been born. What if I had taken another 50 aspirin. What if he didn’t say, “He should have finished the job.”

Paradise/"Paradise"

Coldplay gave birth to a new song on David Letterman yesterday.

It's called "Paradise."

Like a newborn infant being birthed by a frightened, loving, and strong willed mother, "Paradise" was sprung upon an unsuspecting but needy world late Tuesday night East Coast time.

Already it's been a gift to many.

Can't wait for the album, boys.

Beginning Now

taught to hate
taught to hate
taught to hate and hurt
I trend differently

alone
with nobody's ass to stare at
no one's hand to hold onto

some, many that I know, see
are so very, very mean
for that I can't yet forgive

and never will forget
only try to build
and tear
and work a bit

Andy Staples New Column From SI.com

Here

Andy, you forgot "Rivalry Week." Say it three times fast. I dare you.

Our New Fall Lineup

The blogging game is going nowhere, so we here in/at/of The 'Pent have decided to start our own television network. Apartment404.tv.com is where you'll find it, starting Saturday the 24th. Here's our lineup:

============

2-5pm EST - "The Injury Show" -- Hosted by the wonderful, beautiful and sweet Jenn Brown, this show will have, in slow motion instant replay, the greatest injuries in the history of televised sports. We'll show every broken bone (LT on Joe Theismann), every ghastly knee (Willis McGahee of The U against Ohio State), every concussion (Troy Aikman and Joe Montana by the Giants), every stretched and torn ligament (Robert Edwards of the Pats out in Hawaii), every broken tooth/teeth (Bobby Clarke), and every one of the shots will be in EXCITING 3-D! Jenn will interview the injured years later to get their impressions of the pain, blood, and rehab. "How'd it feel when that bone was sticking out of your leg? (Sam Bowie)" This is a brilliant idea. I think it'd play.

5-5:30 - "The Keys to a Successful Marraige" -- Love advice from Your Favorite Hollywood Celebrities. Kind of like Robin Leach's "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous", with insights into those awesome and long lasting LA marraiges. Advice? Marry for business, sex for procreation, no hugging, no learning.

5:30-6:00pm - "All in the Family" Reruns -- Hey, man. It's my network. Carroll O'Connor was mid 40s when the show, a remake of an English comedy, started. The same age as I am now. I think he might have been a bit of a smoker and drinker. Great television, though sometimes Jean Stapleton's Edith makes me sad. Then Archie says something brilliant and I'm theirs again.

6-7pm - SportsCenter with Hannah Storm and Dan Patrick -- What'd I just say?

7-10pm - Whatever Boston team is playing Broadcast by Sean McDonough and Jerry Remy. These guys make me laugh. They're just a couple of fun, funny dudes. McDonough could broadcast The Golden Globes and make it fun. Tom Larson would be in studio.

10-11pm - "Sober LA" Live broadcast from twelve step meetings in the City of Angels. Tell me you wouldn't watch that. Lots of "sobriety" in Fakerland. Yeah, right.

11-11:35pm - "Local News" -- This is when I pee, take a shower, and brush my teeth. Lots of car crashes and all the injuries we missed on "The Injury Show." Eight minutes of weather (and they still don't know).

11:35pm-12:35am - "The Late Show With David Letterman" -- What? You thought I'd say "Nightline?"

12:35-4am - "Music Videos -- Music videos on demand. Britney, Bruce, Graham Parker, Fine Young Cannibals, Aimee Mann, Tony Bennett, etc.

4 - 5am - "Test Pattern" -- To see if it really would get ratings.

5-5:05am - "The Star Spangled Banner" by Whitney -- Every damn day.

5:05-7am - "Local News Wakeup Call" -- This is when I wake up, take care of business/shower/take meds/etc. Who watches the local news?

7-10am - "Sportscenter with Steve Levy and Sage Steele live from LA" -- Rise and shine, guys.

10-11am - "The Today Show with Hoda and Kathie Lee" -- Awesome TV.

11am-noon - "The View With Elisabeth Hasselbeck" -- More awesome TV.

noon-2pm - "Reading Time With Apt404" -- I read. On TV? Yes. On TV.

25 Bucks

At 25 bucks per “fan”, if we get 80,000 of you fuckers to mail a check in to The ‘Pent, I’ll never bother y’all again with the nagging, nagging, nagging. Eighty thousand of you. At 25 bucks per. Can any one of you do that for me? Because what each and every one of you does matters. To me and to everyone else.

Joe Sweeney – Head Writer
Apartment404.blogspot.com
1125 Brighton Avenue – Apt 404
Portland, ME 04102

I’ll sign every check personally, just like that Seinfeld episode. (Cramps) If you don’t have a checking account (and I know a lot of you don’t) don’t you dare send The ‘Pent anything but a mash note.

Seriously.

Blessings

The city of Boston has been blessed with some great, great athletes in the last hundred years. The three coolest were Teddy Fucking Ballgame, Bob Cousy, and Bobby Orr. Hands down the coolest of the cool. There were so many others that were and are close that I won't list them.

But every city has their own list:

===========

New York: Patrick Ewing, LT, Lou Gehrig

LA: Jerry West, Deacon Jones, and Sandy Koufax

Philly: The Bull, Julius, and Ron Jaworski, who loves football like he loves his Mom.

The Cities by the Bay: Bobby Bonds, Joe Montana, and Al Davis

San Antonio: Tim Duncan, James Silas, Larry Kenon

Dallas: Roger Staubach, Troy Aikman, Deion (yes, it's true)

Chicago: Sweetness Payton, Shoeless and Hall of Fameless Joe Jackson, Dick Butkus ("DICK BUTKUS")

St. Louis: Bob Petit, Albert Pujols, and Bob fucking Gibson

Baltimore/DC: Jim Palmer (and Earl Weaver. they probably still call each other up to bitch), Johnny U, Elvin "E" Hayes

Miami: Dan Marino, Bob Griese, and Antoine Walker

Toronto: Tom Henke with the glasses, George Bell, Tai Domi

Cleveland: Lyle Alzado, Omar Vizquel, and Albert Belle (he could crush you and me like a couple of grapes, still)

Pittsburgh: Franco Harris, Mario Lemieux, and Roberto Clemente

Houston: The Tyler Rose, Joe Sambito, Hakeem


Who's on your city's list? And if you don't have one you should, I think.

Barriers

The desire to have sex with a man, if you're a man
Is akin to masturbation somehow
Psychologically
And gay males are taught to hate themselves
By their gay parents
Because of the shame
Of a good spanking

I know this is true
It just came to me at the gym
Wow

Big Night at the Emmys for "Modern Family", Sad Night for Gay Sex

"Modern Family" is a wonderful, very funny show. A treasure amongst the wilderness of television.

But the idea that this show is advancing gay people's lives is bullshit. There is less gay sex on "Modern Family" than at the FBI Building during J. Edgar's time.

Come on, man. Sex it up a bit. I dare you.

The Big Man's Interception

Darnest thing I've seen on a football field since McMahon's goofy headbands in Super Bowl XX.

It's nice when good things happen to good people. That was cool as shit.

But the best part of the play by Vince was his keeping two hands on the ball. He wasn't thinking "6", he was thinking "W." Damnest thing I've seen in a while.

Y'all got a lot of work to do, but with men like Vince Wilfork on the team there's bad news ahead for the opposition.

Next week I'm predicting 900-nothing, Pats. And a nice day in Buffalo.

=========

The odds of Vince Wilfork intercepting a ball are about the same as Myra Kraft picking one out of the air. But it happened, and it was beautiful. Deal with it, folks.

2021

What will this country, this world, look like in 10 years? I wonder.

===========

I believe we will become less outwardly but more inwardly violent in a passively aggressive way. People will get even more of a sick thrill out of awful crap TV shows like "Law & Order: Rape." We will become more hateful and bigoted without even realizing it. Children will hit puberty at 9 years old. Drinking water will become even more of a commodity.

(Where is Justice Warren? Where is Justice Marshall? Where have you gone Ted Williams?)

There will be less death and more pain. Humanity will watch and not live. Public education will get worse, the rich will get richer, and the stupid will stay stupid.

In 2021 the Phillies will get back to suckage. Superteam will still be waiting for Vick to finish a season. The Patriots will be five time Super Bowl Champions. And the Red Sox will continue to break my heart.

Can You Feel The Game?

Larry Bird in the long hair and and short shorts
Not the short hair and long shorts
Isiah at IU, not Detroit
Earl Campbell with Bum, not the Saints
Pistol Pete anywhere but Utah
Ken Stabler with the Ray-das, not the Saints

Cut a video of White Shoes Johnson
And don’t show the dance and I know you’re a kid who doesn’t read or notice
Think the Ickey Shuffle wasn’t icky
And I am even more sure

Think The Ghost played anwhere but across the bridge
Don’t get chills listening to John Facenda
Don’t listen to the Canadian anthem on an NHL game up in Canada
Don’t want to punch Bobby Clarke’s toothless grin
And you’ll show your ignorance
Of American history, of sports

Dave Gavitt and the Big East

Dave Gavitt died today at 73 after a lengthy illness

=========

One of the most important men in the history of basketball
Gavitt coached the oh-so-cool Providence Friars Final Four team of 1973
And the US Olympic team in 1980
He started the Big East and
Organized The Dream Team

=========

History Lesson:
His Providence team in '73 was
A wrenched knee away from toppling the dynasty

You tell me that ain't so

=========

I recall
My main memory of Ernie DiGregorio, Coach Gavitt's favorite
Was of him feeding John Havlicek in Hondo's last game
Spring of '78, at the Boston Garden
Ernie D had
A flashback
To what might have been
For the most inventive playmaker
(Since Cousy?)

=========

Word from ESPN today is that Syracuse is leaving the Big East
To search for more football dollars
In the ACC

Did Coach Gavitt know?

I Love Foreign Films

Wanna see a really great movie? Watch "Waltz With Bashir", an Israeli movie about the Sabra and Chatilla massacres, which just happened to have happened twenty nine years ago today. Astonishing film.

THIS Is The City Of Boston In Photos:

Right here

Fucking Bastards Won't Leave Me Alone

Alright. Alright. We're going to put to rest the rumors that Hank Szabo, head writer here at Apt404, is gay. It's not true. He's all man. But....

==============

Here's the evidence offered in various chat rooms throughout Southern Maine that attempt to prove Hank is homosexual:

==============

He loves "Phantom of the Opera", but not the soundtrack from the movie. Crawford.

He reads ALL the fashion magazines.

He paints his toenails.

He eats bananas by the bushel.

He can cook decently, and is trying to learn more.

He adores "West Side Story" and knows that the cast and crew was one big fagfest, besides Natalie Wood.

He has a tiny Hugh Grant poster, from the second Bridget Jones movie, on the ceiling in the kitchen.

He dislikes intensely the phony that is Sandy Bullock. And he knows she has limited taste.

He listens to Britney Spears a lot.

He read, and liked, "I Am Charlotte Simmons."

He knows Wilt was gay.

He can listen to and be brought nearly to tears by the song "My Heart Will Go On", but can't stand Kate's hair in that movie.

He could listen to awesomely handsome Joe Buck announce NASCAR and still pay attention.

Come On, Man

Busing Story in the Portland Press Herald.

===========

Where is my cat?
Where is my cat?
Is she over here?
Or maybe over there.

In the closet?
Under the bookshelf?
Where is my cat.

I just saw her an hour ago.

Why don't cats just stay in one place all day?

BECAUSE THEY'RE CATS

Life in Indy -- 1955 -- (Just a Start)

My mother was quite popular back in high school at St. Agnes Academy in Indianapolis, Indiana. Her girlfriends admired her poise and seriousness and compassion. She brooked no dissension amongst them and they loved her for it. It seemed effortless, but Mom had a sadness about her that drew people in and kept them at a distance at the same time. She was very pretty except for a slightly oversize nose, makeup always perfect. Tall and shy, she sometimes walked into things in the street on her way to and from school, her nose in a book and mind deep in thought. She hated the too hot Indiana summers, finding solace and air conditioning in movie theaters, the only place to get out of the July and August heat. Escape from the flatness, the boringness of the Midwest was foremost on her mind as a teenager. "I'll marry the first man I love" she sometimes thought.

In 1955 she was dating the boy next door. Literally. Their second floor bedroom windows were perfectly aligned, so that the young man could call, point through the window to her, and Mom would pick up the phone before it even rang. They would talk for a while, about nothing much, excited to be getting away with something under their parents noses but not sharing any real secrets. The relationship was immature, and that was fine with mom, who did not love this boy or any of the other Indiana kids she dated. She was looking for more, and to get out of that fucking state.

One of her favorite things to do as a girl was attend basketball sectionals at Hinkle Fieldhouse, on Butler University's lovely campus just a few miles from her home on Crittenden. All Indiana folks loved and lived for the state basketball tournament come springtime, and she was no different. Her father, my Grandfather, knew the names of every player on every school in the city. When his girls were small Grandpa would drag all them, and baby Jerry, to all sorts of games. Eventually the three sisters even grew to enjoy attending, though they didn't know most of the rules and were thus unable to follow much of the action on the court/rink/diamond. Simply being with their father as he enjoyed himself was enough. My Grandparents didn't have a television set in 1955. It was only when Grandpa found out that he could watch televised sports that they broke down and bought one

===========

Oscar Robertson went to an all black high school, back when few questioned why African-Americans and whites shouldn't attend the same schools. He grew up poor and angry in the inner city of Indianapolis. Oscar played basketball desperately, fiercely, and all alone when he was on the floor. A killer of a player but not a good teammate, he led Crispus Attucks High to consecutive state titles and an undefeated season in his senior year. The brilliance of his game and the orneriness of his personality would forever confuse and fascinate the masses, both in the media and public.

===========

David Letterman grew up in a happy household in the Broad Ripple section of Indy, in a home where his father and mother were a bit overwhelmed by life and its burdens but forever striving to provide their only child with all he needed. They loved him completely, unconditionally, though maybe too much. Dave's father would come home from work at 5:30 and slump heavily into his favorite chair, another day complete. Another to come tomorrow. His Mom would cook and bake endlessly, almost obsessively, and would keep tabs, lightly, on young David throughout the day when he was not in school. Even in elementary school, young David was popular and funny. He had figured out early how to get people to like him.

===========

In 1955 Bill Haley and the Comets released "Rock Around the Clock", the first radio hit rock and roll song. James Dean's first two movies arrived: "Rebel Without A Cause" and "East of Eden." "Mister Roberts", a WWII comedy masterpiece, came out. J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" was published, the trilogy complete.

In sports, the Brooklyn Dodgers finally, finally beat the Yanks in the World Series, their first and only title in Flatbush. Bill Russell led the University of San Francisco to the first of consecutive national men's basketball championships, and the greatest winner in sports history was off and running. The University of Kansas Allen Fieldhouse was opened. And the Browns won the NFL title, believe it or not.

===========

That was a long time ago, but really, in some ways, not so long.

This Just In

AP -- (Boston)

The Boston Red Sox have decided to end the 2011 season early, cancelling the remainder of their schedule. General Manager Theo Epstein reportedly sent a computerized message to manager Terry Francona, telling him to "fucking bag it, dude." Sox ownership will reportedly give full refunds to all fans who request them.

After extensive discussions amongst ownership, G.M. Epstein, and consultant Bill James, the Red Sox franchise will, for the first time in team history, give up. The statement released by the team: "It is with much sadness that we cancel the last 16 games of the year but the media has convinced us we have no chance. A sad day in Red Sox history, but a necessary one for closure. We should have given up in 1978, too."

How To Shoot A Basketball

Just FYI, because I have nothing better to do. Today is my day off.

=============

To shoot a basketball righthanded you use your right hand as the "guide hand" and your left as the "top hand." I don't care what nomenclature coaches teach their pupils. This is the way it works: Get your top hand out of the way of your guide hand when you shoot and you'll be a good shooter. Like I am (I am a good shooter until the game starts).

I think it confuses young players to tell them to GUIDE the ball with their left hand. Actually, the left/top hand needs to get OUT OF THE WAY of the ball as you release. It doesn't guide anything, it needs to disappear off the top of the ball at the moment the shot is released. Telling kids to guide with their left is wrong and sends a confusing mental picture. Book it.

=============

David Robinson was a player who made a decent percentage of his jump shots and foul shots but who had terrible form since his left or top hand was in the way of the release of the ball. Chris Mullin may have had the most perfect jump shot ever because his top hand, which for him as a lefty was his right, slid off the top of the ball and got out of the way of his guide or shooting hand. Don't emulate Robinson in shooting the ball. It can only hurt the ballclub.

What Do Teenagers Do?

1) They get high

or

2) They play sports

or

3) They get high and play video games

or

4) They play in a band and get high sometimes, but not all the time

or

5) They read books and watch the world


==============

I'm #5. I read and watched.

That's really all there is for a teenager to do. You think your kid doesn't fall into one of these categories? You're full of shit. Think about what YOU were doing when you were 15. Your kids do the same things. How did you feel about your parents? Your kids feel the same way about you. Deal with it.

What if the Pats lose tonight?

It could happen. You think Bill Parcells is fooling around down there? The Dolphins could certainly win tonight.

But I am sick and tired of hearing about how Tom Brady only has a year or two left. Bullshit. Joe Montana. Johnny Unitas. Bart Starr. Tarkenton. Len Dawson. Dan fucking Marino. Steve Young just graduated from BYU when he was Brady's age. Come on, man. Knowing the history of the NFL, I know that Brady has potentially a half dozen years left.

There are always tomorrows. Don't take the first game of the season so damn serious, folks. Going 0-1 wouldn't be the end of the world.

It could be worse. We could be in Philly.

You

If you are a heterosexual man in America
And you're not watching Ray Lewis kick some Steeler ass right now
Or some other NFL
There is something wrong with you
That I can't fix

We're Not Bullshitting Here

How did racism come about? It's actually based on the healthy human desire to surround oneself with safe people.

==========

Humans were, are, a tribal people. We like to feel safe and surround ourselves with people we can trust so we can nest, eat, and shit in peace. That desire for trust developed over many thousands of years, back in the caveman days, as a method of survival. How did you know who was going to try to hurt you? People with different faces, skin type and color, different hair type, those were the people to watch out for. We want to be with our own to we can let our guard down and be ourselves, be safe.

==========

I can spot a loser in one and a half seconds. That instinct has been honed over 45 years of betrayal and lies. I trust my instinct for self preservation over anything you say to me. I know people, and I know who to trust.

And I am scared of people who don't look like me. Black people. Hispanics. Indians. Whatever. That is because I am human, and a bit of an animal. It's OK.

In Honor of King Peter of SI...

...we're picking the score at every five minute mark of the Monday Night Patriots vs Fins game:

start of 1st Q -- The score will 0-0.

10:00 left in 1st Q -- The score will still be 0-0.

5:00 left in 1st Q -- Tom Brady on a 2 yard quarterback sneak to make it 6-0. Gostkowski to miss the extra point. Wide right.

end of 1st Q -- Still 6-0 Pats.

10:00 left in 2nd Q -- Still 6-0 Pats.

5:00 left in 2 Q -- Fins score on a Henne to Yeatman 4.5 yard TD pass. Kick is good. 7-6 Fins.

Halftime -- 7-6 Dolphins lead. Coach Belichick tears boys a new one at half.

10:00 left in 3rd Q -- Pats take 13-7 lead on Danny Woodhead 35.5 yard reception from Brady. Kick is good. Right up the middle.

5:00 left in 3rd Q -- Dolphins retake lead, 14-13 on Henne to Anthony Fasano TD pass.

end of 3rd Q -- Still 14-13 Fins. Coach Belichick rips team new assholes.

10:00 left in 4th Q -- No score change. Coach Gruden and Jaws discuss sales of Jaws book.

5:00 left in 4th Q -- Gruden and Jaws still discussing sales of Jaws book.

0:01 left in game -- Reggie Bush of Dolphins fumbles at own 10 yard line. Vince Wilfork of NE recovers and brings it in to win the game for the Pats. Coach Belichick rips Vince for leaving one second on clock.

Pats win 20-14. Book it.

Fascinating Day Watching US Open Tennis

1) It's on tomorrow. Andy Roddick versus Rafa in one of the quarters, Isner in the other versus Andy Murray. Should be really good. Two Americans playing on 9-9-11. And maybe two Americans in the final on Monday?


2) Ask for the trainer again Djokovic when you're not really hurt and the crowd will, should, turn on you. We don't do that in America. You wanna learn about mental toughness? Ask New Yorker and US citizen Mr. Ivan Lendl what it takes to make it on Broadway.


3) Chrissie's dress? Breathtaking.


4) The players are angling for a union. That's a good thing for them, and for everybody. Curt Flood and Marvin Miller started a floodgate of dollars into major league baseball. A union can only be a good thing for tennis. Don't fight it so hard, management.


5) Hilarious to hear the jets roaring over the grounds this morning. "We'll show you who's boss" says New York City.


5) The most lucrative sporting event on the planet needs to be better run. Clearly a dome or roof is needed over Arthur Ashe Stadium. And the unnecessary delays in getting the Roddick match started reflect poorly on the tourney organizers. Come on, man. This is big. This is the Open. It can be better run.


7) Serena Williams is a glorious sunbeam of a woman. I am rooting for her in a big way. She is class, niceness, and a fighter. She and her sister are America.

It's About Energy

The University of Miami University played this evening, I think
The U Uptown, here in Portland

Tonight friends, from far away relatively speaking, showed up at Munjoy Hill
And did well

You should / They are
Two good guys, not missing out on anything

--

Live life one day, one moment, all alone
Each cherished
I say
And make a difference
With others

---

Money? Hah. I dump on your dollars.
I don’t need your bank account
To feel this way
I can breath the energy from across the room
And country
My mind body connection, I will not research
Only glide with

Andy Staples of SI.com

This is really good writing, I think.

That dude watches a lot of TV.

Deep Thoughts

by Apt404

===========

Energy is a mystery

We don't know why gravity exists

But it does

For everyone and everything no matter the size


Why did you wear that blouse today?

What made you serve chicken and broccoli last night?

Why is there air?


It's all very much a mystery

Impossible to understand fully

And mostly delicious

Patriots Thought

The team is awarding Full Tilt Bruschi's number 54 to new acquisition Brian Waters. YOU. BETTER. PRODUCE.

Getting the former third round pick and current insurance salesman's number means pressure.

With only 99 possible unis to hand out, teams almost never retire numbers, and Bruschi's won't be. But come on, he's only been gone from the team a couple of years.

If Waters misses a block and gets Brady blown up my TV is gonna get thrown out the window.

I Would NEVER...

-- Buy a bigger house than I need.

-- Take a fucking cruise. Getting stuck on a cruise ship with two thousand smelly strangers and their smelly clothes would suck and drive me crazy after about three hours. And what if the food sucked? What then?

-- go to the Olympics. Total shitshow. Too much security and too many guns. Doesn't look like any fun at all. Maybe a Track and Field Championship somewhere in Europe.

-- go to a bigtime soccer game anywhere. What madness. People die by the scores at those things.

-- see the Running of the Bulls. Insanity. Too scary and stupid. Europe, what is wrong with you? We shoot cows here not get run over by them.

-- take PEDs. I'm huge anyway.

-- shop at WalMart unless I absolutely have to.

-- cheat on a woman

-- Hunt. Just not my style. I'll eat venison someday, but I'm not a hunter. Probably just because my Dad never took me. Not much for being in the woods.

-- Buy a pickup truck. Too many bad associations.

-- Ride on a motorcycle. Not only would I never buy one, I'll never get on one. Ever. Pure loudness. And from what I hear they tear your ass up good. What's the point? My Corolla gets me from A to B in style (though not too much).

-- Skydive. I'm terrified of heights. I get up on a stepladder and my shorts are full.

-- Dance. Ain't gonna happen. Watch Ellen if you need a fix.

If I Had Money, I'd...

-- See a game at Camp Randall. Wisconsin against the Bucks or Wolverines. How cool would that be?

-- Attend the US Open tennis tournament for the FIRST week, not the second. Too much heartache and pressure the second week, and a lot fewer matches. I love college football because there's always another game to watch. Same thing with the first three rounds of the majors.

-- See Vancouver. Enough said.

-- Go to a really fantastic restaurant with unbelievable food and great service and leave a huge tip, just because I wanted to. Once or twice would be enough.

-- see UNC vs Duke at Cameron. Or really any game there. I'll bet TV doesn't do it justice. I get chills thinking about what those kids at Duke do for their team.

-- see any SEC football game, any stadium. I live in Maine, man. We have the University of Southern Maine here, and they don't even play DIII. Shit, SEC football is royalty.

-- see a Britney concert. And Bruce. And the Stones.

-- Paint. I got ideas.

-- See football games at South Bend, Michie, BYU, the Big House, Ohio State

-- Go to another Final Four. Went in 06 and didn't really get the experience I wanted. I'd love to go to the open practices. The Women's Final Four this year was way cool, but I'm a man and want to see the men play someday again.

-- Buy a book I see on Amazon if I wanted it. To not be concerned with the price or where I'll put it would be heaven.

-- download some serious shitload of music from iTunes

The Evolution of Football

I like to know where the game is going just as much as where it's been. Two years from now? In five years?

==============

I grew up in the late 1970s and the most influential coaches were Woody Hayes, Bear Bryant, and Joe Paterno. These three men liked to run on first and second down and maybe throw on third if the situation called for more than four yards. At the time, I thought, "That's football. That's the way the game will always be played."

The game changed. The "Run and Shoot" started with, I think, Mouse Davis and Jim Kelly in the USFL but really didn't gain much traction at the time. A lot of other coaches clung to their belief that with a pass, three things can happen and two are bad. And since the stadiums were usually packed, there wasn't much need to change.

But change did come, and is coming even quicker these last couple of years. Coach Chip Kelly first at UNH as offensive coordinator for Sean McDonnell and then out at Oregon gets a ton of credit, as he should, but a lot of coaches are changing their styles. Bob Stoops at OU completely changed the way one of the most important football schools played, and quickly won a national championship in 2000 with the spread style and has won a ton of games since.

The spread option offense and the use of picture cards to send in signals have changed offenses, and, consequently, defenses. It's like a 3.5 hour basketball game now. And that has led to, in my mind, the coolest new thing: the inclusion and evolution of the black quarterback. I grew up in a time when blacks were too "dumb" to play QB. Doug Williams of the Redskins winning a Super Bowl in 1988 was a very big deal. Nineteen eight eight! Just twenty three years ago! There are college redshirt senior players who were born that year. Hopefully their parents have told them about Doug Williams. Warren Moon was a Rose Bowl winning QB at the University of Washington in 1978, had a rocket arm and great size, AND WENT UNDRAFTED because he was black. He played in Canada for a few years, then came down and tore up the NFL and is a Hall of Famer. Bitter? I think he should be (nice man, apparently and hasn't let that kind of crap take over his life from what I can tell through the media).

Literally, up until just a few years ago black kids who were good athletes were NOT allowed to play the QB position, starting in peewee/Pop Warner. It was the way things were done. Today, the game belongs to the black quarterback at the college level. When will it hit the NFL? No one knows. But some desperate coach will take a chance and win some games, and then blacks will own that position at the NFL level. Book it.

=============

It's my belief that with offenses controlling the ball better with the short passing game, turnovers become even more important. It's hard to get a team to punt nowadays, so the only way to get the ball back is by a strip or a pick. Tacklers have long been taught to strip the ball on the tackle, but it's more important than ever.

=============

The home field/crowd advantage is almost nonexistant for good teams on the road. All the nonverbal signals and signs coming in from the sidelines mean that no team really should wilt on the road. It's not like hockey, where the home team gets the last line change. The officials may be affected by the crowd noise (read "Scorecasting") but the players shouldn't.

=============

I think speedy receivers with stone hands are a thing of the past. Wes Welker type receivers are going to play a much bigger role than Braylon Edwards types. Edwards drops always cost his team more than his big plays help. Welker is the future at wide receiver.

=============

The Linebacker position as fans have known it is extinct. First and ten is not a run down anymore. It's a passing down. Teams need defensive backs to cover and lineman and outside rushers to get to the quarterback. Jered Mayo was on the cover of SI this week. How many more middle linebackers will ever have that privilege?

=============

In the NFL field goals are about 80% automatic, so it's good strategy to kick from just about anywhere on the other team's side of the field. But I am sick and tired of seeing conservative coaches in the college game let shitty kickers try a 44 yarder and having it leave the stadium through a gate on the side of the field. STOP kicking field goals if it's not a percentage play! Go for it on 4th and 5 at the 30. Go for it! You're hurting your team if you don't.

=============

My two cents worth for the morning.

Get Set

The NFL season kicks off next weekend. And next weekend is also the 10th Anniversary of September 11th.

There will be big doings by the league in remembrance, I'm sure. The Jets got the home date instead of the Giants. Just about the best one (it better be) will undoubtebly be held at University of Phoenix Stadium by the Cardinals, for Pat Tillman. And FedEx Field will be jumping, too.

It's an important date in our country's history and the NFL will surely do right by everyone.

Why.

The reason the abused are so attractive to us is that they combine the two most healthy urges a human can have: Sexual longing and the desire to parent.

It's in Hollywood. It's everywhere you look.

I have compassion for all in this twisted cycle of instinct gone haywire.

Fins on the Horizon: Impressions of Pats Last Preseason Game

Ryan Mallett simply looked bad and what's more his body language was dreadful. He made zero good throws in his time out there and spent the night glaring at and yelling at his receivers. WTF? This the NFL, kid. You make your own breaks and if you can't move the team you're working at Sears. Sears sucks. You may be cut this upcoming week, and if that happens some other club will pick you up certainly. Try to learn from your mistakes, because you have serious, serious ability (physical) and a decent football brain. There are tens of millions of dollars at stake. Try to act like it.

===========

Is Deion Branch hurt or was he simply taking it easy in the preseason? I don't know. I have faith in the man. He's earned that much.

===========

What a(nother) special teams shitshow. What the hell is going on with the kick units? Unacceptable. Unacceptable. Gotta be fixed in a week, and Coach Belichick has more important things to do than spend 20 hours out of the coming week working on punt and kick coverage. This can cost the team at least two ballgames this season.

===========

You're a good man, 85. It could have been pretty fucking awesome. But I imagine you won't make the roster. What comes next? Hopefully you have about $30m in the bank from all those fat contracts to cushion the blow. Remember what went down with Tiki Barber: a big name only goes so far with the media. Those fucking people in the media usually work their asses off, and you need to, too, to have a career there. I wish you good luck, truly, if this is the end. It was great watching you ball back at OSU and in Cincy. Special.

===========

Does Coach Scarnecchia deserve a spot in the Patriots Hall of Fame? Yes, he certainly does. One of the greatest assistant coaches in the history of football should be, imo, honored by the Kraft family as soon as possible for his many years of service. What a vital figure in the history of the Pats.

===========

Safety play is a major issue. Barrett picked up an interference call. The safety position is the number one question mark for this team.

===========

Ras-I Dowling can obviously be a special cornerback in the NFL. UVA has produced a ton of fine football players in the last two decades. He appears to be the next in a long line.

===========

Giants note of interest: Zak DeOssie is now a five year vet. His Dad, former Boston College Eagle and a member of the Doug Flutie teams there, Steve DeOssie, was an ass kicker in the NFL for twelve seasons. Almost halfway there, Zak. Unbelievable but true. Congrats. Keep working hard.

===========

The men who buy in, stay. Those who don't, leave.

===========

To paraphrase Chuckles Barkley from way back: "Don't know much about the Fins. I know they're in trouble."

September 1

I know a man who fought in the Pacific
And grew up watching Memorial Day parades
Where Civil War veterans marched
I can touch time through him
And he, hopefully, through me

The war started 72 years ago today
One hundred million dead
The world changed, threatened, saved
By our country

I know women
Who remember the rubber drives
Food shortages
And gasoline coupons

My grandfather served in a chemistry lab in Indianapolis
And supervised German POWs
Who were safe and saved
By America's gentility

Seventy two years ago today
Germany invaded Poland