Being someone who likes to beat myself up mentally and also someone whose mind wanders to the long ago happenings of college from time to time, this week I found myself thinking about a girl I happened to know for an hour or two when I was a sophomore in college, at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. It was junior year, 1986, and I was returning from school to New Hampshire for Thanksgiving via Cincinnati airport. To get to the airport I scheduled a van to come pick me up at my apartment. When it arrived at my apartment building I got on and sitting to my left was a very beautiful blond female student who simply took my breath away the moment I sat down in my seat. Having been shy all my life, especially around females, I was shocked to find her laughing out loud at everything that came out of my mouth. And I was further shocked at how MUCH was coming out of my mouth. I was actually talking to an attractive girl. My interactions with women to that point in my life had come solely through the use of alcohol, and even then I didn't do so hot. But with this girl, possibly because of the safety of the setting (she couldn't very well walk away from me since we had an hour ride to the airport together), I was doing great. I don't remember what I said or even her name, but I do remember how wonderful it felt that someone so gorgeous felt that I was funny. It was a real high.
We got to the airport and we went our separate ways. I did not ask for her number: that would have taken more guts than I had to offer. The flight home to Logan airport I spent recapping what I had done right, and trying to imprint on my brain everything that we had shared during the van ride.
Returning to campus a week later I soon resumed my duties as student and drunk and came to almost forget about the lovely young woman I had met. That spring I spent a lot of time in record stores in downtown Oxford, feeding my passion for 80s pop music. And one bright afternoon I found myself walking briskly down one of the town's side streets, thinking of the next record I would buy. Lost in thought I was surprised to hear a too friendly for a stranger shout of "Hi!" coming from a woman approaching me. I didn't recognize whomever was talking and I practically hissed a curt "Hi." back at her. Who was this stranger who dared talk to me? My natural state had always been one of distrust of others, and this time it cost me. The woman was the same one from the van ride, but by the time I realized it I had already walked several steps past her. Too shy to turn around and apologize I kept on walking and began cursing myself for being such a shithead. SHE had wanted to talk to ME. And I blew it.
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It may seem strange to remember such a small thing from 24 years ago, but since I live a fairly solitary life I often find myself thinking back to better times. The past week, I have been in an outpatient program for people suffering from mental illness and one thing I'm being taught is to not beat myself up as much as I am inclined to. When I remembered the incident with this woman, I found myself feeling proud that I had made a lovely girl laugh at my jokes instead hating myself for not stopping and talking to her months later. That switch, hopefully, may signal a change in my thinking. Less self hatred and more self love.
