Hey!

Here's a link!

St. Pattys' Day is comin'

On bein' Irish. We're full blooded at 50%

--- Being Irish means knowing what your drunk is. Ours is beer. What's yours? Power? Cash? Coke? For shame, since you seek the highs we know every day. Those three are attempts to get where we already are. See, bein' Irish means that happiness and joy is a way of life. And the lows of being human just get in the way, lessened and assuaged by booze and tears. That's why we drink and cry and get pissed: to ease the pain, not increase the joy (we've got that down). Some folks drug because they seek the highs we know every day. For shame. We'll raise a pint to ya all: tonight, tomorrow, and next Saturday.

It's great bein' Irish, to be sure to be sure.

And what do the Irish do on St. Patty's Day? We say "thank you", we say "all is forgiven." And we ask for forgiveness from others in our life for the wrongs we've committed in the last year. Sometimes all three to the same folks. We Irish are great at remembering and pretty crappy at forgetting, though we try.

St. Patrick's Day is supposed to be a day for remembering. How about it? Can we all try...?


"Thank you."

...

"All is forgiven."

...

"Please forgive me."

Ideas to be stolen:

1) just ask us, we get fucked every day. and ladies, we're single!

Wow.

Next?

B-Spear

...a no show here at the 'Pent today.

Autographs -- check

Photo Ops -- check

Limo -- check

Bodyguard (Hot!) -- check

Adoring "Fans"/losers -- check

Men in her "Life" -- zilch. tick tick tick.

....this in one very bright little girl, folks. Way to sell more cd's, chick. Masturbatory theatre at its highest. Say "hi" to The Paris Hilton and Fed-Ex for us when you get back home, babe.

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Remember students: it can always get a little worse.

Tanks, Girl

Awkward title? Hey, we have no editorial control over titles. We write, "they" score 'em, so to speak.

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Sofia Coppola's "Marie Antoinette"?

As good a movie as was released last year, and there were a bunch of very, very good ones. This one, like all potentially great ones, needs time to season. But we'll guess it is "great."

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This is the ultimate Chick Film:

Coppola shows how a woman's role in the world has always been defined by her ability to produce children; male children.

And she includes lots of pretty dresses in the film, too. Nice.

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When a director chooses to open a movie with bouts of silence, it's always a sign of brilliance or ineptitude. DJ Sofia has the brilliance part down.

On MA, thankfully, she dives right into the material and trusts her audience. Maybe not the way to make a ton of money but certainly part of making great film.

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As the King and Queen's first kiss via a roll of the dice shows us, monarchies are not born or created great or incompetent or good or evil, but are allowed to become such by their subjects. Life is chance meeting will.

Coppola took much flak from reviewers for focusing on trivialities such as punk dance balls and a final, matronly bow to a lynch mob. The professional film critics missed a heckuva film, presumedly. Do they write their reviews pre-screening? Or wait for the check to clear?

Jason Schwartzman's King Louis XVI is a petrified boy who slowly (very slowly) warms to his office and wife, and he does wonderful work with little dialogue on which to chew or not. His sacrifice is the key to Sofia's film working so well: the man of the house is Marie Antoinette.

And Kirstin Dunst's MA is wonderful in her elasticity: aging before the viewer's eyes and showing the strain of her cast in life, as well as presenting the Queen of France's grace, beauty, and, above all, joyfulness. Was the real Antoinette like this? She's been dead for centuries: Does anyone think that Cleopatra was half as hot as Liz Taylor? This is art, not reality.

As in all of Coppola's films, the casting is expertly handled:
Asia Argento as Rip Torn's Louis XV mistress brings raw lust and honesty to Versailles, and is not welcome.
Steve Coogan portrays the flirtatiously curt Ambassador Mercy, someone who allows his Queen a few moments of personal attention and hope of sexuality.
Shirley Henderson and Molly Shannon catify their lines and faces nicely.
And the great Judy Davis misses not one note in her performance. Is this woman not one of the great actors?

Sofia Coppola has moved herself into the realm of great directors in only a few films. The most important lesson? Choice your material wisely and pay it respect. A great movie can be made out of a slap shot, an inept hood with a funny hat, a couple of dumb guys, a bank heist where there is no bank heist, and a boxer who loses the fight. To name just a few within reach.

Go get 'em, DJ.

There is no "Iraq"...

...we made the whole thing up in Paris, 1919.

Three tribes that hate each other and always will, by choice.

There is no "Iraq."

Religion gone insane.

There is no "Iraq."

A country never.

There is no "Iraq."

Us Americans, the British and the French: We made it all up.

There is no "Iraq."

Fantasy kills.

There is no "Iraq."

Why are they there dying and having to kill?

There is no "Iraq."

Dunkirk II, if I could...

(ask somebody. it saved the planet.)

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by Lyle Lovett: (we ask forgiveness of the man for this post, but fuck; this is important)

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If I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
And if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat
And we could all together
Go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony on my boat

If I were Roy Rogers
I'd sure enough be single
I couldn't bring myself to marrying old Dale
It'd just be me and trigger
We'd go riding through them movies
Then we'd buy a boat and on the sea we'd sail

And if I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
And if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat
And we could all together
Go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony on my boat

The mystery masked man was smart
He got himself a Tonto
'Cause Tonto did the dirty work for free
But Tonto he was smarter
And one day said kemo sabe
Kiss my ass I bought a boat
I'm going out to sea

And if I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
And if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat
And we could all together
Go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony on my boat

And if I were like lightning
I wouldn't need no sneakers
I'd come and go wherever I would please
And I'd scare 'em by the shade tree
And I'd scare 'em by the light pole
But I would not scare my pony on my boat out on the sea

And if I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
And if I had a pony
I'd ride him on my boat
And we could all together
Go out on the ocean
Me upon my pony on my boat

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Wasted lives saved? We'd get out of the mutherfucking boat for that.

memo to...

...the nation's selected officials

and...

you, the mostly non-veterans:

we, dred scott, iz still here, mutherfuckers

------

lv u, bs. its ok.

Rearguard Whores - Edition # ...well, who's counting at this point?

Esquire Magazine (man At His Best) has let "writer"/pothead Chuck Klosterman steal directly from the 'Pent.

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Believe it or not, thieves live among us. Well...you.

The Klaus took a post we made a while back and fucked it up completely, taking out the humor and...um...the sense. He then posted...sorry...had a column downloaded...yeah...scratch that: UpChuck handed his "editor" at Esquire (...For men!) a piece of shit pile of thievery called "Amnesia Is the New Bliss." What a fucking tool this guy is. If he had the balls to come to the 'Pent, we'd give him a big wet kiss...on the lips cuz we're gay.

But then we'd fuck him up good.

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The "article" is from the April (2007) issue, though as of March 7 (2007) it ain't online since Esquire wants you to buy the fucking thing at the newsstand.

But trust us, it's there.

Our post? right here, whores.

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Since we're pretty tired of all this bullshit that you folks try to pull every second of every day of your lives, we won't put in the details (for those who like to read). But trust us, that fucker Klosterman never took a REAL drug in his life. If he had, he'd know to stay clear of MD's and prescriptions and bullcrap like that. Write what you know, shithead: pot, LSD, green tea, stuff like that.

Save the serious journalism and criticism for us. We can handle it.

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PS: we've had a lot of money stolen from us. we've been poisoned. we've been raped. we've been attacked by dozens of SUVs. we've had this blog hijacked. we've had our emails deleted. we've had our paypay account destroyed...by paypal. we've had our goddamn Entertainment Weekly, with Miss J-Hud on the motherfucking cover for fuck sake, detained (and HOPEFULLY not soiled) by the post office. we've been ridiculed on several (maybe dozens?) of television shows. we've had idea after idea stolen by fake artists.

sorry...forgot the week in jail as prescribed by our shrink. so many fuckings, so little blogtime.

we've gotten absolutely nothing in return. not one call received. not one penny received. not one word about the 'Pent in the media.

and what did you to help?

you did absolutely nothing. but laugh.

On this episode of "Where are they now?", General Antonio López de Santa Anna Pérez de Lebrón of the Republic de Mexico...

171 year ago today, an insignificant outpost in what was then basically the middle of nowhere was captured by thousands of Mexican troops, at the cost of several weeks and hundreds of Mexican dead that should have been put to much better use by those in charge.

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Don't remember 171 years ago? Don't remember ten years ago? Well, we here in "404 The Apartment" are not John Wayne fans, but his "The Alamo" did kick ass. Quite the film, and a lot of it is true to what really happened. Long, but worth it. Lots of terrific moments and in its entirety is one of the great war films. Honest.

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General Santa Ana wanted to make a statement to the rebels in Mexican territory that he would crush any resistance, no matter the cost.

And crush it he did. Momentarily, at least.

At the cost of 1,500 soldiers.

The prize? An old mission and 200 rebel corpses.

Was it worth it?

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Thanks to the Portland Press Herald's Daily Almanac: Vital news doesn't always happen yesterday or today. Sometimes it happens a century and a half ago.

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Oh yeah, the Dred Scott decision was released by the United States Supreme Court 150 years ago. What was that all about? Crap, what are we? An encyclopedia? Look it up...

Bloggers Guide to the Universe Dictionary: Part 1

"on the 'raq" -- verb. a) term used in middle ages to break men and women down. failed miserably. see also "Inquisition."

"role model" -- noun. a) good men doing good. see: Coach Ted Nolan and winger Chris Simon of the New York Islanders. also check out "Real Sports with Bryant Gumbal" on HBO this month (includes Jon Frankel and Frank Deford: "reporters", Mary Carillo: "missed").

"LeBron and the Cavs playing Yao, T-Mac, and the Rockets" -- phrase. a) ballplayers playin' ball. also; calm down, Coach Van Gundy: 27 minutes is twice what the Big Man is ready for in his first game back. you'll need both guys for that ring. and...just why in the hell was this game not broadcast nationally?

"Rules of Engagement" -- noun. a) the definition of a piece of shit film. shoot at US troops and we hope they fucking shoot back. see: firefight in afghanistan/"everybody stay alive and get out of Dodge."

The Remains..Oh what a day

Sports Illustrated Dot Com

The King says Wes Welker is worth a 2nd and a 7th to the Patriots. We don't think that he has all the facts, man. Welker is a nice third or fourth receiver, and not worth nearly that much. But we have no confidential sources on that.


Boston Globe Sports Dot Com

Little Man Hate fills out another column. Nice job. Did you fax this in from Florida, Ryan? Been done, sorta. Move over: There's hungry folks around.


Boston Herald Dot Com

Randy fucking Moss? On the Pats? Who's been drinking late at night?


Portland Press Herald breaking a Big Story

Destroy the Koi! We hate fish. We hate lobster. We hate cows. But they sure taste good what cooked correctly.

--------------------------------------------

Now, back to the music...

Fast food, Nation.

Don't you know talking about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
Don't you know talking about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
------------------------------------
It's supposed to be a treat
Not a way of life.
------------------------------------
While they're standing in the welfare lines
Crying at the doorsteps of those armies of salvation
Wasting time in unemployment lines
Sitting 'round waiting for a promotion
------------------------------------
Simplity is righteous
Ease-ability overrated, though.
Seven bucks per is a high cost
To pay.
------------------------------------
Don't you know you're talking about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
Poor people are gonna rise up
And get their share
Poor people are gonna rise up
And take what's theirs
------------------------------------
Do you know you/we/they need no training to work in those places
Because it's got such ease-ability.
That being Their goal.
------------------------------------
Don't you know you better run, run, run, run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run, run, run
Oh I said you better run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run,
Run, run, run, run
------------------------------------
Okay, Okay, Okay, Okay, this is the best part, Okay?

They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru, Okay?
They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru!
They know you're gonna be miles away
Before you find out you got fucked!
They know you're not gonna turn around and go back
They don't care.
So who gets fucked?
Ol' Leo Getz! Okay, sure!
I don't give a fuck!
I'm not eating this tuna, Okay?
------------------------------------
Finally the tables are starting to turn
Talking 'bout a revolution
Finally the tables are starting to turn
Talking 'bout a revolution oh no
Talking 'bout a revolution oh no
------------------------------------
Why can't Jack and Jill read so good?
------------------------------------

Thanks to "Fast Food Nation", Leo Getz as played by Joe Pesci in "Lethal Weapon II",CK, and Tracy Chapman.

Check's in the mail?

Ok...

So the first two "Low Overhead Club" Fundraising Drives met with limited success.

Actually, the success was extremely limited, as none of you fuckers sent a dime, because other than the occasional "Entertainment Weekly" we have gotten squat here at the 'Pent in the way of checks from our readers.

Not a one.

Not a single one.

You guys really suck, man.

=============================================

Seeing as how the cable bill is due, again (when did this once every month stuff happen? musta been when the 'Pent was locked up in the "hospital"), we are asking every one of you to send a check if you can so we can stay bloggin'.

Well, maybe not ALL of you. Just the ones who'd like to see this blog continue, with posts like "The Law Firm of...", "Bill Simmons is hosting Saturday Night Live...", and "Blog State", to name just the most recent three.

---------------------------------------------

In that effort we have drafted our local Congressman. Or rather, his staff, since Congressman Allen (D) hopefully doesn't open and sort his own mail (though this is a tiny little state).

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Please address checks made out to P-LOC c/o Joe Sweeney and send them to either:

Congressman Tom Allen
1127 Longworth House Office Building
Washington, DC 20505

phone to tell him/them it's coming, if you like at 1 202 225 6116.

or...

Congressman Tom Allen
57 Exchange Street
Suite 302
Portland, ME 04101

phone them at 1 207 774 5019 to tell them it's coming, if it pleases you.

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Remember: no cash or money orders, since checks are promises, not real money.

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Thanks for nothing. So far.

The Law Firm of Fazekas, Collison, Oden, Durant, and Strawberry

First Team 2006-07 'Pent All Americans.

For what that's worth.

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Darren Collison -- 1 -- The best point guard in the nation by a mile. Does everything right. Looks like a leader. We still say he's John Stockton with jets. UCLA has a great chance to win it.

Acie Law -- 2 -- Has hit a bunch of big shots for A&M, one of the year's suprise teams. Don't knock his jumper: it goes in. Undersized for the NBA, but could still have a career in The League.

Kevin Durant -- 3 -- The 'Pent staff saw him early and he looked like just a jump shooter. My goodness has he proven us wrong. Plays like Lamar Odom did in high school, free and easy. An incredible player. Nobody knows how good he will turn out to be as there are questions about how his body and game will translate to the next level: can't wait to find out after he decides to move on.

Nick Fazekas -- 4 -- The Mini-Dirk? Diggler, Jr.? Reno-911? Has put together one of the most impressive four year careers statistically in college history. Now, go win some (more) games in the tournament. Reno State can win four, maybe more.

Greg Oden -- 5 -- Coming out of nowhere, this young man has had a pretty OK year. Um...yeah. He's Bill Russell plus 30 pounds: we can't come up with a bigger compliment than that.

D.J. Strawberry -- 6th Man -- We just love his game. Can't shoot for shit, can't dribble too well, not that tall at 6 3. Just a baller. Just a baller. We'd take him on our squad in any sport. It's been a pleasure watching you play the game, D.J.

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Why college ball is great:

Senior Day/Night ----> Conference Tournaments ----> CBS announces the Field of 65 ----> First Rounder at a great arena: UD in Dayton ----> The Best Weekend in Sports ----> Sweet 16 ----> Elite 8 ----> Final Four, to be held down in the Georgia Dome.

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Memo to Women's NCAA Rules Committee

Can you folks get it together and write up something that will eliminate the ridiculous no Ten Second Count rule? It really messes up the last two minutes of a game. You want more respect? Then get the rules straight. It's just a silly, antiquated rule. Change it.

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Note to Ashley C. of Portand's McCauley High: Think Matt Bonner. Similar games and hopefully similar careers. Best of luck at Stanford; it should be a lot of fun.

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Memo to Men's NCAA Rules Committee

Thought you were in the clear? Nope.

The NBA allows teams to inbound at halfcourt following a score and timeout. Why can't y'all do the same? Just a simple type-written rule change will do the trick, Dr. Yes, it's just that easy to improve the game by about 2%. Which would make it pretty close to perfect.

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This whole "handing out of t-shirts at the gate" is getting frightening. Black outs? White outs? Wow.

We can never, ever remember forgetting to wear a shirt to a game. Never.

So if someone tried to force us to wear some M or XL 50/50 shirt made in a far away land, well that would be just too much. Think Sean Penn vs the Pooparazzi, folks. Don't ever tell us here in Apartment404 what to wear. We dress quite nicely already.

Sometimes even in longsleeves and jeans.

...

Just what is so attractive about ten thousand people wearing the same color unif... sorry, clothes? Kind of creepy if you ask us. Guess we read too many history books.

And a sea of white or black? Boring. Watch a Red Sox game in person or on tv and there are 34,000 different ways to show your support: red shirts, white shirts, blue shirts, black shirts, pink shirts, every type of baseball cap imaginable, stinking drunk guys with huge bellies waving like maniacs at the tv cameras...oops, sorry: that was us last year.

Do you really want to live in a campus where everybody dresses the same? Looks the same? Wears the same size shoe?

That would suck.

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Keep your collective heads down, folks. It's almost springtime.

Only ten shopping days left....

...Until the NCAA's begin: Opening Round game to be played at UD Arena in Dayton on 3/13.

Probably featuring "Knight's" Riders versus some directional school.

Go directional school!

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Brackets? Charts and Graphs? Statistics? Let's leave that to the pros.

We here in Apartment404 are going to do away with our usual visual flourishes and provide you with the "21 Club", no gimmicks.

The following 21 teams are guaranteed to make the field of 65. That's GUARANTEED!

What happens once the games begin? Shit, nobody has a damn clue.

Come on now: Do you really think anyone knows who is going to win the 8/9 games? No one does, they just guess.

You should too, and take less than 6 seconds to make your picks. The gut may make a mistake, but it's rarely wrong. You'll feel better NOT knowing the school flower or founding fathers nickname of whomever you're "analyzing."

Which reminds us...

If you enter more than 2 NCAA pools, buy (don't rent) that cream Miata. Cuz you iz gay, either way.

"Fantasy sports" takes all the fantasy/fun/drama out of sports. We watch because we care, not because we have to.

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The 21 Club

(1) UCLA and Wisconsin.
-- Brian Butch or no, Wisconsin is a #1. And are you going to seriously question the Bruins? Thought not.

(2) North Carolina, Kansas, Ohio State, Washington State and Florida.
-- All teams capable of winning six. Or winning one. Wouldn't surprise us either way.

(3) Texas A&M, Georgetown, Virginia Tech, Memphis, Nevada, Pittsburgh, and Louisville.
-- Quality teams that have a chance to go down to Georgia, though all have one or two important question marks that will likely keep that from happening.

(4) Oregon, Virginia, Southern Illinois (though we have not seen them, they have some quality wins), and Butler.
-- Oregon has terrific talent, but is up and down, especially lately. Virginia is currently leading the ACC, which says more about the quality at the top of that league than the Wahoos ability to win more than two games in the tournament.

(5) UNLV, Duke, and Boston College.
-- UNLV has good numbers and has played so solid all year. Duke is still Duke, though inconsistent. And BC is experienced, though not deep.