Bill Simmons is hosting Saturday Night Live? We like it!

Can't ask for a more appropriate superstar host, Lorne.

Way to reel in the big fish!

Cutting edge. Two years ago.
He's a little bit dorky and quite a bit nutty.
And a wicked hack of a writer.

That's B.S.

==============================================

Maybe Simmons can bring back the 1980-81 "Glory Days." Hope so.

==============================================

Opening Sketch:

Bill and "Stoner"(Jason S.) broadcast the Cal Tech v. Oregon School of Pharmacy Division III basketball game, to be shown on Bill's own creation, ESPN.8. Think "Broadcast News"; you know what we're talking about.

Stoner and Bill know none of the player's names, have no idea what the score is, and make several dozen jokes about the black kids having weird looking hair and police records.

After game, Simmons and Stoner congratulate each other on doing a pretty damn good job. BS: "I'm gonna blog this, dude. 15,000 words, minimum!"

==============================================

Opening Monologue:

Cut due to dehydration of host.

Instead, cast does a musical number (are we the only ones who think that Steve Martin and Co.'s "This time, I'll try!" was one of the great SNL moments?).

From "Dreamgirls", And I am telling you I'm not going". With Keenan in the Jennifer Hudson role. Or maybe J-Hud herself, since IMDB says she might be free (and yes: she kicks serious ass). Why is she "not going?" (The third sketch ties in nicely.) Maybe the "American Idol" judges could sit in front of her. (They suck, by the way.) She has an Oscar. The judges have: a boyfriend (the British guy), a jar of Elmer's glue (the ex-Faker girl), and no life or career, dawg (the black guy wearing non-prescription glasses) once AI is cancelled next year.

Did we mention that J-Hud has an Oscar, mutherfuckers?

==============================================

Fake Ad:

Fred as Lance Armstrong and Bill as self, though might be wearing a Martin Short as "Clifford" type outfit. Not sure.

B.S. asks for the cylist's sweaty t-shirt after Lance finishes up his workout in the ESPN electric room. Tells the Lancer that "I'm a BIG bicycling fan!"

Lance throws his t over his shoulder to Bill as he walks away (soft, Fox type lighting for this). a la Mean Joe Greene.

B.S. has a look on his face of pure lust, his eyes moving down to watch those muscular buttocks move away. "Thanks, Lancer!" Takes major wiff of the shirt, then breaks into knowing grin.

==============================================

Musical Guest:

Some completely lame band no one ever heard of that Simmons found on iTunes/grungy/lamo/obscure_poseurs.com.

The band sucks, and no one can hear a word of the lyrics. They also need a collective bath/shower, and vomit onstage at the end of the first song.

==============================================

Second Sketch:

ESPN!'s Sportscenter!, with Scott Van Pelt and Bill Simmons anchoring.

Van Pelt, wearing boxers down low while doing his readthrough and doing a mean Phil Jackson impersonation with his granny glasses and soul patch (just wait), calls Gary Smith of SI a "wannabe anchorman here at the world-wide leader." Adds, "I'm taller than him!"

Simmons mentions how fetching that receptionist chick is on NBC's "The Office" during his run through of the day's scores. Drools a little bit. Takes off wedding band during bit. Drools some more. Out of nowhere, tells viewers that "I'd made a fantastic NBA G.M. No problem!"

==============================================

Third Sketch:

Bill Simmons as guest judge on the WB's "National Idol", with Bill Hader as Rush Limbaugh (Rush'll do anything to be exposed...we mean "get exposure"...) and Will Forte as Lorne.

Maya R. and Andy S. do a scene from "Godfather II." Nail it.

Simmons (as self), Rush and Lorne say that the scene is too short, lacks "energy", add "I didn't believe a word of it", and give them a "We'll Call You." (Meaning they hate it but don't have the balls to say it out loud.)

Amy P. and Fred A. are next, doing a scene from "Annie Hall." Nail it.

Simmons asks what movie the scene is from. Complains about "too many syllables." Rush questions why the Jews get all the good roles. And Lorne says "I like it, but it's too New Yorky." This scene also gets a "We'll Call You" from the trio.

After the actors leave, Bill, Rush and Lorne note that there just aren't that many quality shows hiring pompous white windbags anymore. Oh for the "Good Old Days" in the 50s/60s/70s/80/s/90s.

============================================

Fourth Sketch:

"Segways of Glory."

Simmons and Fred A. become the first all "male" Segway Line-Dancing pair in the history of competitive Segway Line-Dancing.

Simmons is very, very concerned with "Who leads?" Asks about nose plugs, how much jelatin to put in his hair, and where the "athletic supporter" goes ("...inside or out?").

Their music? "High on a Mountain Top" by Lorettee Lynn, or "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" by Mr. Loaf.

============================================

Fifth Sketch:

"Is He Black Enough?", a WB talk show hosted by Keenan.

First up: Barack. Name: check. Black wife: check. Says he plays basketball: check. Grew up white. no check. Went to Harvard: no check. Senator: no check. Speaks like Eddie Murphy's "banana in the tailpipe" line: no check. Overall: pretty black, but not black enough.

Next...

Charles Barkley: Black skin: check. Played pro sports: check. Wants to be Governor: no check. Claims to be a Republican: check(?). Overweight in middle age: check. Gambles a lot and gets in bar fights: check. Overall, Barkley is pretty fucking black.

And then...

Tiger Woods: Plays sports for a living: check. That sport being golf: no check. Rich and gives nothing back to society: no check or check, depending on Keenan's mood at this point. Went to college for two years, then dropped out: check. That college was Stanford: no check. Married a white chick: check. Black. Sigh.

Plus...

Mark Cuban: Left high school early: check. Went to a crappy school like Pitt: check. Taught disco dancing: check. Worked in computer sales for a while and hated it: check. Made a billion from some bullshit internet company: no check. Bought a damn sports franchise with his billion: check. Got robbed of an NBA title by three white refs: check. Makes a fool of hisself constantly at the arena: check. Thinks that giving the players nice towels will make them play harder: check. Mark Cuban may look white, but damn if he isn't seriously black. Alright!

And last...

Bill Simmons? Attended the College of The Holy Cross though not an athlete: no check. Sportswriter: no check. Red Sox fan: no check. Celtics fan: no check. Likes (or pretends to like) obscure, crappy bands that no one else has heard of: no check. B.S. may be the whitest guy in the country.

============================================

Sixth Sketch:

Bill is the Queen Bee. The rest of the cast are Workers.

After a minute or so of lame Bee jokes (is that a stinger or are you just happy to see me?), cast breaks and starts bitching that Lorne is sucking up to Disney by having Simmons play the lead role in the sketch.

Cast: "We're NBC! Remember Ted Danson? Remember "Wings?" We're G.E., dammit! And we're not gonna take it any more. Third or fourth place isn't so bad when you consider that there's a hundred and fifty seven channels with nothing on. Forget Disney. We're N. B. C. Remember, 'Silverman proud?' 'Bay City Blues?' TED DANSON?"

============================================

Seventh Sketch:

Bill as Raymond on "ELR." Bill H. as Peter Lorre charactor. Kristin as his wife, what's her name. And Maya as Patricia Heaton, though hot and sane. Kids? We never see them, either.

Plot of sketch/show: Bill/Raymond writes a book about how "I Invented the Internet." He never laughs, never changes expression, and pronounces every word in a slurring, annoying fashion with extreme nasal inflection.

Maya gives him the usual shit, then wonders why she married him. "I could have married a much bigger shoe size."

============================================

Eighth Sketch:

"The Dress Sketch that someone forgot to cut from the live show."

Title: Why We Hate ________ .

Andy = I hate rap. It's short for crapola.

Maya = I hate playing prositutes just because I'm black and sexy.

Kristin and Bill H. = Why do we always have to do impressions all the time? Give us something meaty, writers/assholes!

Keenan = Why am I always stereotyped as the dumb black guy, seeing as I'm the only Ivy League grad on this fucking show. I went to Brown, man.

Amy = If I never have to do one of those physically grueling sketches with Horatio or anyone else where I play the retarded kid, I'll be very happy.

Seth = Everybody knows I'm from Boston. Can we just drop it, please?

Darrell = 12 years of this? Where's my "Darrell's World" script, Lorne? Hmmmm?

Will F. = Ok, can we just admit that I can't sing? Please stop making me sing.

Jason = Does every character I play have to be so damn sarcastic? I can play it soft, too, dammit. I'm NOT an asshole!

Fred = I'd rather play Beyonce than Prince, any day.

============================================

During the "Thanks for watching"! close, the cast slowly but surely squeezes B.S. off the stage and into the front row of the audience.

All cheer!

============================================

Tonight's show sponsored by EA Sports. We're Fans!

Blog State

Writings we've read lately that are good.

(This post for those who like to read)

------------------------------------

Inspired by the forced retirement of Sports Illustrated "Hair and Space" Man, Mr. Steve Rushin. Or as we lovingly refer to him: Size 12.

Here's to you, Size 12. From a fan. Size 14/15.

"Forced"? Think "Logan's Run." Only balder.

Now go do that thing you do...

------------------------------------

Max Barry's "Company"

Stephen Brunt's "Searching for Bobby Orr"

Howie Carr's "The Brothers Bulger"

Kitty Dukakis and Larry Tye's "Shocked"

Bob Dylan's "Chronicles Volume One"

Dave Egger's "What is the What"

Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams's "Game of Shadows"

GQ's "This is Our War"

Seymour Hersh's "Chain of Command"

Johnette Howard's "The Rivals"

Ariel Levy's "Female Chauvinist Pigs"

Micheal Lewis' "The Blind Side"

David Margolick's "Beyond Glory"

George Packer's "The Assassin's Gate"

Greg Palast's "Armed Madhouse"

Michael Patrick MacDonald's "Easter Rising", though "All Souls" must be read first.

Frank Rich's "The Greatest Story Ever Sold"

Philip Roth's "The Plot Against America" and "Everyman"

Jeannette Wells' "The Glass Castle"

Thomas J. Whalen's "Dynasty's End"

Naked and everything.

I’ll get fooled again...

“What’s in it for me?”
What’s in it for me?

Love is giving up.
Not getting.

Or didn’t your girlfriend show you that?

Millions. We’re talkin’ millions.
You may not have put me in this cell
But you helped keep me here.

Just another Negro
To look past.

Just another audience member
To smile at.

Funny you are.
So sad.

We got fooled
Again and again.
You are good.

Pain where I live.
In the joints and bones.
Keep it there another day longer.

Thanks for all.

You deseve so much more
Than I am capable of.

===============================

“The Departed”

The best Scorcese ever.
Raw truth
Uncoiled quickly.

Leo’s movie,
Damon’s truth.
Vera kills us;
So lifelike and unforgettable and real.

Faster and faster
Second time as good.
Can you say that about anything?

It’s a strange Boston thing
To hate and hate and hate
The next door neighbor
While looking at them with greedy eyes and an
Envious heart.

========================================

The Oscar’s Broadcast

Why did they bother
With the bullshit?

My room is small
My mind is often blank.
They make money
Off me any way they can.

Point that finger.
Strut that walk.
We know you can’t be trusted.
It’s just that we like to pretend
We aren’t alone after all.

Pat yourselves on the back.
Quite the show.

=======================================

Marines don’t have to tell

“USMC” on that plate
We blow past in hate.
Fuck you show-off
Your gun shoots blanks.

No real man
Walks around with a dick in his mouth.
Chase me? For a second...
Then think better
And drive off down the highway.

A true Marine wants to forget
Not remember,
Asshole.
Or so we would think.

Fuck you up the ass with that crap.
Or are we too late?

======================================

Have you ever?

I would never
In a thousand years...

Fuck you.
Hurt someone true.
Turn my back on someone who looks me in the eye.
Rape you (look in the mags).

Just to show that we're an equal opportunist blog...

Fox News Channel...

Just why exactly are they all so creepy looking?

---------------------------------------------

Does Mr. Sean Hannity have a "proceeding hairline?" Hey...we're just askin'.

Does that John Holmes dude have a wind machine blowing in his face 24/7? Hey...sure looks like it.

Does Ann Coulter look like a preying mantis? Hey...to us, she do.

Is Bill O'Reilly as scared as his eyeballs look? Hey...you betcha!

Does any cable outfit spend less on production than The Channel? No way in heck!
--- Notice the soft, soft lighting. Creepy.

Do you or anyone you know take any of this stuff seriously? Really? Wow...are they dumb.

Would Senator McCain do just about anything to become POTUS? Hey...we're just asking.

Is Comedy Central going to morph with The Channel...and become The Channel Central? Hey...we're just pondering? Right, John? Er...Jon. Um...JohnBoy. Okay, the second one.

Are there really 300,000,000 (potential) Bloggers out here looking at Sean Hannity and asking..."How does this 'man' have so much money?" Nope. But there are a lot of 'em. Just ask 'em.

--------------------------------------------

Can anyone sleep well at night?

Yes?

Don't admit it...

these are the days...

we remember it all...

Quick: Name 5 facts about Barack Obama...

Can you do that?

---------------------------------------------

Memo to members of the Democratic Party:

Why is it so easy to promise to vote for a black man you know next to nothing about before you'll vote for a woman you know almost everything about?

---------------------------------------------

One of these candidates has a complicated marriage of passion and warmth mixed with a ton of other stuff, from the perspective of Apartment404.

The other candidate has a marraige that with all the magic of a pair of coworkers working on an assembly line.

Which is which?

---------------------------------------------

Bending over backwards to prove how open-minded you all are just gives you a smelly view.

Come on now people. Senator Clinton is not perfect, but if there's a better candidate to be the next President of the United States, we have yet to see her/him.

Open your eyes and take a good look at both. One is a former state legislator elected to the Senate. The other is a former First Lady elected to the Senate. Both have impressive academic credentials. Both can be a bit awkward at times in dealing with the highly public pressures of their current office.

But darn if we here in da 'Pent aren't quite sure that Hillary is the better bet. She's smart. Make that VERY smart. Tough. Determined.

...And say what you will about the Clinton's; it is just impossible to argue with eight years of (mostly) peace and (mostly) prosperity.

---------------------------------------------

Do you remember any of that?

Or is this country so out of touch that people actually believe that:

(1) Former Vice President Al Gore won an Oscar.
---- He didn't. The FILM did. He held the statue for the cameras.

(2) This is the way things are supposed to be.
---- They aren't and they won't be for much longer.

(3) That martyrs are always heroes.
---- They are not. The troops who died this week in Iraq and Afghanistan are not all heroes. But they sure as fuck are martyrs. Bring 'em home.

And take your bumper stickers and shove 'em.

"Support The Troops?" Care Packages?

Fuck that shit.

Bring 'em home now.

Today.

.....

testing...

1...2...3...

OK then...

Memo to Bill Simmons:

You're being played.

---------------------------------------------

It's not that your writing is particularly bad right now; it's that it's so weird and creepy. The suits are getting a kick out of all the gawkers (us included, certainly) who are watching you fall apart. You still may get more people logging on to your columns than any other ESPN.com writer, but it's not because your stuff is good.

It's because it is disturbing.

Do you not proof-read?

Do you not have an editor you trust?

The stuff you're putting out is getting worse and worse. And people who can't see that are not your friends. They are bloodsuckers, Bill.

In your last column, you gave out 16 F's to NBA general managers. Do you know anyone who thinks this is clever/funny/witty/good writing? It isn't.

You take swipes at Kevin McHale, Jerry West, Tom Heinsohn, Don Nelson's team, your Clippers, Earl Boykins, John Paxson, Billy Knight, and a whole bunch of other people.

Your writing is pretty disturbing right now.

And anyone who isn't willing to say/write that about your stuff is not someone you should trust.

Tonight's list... (Part II in an ongoing series)

Spring ---> Training.

New blood @ Stanford.

"Gross Point." The DVD.

Great lines like "Hello...?" Who comes up with this shit?

Thousandaires who are OK being thousandaires forever. (Not us)

Seinfeld... Jerry Seinfeld.

Truth. Justice. -- Yeah, that's about it: truth and justice.

Books.

Gangstas everywhere.

C M, who we guess is as real as real gets in, though we're 2,500 miles away.

Mother's bodies.

The color purple/"The Color Purple"

Britney. You're a mom/woman/adult now, and you've got some work ahead of you. Write/sing what you know and don't regret the mistakes (in life and music). PS: Cool hair, intentional or not.

Jennifer Hudson's amazing voice. She rocked tonight. Think "Aretha", darlin'.

Melissa Etheridge for singing heart and soul.

Ellen D. She did a great job. Truly a great job.

Martin Scorcese for providing The 'Pent with two or three hundred wonderful hours of entertainment. It helps: we've had to fill about 35,000 so far.

Dream #XXX,XXX,XXX.

And lastly, producer King.
--- For a speech that reminded us all who's running things. Perfect!

Why weightlifters can become governor.

April 24, 2007: Matsuzaka throws 40 plus pitches in first week of spring training.

--------------------------------------------

Hey, Red Sox; glad that camp is open and that the hype is going full force.

We're so happy that spring is just around the corner.

But...mmmm....well...maybe you guys might want to rethink having a 26 year old who's pitched heavy innings his entire life and who is going to be on the team for four years throwing "balls out" the very first week in the damn country.

We here up in da 'Pent aren't quite sure if the media are trying to remind Sox management of all the burned out young pitchers in the history of baseball, but they sure have been pounding away at how wonderful this young man's arm is. Are they clever, or just being led around?

Give us a break, please, Sox.

Ease up on him.

Bodybuilders know that muscles need rest after a tough workout. And that you don't go heavy early.

This is why "Governor Schwarzenegger" has a chance to be the next POTUS.

And "Senator Jim Bunning" doesn't.

No. We won't let this go. (Cont.)

Analysis of the Boston Celtics "official" website:

WM, Executive Assistant -- Apparently ranks above Ainge and Rivers on the corporate totem pole.

Advance Scouts = 1.

College Scouting Staff = Papile.
Yeah, Papile. Thas' it.

Total number of names under "Basketball" = 20.

Total number of names under "Sales" = 36.

Wins this season = 13.

Wins per Sales staff = just about 1/3 of a win per person.

-----------------------------------

And the T-shirts?....

Thankfully, that's over with...

2/17/07 2:00am...

...

There’s always a reason
To do something
Or to do nothing.

They look at me
Right through me.
Agendas
Ballerinas
I have none of it.

In me
There is only Hurt.

Which they exploit
Funny funny.

...

The one with the whiny voice and the fat stomach
Teaches how to stretch
And how to hide.

...

Not sure why there is
No hair on my legs.

Yesterday, woke up
With a swollen nose.
This a.m. had a
Fat lip.
Why?

Paranoid, you better be.

“Mark-E” strikes me as funny
Does it get the joke?
A Benz, I think.

...

Giving me the finger
From a Toy-ota
With that bumper sticker,
“Support the Troops”
How so
Lady in a fake fur?

Laugh? Cry.

...

U-turn. Big yellow car.
Drive. Wonder why.

“RU-Broke”
or some such.

Pissed? Yeah.
Driving fast and fun.
Laughing
Pass him.
Big Banana Car.
“Range Rover.” Big joke
Post office safely.
Pull over, roll down window.
“Do you want to hit me?”

He’s on phone.
Banana split, motherfucker.

I laugh and laugh

He goes to work.

...

With nowhere to go
And no one to be.
The women on the walls
All laugh and laugh.

“He’s so sad.”
“He’s so sad.”
Why am “I” there?
I want to be up there
So others can stare
At me.

...

Is it making fun of me?
Is it making fun of me?
Not at all.
Crying out for some reason
To hear and call.

Do I want to become Pesci?
Bitter. Sad. and not rich.
Or someone else.

Making it up as we go
That we are.

...

The New Yorker fucks me.
Ricky Gervais fucks me.
“The Office” fucks me as hard as they can
then wait for the ratings to roll in.

They all fuck me.

The players fuck me.

...

I need some dead guy
To laugh at
Or with, even.

Which one is worst of all?
No clue.
Because they’ve never bothered to write
Or call.

Life is all material for “Fine Art.”

...

I wish I didn’t know
Everything
I know today.

Wanna be blind
Wanna be cold
Wanna disappear.

...

Good liars
Make awful people
To spend time next to.

Looks good.
Plays rough.
Gets cheated.
“I outed him.”

So sad.
So maddening
So scary.

...
...
...

The Medical Profession

...

“Our tests show that you’re
Allergic to grain.”

A Georgetown alumnus
Afraid of a big ass.

“I thought he was just another nut
otherwise I would have paid
attention.”

This hurts.
This hurts so much.
“So when should we make our next appointment?”

Later on
Making fun of America’s great grandmother
Makes her brighten and laugh
While she remembers to forget
What she did to me
Over and over
And over.

...

“Hospital”

...

Every word out of their three mouths
Is a lie.

“I know now I have courage.”
I write
And they keep me even longer.
To prove it.

--------------------------------

2 days, 3 days, 4.
Keep movin' it forward.
Don't cross off the days on any damn calender
Cuz that's one day less to live.

1 2 3 4
Much much much much more.

Why, Wyc Y? Why?

"French Lick?"

"French Lick?"

Did Dad approve this name?

Let the Palo Alto Money Man show his face in the (new) Garden just once...

We know you guys are in debt. We know you guys have no idea what you're doing. We know the roster might be the league's hardest to deal with, since there is so much money tied up in future year's contracts.

...

We also know that it's been a tough season all the fucking way around for the Celtics and their fans.

...

Sell? Niccccccce.

Not likely, though.

Stay? Then get real.

How about a 10-Day Contract for a big man defender.

How about bringing Allen Ray back, since the young man can play.

How about signing a veteran free agent who will kick some butt in practice?

How about a new Coach?

How about a few scouts?

How about keeping the wife out of the locker room?

How about showing some class and commitment?

How about using that Bachelor's/J.D./M.B.A. brain of yours to come up with a better product..?

...Since, you know, we Celtic fans are used to you guys winning...

...And get real appreciative when you do.

The first 24. The only 24 that matters.

Itchin' powder in my face.
Fucking with my memories.
Try try try
To ruin me
And you'll get what's comin'.
Deserve it?

This boy knows that there's only 24 hours per day.
And you register not at all
In my little 24.

Wake up shower
Stretch groan creak
Another day is here.

Scary until we move.
Don't think just do something
Good.

What happened yesterday?
Same old same old.
Today more of that
Unless you do it right.

Dark when we get up in the a.m.
2, 3, 4. (Someday 6)
Shades shut tight
Hate the sunrise.
Why?

The day happens no matter what;
You control only one.
"It gets easier" is for suckers.
It never gets easier
Just maybe sometimes a bit sweeter.

A Couple of Grinds to Axe

What really grinds us here in the 'Pent? Read on...

------------------------------------

Non-Sports:

Ryan Gosling of "Half Nelson": Please, more Jack Nicholson post "Easy Rider", and not Diego Luna post "Y Tu Mama, Tambien" (sorry to point a finger, but man, what is going on?).

The Oscar nomination for Best Actor is certainly well deserved, but ya gotta lot of films to make in the next six or seven decades. Please make them count: "Next." "Next." etc.

------------------------------------

Sports:

Note to media...

Please, please: No more talk about how today's young basketball players need to learn to shoot Kareem's Sky-Hook. Not another word.

That shot was a magnificent and unique artform that only Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, in the history of the sport, has mastered. The story goes that he, as a youngster, found that shooting a one-step hook was the easiest way to get the ball anywhere close to the basket. It just happened, and Kareem used it to score more points than any player who ever lived.

Try it sometime. One step, if that. One hand. It's friggin' impossible to shoot it quickly, with accuracy, while using the off hand to ward off shot blockers.

Kareem's Sky-Hook may be the most beautiful piece of showmanship in the game's history, because no one before or since has done it.

Nobody.

-----------------------------------

Non-Sports:

Just about the most widely read columnist in New England, Dan Shaugnessy, wrote an article Tuesday titled, "Hit is part of the game" on how the Patriots QB deserves to get slammed for what he did or did not do in his personal life. The rest of "The Globe" is full of "news" about what the guy did or didn't do. "The Herald" probably has covered the heck out of it as well. Not that we would know.

But come on now.


Just cuz yu jealous don't make it a-right.


He may be extremely average looking with sometimes questionable choices in hairstyle, be a Michigan "grad", and still look wicked skinny, but he's a person who has publicly treated one and all with tremendous respect. The guy is great.

We wondered what was going on too, at first. Just like anyone would. Who doesn't enjoy a juicy bit of gossip? But let it gooooooo.

One day's coverage, maybe two, is enough.

-----------------------------------

Sports:

Tommy Heinsohn has 392 comments on his MySpace page to answer (individually, a la Cuban Mark?).

Man, Tom. What exactly do you do with your time? Paint? Broadcast?

Maybe there's a staff person at The-Best-Damn-Sports-Channel that could give these folks answers to their questions/comments. And maybe recommend some music, too.

-----------------------------------

Non-Sports:

"Grosse Point" is one funny and fairly priced DVD.

Much like the amazing first "Brady Bunch" movie, the actors in this have not appeared in much since. But the 17 episodes that Darren Star and his cast and crew produced are classics. Laugh out loud funny.

And the best kind of satire: Everybody gets it in the end.

Awesome.

The Freedom of the Press

Questions raised by PBS and Lowell Bergman on last night's "Frontline":

How has "Deep-Throat" been twisted into "Cut-Throat" by so many of the powerful?
--- Confidential media sources began as a tool to be used for the common good by the press. Decades later they are now by and large a manipulation of the press.

Judith Miller of The New York Times: How much was she played? How much playing did she do? (She has left the Paper of Record since her "85 Days.")
--- Where have you gone, "The New York Times"?

In a large, dark room, why is it more important to reach out than to
keep asking "why am I here?"
--- "You don't need eyes to see..." -- from Lars von Trier's "Dancer in the Dark." Meaning that it is more important to strive than to grasp.

"Dimished opportunities are one factor in...military enlistment rates in (small towns)"

"Nearly half of the US fatalities have come from towns of fewer than 25,000"

testing....

one

two

three

Across the Sporting Universe...

from the Pro Football Hall of Fame: Just who is this Anthony Mu_oz?

"The new Wahl-Bag is here! The new Wahl-Bag is here! Ok, Saturday. But still: it's here!

Terrific article by The Portland Press Herald's Kevin Thomas on why DIII basketball is so strong in the state of Maine: mostly because outside of the state university up in Orono, the players pay their own way. No DII scholarships available, so the best high school girls players are forced to either leave Maine to attend college, or pay XX,000 dollars a year to go out of state.

One case to watch closely. As they say in medical school; follow the money. The thousands of ex-NFLers deserve their slice of the multi-billion dollar pie, without question.

O. J. Mayo suspended for having a ref try to get a slice of Mayo's future earnings? Hey, West Virginia: don't expect Mayo to fund the Mashall University Library and Taco Bell Drive Through any time in the next, say, 50 years. LA is a long way from WV. He didn't deserve any of that.

Tony Bennett of Washington State is a terrific choice, but come on. Year in and year out, Roy Williams does a phenomenal job, Seth. Though this year, will all the expectations, and whacked out coaches aiming for them, Billy Donovan of Florida is Coach of the Year in our eyes. Gonna be a great tournament.

Terrific column by Bill Trocchi. Nevada, to the 'Pent, is not just a dark horse for the Sweet Sixteen; they have a trace of Indiana State's fabulous '79 Final Four team: senior 6 10 shooter, rebounder (ok, not so much passer) in Fazekas, two quality players in Kemp and Sessions (Nicks and Gilbert for ISU), experience, guard play, and the belief that they can get it done against anyone. That is a team that backs down from no one. A nice draw would help, but we think they can win four at least.

Come on now. They're all winners -- The 2006 404 Awards

Just like the real Oscar voters we've seen only a fraction of the 2006 releases.

But from those we did see, these are the best:

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Best Film/Director --

The Good Shepard
Half Nelson
The Last King of Scotland
Marie Antoinette
Miami Vice
The Queen
Sherry Baby
United 93

Best Lead Actress --

Shareeka Epps
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Helen Mirren
Meryl Streep
Evan Rachel Wood -- Down In The Valley

Best Lead Actor --

Steve Coogan -- Tristam Shandy: A Cock And Bull Story
Matt Damon -- The Good Shepard
Leonardo DiCaprio -- The Departed
Colin Farrell
Ryan Gosling
Edward Norton -- Down In The Valley
Vince Vaughn
Forest Whitaker

Best Supporting Actress --

Emily Blunt
Vera Farmiga -- The Departed
Lily Tomlin/Meryl Streep

Best Supporting Actor --

James Cromwell -- ___ Queen
Rory Culkin -- Down In The Valley
Matt Damon -- The Departed
Michael Gambon -- The Good Shepard
Mark Wahlberg -- The Departed

Best Documentary --

49Up
An Inconvenient Truth
The Devil And Daniel Johnston
Jesus. Camp.
Once In A Lifetime

Best Design/Cinematography --

The Last King of Scotland
Marie Antoinette
Miami Vice


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"It's an honor just to be blogged...
I have nooo idea what I'm going to say.
It's soooo nerve racking being up here.
I truly, truly thought I'd finish last.
(takes typewritten list from righthand pocket/handbag)
First let me say 'thank you' to my agent and manager.
Without you two, who knows where I'd be?
Also, to the studio for being behind me 100% of the time, full force. Thanks, guys.
My family? What can I say?
And you, the audience that pays for my mansions and many cars, both the SUV's and the eco-friendly ones I drive when I know a good impression is important, well, without you I'd be doing something a lot less artistic.
Wow.
I can't believe this is happening to me..."

Skills Challenged NBA

1) Charles Barkley defends his title as the world's fastest "near 300" pounder. Bavetta never had a chance.


2) Non-Star game last night

Missed it.


3) 3 Point Contest

Finals were...

Sven Kapono, Diggler, and Gilbert Arenas. (Jet "Nashed" the first round.)

The Diggler got tired from all that shooting, finished third.

Arenas, maybe the only jump shooter to make it this far in a while, finished second.

And a damn Euro wins it! Kapono takes home the Damon-money.


4) TNT ran four dunks from years gone by...

Tom Chambers "Take-Off" Dunk was clearly the best.

MJ's awesome jam over Patrick second. Now that was a rivalry!

John Starks right foot/left hand dunk was nearly as good as the first two.

And Julius' wrist bone breaking dunk over the Lakers should not be shown anymore. He broke his fucking wrist, supposedly. And he IS Julius Erving: maybe there's five hundred ones just as good?


5) Slam Dunk Contest

Dwight Howard's dunks were ok, but lacked showmanship and originality. Get serious, kid.

Tyrus Thomas had a lot of flair and looked like he had some fun. Nice to see.

Nate Robinson improved on his title winning effort and made some great dunks: a-l-m-o-s-t went sideways on the one-handed one. Wow. And his "Statue of Liberty", with the assist coming from David Lee (David Lee had an assist?) was amazing. First time we've seen that. Great job.

Gerald Green, channeling Dee Brown, Paul Pierce, and Red Auerbach, wins it. As it should be: the C's can't win a fucking game, but they take the Slam Dunk. What a world. Gerald's win hopefully is a harbinger of good things to come for Boston's team. And we don't mean the lottery. There's a lot of games left to play and maybe win in the second half.

Bloody "Diamond"

Six word reviews for the December release...

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Second units shots were good. Stock?

Stephen Collins very best film performance.

Gayest director in all of Hollywood?

Zwick: Log Cabin Republican, MENSA member.

Ed Zwick's "Blood Diamonds! The Film"

Hounsou: Sympathy? Not anymore. Puzzlement.

Casting director for this? Just awful.

Bow and Arrow: Cut the check.


...and one last review...

Important material? Yes. Butchered? Oh, yeah.

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this post free of typos hopefully...

Whadya say, Hank?

"Former Backup's Backup, John Amaechi, is a self-promoting, wine-sipping poser. We don't think he can play the game very well. Never could." -- Hank Szabo, Apartment404 Staff Senior Writer, 2/16/07.

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Along with one of the greatest guards in the history of basketball, Tim Hardaway, our Hank (who is dumb as a pet rock on the court, by the way) has been "officially banned" from the NBA All Star Festivities this weekend in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

Here's the story, per Yahoo! News!. And here's Jack-___ speaking power to what many feel is truth. It's fun to pretend to be the boss, huh Jack?

Hank, do you have any further comment on being banned from attending the 2-Point Contest, the Celebrity? Non-Star Challenge game (3 5 minutes halves for that one), and finally, the NBA All Star Game (which is actually usually a lot of damn fun)?

Hank? Hank?

Okayyyy....

So Hank is wicked mad about being banned, and isn't talking.

Cannot blame our staff person, since we've all had it tough for quite a while.

Guess we'll just stay here in the Apartment and figure out something else to do with ourselves.

Thursday Night's NBA Doubleheader: THAT'S why we love this game!

Why is basketball our favorite sport and the world's greatest game? Last night in the NBA was a pretty good example. Only two games were scheduled, so hopefully the league's coaches, management, and players took it all in.

--------------------------------------------------

First, Mavericks over Rockets, in Houston.

157 points? 42% and 39% shooting? Must have been a bore, right? Wrong.

That was some serious playoff type basketball played in Houston. Both teams wanted the win bad.

The Diggler, Josh Howard, and Jerry Stackhouse scored and defended. And Jason Terry came up big late. The Mavs are certainly ready to win their sec..., sorry, first championship.

The Rockets? The team, and T-Mac specifically, are still playing some damn basketball. Great stat line for McGrady: 27 points, 10 rebounds, only two turnovers, and X assists (pick your own number: assists are made up numbers by the home team's stat crew. and yes, we know the game was in Houston). Shane Battier, Rafer Alston, Chuck Hayes, and the great Mutombo also played well. That is a team that is getting better and better.

Once Yao returns from injury, they could be the league's best, or close to it, if everything comes together and they remember that winning is a lot of fun.

--------------------------------------------------

Cavs beat up the Lakers. Just beat them up.

Any road win for a young team is sweet. But to beat the Fakers in LA (the crowd was actually pretty good, surprisingly), and to have them blink in the last couple of minutes, now that's special. Great way to end the first half of the year.

The Cavs defense was as impressive as any played this year that we've seen. They attacked, made smart gambles, helped each other out, and just pummeled the Fakers into 39% shooting and a lot of long faces in the fourth quarter. That's what good D will do in football, hockey, and basketball: win the game in the last quarter/period.

LeBron played the kind of game he was born to play: Great. 22 foul shots? Defense played like, well, MJ? Yes and yes. And his lack of expression was beautiful. Again, MJ tore their hearts out, but didn't seem to ever play it up on the road. Ice cold on another team's court is the way to do it.

Winning is a lot of fun, we would think.

The Cavs got terrific efforts from Anderson Varejao (one of the league's best young big men and a perfect player for this team), Eric Snow (who played great the last few minutes), and Larry Hughes, who looked a bit sluggish but still had 15 points and 5 rebounds. And Donyell Marshall can still shoot the ball, still block a shot, and rebound the ball, too. That is a quality team.

We have had our doubts about the overall talent level on Cleveland, and still think that they most likely don't have enough to win a title this year, but man, last night was some beautiful basketball.

Something to build on.

--------------------------------------------------

The best quote we've read in recent years comes from the Patriots Tom Brady, who tells a story about a member of the Michigan athletic department staff who always claims his favorite ring is the "next one."

Gonna be a great second half to the season.

Nicknames are a "Tell"

"Dice-K"? Come on Red Sox. You can do better than that.

The Sox new pitcher, Daisuke Matsuzaka, comes to the U.S. with a reputation as the best starting pitcher in all Japanese baseball. He is a $103 million dollar investment by the Boston ownership. And will pitch for one of the five or six most historically important franchises in MLB.

Yet they stick him with "Dice-K?"

We here in the 'Pent are sure that we aren't the only ones who remember that no talent loudmouth Andrew Dice Clay, who subsisted on misogynistic, sexist, and racist "jokes" for a few years. Whether he believed in what he was saying or not, he still said it. And for a while, people laughed.

Does Red Sox Nation need to be reminded every fifth day of the Sox history of racism and cronyism?

Thought that was put to rest in '04.

Maybe Daisuke could just go by his last name; Matsuzaka.

"Matsuzaka. Matsuzaka. Matsuzaka." Now that's a beautiful name, if you ask us. Just has a nice sound, once you pay attention.

Or what about "AKA?" That may be more fitting than anything else.

Though we prefer his given name.

====================================

John Bucyk, former Bruin, all time hockey great, Hall of Famer, and major historical figure in Boston sports, was given a night by Bruins management on Tuesday. And it was special.

But let's back up a bit...

Though he is Ukranian, John Bucyk was given the nickname early in his career of "Chief." In the 1950's it was an accepted practice in our society to label people with nicknames representing the most obvious stereotypical shorthand. Though not an American Indian, the nickname stuck (to argue that Ukranians and other Asians are the forefathers of Native Americans would take up took much print on this here blog. though it is true: look at a map of asia and alaska/canada).

And now , after toiling so very hard for one of the Original Six franchises of the NHL over 50 years, isn't it time that The Captain is given his just due?

How about a casino, named in his honor? To be located somewhere around the Mass Pike and Route 128 intersection? Howz that sound...

Maybe 350 acres of prime real estate for the Chief? Doesn't he deserve that, since most everybody, and the Apartment404 staff is included in this, thought that John Bucyk must be part American Indian, with a nickname like that.

What about it, Governor Patrick?

Declare The Chief a Nation. That would be just fine.

====================================

Cannot wait to see what's in store for new Boston College Football Coach Jeff J-a-g-o-d-z-i-n-s-k-i.

A List of Songs for February 15, 2007.

Inspired by (and some songs lifted from) The Boston Globe's fun online forum.

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1. "Out of the Blue" -- Roxy Music

2. "Say It Isn't So" -- The Outfield

3. "(Don't Go Back To) Rockville" -- R.E.M.

4. "Dogs In The Yard" -- Paul McCrane/"Fame" soundtrack

5. "You Make My Dreams Come True" -- Hall & Oates

6. "Hands Clean" -- Alanis Morissette

7. "Across The Universe" -- The Beatles

8. "Carefree Highway" -- Gordon Lightfoot

9. "Lithium" -- Evanescense

10. "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" -- The Temptations

11. "She Bop" -- Cindi Lauper

12. "In The Garden" -- Van Morrison

13. "I'm The Man" -- Joe Jackson

14. "Jind Mahi" -- Malkit Singh/"Bend It Like Beckham" soundtrack

15. "A Man In A Purple Dress" -- The Who

16. "Desire" -- U2

17. "Rock Your Body" -- Justin Timberlake

18. "Are You Havin' Any Fun?" -- Tony Bennett & Elvis Costello

19. "Our Last Night" -- Los Lobos

20. "Your Body Is A Wonderland" -- John Mayer

Sports? No. Life.

Video Proof from Defoomie of YouTube that it really happened.

Last night at the (new) Garden, the Bruins organization honored John Bucyk for 50 years of service by giving him a car.

His teammates and fellow players honored him in a better way.

And The Captain made a bit of history.

=====================================

Don't get the reference, kids? Pay better attention. Here's what he meant. One of the classiest movies ever made. Worth sitting through to see how it ends.

=====================================

And Stan Jonathan's Mom? Thanks, too.

=====================================

These guys do not disappear off the planet when they leave the rink, field, diamond, court, etc. They have lives and families that need to be tended to sometimes. They give their heart and soul when they are competing, but they are also human beings.

Quite a night.

Because you matter to a lot of folks.

from Bill Simmons post on ESPN.com, 2/13/07.

This is an Apartment404 attempt at a FireJoeMorgan.com type deal, though we don't want anyone fired.

I watched three college games (Gonzaga-St. Mary's, Wisconsin-Iowa and Florida-Kentucky) and most of the Oregon-Arizona game on Saturday, as well as Texas-Oklahoma State and the second half of Santa Clara-Gonzaga Monday night. Thanks to the power of TiVo, you can zoom through commercials and free throws and bang out an entire game in 40-45 minutes. ---

We can’t afford TiVo. We have digital cable. But yes, it usually takes about 40 minutes for us to bang one out, Bill. We call it m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-i-o-n. What, don't they teach that in the schools you attended? It's a pretty natural thing for normal people the world 'round.

Anyway, Gonzaga beat St. Mary's and lost to Santa Clara; Wisconsin pulled away from Iowa in the last 10 minutes; Florida held off Kentucky in a subpar game; ---
“Subpar game?” What are you talking about, Bill? The atmosphere in Rupp last Saturday night was amazing, from what we could tell on the telly. Wish we could have been there, but we were busy banging one out. Actually, that was early afternoon. We don’t fuck with a big-time college b-ball game. We actually like sports.

Arizona snuck past Oregon in a nailbiter; and Texas won by 29 at home.
Some random thoughts ...
• The Texas-Oklahoma State rematch was marred by the fact that the Cowboys took a two-hour dive on live TV. So far they've played 14 home games, six neutral site games and just five road games ... and they're 0-5 in the road games. That's embarrassing. They have two potential second rounders -- JamesOn Curry, the troubled guard who's been in college since the mid-'80s,
--- Some black people look older than their years? That’s not very funny.

...and Mario Boggan, an undersized, 23-year-old power forward who lacks a definable NBA position (much like Alando Tucker). I don't see Curry making it, but Boggan intrigues me because the NBA has gotten faster/sleeker/smaller and there's an established track record of undersized power forwards getting playing time (Ryan Gomes, Craig Smith, Jason Maxiell, Luke Walton, etc.). That's the single best value you're going to find in the draft -- those guys always go 15-25 spots too late and always end up getting playing time.
--- Okay, there’s something we agree with. Boggan can play, but is only about 6 6. Could be good, though not a starter, in the NBA. But heck, we've made a mistake or two in the past.

...Neither Boggan (16 points, 3 boards) or Curry (5-for-13, 12 points, no assists) helped their causes last night -- their team got annihilated by the Longhorns, who are finally figuring out how to make opponents pay for double-teaming Kevin Durant (they shot 56 percent last night and 8-for-15 on 3-pointers). The star of the night was D.J. Augustin, the freshman PG who played an absolutely brilliant game (19 points, 8 assists, 2 steals) and validated every Texas fan who e-mailed me last week to argue that I was dead-wrong about him. (Note: I wrote that he was too out of control and too inexperienced to get Durant the ball in the right spots.) Hey, when he plays under control like he did last night, he's an absolute stud. There's no question. As crazy as this sounds, Augustin will probably determine their March Madness destiny more than Durant; if he gives them two great weeks, they can beat anybody.
--- You may be right that the freshman point guard D.J. Augustin is a key player for Texas, but he is too selfish at this point in his career to lead that team out of the first weekend of the tourney, in our view.

...As for Durant, he played a sloppy game for the first 25 minutes, had trouble getting the ball within 20 feet of the basket (in his defense, it's tough to get the ball when your coach doesn't run plays, high screens or picks)
--- So you’re writing that Coach Barnes doesn’t know what he’s doing? We think he does a terrific job in a tough atmosphere down in Austin. That school was never consistenly top 15 until Coach Barnes got there. And he's getting Durant a ton of good looks.

...and wasn't rebounding at all
"(W)asn't rebounding at all?" Do you know anything about basketball? All you have to do is look in those things called box scores to see that Kevin Durant has been rebounding a lot of damn shots the last three months.

... and then, out of nowhere, he totally took over the game. With Texas leading by nine at the 13:30 mark, Durant scored 11 of the next 15 points, controlled the boards and extended the lead to 17. Ball game. Somehow, he ended up with 21 points and 12 rebounds. Over everything else, that's what makes Durant special -- great players take over games for extended stretches, almost like how players caught fire and changed colors in the old "NBA Jam" arcade games. That's what he does, and that's what makes him different than every other player in college hoops. Yes, I still have him ranked above Greg Oden.
--- Above Oden? You’re the only one. And we don’t get the video game reference. But we went to Miami U ("The Other One"), not that school on a hill.

• I have a new favorite player: Chase Budinger, the Arizona freshman best described as a taller Thunder Dan Majerle with a 45-inch vertical leap. By the way, that's an estimate -- he might have a 55-inch vertical leap. Hell, it might be 70 inches. But he shoots 3s, fills the lane, jumps over everybody, even has red hair and one of those chin goatee thingies. Just an electric player. He might be the most exciting white guy since ... I don't even know. Was Majerle even that exciting? Tom Chambers? I'd have to go all the way back to the great Paul Westphal.
--- Tom Chambers was 6 10 and dunked on everyone in the NBA. Paul Westphal was 6 2 and ran around everyone in the NBA. Just what comparison are you making, Bill? Dan Majerle is a pretty good one, though. He was a hell of a player. Actually, that's very good. Very similar games.

...Everyone made a big fuss about him in the preseason because he's also a world-class volleyball player, so it's not like I hadn't heard about him before
--- Karch Kiraly, Bill? You make a sarcastic reference to volleyball and forget that Kiraly kicked the shit out of every pro athlete whenever he competed in the “Superstars” competition? Kiraly is one of the great athletes of the last 50 years. Superior volleyball players in general are amazing athletes. It's a sport a lot like basketball, actually.

... but I wasn't prepared to see him tear apart Oregon (30 points, 10 boards) and carry himself with a "you guys suck, I'm the best player on the court" demeanor. He almost reminds me of one of those sneering California skateboarders who hang outside banks, ride railings of the outside staircases and terrify the customers as they're trying to head inside. In real life? I hate those kids. In basketball? I want them carrying themselves like that. Anyway, I was really impressed -- he's a sure thing. I'd rank him fourth for the draft behind Durant, Oden and Noah, assuming he comes out (which he probably won't).
--- Budinger fourth. Ok, that is a prediction we don't agree with. He’s very good, but not at 4. Should have a long NBA career, though.

• Speaking of Noah, I love how his draft stock dropped because he stuck around for an extra season and everyone started picking him apart. Um, didn't we learn from the Chris Paul debacle? Right now, he's ranked fourth behind Brandan Wright on just about everyone's board (with one notable exception: the underrated Jonathan Givony of draftexpress.com, who has Noah ranked third AND Durant ranked above Oden); I could see him sliding to fifth or sixth as everyone talks themselves into Al Horford and Julian Wright because of the whole "upppppppside" thing. Meanwhile, he's even better than he was last season -- if you applied my Table Test to him, he's still one of those guys who brings X amount of things to the table and takes absolutely nothing off it, and he'll be better as a pro when he's playing with better teammates.
--- Noah needs better teammates? Where is he going to find them? At a Clippers game? The Gators won the NCAA's last year, Simmons.

...He's a winner, he's always in the right place at the right time, he always makes the right decision on either end, he doesn't care about stats, he's immensely fun to play with and he makes 5-6 important plays per game that will not be reflected in the stats.
--- But he needs a fucking haircut, man. Wait, scratch that. No haircut: the young man's some got serious style. Big time jock.

...One silver lining: Because he's playing on a deep team...
--- Deep? Not Florida. They go about 7 deep. Do you even watch basketball?

...and everyone keeps picking his game apart, he's definitely dropping out of the top three and possibly the top four. Well, Phoenix owns Atlanta's pick as long as it's not in the top three; I guarantee they're salivating over the chance that (A) that pick will be in the 4-to-6 range, and (B) Noah could fall to them. Can you imagine a better fit for Phoenix's frontcourt than Joakim Noah? Let's say they drafted him, and let's say they moved the other two first-rounders and maybe even Boris Diaw for a shooter (someone like Rashard Lewis or Mike Miller). Imagine a front seven of Nash, Stoudemire, Marion, Lewis/Miller, Bell, Noah and Barbosa? That's a 70-win team if everyone stays healthy.
--- Very eloquently put. The Suns are pretty good right now, Bill. Barbosa and his backup are damn good. Damn good. And Diaw is a terrific offensive player. He is a key for them, and they don’t need another shooter. They need passers and creators, and that’s what Diaw is.

(By the way, if anyone in Phoenix's front office is reading this right now, they're probably screaming, "Shut up! Shut the hell up! Dammit! He's ruining everything!")
• The Florida-Kentucky game was totally disappointing. Noah and Horford battled foul trouble the whole game; Kentucky couldn't hit anything from outside (3-for-22 from three!); and the only players who acquitted themselves well were Chris Richard (some huge minutes in Noah/Horford's place), Randolph Morris (kept Kentucky alive in the second half), Corey Brewer (Florida's slashing swingman who always seems to make 2-3 big plays down the stretch) and Ramel Bradley (Kentucky's point guard). Just an ugly game.
--- Do you like sports, Bill? That was an awesome atmosphere, terrific game, just everything a true sports fan could want. We enjoyed it. Again we'll ask: do you like sports at all?

I hate the five-foul rule because it's too much of an X-factor (especially during March Madness); for instance, Noah and Horford played 42 minutes combined against Kentucky. That's just stupid. It's the single dumbest rule in college hoops.
We think the dumbest rule is the women's half court rule. Just a bad rule that needs to be changed. It alters how the last two minutes of a game are played. No reason for it.

...I'd change it to a six-foul DQ with a catch -- if you commit a fifth foul, the other team gets to shoot two technical free throws as well.
--- You are plenty old enough to remember when the Big East tried the six foul rule; it didn't work in the regular season and it didn't help them in the tournament. Five fouls are fine. Keep the game the way it is. Unless you’re in favor of something silly like the 96 team tournament that we read has been seriously proposed by some.

...Three other highlights from the game:
1. During the pregame show, they ran a pseudo-"Cribs" feature during which Andy Katz (wearing a sweater out of the Eric Mangini collection)...
--- If you think Dr. Katz is fat, you must think we here in the ‘Pent are just disgustingly obese. Whatever. We know we're quite hefty.

...visited the five-room suite where Florida's four juniors live (Noah, Horford, Brewer and Taurean Green). Strangely riveting, not just for the posters (Bob Marley, 2Pac, etc.), the decorations (Noah had his dad's French Rolling Stone cover on the wall) and the video game setup (a tiny room where Brewer admitted that he plays constantly), but because of the way Katz had a nervous smile on his face the whole time best interpreted as either, "I hope these guys hid everything" or "I hope we don't see any torn condom wrappers." When I'm running ESPN8, this will be a half-hour show every week: "Andy Katz's College Cribs."
--- Ripping Katz is not cool. He's basically your teammate, Simmons.

2. We were blessed with the presence of Erin Andrews for this game, and if that wasn't enough, they showed footage of Erin during her days as a "Florida Dazzler" (the name for Florida's cheerleaders) from 1996-2000. I feel like you need to know these things.
--- Yeah, we agree with you there, Bill. Erin Andrews is sumptin'.

3. On the "We Might Need To Throw Some Water On Him" scale, Dickie V was about an 8.5 for this game. That's when I realized that the single most underrated play-by-play guy in any sport is ESPN's Dan Shulman, who's morphed into the modern-day Pat Summerall, one of those nuts-and-bolts guys who never overpowers the game, never suffocates you with information and says everything as concisely as possible. And sure, he doesn't have much of a choice because Dickie V is talking 90 percent of the time and apparently doesn't need to breathe, but still ... it's hard to imagine anyone doing a better job announcing a game with Dickie V.
--- Shulman is a terrific play by play man. And as far as Dick Vitale is concerned, we'd guess that there is absolutely no one on this planet who loves the game of basketball as much as he does.

• As for the Iowa-Wisconsin game, I spent most of the time studying Alando Tucker, the "Player of the Year" candidate and divisive draft prospect who projects as a tweener for the pros and loses points because he's already 23 years old. Of course, I liked him -- he's an inside-outside scorer with a power-post game and great hands around the basket, one of those guys who will always get his 20-25 in college even if he's shooting like crap. Reminds me of Bonzi Wells, only without the police record. I'm sure he'll go about 20 spots too late in the draft, one of the smarter teams will draft him (like Phoenix, Dallas or San Antonio) and figure out how to take advantage of his offense while minimizing his defensive deficiencies (he's too small to defend 2-guards and doesn't have the height to handle forwards).
--- “Police record?” Get the fuck out of here. You suck. Wells has been in the NBA for a long while, making serious money. What have you written that anyone will remember?

Maybe he doesn't make much sense as a pro, but when you watch him in college, he doesn't make much sense either. My first impression was that he's a gamer and a winner ... but I need to see him a few more times to be sure. I was confused by Wisconsin in general. That's a 23-2 team? Really?
--- "Winner" and "gamer?" You aren't that clever. Or are you? Wisconsin is a kick ass team. They play hard and nasty. Very physical and tough. They never lose to anyone they shouldn’t and they never lose at home. That is a darn good team. Not confusing to us.

(By the way, as you get psychologically prepared for all the annoying March Madness subplots, make sure you're ready for the 10,000 inevitable cuts to Alando's mom in the stands. She's animated, she's loud and she can't be more than seven years older than him. Every network will make sure you will be tired of her by Round 2. We might have to kidnap her before the tournament, just to be safe.)
--- Black women have children when they are young? Not something that is really all that funny, Bill. Ask players in the NBA who they count on, and it’s their Mom at or near the top of the list, we would think.

• As for Iowa, they have a lanky freshman named Tyler Smith that I liked. He's a little undersized for a forward but beats people off the dribble, creates shots for teammates and makes things happen on D. Plays above the rim, too. Interesting player. But the biggest shocker for me was that Steve Alford couldn't get a clothing deal this year -- he wore a dark Iowa rubgy shirt with matching sweat pants. He looked like a divorced dad who was picking up his son at his ex-wife's house and taking him to the dog track.
--- “Dog track?” That's an Anna Nicole Smith reference, possibly. She may have been murdered and you're joking that she was a dog? Not cool. We actually made some jokes about her when we heard she had passed away, more out of frustration with the state of the world than anything else. And we feel guilty now that it looks like there may have been some foul play going on.

--- And we aren’t sure if Coach Alford is divorced or not. Is he? Does it matter? His Iowa teams have not been that good, but what does his marital status have to do with how good the Hawkeyes are?

• Another fun running subplot this season: If you ever wanted to know what Private Pyle would have looked like 35 years later had he not taken his own life, check out Rick Majerus. When they cut to him during halftime of the Wisconsin game, I kept expecting him to refer to his play-by-play guy as "Joker."
--- Who is “Private Pyle” and are you talking about suicide? That's serious shit.

--- Rick Majerus has been a terrific announcer this season.

• Only saw the highlights of the West Virginia-UCLA upset but couldn't help but notice WVU's disorienting yellow uniforms and how they blended in with the creepy yellow-and-blue court. How does any road team play well there? No wonder UCLA lost. Just watching those highlights gave me a headache -- I felt like I was shrooming with Josh Heytvelt and Theo Davis. The NCAA might have to step in there.
• Why did I watch two Gonzaga games in three days? Well, Gonzaga was the major story of the week since two of its players (Heytvelt and Davis) were suspended for getting caught in their car with pot and shrooms. (In their defense, they're going to college in the state of Washington. What else are you going to do? I think they should throw the case out.) Also, I became a WCC pseudo-junkie while preparing for my two ESPNU broadcasts (both WCC games); as I studied tape, I was shocked to discover that (A) Gonzaga wasn't that good, and (B) the conference seemed to be wide open.
--- Two kids getting busted for having some drugs in their car is the “major story of the week?” Wrong. Lots of stuff was going on last week. Then you diss Gonzaga by saying they aren’t "good?” Be specific, please. Or do you not have any idea why they have struggled this season?

...Four weeks later? Not as wide open. The potential sleepers in the conference (St. Mary's and San Diego) couldn't get any momentum going, leaving Santa Clara as Gonzaga's only real threat. I wasn't sold on the Zags even before the pot/shrooms thing -- one of their best shooters (David Pendergraft) has flaming red hair, their best scorer (Derek Raivio, a skinny freelancer who makes jumpers from crazy angles) looks like Christian Bale in "The Machinist," and another starting guard (Matt Bouldin) looks like he bought Dan Dickau's old afro on eBay. I don't think they have a potential NBA player on the roster (not even Jeremy Pargo, a 6-2 athlete who does a little bit of everything). So when Santa Clara ended Gonzaga's 50-game home winning streak, it wasn't all that shocking because the Zags have no inside scoring without Heytfelt, so if they go cold for a prolonged stretch, anybody can beat them (something to remember for the WCC tournament in three weeks).
--- Pargo, an NBA player? Because his brother is? Because he's black? Because why? We think he's a nice third guard for Gonzaga, but has no shot at the NBA. Just our opinion.

...But here's what WAS shocking: Have you seen Santa Clara yet????
First of all, nobody on the team averages more than 10 points a game and they're 19-7. (Seriously. You can look it up.) Second, they threw a whitewash at Gonzaga for the entire second half. (At one point, I was half-asleep and mistakenly thought I was watching Brunswick Academy battling Rye Country Day in the Fairchester League playoffs.) And third, their two slash-and-kick guards (Brody Angley and Danny Pariseau) look like they're on hiatus from "Maui Fever." Still, they're one of those whole-exceeds-the-sum-of-the-parts teams that could definitely steal the WCC bid next month, then pull off one of those crazy "15-seed over the 2-seed" upsets in Round 1 of the NCAA Tournament when CBS shows their bench jumping up and down like little kids at least 200 times. Don't say I didn't warn you.
--- “Warn you?” What are you writing about here? What do you mean?

--- A lot of people read you, Bill. Come on now.

It's tough enough figuring out which end of the ball to hold...

Newsweak. 2/19/07. $4.95 per customer.

---------------------------------------------------

Sorry, but when "60 Minutes" kicks your ass, you know you're a man short.

---------------------------------------------------

Assorted pieces from this weak's issue:

Top of the Week -- The Editor's Desk
--- "Historically, it would not be surprising if the Iraq (W)ar were to lead to conflict..." This man is all thumbs. Can he spell "heavy-handed?"

Campaign 2008
--- $4.95 doesn't buy a lot of worthwhile porn. Spend enough to get the job done, we say.

Perspectives
--- "I do not currently hold the position that henceforth the Speaker of the House of Representatives, whom, according to the Constitution of the United States of America, is second is line for the Presidency, is requesting of us fine fellows that, you know, she be let on the space aircraft." White House Spokesman

Robert J. Samuelson -- The Stubborn Welfare State
--- Mr. Samuelson tries to trick his many loyal readers by stating a fact, though it is completely misrepresented: In 1956, Defense spending took up nearly two thirds of the Federal Budget. In 2006, Entitlements took up nearly the same percentage. Samuelson would have us believe that that is our fault. He implies that Americans aren't working hard or blogging enough ("...work harder...work more...spend more..."). That is deception at its lowest. The world was, and the United States was, very different a half century ago. Very different. You can look it up.

David Noonan's piece on "Laugh(ter)"
--- "It is as good as a joke can get..." That's a pretty humorless, tone deaf thing to write about an atrocity.
--- "Turns out that chopping up stuff in blenders is quite popular these days on YouTube." Idiot, those are ads.
--- "...(D)ead before...November... What more could a bunch of brilliant humorists ask for?" Wow. That's just awful.

--------------------------------------------------

Later on down the road, Newsweek...

"The Onion" web site

A humor site that hesitates just won't be as funny. Sorry, but that's the way it is. Though 75% of perfection is pretty damn good.

You guys were great and much appreciated.

The Time Machine

Do we and our sponsors wish we could go back a week or a month and write or not write certain things? Yes.

Is this likely to happen...the whole Time Machine deal? Nope.

So what do we do? We try and we try and we try, and tomorrow we'll try and try some more.

.....

The sponsorship deals we've got going are tough to deal with, as everybody deserves to make a buck. No shame in that. But sometimes the balance between blogging and reality gets blurred.

That's why sometimes our posts are less funny.

But hey, we'll just have to try and try. And try and try.

No other way.

the Times has settled on "Casualties of War" as the title

from the New York Times website

What's wrong will always be wrong...

..No matter how you package it.

---------------------------------------------------

per Boston Globe, 2/11/07. page A14:

31 years old,

27 years old,

21 years old,

18 years old,

22 years old,

41 years old,

34 years old,

20 years old,

26 years old,

38 years old,

18 years old,

26 years old,

20 years old,

20 years old,

24 years old,

20 years old,

31 years old,

21 years old,

40 years old.

---------------------------------------------------

They ain't getting any older.

The Race to 20 Wins.

Bob "Knight" Knight's Texas Tech team has, after losing this afternoon, a record of 15-10. Not too bad, except that this man is the all time wins leader in college basketball coaching.

Glenn "Doc" Rivers coaches the Boston Celtics, and the team's W/L stands at 12-37. Pretty bad any way you look at it, especially for the winningest franchise in NBA history.

--------------------------------------------------

Will either coach reach 20 wins this season?

Quite possibly no.

Texas Tech has lost 5 straight, the first time "Knight" has lost 5 in a row since his first season at Indiana.

The Celtics are in the midst of a franchise long losing streak of 17 games.

--------------------------------------------------

Can the Raiders of TT win 5 more this season?

Can the Celtics win 8 more games?

Being a Boston Celtic: For Those Who Have Pride.

Pride is a good thing to possess, however it should manifest itself.

=====================================

The Celtics last night lost their 12th in a row. Um, was it 14? Shit, man, it's a lot. Hmmmmm. 15? Wait...DON'T SPEAK! Last night was the 16th straight loss for the winningest, coolest franchise in NBA history.

Wasn't it?

What? What?

Seventeen? The Green have lost 17? In. A.

Row?

This can't be happening.

=====================================

Loss #17: 92-78 to the Exit 16 Nets at the (new) Garden. That hurts.

....

Loss #18: C's play the Minnesota North Stars; Kevin Garnett carries the team bus into the arena, then asks the other players to help him clean things up a bit. Kevin McHale, the Stars General Manager, leaves his wife and 14 kids at home and heads to the Mini-Dome early so he can talk basketball with Danny Ainge. Ainge arrives at Mini-Dome by 5:40, plenty of time to empty his mind. Stars beat C's on an alley oop from Ricky Davis to KG, over the skywalking Brian Scalabrine, who just wasn't hustling enough according to Rivers after the game. Rivers post-game comment: "Maybe if Scalabrine had worked a lot harder and hustled more, and jumped another 12 inches or so, we'd have only lost, say, 14 in a row at this point. With that let me say 'Sorry, but I have a plane to Florida to catch.'"

Loss #25: C's battle the Knickerbockers of Nueva York at the (new) Garden. Stands are full of gawkers. Players on both teams give it their best effort. Celtics lose by 20.

Loss #41: The record for consecutive losses stretching past 40, the Celtics vow to win one for Doc. They lose to LeBron's Cavs by 20. Stands are full of gawkers, who wait patiently in their seats until the final buzzer, then "boo" the Celtics players. One sad faced older man from Manchester yells out, "Youz are all million dollar slaves!" He then heads for the exit.

Loss #82: Now we're talkin'. Doc tries to fire up the remaining players (several have left each of the last two nights, taking buses out of Boston to return to their hometowns) by giving his "Ya gotta have heart...and for cryin' out loud, hustle out there!" speech for the eightieth time during the streak. Team loses to the ___________ of _____________ by 20.

Loss #200: After losing to the __________ of __________ by 22, Doc Rivers agrees to have his contract bought out by "management." Returns home to Florida and tells family to "hustle over to the Greyhound station and pick me up."

=====================================

Stop the insanity.

End this losing streak.

page 754 of Webster's New World Dictionary - Fourth Edition

IRaQ - (urk) - [ origin - irken: to loathe, be weary of ]
--- to annoy, disgust, irritate, tire out, etc.
--- synonym - to annoy

What's a Blog-Up? Well, we just invented it.

Grant Wuhl's weekly must read gave us here at the 'Pent a brainstorm: If he can have a Bilas-trator, why can't we have a Lavin-ator? I mean, who more than us needs to be Lavin-ated?

More to follow....

=====================================

ESPN.com's new Video section is extremely promising. This is why we have computers: to access whatever whenever. Great stuff.

=====================================

Big Blog-Ups go out to the following:

Bar-BOSA...
--- A jet with wings. He can play. A Steve Nash type career is in store for him, we think.

Phil KESSEL...
--- Mr. Game Winner is sure fun to watch play hockey. Good things gonna happen to him.

Brandon Roy...
--- He's back! A terrific player to watch.

The entire Denver Nuggets team...
--- A bunch of basketball players on that squad, led by one of Dean Smith's disciples.

The heart and soul of last year's LSU Final Four team, Glen Davis...
--- From way up here in Maine, we're rooting hard for ya, young Man.

and...

Many thanks to Jared Dudley and his Boston College teammates for having a terrific season in spite of some speed bumps. We may not have gone to school there, but BC has always been special to the entire 'Pent staff.

How Big is their T-Shirt?

T-Shirt number one is

From the Boston Celtics. A 2XL model. "100% Cotton." "Made in Bangladesh." "Machine wash cold."

Measuring 23 and 3 quarters inches in length, 24 and 1 third inches wide.

Seems to shrink some after wearing.

We here at Apartment404 do not like tight fitting clothes, so we'll have to lose a few pounds before we wear that particular model again.

We do plan on starting a rigorous exercise program first thing tomorrow morning. Definitely.

.....

The next T-Shirt comes from Syracuse University's NCAA champion basketball team of 2003.

XX Large Model. "90% Cotton, 10% Polyester." "Made in Honduras" (home nation of former major leaguer Gerald Young).

"Machine wash warm."

This T-shirt has a length of 27 and a half inches, with a width of 25 inches. Pretty darn impressive.

.....

The final T of this post comes from the three time Super Bowl champions, your New England Patriots.

27 and a half inches long. 27 inches wide. Wow.

"Made in Honduras." 2XL. "Machine wash warm." "90% Cotton, 10% Polyester." "Preshrunk."

.....

And the winner by two inches...

The Pats T. Though Syracuse had terrific length, they just weren't wide enough.

The Celtics T got blown away, folks.

Headline news, from Yahoo!:

"Kodak snapping off 3,000 more jobs" -- 2/8/07

This just in.....

Actress/Media Personality Anna Nicole is dead.

Now back to your regularly scheduled crap...

Hello...?

We accept envelopes with checks inside. Thanks...

Any of your major delivery services would be fine.

But only checks. Since those aren't real money, anyway.

Today's Portland Press Herald: These guys are good. (Seriously)

start here.

-------------------------------------------------

First item to catch the 'Pent (a)ttention...

page B9, lower left hand corner. Now for you at home, it may be a bit tough to tilt your personal computer in such a manner, but trust us on this one.

There's an ad for the local CBS affiliate, WGME 13, on that particular page. The ad, titled "Is your child riding in The Danger Zone?", has a girl about ten staring you, the reader, in the face from the back of a school bus. The kid is smiling and waving. Your first thought is supposed to be, "Awwww. A little girl." Your second thought is supposed to be, "How cute." Your third thought is supposed to be, "Hmmmmm. Little girls in danger are cute." Think not? Then you don't have a clue about advertising.

This ad is revolting on several levels. WGME is owned by a conservative company that always plays to the lowest common denominator: Certain types of people are scary and always should be feared and avoided. "They" are trying to steal your tax dollars. Lowering taxes is always the right move.

We think that's baloney (sp?).

But putting a "pornographic" picture of some girl (whose mom is just trying to get the kid into an acting/modeling career) in the local paper, which took the check, is pretty sick and twisted.

Think about it.

-------------------------------------------------

Second item we don't like much...

page B7. Adjust your personal computer as necessary. For those with a hand held, just flip it to the required page.

The Business Section AP story headline reads, "Rise in worker output worst in nine years." What? What?

The story is confusingly written, probably on purpose. What you the reader are supposed to think is, "Must. Work. Harder. And more hours." How the heck do your measure "worker productivity" in a nation of 300M people? And since this country doesn't manufacture anything anymore, how do you know how much work is being done?

Since we get fired a lot, and have quit all the other jobs, we are no authority on "work" or "productivity." But don't think for one second that the billionaires who run this country don't squeal with delight at headlines like this that may be taken seriously by people.

"Work" harder? Naw, work smarter.

--------------------------------------------------

Next...

page A4. An AP story about the fifth aircraft to be shot down in Iraq in the last three weeks.

We saw on CNN yesterday some retired Air Force General claiming that the US had "air superiority" in Iraq.

Two things:

One: We had air superiority in Vietnam the whole time.

Two: Five helicopters/aircraft shot down in three weeks is a lot.

--------------------------------------------------

Newsweek's 2/12/07 Edition

Apartment 404's two word review --

"An Embarrassment"

====================================

here's a fun game to play with yourself...

Mix N' Match:

A) ?????
C) Ben Bradlee
D) Tony "Pancake" Siragusa (world famous manager of a grill & bar, and a roll in on this list)
E) "writer" Kathi DeVeiny
F) "writer" Raynn Kellee
G) some "Outsized" asshole in the copy department. Have a nice career at "US magazine", miss/mr
H) Johnny "Soft" Meacham
J) Matt "Round Trip" Lite, world famous professional football player (a throw in on this list. Koppen needed the exercise.)
K) photographer Mike Blayke
L) photographer Jimi Foxy
M) photographer Jeff Jeff Mayer, who is apparently pretty twisted
N) Liza "Mama" O'Connor
O) Your least or most favorite overweight 50+ year old white male with no sense of decorum or decency

with...

Text

1) _____________ likes "Sherbert Fully Loaded", but never quite gets to the end of the VHS tape.
2) "That's _____________ _____________", he said proudly. "What the -uc- is she doing?"
3) I couldn't tell her, of course. I didn't want to explain that _____________, who, like _____________ and _____________, sometimes parties bro-less, was taking _____________ - dancing lessons to prepare for a "straight to video" role. Or that his two hours of research left him bruised "in the fucking balls, man. Right in my soft parts."
4) ...(A)n item ran on the NYT's Page VI, opposite a photo of _____________ falling down a stairway while dressed in little more than a fur jacket and a pack of smokes under his steaming _____________ .
5) ...(T)hey're baffled by dick length comparisons, cigar smoking, and fashion faux pas of the Pussy Posse.
6) M. M., a 36-year-old college senior to be at Southwestern ____________ University, in Outer ____________, who describes himself/herself as as recovered ____________ ____________ addict, girlfriend, says "I loved everything from his leather pants to his attitude to his massive ___________ that really rocked my ____________ .
7) ...Which is not to say that hearing about a certain CEO, Sir _____________ von _____________ II's "fire _____________" does not alter one's child rearing abilities, does it?
8) ...That some girls dress like ____________ / _____________ / _____________ is quite empirically true.
9) Newsweek feels that 35 to 65 year old white overweight males like ____________ or _____________who watch "foreign cinema", listen to a lot of "New Age" music, and TiVo Greta Von Susteran are clearly the most vulnerable to stars influence.
10) ...That means that celebrity followers gone nuts and all their NYTs/WP's antics can truly be teachable moments. Lesson No. I: Wake up, ___________ , ____________ , and ___________ , etc.

====================================

(inspiriation)

Mad Libs....

====================================

(perspiration)

this week's Newsweak article titled "Girls...Gone Wild."

====================================

(question raised)

How would you feel?

Top Secret!

For Your Eyes Only, readers...

---------------------------------------------------

We haven't received one card or letter yet.

How much do we have to beg?

Or did no one send anything.

---------------------------------------------------

After just finishing watching one of the great movies, "Coal Miner's Daughter", it strikes us that some folks will never make it out of the coal mine.

We think we will. And most of y'all, too.

Just wait.

But remember: we have not received one card or letter. That hurts.

Something ain't right.

-------------------------------------

Again, our address (yes, it's a real address and rest assured we are a real people) is...

P-LOC
c/o JCS
Apartment 404
1125 Brighton Avenue
Portland, ME 04102

-------------------------------------

Yeah, we know. We've given out other addresses before. But we're done moving.

Think we'll stay awhile...

===========================

Edit: February 8, '07

Yes, it's true: the 2/5/07 edition of The New Yorker contained thinly veiled references to this blog within its pages. Every single article contained a nugget about us. Like it? We LOVE IT!

So...

For 50 bucks per, if you send a page to the 'Pent (heck, send in $100. or EVEN MORE! or not...), we will autograph a 'piece of The New Yorker', for you to have and hold forever, and do with what you will.

Free shipping to your very own 'Pent.

==========================

Quien es mas...como se dice...mm..."Irrelevant?"

The Washington Post and its tiny weekly, Newsweek. -- Slogan: "Now for dirty old men!"

Small men everywhere. But that's not new(s).

Non-Celtics coaching our team.

Pay-Pal. The thing doesn't even work. That was quite the short run you guys had there.

NFL Players with balls. -- Slogan: "The NFL. For Players."

Senator and Mrs. Blutarsky. -- Slogan: "Still Running."

Non-Celtic coaches who wimper after the game, "(I) never had a chance." Fuck you, doc. You suck as a coach.

Old men who threaten to never retire. Dude, you retired from the sport a long time ago. It's just numbers now. Haven't Giants fans suffered enough?

The Big 10/11's salary cap. The Illini are abusing it worse than Jerry Jones ever dreamt of. Come on now. The Illini? The Illini? Why would a kid who wants to get to the NFL allow himself to play for a coach who's never won anything anywhere? It's easy to connect those dots. NCAA, please investigate Northwestern State immediately!

Stormin Mormons who think that overtly religious flip floppers have a chance to be President of the United States someday.... That will never happen.

Big business pretending that they don't enjoy the hell out of a good "surge."

Blog, blog, blog.

Jim Calhoun's 500th win at UConn. The game of the year in the Big East, as far as the ones we've watched. Last night at Gampel represents what college basketball is, or should be, about. Players, coaches, fans, everybody into it. Awesome. And we got us a front row seat, basically, thanks to ESPN.

10,761 spectators to see Tracy McGrady destroy yet another team? No wonder the Oilers left. Houston, you no hava the dongs to throw anything at Santa Claus (a 40 percenter, we hope); You completely suck as a sports town.

To think we used to root so hard against Dwayne Schintzius. Man, you guys are making it rough on us up here at the 'Pent. Now who are we going to hate on?

Bar-BOSA!! It's fun to say, isn't it? And his backup ain't bad, either. The Suns organization deserves a title. They have done a lot for the league over the franchise's history. They've also had some kick ass uniforms, which is saying something. And no, you can't have '76, no matter how much you bitch.

Chris Paul and players like him are why basketball is our favorite sport. You can't hide out on that court.

"What do (I) think? Let (me) get back to you on that."

Republicans block Senate debate on Iraq -- From Yahoo! News. By David Espo.

"We must heed the results of the November elections and THE WISHES OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE," said Majority Leader Harry Reid...

...THE AMERICAN PEOPLE do not support escalation. Last November, voters made it clear they want a change of course, not more of the same," said Reid. "The President must hear from Congress, so he knows he stands in the wrong place, alone."

--------------------------------------------------

This is a republic, not a democracy, Senator.

What do YOU think? That's why THEY elected YOU.

--------------------------------------------------

We think that we need to get the fuck our of Iraq.

We think that this whole ball of wax is hanging by a thread.

We think that it's time to act, not react.

We think that there's enough blame to go around for us all to smell pretty bad.

We think that having agendas is a basic human condition. An unattractive human condition.

We think that there's always something that can be done to make things better, or at least less worse.

We think that we really don't know very much 'bout much in the vast scheme of things. And that the world would be better off, to take a massively important example, if more doctors told their patients the same thing. "(We) don't know" -- A three word answer that says so much. Like, maybe, "You can trust me just a little bit, since I'm as confused as you are."

We are quite sure that being right all the time is so very wrong.

Tony Dungy: First.

The goldarn Colts win the Super Bowl?

The Super Bowl?

The Super Bowl?

Coooome on, people. This just ain't right.

=====================================

You can have the Petulant One.

You can have Addai and Rhodes and Gus. You can have Marvin2 and "Bruce" Wayne and Dallas. Clark.

You can have Saturday, Freeney, Sanders, Glenn, etc etc.


We still root for two professional football teams...

The Pats. And whoever is playing the Colts.


It just ain't right.


Whatever.

You are better that this. You have to be.

Bill Simmons of ESPN.com

"We?" You know better, man. No real sports fan says "we" when it's "they" that we are talking about.

"Rooting for the Boston Celtics to lose..."

"...you're a loser." Come on now, Simmons. That's a total cheap shot, and you know it.

"Those dastardly Ping-Pong balls could fail to cooperate..." There is no such thing as luck, Simmons. You know that.

"Fantanking." Fantanking?


You are better than this.

=====================================

Michelle Singletary's "The Color of Money" column in today's PPH

"(William C.) Rhoden's (Forty Million Dollar Slaves) raises provocative questions about wealth and responsibility (for blacks)." True. True.

But Singletary, who is black and claims to have "considerable economic resources", continues. She blasts Rhoden for blasting black athletes. But what is the bigger question? These young men and women are always products of a white male dominated system that creates the hackers and hucksters you claim to revile.


Come on now. Look at the big picture. It's always better to look up than down.

=====================================

The Baltimore Sun

Ripping Trent Dilfer? He helps the Ravens to a Super Bowl victory and you rip him? People who follow sports seriously know that Dilfer ain't no phony. He went through a lot of crap in Tampa Bay and later on. Did you have to Siragusa him? Hasn't he suffered enough?

=====================================

Mark Cuban is a "Celebrity?"

And he's hoping for what would probably be the biggest collective coronary since WKRP was yanked off the air (the first time)? This makes him some kind of "expert?"

That fish ain't big enough to keep, if you ask us.

=====================================

You have just got to do better.

You guys are too important, to a lot of folks.

=====================================

Can't we all just got along without a m----rf-----g dead g-----n horse?

It's a horse, fer f--k sake.

A h-o-r-s-e. There's more important stuff to blog about and write about.

=====================================

Can we all get in on that?

Let's pretend that it begins with the students of Pequannock High. Then the PTA, the teachers, and the school board. Then the city council. Then (...shiver...) the parents.

You get the idea.

=====================================

Bullshit in. Bullshit out.

Do they not teach that at the judge's academy?

=====================================

You don't HAVE to be, SNL. But it'd be nice. Not that there's anything riding on it...

You make fun of the morons who try dozens of times to get on national tv? You are on national tv! And this on the night you have just about the most accomplished American actress under 35 years old? Can you say "layup?"

The mean girl/guys who judge "Idol" are the targets, not the folks who want to be on tv. Which you folks already are.

Maybe have Drew read from "ET", "Bad Girls", "Mad Love", Woody Allen's terrific musical, "Scream", "The Wedding Singer" (Duh), "Never Been Kissed", "Charlie's Angels", Clooney's awesome film on "The Gong Show" guy, to pick just five. And have the cynical idiots give her the hook. You know, to show what idiots they are. (Call it "Masterpiece Idol", maybe.)

They're the target. Or should be.

And for crying out loud, the Academy Awards are coming up. How about having these idiotic judges award Oscars for best picture, best actress, etc. Who would they choose? You could even make up some bad movies. Though it wouldn't be hard to pick some real really bad ones.

Fraidy cats.