Sunday, December 31, 2006

Two things....

1) We're pregnant.

2) Pam Ward of ABC/ESPN might just be the new Pat Summerall the sports world has been waiting for.

Explanations to follow as time allows.

Continuous loop of "YMCA" got you down, sportsfan?

*** For 'Pent Premium Subscribers Only. ***

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Here is a list offered up to all those folks who program the lame music at most sporting events in between watching downloaded "Desperate Housewives" Season 1 episodes on their iPods:

1) "Long Live Rock" -- The Who -- 3:54
2) "Where Have All The Good Times Gone?" -- Van Halen -- 3:04
3) "You Should Be Dancing" -- Bee Gees -- 4:14
4) "Superman" -- R.E.M. -- 2:53
5) "Radio Ga Ga" -- Queen (Live Version from "Wembley '86") -- 5:57
6) "Johnny B Goode" -- Chuck Berry -- 2:38
7) "Adult Education" -- Hall & Oates -- 5:26
8) "What'd I Say" -- Ray Charles (From "The Best of Ray Charles: The Atlantic Years") -- 3:11
9) "Do, Ya" -- Electric Light Orchestra -- 3:43
10) "Flip, Flop, & Fly" -- Blues Brothers (Live version from "Briefcase Full of Blues") -- 3:38
11) "That's The Way Love Goes" -- Janet Jackson -- 4:26
12) "The Bird" -- Morris Day (Live version from "It's About Time") -- 4:12
13) "I Want To Break Free" -- Queen (Live version from "Wembley '86") -- 3:34
14) "Wreck This Heart" -- Bob Seger -- 3:53
15) "Hammer To Fall" -- Queen -- 3:40
16) "Big River" -- Johnny Cash (Live from "Live at San Quentin") -- 1:56
17) "Loser" -- Beck -- 3:54 -- To be played after bad guys make a dumb play.
18) "Have A Nice Day" -- Bon Jovi -- 3:49 -- To be heard while fans file out after the game.

First look at '06-07 UConn Men, plus bonus crap.

*** This post available to subscribers only. If you are viewing it without authorization, go back to your porn. To play, ya gotta pay. Payments accepted at BuyBuddy.com. Or send money orders to Apartment404, Portland, ME, USA. They'll get here. ***

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Let's get two things straight:

First, what kind of a parent brings a baby to a basketball game? The 8 month old can get no benefit from being amongst 10,000 or so screaming lunatics. Exactly what is the point of this practice? For all the "Oh, he/she is soooo cute"'s Mom and Dad get, you can count on a couple grand in therapy co-pays around first semester, junior year for the kid, due to massive trauma suffered by those tiny little ears being blasted with the equivalent of a jet engine for two hours. Just what in the hell is going on here? Hopefully the West Virginia State Police got a good look at that "mother" when the ESPN camera caught her smiling and the kid in shock during the second half TO. Give us a break with the "babies are so cute at the game" shit. Maybe next time the family can go out to the Morgantown airport and sit at the end of a runway for 90 minutes. The tyke would get as much out of that as from the ball game.

Second, no more Lexus ads featuring Muffy and Buffy, two hot 20-somethings who don't have a clue which of their "husbands" bought that fucking new Lexus parked out at the street corner with a bow on top. In reality, it was probably that creepy Mr. Burns look alike boss of theirs that wants a little something-something in return. Not too many kids five years out of college can afford $60K cars. These ads are supposed to make the balding, boner pill popping bankers and ad execs feel like, yes, my wife looks exactly like the two clueless hotties. She doesn't, Aaron or Bryce or Keith or whatever the hell your name is. Buy the car, but don't kid yourself. You're old. And getting older buy the second. Maybe the Miata would be a better choice.

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UConn's first road game. And first L on the year.

Losing in Morgantown to a pretty good though pretty inexperienced Mountaineer team is not a bad thing. The Huskies were behind the entire game, but played hard. This team needed some failure so that Coach Calhoun could see who is able to deal with it and who needs some "encouragement." The Connecticut Invitational Classic is thankfully over.

Time to get serious.


The Good?

-- Frosh center Hasheem Thabeet -- At first glance we thought the young man from Tanzania, listed at 7-3 (who knows?), was really "tiny", if you catch our drift. Steven Hunter's body. And we were thinking, here we go again. Another hyped kid, a la Louisville freshman Derrick Caracter, who ain't gonna be that good. But this kid can play. Obviously, he must get stronger. But he looked a lot like a Dalembert type, though with better instincts. Played aggressively and with energy throughout. Went after shots the right way, both on the boards and out of shooters hands. Has good form on his jumper (Though better concentrate more at the line. Looked like the ball he'd been given was pre-heated in a 500 degree oven, he shot it so fast. Calm down, young man.). If he comes out this year, he may be that Dalembert type: starter, though not someone who you can win 50 with. If he stays longer and lets Coach Calhoun and his staff teach him how to play and gets 30 minutes per, then he MIGHT wind up with a Motumbo career. Which would be a very good thing. Dikembe was a once a beast, though you might not remember it, he's been playing so long.

-- Doug Wiggins can score and shoot -- As Len Elmore pointed out, the Huskies need to find perimeter guys who can put the ball in the bucket. Wiggins looks like their best bet. He shot with confidence, and led the team in points. They need him to come through.

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Intermission -- Advice to Arena Rock Song Deciders: Because there are worse crimes than playing Gary Glitter.

Can we all just agree not to play "We Will Rock You" and "We Are The Champions" anymore? If there were a McDonald's type sign akin to the trillionth burger eaten kept on these two "anthems", then those damn songs would be right up there with the McFatter. Give us a break.

Play Queen. But play "Hammer to Fall". And then maybe some "I Want to Break Free" when there's enough time to play the whole song. Live "Radio Ga Ga" kicks ass, too.

We won't even get into the whole "you're turning my kids into fruities with your incessant YMCA bullcrap, Mr. PA Man." How many lawsuits have been filed over that tired song? Or are today's parents so completely fucking clueless that they don't know what the song is about?

Queen rocks. The Village People don't. So...

No. More. "YMCA." Or. "WWRY." Ever.

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The Not So Good?

"Babyface" Edmonds look-alike point man AJ Price and post player Jeff Adrien need to buckle down. They are the team leaders, and need to act like it and play like it. How many times did Adrien look frustrated with teammates and the refs? Not a good sign. This is a chance to do some good things, big guy. UConn needs you destroying people inside, like last year. Play your game via offensive rebounding and banging the shit out of the other team. That's plenty. And Price is talented, but didn't turn any heads yesterday, though thank goodness he's back on the court doing what he was born to do. He's gonna get better every week. Slow down and play with your head up and things will be fine.



The youngsters wearing those Husky uniforms need to know what school and what coach they play for. There is great pride and tradition down in Storrs. They can add to it, or be a footnote.

Time to get serious. Ya'll see the Mountaineers again. Maybe at MSG. Should be fun.

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The other "crap" that was previously promised

Dark Horse for Sweet 16 -- UNLV.
-- That Lon Kruger may know a thing or three about coaching. Rebs are 13-2, with good wins over Hawaii (2X), South Florida, @ Texas Tech, the Big 10's Minnesota, and Texas A&M Corpus Christi.

Good on ya, Adam Morrison --
-- First time out after a horrific shooting night, the youngster put 30 in the books. Is there a basketball fan who isn't rooting for this kid?

The Heat played "the" Chris Quinn 25 minutes last night. --
-- That may not be the best sign for the champs, who scored 68. And Antoine didn't make a bucket? My word, that just ain't right.

Grizzlies score 39 in first quarter last night. --
-- In first quarter of Head Coach Tony Marone's NBA career, too. Wow. You can't make this stuff up. Sorry, Czar, but you are one hell of a great announcer.

Just what the hell is Jim Paxon doing with his 168 hours a week? --
-- LeBron, meet KG. KG, meet LeBron.

The Wiz need a new tin man. --
-- Brendan Haywood didn't get his ass in the game last night. 6-7 shooting guard Jarvis Hayes was listed as the starting center versus Andrew Bogut. That is cold, man. Just cold.

Friday, December 29, 2006

This Just In...: NBA Stat Line of the Year.

From tonight's Fakers multiple OT loss to the Bobcats:

Kobe = 54 minutes, 22-45 from floor, 10-12 free throws, 4-11 from 3, 5 rebounds, 4 assists, 4 turnovers, 6 personal fouls, 58 total points.

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The Fakers had just 16 assists on their 46 made field goals.

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Long live the Mamba!

Book it: Syracuse's Demetris Nichols will be the 58th player taken in the '07 NBA Draft.

Who are the best pro prospects for the June NBA Draft?

Hard to pin much down in December, seven months before the picks are made, but Apt404 wants it known that there are eight young men that seem worth separating from the rest of eligible players.

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I
-- Greg Oden -- Little question he is the best center prospect in years, so we're gonna work hard to find something to question about the amazing young man from Indy. First; is he really a seven footer? Not that it makes much difference, but it looks at though he may be closer to 6-10 than 7-1, though he has fairly long arms. Another; since Oden's body is so advanced for a freshman, how much bigger and stronger can he get? He is a cinch number one pick, but the kid is playing for history. Will he be a Pat Ewing type (HOF, no titles), or a Kareem. No one knows that for sure, but we can't wait to find out.

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II
-- Spencer Hawes -- More skill at 18 than any seven footer we've ever seen. But heard the dread words "past knee surgery" last night regarding Hawes. Surely it was a minor scope preseason, but those 15 letters better give anyone the heebyjeebies. Other than health, this youngster certainly must get stronger, though not bigger. He is playing at a perfect weight right now, but just needs to put more muscle on his lengthy frame. Has more ways to score than any seven footer on the planet right now. *** (Did we just write that? Yes,) But becoming a big time pro is as much mental as physical when you've got the skill that Oden and Hawes possess. And it seems as these two have what it takes. Oden's maturity and sereneness, and Hawes bloodline and passion will take them a long way.

-- Darren Collison -- Watching his Bruins take down WState at Pauley, it occurred to us that this kid is the best pg in college right now. Who's better? Dominic James is more of an "Isiah" type to Collison's "John Stockton with jets". The 6-2 Collison is a blur with large hands, a great basketball body, long arms, good jumper that he can get off against pressure, and most of all, he plays with his head up 100% of the time. That's what point guards do; look to the other 4 guys. Collison is going to be scary good. The question is when.

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III
-- Kevin Durant -- Pretty funny comment we saw online about this 6-10 freshman recently: the next KG. Just because a kid is tall, black, and damn good, they always get compared to the all time great. Durant right now is a shooter. A shooter with a nice frame and no muscle. KG was dominating at the HS all star games with his passing and running at the same age. We have yet to see Durant do anything similar. Very talented, but let's not get carried away. The roadside is littered with tall, talented young men who could shoot over college kids. DerMarr Johnson, for example. Though Durant is still lottery bound.

-- Brandan Wright -- We actually like him better than Durant, but there's a lot of work to be done. Great frame and some muscle to go with it. Can shoot up to 18 feet consistently, though a slow release. Attacks the rim with or without the ball. Quiet by nature, it looks, though. How bad is he gonna want it? Very early in the season, but Wright is real talented. Could be good. Or not.

-- Dominic James -- As mentioned, this 5-11 rock is more "Isiah" than anything. We think that's good to a point, but it's not a positive sign for a young point to think of himself first. James can carry Marquette right now, but up in the league, he can't do the same. All the skills needed for a point guard. Jump shot from miles away, speed, strength, but, as opposed to Collison, seems to play with his head down, as though he has his mind up two seconds beforehand what he's going to do. Worlds of ability, a la a young Tim Hardaway. Lottery.

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IV
-- Al Horford -- Our favorite player on the Gators. Just wants to destroy folks. Nasty disposition on the court. Not a great shotblocker or floor runner like Noah, but does everything else better. We'd take him over Noah.

-- Joakim Noah -- Simply cannot shoot the damn basketball. That means he will never ever be a bigtime scorer. Think a more explosive PJ Brown or lankier, quicker Antonio Davis. Will be very very good with the right team, but just can't shoot. Great energy and supposed to be a real fun, charismatic type. Bet he'll be a blast on West Coast trips.

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Those are our favorite eight players likely to declare. Others worth mentioning...

-- Tyler Hansborough -- Love to watch this monster play, but no way he gets away with his game at the next level. Could be a decent to solid pro power forward, but he reminds us of another hyped Carolina big, Eric Montross, who couldn't get it done offensively in the NBA. So much fun to watch, and we will tune in anytime he plays on the tube. This is the high point of his playing career, as much as that hurts to type.

-- Chase Budinger -- Tom Chambers? Sorry, he's more Danny Vranes. That's still a complement. But Chambers was huge and killed people all over the floor. Budinger seems a glider type with terrific skill and athletic ability. Can he pass? Can he create off the dribble? Remains to be seen, but he shouldn't be taken higher than mid lottery.

-- Julian Wright -- Only seen him a bit and love his energy, but the dude is short. Not a 4. Too small to be a bigtime power forward.

-- Darrell Arther -- The best prospect on Kansas team. Can do everything a 6-10 player should. By the end of the season, folks should have a good idea how good he's going to be. Could be lottery bound by Madness time.

-- Josh McRoberts -- The hype over him drives us nuts. Makes three awesome plays a night, but disappears for long stretches. Intensity is what separates the stars from the rest in The League. He doesn't have that desire to play all out all the time. Whoever takes him better be prepared for heartache.

-- Thaddeus Young -- More Duane Ferrell or Michael Wright than anything. Heavily muscled: will be get any better than he is right now? Only about 6-7, and not great quickness. Wouldn't take him too early.

-- Brandon Rush -- More athletic than Kareem and shoots better than JaRon, but not someone we see being a great small forward. Seems to play a bit mechanically, not smoothly. Could be a miss.

-- Glen Davis -- Only about 6-8. Good, not great athlete. Simply overpowers people now. A backup in the NBA. But what a young man.

-- Aaron Gray -- Wouldn't touch this kid with a first rounder for anything. Attitude of entitlement to go along with absolutely no explosion. No shot, just beats up college kids. No way, no how. Second rounder, future backup center.

-- Paul Harris -- Just throwing his name out there, because no way is he close to as good as he can be. What an athlete, quiet leader, plays so damn hard. But is he a 1, 2 or even a 3? Rooting hard for Paul Harris.

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*** Ok, so you caught us. We screwed up. Kevin Garnett can score any way any how. We were on deadline.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Knight continues assault on record book...

Texas Tech was beaten last night by UNLV, thus adding to Coach Bob Knight's legacy of noteworthy coaching at the college level.

Knight is now even with the great Ray Meyer in career losses with 354, though Meyer vowed via medium that he would make every effort to reclaim 25th place.

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Not much else going on, really.

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All time losingest college coaches:
1) 524 -- Jim "Bowtie" Phelan
2) 518 -- Ed Messbarger
3) 486 -- Jerry Steele
4) 455 -- Jim Smith
5) 447 -- Big House Gaines
5) 447 -- Jerry Johnson
7) 445 -- Gene Bartow
8) 443 -- Marv Harshman
9) 429 -- Hugh Durham
10) 425 -- Jim Burson
11) 412 -- Lou Henson
12) 405 -- Bruce Webster
13) 399 -- Sam Moir
14) 394 -- The 'ol Lefthander
15) 393 -- Norm Sloan
15) 393 -- Slats Gill
17) 392 -- Tony Hinkle
18) 391 -- Tom Penders
19) 387 -- Dom Rosselli
20) 385 -- Gary Colson
21) 382 -- Ralph Miller
22) 374 -- Norm Stewart
22) 374 -- Harry Miller
24) 356 -- Davey Whitney
25) 354 -- Ray Meyer
25) 354 -- Bob Knight
27) 353 -- Don Haskins
27) 353 -- Gene Bartow
29) 352 -- Tom Smith
...
254 -- Dean Smith

We all know exactly what is going on here....

Those frauds over at FJM are at it again.

And we're not going to take any more of their shit.

Not this year. Not this time. Not from them or anyone else.

It was our apartment that started the "Fire Tony Kubek" chain letter back in the mid 1970's. But who got credit? Somebody else. That's who.

And who thought up the "Fire George Grande" fax that criss crossed the nation in the early '80's?

Us. And now, this...

FireJoeMorgan wins the coveted 2006 Richard Deitsch "Media Circus" award for best website devoted to ridiculing people.

What, we can't make fun of folks, too? What about the time we were all over Carl Monday for getting some kid caught whacking off locked up?

OK, bad example. But still, there's the time that we took cell phone footage of the "Bus Uncle" during our bi-annual trip to South Korea to purchase the latest in home cleaning robot technology. We even typed in the man's rant IN KOREAN for those of you not fluent in the language. Still, somebody else got the praise.

Enough, man. Enough.

We're tired and we're not gonna take too much of it anymore.

SI, send us one of your famous one-size-fits-all sweatshirts and all is forgiven.

Oh, and a commemorative "St. Louis Cardinals World Series Champs 2006" issue would be sweet, so Apt404 staff can include it with the other David Eckstein memorabilia gathered over the past five years. Cool.

The Apartment404 Post of Lists

The 'Pent List:
Robert Altman
Chris Mullin
Frank Sinatra
Wagner
Derek Sanderson
Jim Plunkett
Sophia Loren
Michael Richards, circa 2007

Wonderful books that might have been great were they shorter:
-- "Shut Out", by Howard Bryant - Second half reads like butter. First half not so much, though still essential Red Sox reading.
-- "I am Charlotte Simmons", by Tom Wolfe -- Mr. Wolfe caught a lot of flak for writing about a fictional character six decades younger and of a different gender than he, but #404 really had a good time with this one. Maybe a hundred pages too much, but well worth the trip.
-- "Oh the Glory of it All", by Sean Wilsey -- Please, please be more "The Glass Castle" than "Running with Scissors" or "The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things."
-- "The Naked and the Dead", by Norman Mailer -- Actually, now that we think about it, it really wasn't overlong. Makes sense that descriptions of those jungle marches were nearly unbearable in length. Ok, scratch that one.

How the major 1972-73 Boston Celtics (68-14) were acquired:
Don Chaney -- '68 first round
Dave Cowens -- '70 first round
Hank Finkel -- acquired from San Diego Rockets
John Havlicek -- '62 first round
Don Nelson -- released by Fakers, signed as free agent with C's
Paul Silas -- acquired from Suns for the rights to Charlie Scott, who hadn't played a minute for the C's to that point
Paul Westphal -- '72 first round
Jo Jo White -- '69 first round

Stupid Movies that make us smile
"Eight Legged Freaks"
"Clifford"
"Dodgeball"
"American Pie ONE"
"Rocky II"

Announced attendance for the last ten Bruins home games:
-- 11/18 - v Capitals - 16,837
-- 11/20 - v Panthers - 11,742
-- 11/24 - v Canes - 16,544
-- 11/30 - v Lightning - 11,150
-- 12/07 - v Leafs - 13,407
-- 12/09 - v Devils - 13,476
-- 12/14 - v Devils - 11,121
-- 12/16 - v Panthers - 10,965
-- 12/21 - v Canucks - 12,348
-- 12/23 - v les Habs - 17,565

Complete List of Celtics' Assistant Coaches for 2006-07:
Tony Brown -- Assistant to Head Coach
Dave Wohl -- Assistant to Head Coach
Armond Hill -- Assistant to Head Coach
Kevin Eastman -- Assistant to Head Coach
Clifford Ray -- Assistant to Head Coach
Bryan Doo -- Assistant to Head Coach in charge of Strength and Conditioning
Walter Norton -- Assistant to Head Coach for Strength and Conditioning

Complete List of Tom Heinsohn's assistants in 1972-73:
ol' what's his name... -- Assistant to Head Coach
Johnny Most -- Assistant to Head Coach in charge of Strength and Conditioning

Reasons why we'd rather not be in Philadelphia, sports wise.
Eagles -- 9W- 6L but no Donovan.
Flyers -- 8W -24L - 4 OT Ls -- Have dropped ten straight.
76ers -- 7W - 21L - Running their offense through Kyle Korver. 'Nuff said.
Phantoms of the AHL -- 12W - 18L - 1 OT L

Rejected Slogans for Apartment404:
-- "We get more done before 7 am, and less afterwards, than just about anyone."
-- "The 'Pent is going to take the nap."

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Say, who’s got trouble. We got trouble. How much trouble? Too much trouble.

404 -- We'd like to welcome Dr. Tony McAuliffe to the Apartment404 "Bench of Gentle Warmth." Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy day to speak with us, doctor.

Dr. M -- No problem at all, Mr. 'Pent. Glad to be of service. Hey, can I get splash of whole bean espresso before we begin?

404 -- Certainly. Hector...be a dear and run your wheelchair over to the Warren Avenue Starbucks to get the doctor his drink, por favor? Thanks, big kiss. All right then, let's get to the reason you're here in Apartment404, the ongoing fibromyalgia pandemic hitting greater Portland so hard lately. Just what is it about Portland in particular and Maine in general that causes so many folks to develop this disorder?

Dr. M -- Well, to be honest... I mean, to be perfectly frank. Um...we think possibly that maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the duality of man creating some sort of rip in the fabric of the universe, Mr. 'Pent. You know. Duality. The whole Jungian thing? It seems to have started years ago with that brothel down in Kittery being run right underneath the "Welcome to Maine: The way life should be" billboard on Route 1, big as life as you cross the bridge from New Hampshire. I mean, that's some weird ass shit right there. It would be surprising if that DIDN'T somehow fuck up our karma, our tao, our whole comfort zone.

404 -- Yeah. Scary stuff. Thank God the Kittery cops were all over that scene. Any other reasons for the massive disconnect here in Maine?

Dr. M -- Something that seems to have angered the gods is that tourist trap of a hot dog stand in Wiscasset that backs up traffic for 20 miles in either direction all summer. Just what in the hell is that all about? Who owns that place, Barbara Bush?

404 -- I don't know and that's an excellent question. Anyway, moving on, could you give our readers a list of typical fibromyalgia symptoms?

Dr. M -- First off, let's be clear. There is no test for this disorder. There is no reliable treatment. There's no cure. Basically, if you get it, you are royally fucked. And most in our profession doubt that it even exists. Also, it's always the wackos who get it. Like we give a shit about them, the fakers.

404 -- Shocking, doctor: medical professionals who doubt that the symptoms their patients describe in detail are actually causing discomfort. I wouldn't believe it if you hadn't just told me. Most of the nurses and doctors we meet, even one or two DO's, seem to really care in a big way.

Dr. M -- Well, the AMA now requires a 3 hour online course, run by the Actors Studio, to be taken by all potential MDs, in the hope that they fool some of their more slow witted patients into thinking they really give a flying fuck. The older, more experienced docs are Method Actors. They go with their instincts. Doesn't always work out, but when they fool someone, its breathtaking.

404 -- What a fantastic idea! Bedside manner by way of Lee Strausberg. Or Carl Weathers, whichever works best.

Dr. M -- OK, let's get to the symptoms to watch out for. The first thing that seems to hit folks is a widespread, chronic, knifing pain throughout the entire body. Similar to what one would experience while listening to Tim Brando and Dick Vitale broadcast a triple overtime college basketball game.

404 -- Man, that's whack. I do not want any part of that.

Dr. M -- Yeah, I know. The second symptom is a general overall fatigue which likely interferes with normal daily activities such as getting up and going to work, checking to see if your HornyMatches.com personal ad got any replies while pretending to work, leaving work 30 minutes early on "work related business", cooking meals, doing the wash, and bitching about the Red Sox.

404 -- Wow. Now we're getting scared. We have that!

Dr M -- Another symptom occurring with great frequency is difficulty sleeping. Problems falling asleep, reaching REM state for any length of time, even staying asleep for more than a couple of hours at a stretch.

404 -- So what you're suggesting is a heavy dose of ABC Thursday nights. Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy is some really boring television.

Dr. M -- Right. And if that doesn't work, try to watch a bit of Leno. That is sure to knock your ass out.

404 -- OK. Please continue.

Dr. M -- Other notable symptoms are morning stiffness, headaches, difficulty remembering things, depression, and even irritable bowel syndrome.

404 -- IBS? That's a bitch, ain't it Doc? What can someone with IBS do to ease the pain?

Dr. M -- Well, the AMA is recommending that patients who suffer from bowel problems purchase an industrial strength toilet. Something like the Commando 451 model used by so many professional sports teams. The New England Patriots, for example, have six installed down in Foxboro. I mean, have you ever taken a look at Matt Light and Dan Koppen? The possibilities are simply frightening. But with the Commando...well...you're almost glad you have IBS.

404 -- That's an image we'll have imprinted on our brains for quite some time, doctor. Thanks.

Dr. M -- But not everyone has the $6,000 to buy a Commando 451. For those on a budget, the Fischer Cat XXXL bowl is available for around 250 bucks, installation extra. But I don't recommend that particular toilet. We in the medical field think that if you're not serious about good bowel movements, then the Fischer Cat is one way to go, but really, the Commando is the Harley Davidson of bathroom equipment. Spend the money, because you only go around once, right?

404 -- What other tips can you give those suffering with fibromyalgia?

Dr. M -- One thing your readers might want to consider is being as nice to other people as is humanly possible. Really, they should become doormats. Think David Caruso in "Rambo I." Man, what a pussy he was in that picture.

404 -- Yeah. Between Richard Crenna's overacting and Caruso that was a tough one to sit through. Stallone was good though.

Dr. M -- Yeah, he was. Anyway, some other suggested treatments include physical therapy, injections of a mild anesthetic to numb the pain trigger points, relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and meditation, chiropractic manipulation of the spinal column... Oh hell. Who am I kidding? Those are just a bunch of expensive, useless moneymakers. We really don't know what to do with these fucking nut jobs. They should just give up, while we work on really important issues of the day such as erectile dysfunction, tummy tucks, pectoral implants, and rigged drug tests.

404 -- So you'd rather develop another boner pill than help people suffering from mysterious yet chronic pain and fatigue, which likely prevents them from living any kind of normal life?

Dr. M -- Well, we'd like to help them. But since folks who have fibromyalgia tend to be poor, well, there's just no money in it. Investment bankers who can't get it up, that's where the cash is. Follow the money, as they say in medical school.

404 -- Thanks for your honesty, doctor. It's refreshing to hear such a bold statement from a licensed physician.

Dr. M -- Actually, 'Pent, I'm not currently board certified in any state. At my last position over in New Hampshire I told quite a few of my less attractive single female patients that they had better lose a few pounds or they'd wind up marrying a Republican.

404 -- Yuck. How could you be so cruel?

Dr. M -- I call 'em as I see 'em, Mr. 404. Now where the hell is my espresso? Can a docta get some espresso 'round here?

404 -- Sorry, but that's all the time we have for today. Gotta go out and look for work. Or maybe catch a movie. Hmmmm. Yeah, we'll catch a movie and work on the Apartment404 resume tonight. Or tomorrow morning. Definately. Thursday mid morning we're gonna crank out a tight resume to mail out. We'll certainly be finished by the afternoon on thursday. Hopefully. Take care doc. Do you need change for the bus?

Dr. M -- All set there, 'Pent. Take care.

404 -- Bye, doc.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The "European Monarchy" Syndrome and First Dates

Mercy, it's fine and dandy that you've chosen to apply for a first date with I, Ms. Libby Waxner-Szabo. Thanks so very much for your interest. But before we make arrangements for you to buy me a massively overpriced dinner, there's a few questions I need you to answer:

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1) Have you ever dated a relative of ours? By that, I mean have you ever dated a human being, born on the planet Earth, in your life? If so, select from the following list the main reason you are not currently dating this person(s), as well as listing your personal faults and hangups that contributed to the breakup. Which was obviously your fault entirely. --

a) Small penis.
b) Wouldn't put seat down. And the splashing, too.
c) Looked woman in the eyes, which really creeped her out.
d) Liked listening to Coldplay.
e) Her friends all thought you were weird.

List flaws here:
__________________ ________________ _________________
__________________ ________________ ________________
__________________ ________________ ________________
__________________ ________________ _________________

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2) How much money do you make per annum? --

a) Less than $100,000 -- If so, please throw this application and yourself in the nearest trash can, you fucking waste of a life.
b) Between $101,000 and $500,000 -- Yours will be put into the "possibilities" folder.
c) More than $500,000 but less than David Letterman makes -- Pretty good, but you're not really trying, are you?
d) Leno territory -- Jackpot! Bring the Magnums.

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3) How many times per visit can you perform the sexy act? --

a) Less than 3 -- Sorry, geek, but you are outta here. Keep practicing.
b) Between 4 and 7 -- Mmmmmm. Getting warm.
c) More than 7 -- Look for our phone number on numerous craigslist posts, Mr. Hot Stuff!
d) Can't count that high. We have a multitaneous orgasmic penis, which allows for an infinite number of orgasms over a period of five or so hours. And yes, you're welcome. In advance. -- Come on down and let's get to work!

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4) When you stopped dating our sister/cousin/niece/daughter/mother/divorce lawyer recently, did she: --

a) File a restraining order on your ass?
b) Charge that sweet Nicole Miller dress she wanted to your AmEx?
c) Slash the tires on your '97 Bronco 4X4?
d) Give you the finger? And not in a nice way.
e) Kill your pet fish?

If not, why not.

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5) When we contact our sister/cousin/niece/daughter/mother/divorce lawyer, what is the total number of sexual inadequacies she'll describe in detail concerning you and your dick? --

a) More than 15 -- Show's over. Tear this fucker up and go to myspace.com, asshole. And watch out for any Dateline NBC reporters.
b) Between 12 and 14 -- Exactly WHAT were these flaws? And will I still be able to obtain orgasm (with help of big black vibrating dildo, presumedly)?
c) Around 8 -- Pretty good, but that still leaves a lot of ground for me to ridicule you about. Thankfully.
d) Less than 5 -- You. Are. A. Fucking. Stud. Let's get it on!

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6) True/False question -- Do you have any Aimee Mann songs on that "Good Stuff" Playlist in your iPod?

True -- Leave now and forget you ever saw this list of questions.
False -- Keep going, Mr. Potentially Heterosexual Dating Material.

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7) Why do you hate your parents so much?

a) Because my father was a drunk and my mother a narcissistic nut job who left me in the care of a stool inspecting family of child molesters. Oh wait, I'm saving that for my novel. I mean autobiography.
b) Because I'm Catholic.
c) Because I'm Jewish.
d) I don't hate them. I actually admire and like them very much. They are great people who should be role models for any and all parents.

(Should you pick d, go back to listening to your Coldplay and George Michael and watching the Animal Planet channel, and leave us alone.)

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8) What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?

a) Coors Light. -- Heil, my fuhrer!
b) Mike's Lemonade. Any flavor. -- Fuck off, you poser.
c) Pure grain alchohol. Through a straw. -- Awesome. We'll send the ambulance over to transport you to the Waxner-Szabo estate, straightaway.
d) Whiskey Sour. -- See b.

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9) Highest education level attained?

a) MD -- UMass College of Medicine? Or better?
b) DO -- New England College of Medicine? Or better?
c) DS -- UConn Dental? Or better?
d) PA -- Give it up, chuck, and head to the local senior high school, where your intellect can be appreciated.

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10) True/False: Do you like to watch?

True -- Grab the camcorder and let 'er rip, Big Fella!
False -- Grab a whip and dive in, Big Fella!

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Fail? -- Go hit the nearest Applebees bar (Now conveniently located in Biddeford, Portland, South Portland, and North Windham). Maybe you'll have better luck there.

Pass? -- Take two "Mother fucker's little helpers" and contact us immediately, you glowing bunch of manparts, you!

(BTW, passing or failing is entirely up to the discrertion of Ms. Waxner-Szabo in her "not-quite-that-time-of-the-month-yet" periods of coherency.)

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Have no fear, potential dates, for tomorrow brings blue, blue skies.

If you ask me.

Which you didn't.

Monday, December 25, 2006

G'BYE to the GFOS...

...and thank you.

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Watching 1996's "When We Were Kings" this evening (Boxing Day Eve for Canadians, Aussies, and Brits) we recalled hearing one of our favorite cousins tell a story about his Sports Car Club of America racing days a few years back.

M described screaming into a turn, running side by side with a competitor, trying to somehow gain an edge. In auto racing it's often the turns that decide winning and losing, since straightaways rely on horsepower, of which most cars posses roughly equal amounts. A better driver will make up ground and even pass lessers while navigating the dangerous yet inviting hairpin corners found on any oval racetrack. M told us that he vowed "not to brake first' because whoever hit their brakes first would be passed by the other, thus losing ground and precious quarter seconds.

We didn't ask M, but couldn't help but obsess about the thought that, "What if the other guy doesn't want to brake first, either? What if both drivers are willing to wait out the other?"

What then?

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An Apartment404 reminiscence over M's story, combined with the passing of legendary soul singer James Brown, led us to take another look at our "When We Were Kings" DVD, Leon Gast's spectacular 22 years in the making documentary of the famed "Rumble in the Jungle" bout between George Foreman and Muhammad Ali in Mobuto's Zaire, 1974.

"Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier" Foreman had intimidated the entire boxing world with his demolition of champ Joe Frazier prior to the matchup with Ali.

Ali was now 32, his prime years taken by the Vietnam War and his opposition of. He's noticeably slower of speech, though he would continue fighting for another seven long years.

The fight was, to put it mildly, a big deal. Seemingly every American cultural figure of significance had something to say about the meeting, scheduled to take place deep within the African continent in, originally, September. Gast's film features writers George Plimpton and Norman Mailer recalling their impressions of events leading up to the night of the fight, and of the bout itself.

James Brown is shown at Don King's side during a press conference, looking highly uncomfortable. Other cultural figures are shown attempting to bask in the fighters reflected glory.

Watching clips of the bout itself is both awe-inspiring and heartbreaking, given what we know about the great Ali and his future physical woes. The man, really both men, simply would not "brake first." Ali, as do all professional athletes involved in violent sports, knew that he might possibly die that night in striving to prove himself the better man.

And Ali left large pieces of himself in the soccer stadium in Kinshasa that night.

The "rope-a-dope" a strategy? A well planned way to beat the unbeatable slugger? Please. Ali was willing to die for a piece of the title, and did something he may not have even considered prior to the fight. Taking punches on the ropes for five rounds was a spur of the moment gamble by a man willing to do whatever it took to win.

Following the knockout, a massive early morning rain swept through the capital, as if to wipe away the fighters blood and sweat spilled that evening. But thanks to director Gast, there remains something permanent and telling of what might be the most significant boxing event of all.

---------------------------------------------

This may be piling on, but here's the "Pent's take on the two fighters involved.
Both great. Both historical champions:

Foreman <---- IQ ----- Ali
Foreman --- Heart ----> Ali
Foreman <--- '06 Net Worth --- Ali
Foreman --- Legend/Legacy ---> Ali

Foreman has a "grill."
Ali is the "GOAT."

Heiligabend DVD Triple Header

DVD's were invented so that obsessive movie freaks like the inhabitants of Apartment404 could decipher the most important lines in our favorite films. Lines usually whispered and difficult to hear the first time through.

Three examples --
"Let's go." ("Cuckoo's Nest")
"Time is luck." "This was too good to last." ("Miami Vice")
"I'm not an artist. Let's get married." ("Bullets Over Broadway")

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1) Michael Mann's sprawling "Miami Vice" -

This one is so good they should make a television series out of it. Or something like that.

"Vice" is the most underrated film of the year, maybe in several years. $135 million art films don't come around every day, and this one unsurprisingly lasted about a day and a month in theaters (US box office $63m). Audiences probably weren't willing to:
1) Pay strict attention to complex characters who provide no laugh lines, and stick with a challenging viewing experience lasting over two hours. Should you make the effort, you'll be rewarded, as this is not a film to experience between trips to the refreshment stand. Ya gotta pay attention.
2) Drink in Mann's wonderful infatuation with color, faces, and detail. The "asses in the seats" were probably looking for more "boom boom... bang bang" and straightforward, easily digestable dialogue for their ten bucks. What they got was a different animal altogether.

Director Mann's last two releases, a reverential though slightly timid "Ali", and the Tom Cruise vehicle "Collateral", were not vintage Mann. For that, one has to go back to 1999's "The Insider", with its seven Oscar nominations. "Insider" is a work both larger and smaller than "Vice." Larger because Mann took on both Big Tobacco and Big Media. Smaller due to the lack of large scale action scenes, long a staple for him.

For us, "Miami Vice" is great because Colin Ferrell's Sonny Crockett keeps us guessing. It's great because director Mann was concerned with, for example, (according to the DVD extras) a tired and worn green hotel room shower head, though it didn't appear in the final version. It's great because the British actress Naomie Harris' accent combines New Yawkese with a strange, quirky lisp. And it's great because, with all the attention to detail both big and small, "Vice" looks and feels like a hundred million dollar movie should. Every penny spent shows up onscreen. Unlike, say, "Spiderman", whose cheesy effects left Apt404 staff cold and a bit bored.

Catch "Miami Vice." It's worth a first look.

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2) Lessons to be learned from our hundredth (roughly) viewing of "Casablanca" -

100? Or thereabouts? Yes, because we're a bit slow here in the old 'Pent. Takes a few dozen shots to the head for us to unner-stand anything. Must be the asbestos paint in our walk in closet.

Anyway...

-- THERE ARE GAYS IN HOLLYWOOD! AND ALWAYS WERE.
Captain Renault has an obvious sexual attraction to Rick. Though he mentions blondes and other babes once or twice, Renault is never shown with a woman on his arm. He has eyes only for Bogart's laconic, sexy saloonkeeper. How sweet. Their "friendship" is a wonderful example of the back door method Golden Age movies used to insert into film what America was not ready to confront directly. Until the '70's there simply were no mainstream gay characters up on the silver screen. Just didn't happen. But the unforgettable Vichy policeman/scoundrel presents us with a sympathetic, likeable, and strong man. Who happens to be gay. Rick; "(He's) just like any man, only more so." Cool.

-- Don't tell them/him/her/us. Show them/him/her/us. As always.
Most every line coming out of Rick's mouth during the first three quarters of "Casablanca" means the opposite of its literal definition. His actions, such as letting the young couple win enough cash gambling to emigrate, or allowing "le Marseillaise" to be sung in opposition to the grating German drinking song, show us more than words what type of man Rick is.

-- Many of the great Hollywood films from the Golden Age of Moviemaking were the lucky result of the sheer volume of material being produced each month.
Sort of a "monkeys in a room with a typewriter --> Shakespeare, inevitably." thing. The screenwriting Epsteins wrote frequently, as did countless others. There were scores of movies released each weekend for 1930's and 1940's America to consume, then embrace or reject. Back then there were no blockbusters which, if failures at the box office, might wreck a studio. No bloated "Heaven's Gate"s or "Waterworld"s. Budgets and shooting schedules were tight. Sometimes magic happened.

"Casablanca" is living proof six and a half decades after the fact.

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3) "Bullets Over Broadway" -

Dianne Wiest was justly rewarded with an Oscar for her portrayal of the Norma Desmond-ish star, Helen Sinclair. But in addition, it's hard to think of a period comedy having a funnier, wittier script that has a better cast, all of whom are here in top form.

Released in 1994, this is the best film Woody Allen made since '85's "The Purple Rose of Cairo." And ranks with his greatest "funny ones", which means that "Bullets" is one of the best comedies ever assembled.

Movies that get better through a second or third viewing are a rarity. This is one. It's quite easy fun to fall into a game of "Six Degrees of Billy Wilder" in trying to spot the dozens and dozens of loving references to prior films, as well as scenes, shots, and lines used by future writers and directors in their own stuff. Is the stairway descending Helen Sinclair the inspiration for Christopher Guest's Corky St. Clair of "Waiting for Guffman" fame? Very likely. Does John Cusack do the best Woody impression in a Woody film? Or do Kenneth Branaugh and Will Ferrell measure up, as well? Was Jim Broadbent's starving Warner Purcell doing a Coppola/Brando/"Apocolype" takeoff? Good questions.

Great stuff.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

We didn't know. They didn't know. You didn't know, either.

The Maine Division of Dead Children, Dead Youth, and Psychotically Dysfunctional Family Services has been inundated with Dora the Explorer dolls, various stuffed animals, Megabucks tickets, Skechers and myrrh during the past week following the mass of publicity concerning the beating, rape, torture, and dismemberment of little Betty Shepard by her fairy godmother on December 12 in Springfield.

A Mr. Scott Simon, spokesman for the MDODCDYAEDFS, told media that, "We're certainly happy to be involved in getting the gifts to the corpse. And hoping it has a very Merry Christmas, Hannakhah, or Kwanzaa. Whichever holiday the corpse prefers to celebrate. We're going to be extremely active in making sure that this dead child stays safe and has a good opportunity to experience a healthy and happy burial."

Ms. Shepard, whose roots were in Nashua, N.H but whose family travelled the nation for much of her youth, had lived with her fairy godmother in the same apartment on the same street in the same city for the past several years. In the two weeks prior to her murder and dismemberment neighbors called the local police anonymously to ask that something, anything be done for the poor child.

-----------------------------------------

Following statewide publicity over the beating, rape, torture, and dismemberment of young Ms. Shepard, expressions of grief and outrage have been received from every corner of the state:

The Springfield town council unanimously endorsed a resolution making it illegal to beat, rape, torture, and dismember a child within the township's defined legal boundaries. And sent flowers to the funeral home where Ms. Shepard is located now.

The state legislature is calling for the deportation of any unlicensed fairy godmothers living in Maine without proper identification.

Places of worship throughout the greater Springfield area are asking their congregations to declare this Monday a day of prayer and worship, in remembrance.

The local affiliate for UBS network plans to air a three hour special next week entitled, "Maine's Most Wanted: Who could have done such a thing? Was it (photo here) this guy? Or (photo here) this loser? Or maybe this (photo) weirdo? Huh?" The station has announced that all advertising spots have been sold out.

National cable outlet "The Learning Channel" is planning a special about the murder of young Ms. Shepard. They are using a working title of "How could this happen in America?"

Bloggers nationwide have requested recent photos of the dead girl from the Shepard family. They're also calling for the execution of the fairy godmother because she is a, quote, "massive bitch", and "ugly dyke."

Maine's Congressional delegation could not be reached for comment.

Hank's Rumors: Is Mark Cuban really interested in buying out Jeremy Jacobs?

BOSTON and DALLAS (December 23, 2006) — The Apartment404 Online Journal (found at Apt404Journal.com) has been informed by sources within the NHL leaue office that high level discussions are taking place between Buffalo, N.Y. based businessman Jeremy Jacobs, chief executive of Delaware North Corp., and Mark Cuban, internet billionaire and current owner of the NBA's highly successful Dallas Mavericks.

No further details available at this time.

Mr. Jacobs purchased the Bruins, one of the NHL's "Original Six" franchises, in 1975 for $10 million. Under Jacobs ownership the Bruins have reached the Stanley Cup Finals four times.

Mr. Cuban bought a majority interest in the Mavericks in 2000 for $285 million. In the following six years the team's record has been 340-152, by far the most successful period for the club.

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Friday, December 22, 2006

To all the blogs we've loved before, who've travelled in and out our doors.

PresidentBushIsAfraidOfHorses.blogspot.com will be shutting down over the pre Birth of Christ weekend. That would be this weekend.

Due to general apathy over the vital issue of just when the President became fearful of horses, who knew it, and why they didn't inform the American people, we will undertake a line by line deconstruction of the code for "PBIAOH" in order to remove it from the internet.

And we didn't even get to give away the hundred bucks.


December 22, 2006.

HS
Apartment404
Portland, ME

Words that when strung together give us pleasure

I) "Don't tell us. Show us."

--- During Sunday's Patriots broadcast, color analyst Rich Gannon mentioned that in 2000, sixth rounder Tom Brady informed owner Robert Kraft that he wouldn't regret the pick. Gannon tried to make this exchange seem unique, but we bet half the kids getting selected find the courage to inform management that they'll "win one for the flipper/eagle/cow. boy./etc." But Brady made it happen. Don't get caught up in telling, get lost in the doing.

[ Tangent Alert -- That's why we here at Portland 'Pent never ever watch pregame crap for any sporting event. That's where they stick the Michael Irvin's of the broadcasting world. And Clark Kellogg, too, the best college basketball color man going, we say. Clark, please get your ass out of the studio during this year's Madness. You are the best, and we'd love for you to squeal with delight come this March when, say, Greg Oden dunks on some dude's head six times. Can't be done from a studio. ]

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II) "Good writing must be painful."

--- No blood, no scoop. No blood, no prize. Or something like that.

Sorry, kids. But that's the way it is.

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III) "Reading is not work. It's pleasure. Or should be."

Never use any extra words, letters or punctuation when you're trying to make something understood. It hurts our freaking brains when we read big words that mean nothing.

And that goes for all forms of communication: "Montana. Rice. Touchdown." Three sentences, one word apiece. That was spoken, not written, but remains imbedded in our memories.

"I want to read all the great short novels." [ from the real "Kicking and Screaming" ]
"Hello?" [ "The Ref" ]
"That should be (long pause) fascinating." [ "Ref", again. ]

Nine words. One word. Four words. All funny. All gold.

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IV) "We've met the enemy. And it is u.s."

Walt Kelly's "Pogo" is in a class of its own among comic strips due to its groundbreaking nature. The above line is quoted endlessly, sometimes by people who even understand it. But with President Bush asking Congress for more troops to go fight and die in Iraq, adding one period to the line seems about right.

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V) "Less is more. More is less."

The first book in Norman Mailer's 1979 classic "The Executioner's Song" may be the finest writing we know of. Not an extra sentence, word, or semicolon. "Song" ran 1,072 pages, but if Mailer had stopped and gone with the first half he might have achieved the elusive "Great American Novel" through his retelling of Gary Gilmore's wrenching story. He put in the second book, about the events leading to Gilmore's execution, and that sullied things, though "Song" is still historic. Mailer should have learned his lesson, as we hate to even mention "Harlot's Ghost" (1,400 pages) and "Ancient Evenings" (709 pages).

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VI) "Just what in the hell is going on here?"

"60 Minutes" is killing us. Just killing us. Just not gettin' r done anymore.

The "drug that makes you forget your life" story by Leslie Stahl a few weeks back was terrible.

The Ultimate Fighting Championship piece last week was total garbage. Did anyone think to ask where the millions of fans for these bloodbaths come from? The fighters, they come from poor towns with no jobs and no future. We know that. But where do the hordes of knuckle dragging, mouth breathing morons who pay $40 bucks a pop on PPV come from? To Apt404, that's the more important question.

And this week's show... well...not good, guys. Not good. Larry the Basic Cable Guy as the King of Comedy? Are you fucking kidding us? No problem with the guy's popularity and income. Hey, Dice Clay was big for three months, too.

But did you have to blow him? "King of Comedy?" Does anyone at CBS have a DVD player? Have they ever heard of Scorcese?

"The Blue Collar Guys, comedy's answer to the Beatles." What? What? What? We're then told by Dan Simon that the Cable Guy is going to release a film called "Delta Farce" soon, about some U.S. soldiers who somehow confuse a bunch of Mexicans with Iraqi insurgents. Are you fucking kidding us? You didn't think to ask that maybe, just maybe, this was pretty obnoxious and unseemly?

Also this week, Scott Pelley went to Switzerland to do a piece on the newly opened Holocaust archives. And came up with some of the most jawdroppingly awful lines we've ever heard:
-- "It must have been tiring just to write this, let alone kill them all." -- About the Germans meticulous record keeping. Hey asshole: they're Nazis. And if you allow those words to come out of your mouth without some sort of self censor alarm going off, for shame. That's just a weird thing to say.
-- "I'm curious. Why did the Nazis keep all these records?" -- What? What? They were Nazis. They tried to exterminate entire classes of people. You are trying to reason with a nation's insanity? Can't be done. Remember it, but you don't have to decipher the Holocaust. Wow. Those basic elements of fear, hatred for all that which is different, anti-semitism, the corrupting influence of authority, the power of the big lie; all remain in place today. Don't try to kid anyone that Hitler acted alone or that the same thing isn't happening today in places with fewer Anglo-Saxons. Open your eyes.
-- "In a sense, it's yours." -- Pelley presenting a camp record to a survivor. He should have shoved it up your ass. How indelicate can a reporter be? They'll be showing film of this piece for decades on how not to get the real story....

Because Pelley never asked the Swiss International Tracing Service, which held on to these artifacts for decades, just why it is that the archives are being opened now.

Why now, Scott? You never asked anyone in authority the question. Terrible.

--------------------------------------------

VII) "The Year In Sports issue of SI is here!"

You can have your egg nog. Your tinsel. Your caroling. What we here in #404 look forward to in late December is SI's Steve Rush... Steve Rushing. Steve Russing. Steve.... Wait. Don't speak! We'll get there. Steve... Steve Rush-in! Steve Rush-in? Whatever. This tall man from Minnesota's collection of funny/strange/telling items culled from the past twelve month's news headlines is, as always, priceless. And makes ya think, too.

Every year. Like a Walter Jones holdout and January trip to the Pro Bowl, Steve R. always plays this one perfect.

Thanks.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Sports Spotlight -- Apt404's first glimpse of young Spencer Hawes.

Hawes, the heralded seven foot freshman big man for U-Dub up in Seattle, torched one of our favorites, Big Baby Davis, and LSU last night. Wow.

Hawes, if healthy and progressing like he should through the season, will be the second pick in this June's NBA Draft, behind Mr. Oden.

Mark it down.

Hawes has that much going for him. The freshman with the great bloodline has Pistol Pete's build (not so good, but it didn't stop Maravich from performing magic on the court) and a simply unstoppable offensive game. Perfect form from up to twenty five feet. Can move while staying under control. Can shoot with either hand in close. On defense, the kid does not overdo anything, isn't leaping through the roof on every upfake, plays solid and heady. Just a great awareness for the game, as he lets things come to him at either end of the court.

Hawes appears to have all the physical skills, and with the thousands of hours it took him to perfect those post moves and jumpshots, he looks like the real deal both in terms of tools and desire. Kind of a Nowitzki type, but maybe even more aggressive in taking it to the hoop instead of settling for the jumper.

And his on court attitude appears to be just right. We saw him talking trash to the LSU guys; good trash talk in fun and without malice. Just enjoying himself, the game, the fans, just the whole damn thing. Cool.

Abrasive cocky is bad (think Aaron Gray of Pitt, for example), but fun, playful cocky is good.

That's Hawes. Here's what he said after the game about the matchup with the large and luvable Glen Davis: "Man, games like that are so much fun. That's why you sign up to do this. I mean, if I'm correct, Davis was a first-team All-American. These are the matchups you live for." Did you see what he did? Did you see what he did there? That was so cool. No "I'm great, this is my team." Just playfully pointing out that, yes, he can play, and yes, he had a ball.

Hawes shows a real joy of the game. The "Beautiful Game." Awesome.

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In contrast, tonight on ESPN2 fifth year Pittsburgh senior big man Aaron Gray put HIMSELF on his own 1st team A-A squad prior to the Ok State - Pitt tipoff.

You gotta be kidding us, Aaron. Sorry, but a Patrick O'Bryant flamed you last year in the Dance, and he hasn't scored a point yet for the Warriors.

It's great that Gray blew up last year, and that the hard work paid off. But get real, Aaron. There's a hundred guys on this planet who can do what you do.

And there aren't ten young players alive who can do the things that we saw young Hawes do last night.

Not to jinx the kid, and it's only one game, but we here like to go with our gut and our eyeballs. Both were poppin' and we can't wait to see what happens next for Spencer Hawes.

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Oh yeah.

Washington has got to be THE dark horse to win it all. Young team, but they have some real players. Some nasty ones. Probably won't lose a game at home the rest of the season, as so often happens with young college teams, but if they get hot, with all those scorers and athletes, we can see them winning six straight in March.

Right back at ya, brother.

FindKellyDwyerSomeTalent.blogspot.com is now open for business.

Thanks, Kelly.

You are so beautiful to us here in Apartment404.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Longtime NBA maxim: Any road win is a good win, and any home loss is a bad loss.

That's why tonight's Celtics 96-95 loss to Golden State at the (new) Garden hurts bad.

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Why worry about a December NBA game between two clubs owning a combined record of 22-27?

Well, we'll tell ya....

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-- Because "Shooter's Bounce" Don Nelson was back in town with his overachieving band of kids who had won twelve going in with the talent for about six. The man can coach the damn game. Glad you never went with the whole ref thing, Don. They sucked tonight, for what it's worth.

-- Because we breathlessly await how bad "Tony" (Eason) Telfair plays before Danny Ainge and Coach Rivers bench him permanently for the energetic Delonte and Rajon. Telfair's confidence must be completely shot, and will NOT be helped by getting torched at both ends by strong NBA point guards like Baron Davis, a man playing against a boy if there ever was such a matchup. Bassy is certainly savvy enough to know he ain't getting it done. Thinking too much? Probably, but who knows. He is simply killing the club when he's out there. Rajon in his few moments and Delonte in his minutes made some good things happen, but the game was lost in the 29-19 second quarter when "Tony" did absolutely zilch. He is, as the Suns say (per Jack McCallum's "7 Seconds to Shoot"), a "ball stopper" at this point in his career. You simply cannot have a ball stopper at the point and win.

-- Because the progress of Al Jefferson is exciting to watch. With all the injuries to other Boston big men, Big Al is getting his chance and doing lots with it. The young fella can score in the paint. Shotblocking? Well that's another subject. Maybe an assistant could should young Al some film of BC's similarly sized Sean Williams, who knows that an interior on the ball defender must react, not act, on a post man's moves. Shotblockers do not jump first, Al, god damn it. They just don't jump first.

-- Because the 'Pent is wondering if #9 is cursed. That's Rajon Rondo's assigned number this season. Other recent owners have been the forgettable Doug Overton, Milt Palacio, J.R. Bremer, and Justin Reed. And it doesn't get any more memorable the further back in C's history you look. What gives? Jo Jo put #10 in the rafters and #8 belonged to Antoine in his time in Boston. Why does #9 have such a crappy legacy?

-- Because the brief shot of a bored, sleepy 20-something woman yawning during a break while there were three and a half minutes left in a three possession game had us laughing and crying. Crying and laughing. What was the poor woman thinking about? Possibly....
a) Where's "Lucky"?
b) When do they shoot us with the t-shirts again?
c) Wally is sooooo hot!
d) I could be watching "Bones" right now.

Laughing and crying. Crying and laughing.

-- Because the staff of Apartment404 wants to know just why the fuck Danny and Wyc Y. have not signed a big man to a 10 Day Contract? What the hell is going on down there? A 4 or 5 spot defender like maybe Matt Haryasz or Kevin Pinkney could have made the difference tonight. Candy Man told media that it "hurts when I rebound, defend, and run", or something like that. Wow, Michael. Can you still shoot that fadeaway jump hook from 15 feet without pain? As for the five wins in a row prior to tonight; please. Four Eastern Conference wins over crappy to middling teams, plus a good home W over Denver do not a contender make.

-- Because the final seconds of the game showed what is wrong with Doc Rivers' coaching. Paul Pierce got the ball with about a dozen seconds left and was swarmed by Warriors. What did his teammates do? Two of them spotted up for 3's, though the C's were down one point. And the other two remained stationary and asked politely for the ball. That just can't happen in a last shot situation. McCallum's fine "7 Seconds" describes Suns Coach Mike D'Antoni calling for "dives" to the basket at all times and in all situations. The C's need some of that. What we saw were four guys asking nicely for the ball when they should have cut and demanded the damn ball. Paul needed help and got none. That's a bad offense. The same thing happened to Rivers down in Orlando, when his players started to question the man's ability to X and O.

Right now, we need some O. Most definitely, some O.

And a fucking 10-Day deal for a big body. Does Darren Morningstar have any 6-10 nephews or cousins who are of age?

WWFJM do?

FireKellyDwyer.blogspot.com is now open for business.

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From Kelly Dwyer's column on SI.com, 12/20/06 --

"Can we end this ... now? Are we really so reverent toward a sport that we have to spend weeks hemming and hawing over the supposed classless ingrates who dared defile a (really crummy) professional basketball game at Madison Square Garden last Saturday night?

Sorry, Kelly, but anytime UNC guys get to kick the shit out of the truly amazing Isiah, then we're interested. Karl was probably pretty happy that the Nuggets were up 20 with less than two minutes to play (who wouldn't be?). And Isiah was not, which is what led to the brawl, most likely.

Yes, some overhyped, overpaid athletes...

If we ever hear the trite, tired expression "overhyped (and) overpaid athletes" from you or anyone else ever again, we're gonna go Gibson on somebody's ass. Get out a fucking thesaurus, Mr. Dwyer. You're employed by Sports Illustrated. OK, the online version. But still, you work at SI(.com). The most important and most influential mag about the games we love that there has ever been. Get with the program, or Robert Creamer is gonna' kick your ass!

...full of bluster and bravado let things get out of hand, spurred on by two coaches and a sporting climate that led them to believe that this particular Nuggets-Knicks game was the most profound happening within their own green world. Worse, the subsequent bouts of overwrought attention will likely turn a Jazz-Kings matchup in January 2009 (the next fight, because they seem to happen every 2,400 games or so) into the latest indication of David Stern's millionaires gone wild.

Just. What. In. The. Heck. Are. You. Talking about, Mr. Professional Interviewer and Writer Abouter of said "classless ingrates?" Johnny Paycheck wouldn't take that shit, but you, you DO.

Yeesh. Can't we get over ourselves? Can't we react the same way that, I don't know, baseball reacts during the half-dozen bench-clearing brawls it sees a year? Should we be expecting this much from these players when we constantly remind them and delude them into thinking that playing a game for our amusement means so bloody much?

"Yeesh?" Yeesh? Did ya hafta use spellcheck on that crap, Kelly? And you are dead wrong about baseball brawls not being a big deal, especially with all the 'roids and such. No more Starvin' Marvins out there. Now, we got some Big Macs and Big Units and Big Hurts ready to tear each others heads off, though the greenies and such have been tapered off supposedly. At least not put out as a pre game snack. Which means that Lenny Dykstra would probably play and fight more like "paper clip" than "Nails" if he were still around.

Some of these guys eat cheeseburgers before games. They affix bracelets to the wrists on their shooting arms. They get tattoos on their shooting wrists! Mike Miller is in Memphis right now wearing a 12-year-old girl's headband, Marko Jaric can't put his jersey on the right way, and Etan Thomas just wrote some more poetry. These guys aren't thugs; they're eccentric millionaires. Thugs throw better punches. Thugs don't commit backcourt violations after slapping someone.

Who said they were all thugs? Did you say they were thugs? Who called them all thugs? Must have been Old School Media such as yourself, Kelly. And Etan Thomas, simply because he has cornrows probably doesn't claim to be any fucking "thug." Have you ever read his poetry? Do you know anything about Etan Thomas and what he does off the court? He's supposed to be pretty damn cool, from what we read in the..... Well, from what folks say, anyway. Yet since he wears 'rows, you assume the dude takes a gangsta' pose. Well, he doesn't. Wake the fuck up.

(While we're at it, first Allen Iverson, then Carmelo Anthony ... when will "The Curse of the NBA's Leading Scorer Doing Stupid Things" cease? Good thing we have the mellow-as-Michael McDonald Gilbert Arenas -- third in scoring, at 29.1 points a game -- to keep things chill and end the streak.)

It's not "mellow-as-Michael McDonald." It's "annoying-as-Michael McDonald." And the strange free throw stylings of Gilbert Arenas make us smile. Every time, man. Every single time.

We're not saying what happened on Saturday night wasn't ugly or embarrassing -- but it wasn't scary.

We have no idea where this Kelly Dwyer grew up. Not a clue. But our gut is telling us (screaming, actually) that he is not exactly used to drive bys, thug-offs, or random beatings. Just a guess. All that we at Apt404 know for sure is that the 'Pent was scared shit-less watching the MSG court filled with massive, Kermit Washington-type professional ass kickers squaring off against one another. With coaches, security, police, and the odd fan out there, too. Not scary? Are you fucking kidding us? That wasn't scary?

And it wasn't indicative of anything more than a bunch of bratty kids, full of themselves, letting their false bravado get the best of them after the levels of accountability were lowered by the opposing coaches. Together, cats and kittens, let's turn off the cable TV and move on.

"Poser - noun. - a person who habitually pretends to be something he is not. sometimes spelled "poseur." show-off, exhibitionist. someone who deliberately behaves in such a way as to attract attention." -- from TheFreeDictionary.com.

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We'll leave FireMikeCelizic.blogspot.com to the real heroes, across the avenue at FireJoeMorgan.blogspot.com. They the shit.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Hello Americans!

"The War of the Worlds" -- by H. G. Wells

Performed by Orson Welles & The Mercury Theatre.

Broadcast on the Columbia Broadcasting System, 10/30/38.

[ With thanks: Here is the site which provides the basic transcript making up this post. ]

================================

ANNOUNCER
The Columbia Broadcasting System and its affiliated stations present Mr. Orson Welles and the Mercury Theatre on the air in "The War of the Worlds", by H. G. Wells.

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, the director of the Mercury Theatre and star of these broadcasts, Orson Welles.

ORSON WELLES
We know now that in the early years of the twentieth century this world was being watched closely by intelligences greater than man's, and yet as mortal as his own. We know now that as human beings busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacence people went to and fro over the earth about their little affairs, serene in the assurance of their dominion over this small, spinning fragment of solar driftwood which, by chance or design, man has inherited out of the dark mystery of time and space. Yet across an immense ethereal gulf, minds that are to our minds as ours are to the beasts in the jungle, intellects vast, cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes and slowly and surely drew their plans against us. In the thirty-ninth year of the twentieth century came the great disillusionment. It was near the end of October. Business was better. The war scare was over. More men were back at work. Sales were picking up. On this particular evening the Crosley service estimated that 32 million people were listening in on radios.

-------------------------------------------

ANNOUNCER
For the next 24 hours not much change in temperature. A slight atmospheric disturbance of undetermined origin is reported over Nova Scotia, causing a low pressure area to move down rather rapidly over the northeastern states, bringing a forecast of rain, accompanied by winds of light gale force. Maximum temperature 66; minimum 48. This weather report comes to you from the Government Weather Bureau. We take you now to the Meridian Room in the Hotel Park Plaza in downtown New York, where you'll be entertained by the music of Ramón Raquello and his orchestra.

(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING, THEN FADES.)

ANNOUNCER
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. From the Meridian Room in the Park Plaza Hotel in New York City, we bring you the music of Ramón Raquello and his orchestra. With a touch of the Spanish, Ramón Raquello leads off with "La Cumparsita."

(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING, THEN QUICKLY FADES OUT.)

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our program of dance music to bring you a special bulletin from Intercontinental Radio News. At 22 minutes before 8 pm, Prof. Farrell of the Mount Jennings Observatory in Chicago reported observing several explosions of incandescent gas, occurring at regular intervals on the planet Mars. The spectroscope indicates the gas to be hydrogen and moving towards the earth with enormous velocity. Prof. Pierson of the Observatory at Princeton University confirms Prof. Farrell's observation, and describes the phenomenon as, quote, "like a jet of blue flame shot from a gun," unquote. We now return you to the music of Ramón Raquello, playing for you in the Meridian Room of the Park Plaza Hotel, situated in downtown New York City.

(MUSIC PLAYS FOR A FEW MOMENTS. ENDS. APPLAUSE.)

ANNOUNCER
And now a tune that never loses favor, the ever-popular "Stardust." Ramón Raquello and his orchestra.

(MUSIC PLAYS.)

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, following on the news given in our bulletin a moment ago, the Government's Meteorological Bureau has requested the larger observatories of the country keep an astronomical watch on any further disturbances occurring on the planet Mars. Due to the unusual nature of this occurrence, we have arranged an interview with noted astronomer Prof. Pierson of Princeton, who will give us his views on these events. In a few moments we will take you to Princeton Observatory in New Jersey. We return you until then to the music of Ramón Raquello and his orchestra.

(MUSIC PLAYS FOR ONE MINUTE, THEN FADES OUT.)

ANNOUNCER
We are ready now to take you to the Princeton Observatory, where our Carl Phillips will interview Prof. Richard Pierson, astronomer. We take you now to Princeton, New Jersey.

(ECHO CHAMBER. SOUND OF TICKING CLOCK.)

CARL PHILLIPS
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Carl Phillips speaking to you from Princeton Observatory. I'm standing in a large circular room, pitch black except for an oblong split in the ceiling. Through this opening I can see a sprinkling of stars that cast a kind of frosty glow over the intricate mechanism of a huge telescope. The ticking sound you hear is the vibration of the clockwork. Prof. Pierson stands directly above me on a small platform, peering through the giant lens. I ask you to be patient, ladies and gentlemen, during any delay that may arise during our interview. Besides his ceaseless watch of the heavens, Prof. Pierson may be interrupted by telephone or other communications. During this period he is in constant touch with the astronomical centers of the world. Professor, may I begin our questions?

PROF. PIERSON
Any time, Mr. Phillips.

CARL PHILLIPS
Professor, would you please tell our radio audience exactly what you see as you observe Mars through your telescope?

PROF. PIERSON
Nothing unusual at the moment, Mr. Phillips. A red disk swimming in a blue sea. Transverse stripes across the disk. Quite distinct now because Mars happens to be the point nearest the earth. In opposition, as we call it.

CARL PHILLIPS
In your opinion, what do these transverse stripes signify?

PROF. PIERSON
Not canals, I can assure you, Mr. Phillips.

CARL PHILLIPS
I see.

PROF. PIERSON
Although that's the popular conjecture of those who imagine Mars to be inhabited. From a scientific viewpoint the stripes are merely the result of atmospheric conditions peculiar to the planet.

CARL PHILLIPS
Then you're quite convinced as a scientist that living intelligence as we know it does not exist on Mars?

PROF. PIERSON
I'd say the chances against it are a thousand to one.

CARL PHILLIPS
And yet, how do you account for these gas eruptions occurring on the surface of the planet at regular intervals?

PROF. PIERSON
Mr. Phillips, I cannot account for it.

CARL PHILLIPS
By the way, Professor, for the benefit of our listeners, how far is Mars from the earth?

PROF. PIERSON
Approximately 40 million miles.

CARL PHILLIPS
Well, that seems a safe enough distance. Just a moment, ladies and gentlemen, someone has handed Prof. Pierson a message. While he reads it, let me remind you that we are speaking to you from the observatory at Princeton University, where we're interviewing world-famous astronomer Prof. Pierson. One moment, please. Prof. Pierson has passed me a message which he's just received. Professor, may I read the message to the listening audience?

PROF. PIERSON
Certainly, Mr. Phillips.

CARL PHILLIPS
Ladies and gentlemen, I shall read you a wire addressed to Prof. Pierson from Dr. Gray of the National History Museum in New York City. Quote, "9:15 P. M Eastern Standard Time. Seismograph equipment registering shocks of near earthquake intensity occurring within a radius of 20 miles of Princeton. Please investigate. Signed, Lloyd Gray, Chief of Astronomical Division," unquote. Prof. Pierson, could this occurrence possibly have something to do with the disturbances observed on the planet Mars?

PROF. PIERSON
Hardly, Mr. Phillips. This is probably a meteorite of unusual size and its arrival at this particular time is merely a coincidence. However, we shall conduct a search as soon as daylight permits.

CARL PHILLIPS
Thank you, Professor. Ladies and gentlemen, for the past ten minutes we've been speaking to you from the observatory at Princeton, bringing you a special interview with Prof. Pierson, noted astronomer. This is Carl Phillips speaking. We return you now to our New York studios.

(FADE IN. PIANO PLAYING.)

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, here is the latest bulletin from Intercontinental Radio News, in Toronto, Canada. Prof. Morse of McMillan University reports observing a total of 3 explosions on Mars between 7 and 9 PM, EST. This confirms earlier reports received from American observatories. Nearer home comes a special bulletin from Trenton, N. J. It is reported that at 8:50 PM a massive flaming object, believed to be a meteorite, fell on a farm in the neighborhood of Grovers Mill, New Jersey, 22 miles outside Trenton. The flash in the sky was visible within a radius of a hundred miles and the sound of impact was heard as far north as Elizabeth, N.J. We have dispatched a special mobile unit to the scene, and will have our commentator, Carl Phillips, give you a word picture of the scene as soon as he can reach there from Princeton. In the meantime, we take you to the Hotel Martinet in Brooklyn, where Bobby Millette and his orchestra are offering a program of dance music.

(SWING BAND PLAYS FOR THIRTY-FIVE SECONDS.)

ANNOUNCER
We take you now to Grovers Mill, New Jersey.

(PAUSE. CROWD NOISE. POLICE SIRENS.)

CARL PHILLIPS
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Carl Phillips again, out of the Wilmuth farm in Grovers Mill, N. J. Prof. Pierson and I made the trip from Princeton in ten minutes. Well, I hardly know where to begin to paint for you a word picture of the strange scene before my eyes, like something out of a modern "Arabian Nights." Well, I just got here. I haven't had a chance to look around yet. I guess that's it. Yes, I guess that's the thing, directly in front of me, half buried in a vast pit. Must have struck with terrific force. The ground is covered with splinters of trees it must have struck on its way down. What I can see of the object itself doesn't look very much like a meteor, at least not the meteors I've seen. It looks more like a huge cylinder. It has a diameter of, what would you say, Prof. Pierson?

PROF. PIERSON
About 30 meters.

CARL PHILLIPS
About 30 meters. The metal on the sheath is, well, I've never seen anything like it. The color is sort of yellowish-white. Curious spectators now are pressing close to the object despite the efforts of police to keep them back. They're getting in front of my line of vision. Would you mind standing to one side, please?

POLICEMAN
One side, there. One side.

CARL PHILLIPS
While the policemen are pushing the crowd back, here's Mr. Wilmuth, owner of the farm here. He may have some interesting facts to add. Mr. Wilmuth, would you please tell the radio audience as much as you remember of this rather unusual visitor that dropped in your backyard? Step closer, please. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Wilmuth.

MR. WILMUTH
Well, I was listening to the radio.

CARL PHILLIPS
Closer and louder please.

MR. WILMUTH
Yes, sir. I was listening to the radio and kind of drowsing, and that Professor fellow was talking.

CARL PHILLIPS
Yes, yes, Mr. Wilmuth. And then what happened?

MR. WILMUTH
Well, as I was saying, I was listening to the radio kinda halfway.

CARL PHILLIPS
Yes, Mr. Wilmuth, and then you saw something?

MR. WILMUTH
Not first off. I heard something.

CARL PHILLIPS
And what did you hear?

MR. WILMUTH
A hissing sound. Kind of like a 4th of July rocket.

CARL PHILLIPS
Yes, then what?

MR. WILMUTH
I turned my head out the window and could have swore I was asleep and dreaming. I saw that kinda greenish streak and then BAM! Something big smacked the ground. Knocked me clear out of my chair!

CARL PHILLIPS
Were you frightened, Mr. Wilmuth?

MR. WILMUTH
Well. I'm not quite sure. I was kind of riled.

CARL PHILLIPS
Thank you, Mr. Wilmuth. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, you've just heard Mr. Wilmuth, owner of the farm where this "thing" has fallen. I wish I could convey the atmosphere. The background of this fantastic scene. Hundreds of cars are parked in a field in back of us and the police are trying to rope off the roadway leading into the farm, but it's no use. They're breaking right through. Cars headlights throwing an enormous spotlight on to the pit where the object is half buried. Now some of the more daring souls are venturing near the edge. Their silhouettes stand out against the metal sheen.

(FAINT HUMMING SOUND.)

CARL PHILLIPS
One man wants to touch the thing. He's having an argument with a policeman. The policeman wins. Now, ladies and gentlemen, there's something I haven't mentioned in all this excitement, but now it's becoming more distinct. Perhaps you've caught it already on your radio. Listen, please.

(FAINT SCRAPING NOISE.)

CARL PHILLIPS
Do you hear it? It's a curious humming sound that seems to be coming from inside the object. I'll move the microphone nearer. Now we're not more than 25 feet away. Can you hear it now? Prof. Pierson...

PROF. PIERSON
Yes, Mr. Phillips?

CARL PHILLIPS
Can you tell us the meaning of the scraping noise inside that thing?

PROF. PIERSON
Possibly the unequal cooling of its surface.

CARL PHILLIPS
I see. Do you still think it's a meteor, Professor?

PROF. PIERSON
I don't know what to think. The metal casing is definitely extraterrestrial. Not found on this earth. Friction with the earth's atmosphere usually tears holes in a meteorite. This thing is smooth and, as you can see, of cylindrical shape.

CARL PHILLIPS
Just a minute! Something's happening! Ladies and gentlemen, this is very strange! This end of the thing is beginning to flake off! The top is beginning to rotate like a screw and the thing must be hollow!

VOICES
It's moving!
Look, the damn thing's unscrewing!
Stand back there!
Keep those men back, I tell you!
Maybe there are men in it trying to escape!
It's red hot, they'll burn to a cinder!
Keep back there!
Keep those idiots back!

(SUDDENLY, THE CLANKING SOUND OF A HUGE PIECE OF FALLING METAL.)

VOICES
She's off!
The top's loose!
Look out there!
Stand back!

CARL PHILLIPS
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the most terrifying thing I have ever witnessed! Wait a minute. Someone's crawling out of the hollow top. Someone or... something. I can see peering out of that black hole, two luminous disks. Are they eyes? It might be a face. It might be...

(SHOUTS OF AWE FROM THE CROWD.)

CARL PHILLIPS
Good heavens, something's wriggling out of the shadow like a gray snake. Now it's another one, and another one. And another one! They look like tentacles to me. I can see the thing's body now. It's large, big as a car and it glistens like wet leather. But that face, it... Ladies and gentlemen, it's indescribable. I can hardly force myself to keep looking at it, it's so awful. The eyes are black and gleam like a serpent's eyes. The mouth is V-shaped with saliva dripping from its rimless lips which quiver and pulsate. The monster, or whatever it is, can hardly move. It seems weighed down by gravity. The thing's rising up now. The crowd falls back. They've seen plenty. This is the most extraordinary experience, ladies and gentlemen. I can't find words. I'll pull this microphone with me as I talk. I've got to stop my description until I take a new position. Hold on, will you please? I'll be right back.

(FADE TO MUSIC.)

ANNOUNCER
We are bringing you an eyewitness account of what's happening on the Wilmuth farm in Grovers Mill, N.J.

(MORE MUSIC.)

ANNOUNCER
We now return you to Carl Phillips at Grovers Mill.

CARL PHILLIPS
Ladies and gent... Am I on? Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, here I am, in back of a stone wall that adjoins Mr. Wilmuth's garden. From here I get a sweep of the whole scene. I'll give you every detail as long as I can talk and as long as I can see. More state police have arrived. They're drawing up a cordon in front of the pit, about 30 of them. No need to push the crowd back. They're willing to keep their distance. The captain is conferring with someone. We can't quite see who. Oh yes. I believe it's Prof. Pierson. Yes, it is. Now they've parted and the Professor moves around one side, studying the object, while the captain and two policemen advance with something in their hands. I can see it now. It's a white handkerchief tied to a pole. A flag of truce, if those creatures know what that means. What anything means. Wait a minute! Something's happening!

(HISSING SOUND FOLLOWED BY A HUMMING THAT INCREASES IN INTENSITY.)

CARL PHILLIPS
A humped shape is rising out of the pit. I can make out a small beam of light against a mirror. What's that? There's a jet of flame springing from that mirror, leaping right at the advancing men. It strikes them head on... Good Lord, they're turning into flame!

(SCREAMS AND SHRIEKS.)

CARL PHILLIPS
Now the whole field's caught fire!

(EXPLOSION.)

CARL PHILLIPS
The woods... the barns... the gas tanks of automobiles... it's spreading everywhere! It's coming this way! About twenty yards to my right...


(SILENCE.)


ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, due to circumstances beyond our control, we are unable to continue the broadcast from Grovers Mill. Evidently there is some difficulty with our field transmission. However, we will return to that point at the earliest opportunity. In the meantime we have a late bulletin from San Diego. Prof. Indellkoffer, speaking at a dinner of the California Astronomical Society, expressed the opinion that the explosions on Mars are undoubtedly nothing more than severe volcanic disturbances on the surface of the planet. We continue now with our piano interlude.

(PIANO PLAYS FOR 30 SECONDS.)

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been handed a message coming from Grovers Mill via telephone. Just one moment, please. At least 40 people, including 6 state troopers, lay dead in a field east of the village of Grovers Mill. Their bodies burned and distorted beyond all possible recognition. The next voice you hear will be that of General Montgomery Smith, commander of the N.J. state militia.

GENERAL MONTGOMERY SMITH
I've been requested by the governor of New Jersey to place the counties of Mercer and Middlesex, as far west as Princeton, and east to Jamesburg, under martial law. No one will be permitted to enter this area except by special pass issued by state or military authorities. Four companies of state militia are proceeding from Trenton to Grovers Mill, and will aid in the evacuation of homes within the range of military operations. Thank you.

ANNOUNCER
You have just been listening to General Montgomery Smith commanding the state militia at Trenton. In the meantime, further details of the catastrophe at Grovers Mill are coming in. The strange creatures, after unleashing their deadly assault, crawled back into their pit and made no attempt to prevent the efforts of the firemen to recover the bodies and extinguish the fire. The combined fire departments of Mercer County are fighting the flames which menace the entire countryside. We've been unable to establish contact with our mobile unit, but hope to return you there at the earliest possible moment. In the meantime we take you to... Just one moment, please...

(SILENT PAUSE LASTING TEN SECONDS.)

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that we have finally established communication with an eyewitness to the tragedy. Prof. Pierson has been located at a farmhouse near Grovers Mill, where he's established an emergency observation post. As a scientist, he will give you his explanation of the calamity. The next voice you hear will be that of Prof. Pierson, brought to you by direct wire.

PROF. PIERSON
Of the creatures in the rocket cylinder at Grovers Mill, I can give you no authoritative information. Either to their nature, their origin, or their purpose here on earth. Of their destructive instrument I might venture some conjectural explanation. For want of a better term, I shall refer to their mysterious weapon as a "heat ray." It is all too evident these creatures have scientific knowledge far in advance of our own. It's my guess that in some way they are able to generate an intense heat in a chamber of practically absolute no conductivity. This intense heat they project in a parallel beam against any object they choose, by means of a polished parabolic mirror of unknown composition, much as the mirror of a lighthouse projects a beam of light. That is my conjecture of the origin of the heat ray.

ANNOUNCER
Thank you, Professor Pierson. Ladies and gentlemen, here is a bulletin from Trenton. It's a brief statement informing us that the charred body of Carl Phillips has been identified in a Trenton hospital. Here's another bulletin from Washington, D.C. The office of the director of the National Red Cross reports ten units of Red Cross emergency workers have been assigned to the headquarters of the state militia stationed outside Grovers Mill, N. J. From a bulletin given to us by state police, Princeton Junction, "The fires at Grovers Mill and vicinity are now under control. Scouts report all quiet in the pit, and there is no sign of life appearing from the mouth of the cylinder." And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a special statement from Mr. Harry McDonald, vice-president in charge of operations at CBS.

V.P. MCDONALD
We have received a request from the state militia at Trenton to place at their disposal our entire broadcasting facilities. In view of the gravity of the situation, and in the belief that radio has a responsibility to serve in the public interest at all times we are turning over our facilities to the state militia.

ANNOUNCER
We take you now to the field headquarters of the state militia near Grovers Mill, New Jersey.

CAPTAIN LANSING
This is Captain Lansing of the signal corps, attached to the state militia, now engaged in military operations in the vicinity of Grovers Mill. Situation arising from the reported presence of certain individuals of unidentified nature is now under complete control. The cylindrical object which lies in a pit directly below our position is surrounded on all sides by eight battalions of infantry, without heavy field pieces but adequately armed with rifles and machine guns. All cause for alarm, if such cause ever existed, is now entirely unjustified. The things, whatever they are, do not even venture to poke their heads above the pit. I can see their hiding place plainly in the glare of the searchlights here. With all their reported resources, these creatures can scarcely stand up against heavy machine-gun fire. Anyway, it's an interesting outing for the troops. I can make out their khaki uniforms, crossing back and forth in front of the lights. It looks almost like a real war. There appears to be some slight smoke in the woods bordering the Millstone River. Probably fire started by campers. Well, we ought to see some action soon. One of the companies is deploying on the left flank. A quick thrust and it will all be over. Wait a minute... I see something on top of the cylinder. No, it's nothing but a shadow. Now the troops are on the edge of the Wilmuth farm. Seven thousand armed men closing in on an old metal tube. A tub rather. Wait, that wasn't a shadow! It's something moving... Solid metal. Kind of a shield-like affair rising up out of the cylinder. It's reaching higher and higher. Why, it's standing on legs. Actually rearing up on a sort of metal framework. Now it's rising above the trees, and the searchlights are on it. Hold on...

(LONG PAUSE.)

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a grave announcement to make. Incredible as it may seem, both the observations of science and the evidence of our eyes lead to the inescapable assumption that those strange beings that landed in the Jersey farmlands tonight are the vanguard of an invading army from the planet Mars. The battle which took place tonight at Grovers Mill has ended in one of the most startling defeats ever suffered by an army in modern times; seven thousand men armed with rifles and machine guns pitted against a single fighting machine of the invaders from Mars. One hundred and twenty known survivors. The rest strewn over the battle area from Grovers Mill to Plainsboro, crushed and trampled to death under the metal feet of the monster, or burned to cinders by its heat ray. The monsters are now in control of the middle section of New Jersey and have effectively cut the state in half through its center. Communication lines are down from Pennsylvania to the Atlantic Ocean. Railroad tracks are torn and service from New York to Philadelphia has been discontinued, routing some trains through Allentown and Phoenixville. Highways to the north, south, and west are clogged with frantic human traffic. Police and Army reserves are unable to control the mad flight. By morning the fugitives will have swelled Philadelphia, Camden, and Trenton, it is estimated, to twice their normal populations. Martial law prevails throughout New Jersey and eastern Pennsylvania. At this time we take you to Washington for a special broadcast on the National Emergency Broadcast System. The Secretary of the Interior...

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
Citizens of the nation, I shall not try to conceal the gravity of the situation that confronts our country, nor the concern of your government in protecting the lives and property of its people. However, I wish to impress upon you, the private citizens and public officials, all of you, the urgent need for calm and resourceful action. Fortunately this formidable enemy is still confined to a comparatively small area, and we may place our faith in the military forces to keep them there. In the meantime, placing our faith in God, we must continue the performance of our duties each and every one of us, so that we may confront this destructive adversary with a nation united, courageous, and consecrated to the preservation of human supremacy on this earth. I thank you.

ANNOUNCER
You've just heard the Secretary of the Interior, speaking from Washington. Bulletins too numerous to read are piling up in the studio here. We are informed the central portion of New Jersey is blacked out from radio communication due to the effect of the heat ray upon power lines and electrical equipment. Here is a special bulletin from New York: cables have been received from English, French, and German scientific bodies offering assistance. Astronomers report continued gas outbursts at regular intervals on the planet Mars. The majority voice the opinion that the enemy will be reinforced by additional rocket machines. There have been several attempts made to locate Prof. Pierson of Princeton, who has observed Martians at close range. It is feared he was lost in the recent battle. From Langham Field, VA, scouting planes report three Martian machines visible above the treetops, moving north towards Somerville with the population fleeing ahead of them. Their heat ray is not in use. Although advancing at express-train speed, the invaders pick their way carefully. They seem to be making a conscious effort to avoid destruction of cities and countryside. However, they stop to uproot power lines, bridges, and railroad tracks. Their apparent objective is to crush resistance, paralyze communication, and disorganize society. Here's a bulletin from Basking Ridge, N. J. Coon hunters have stumbled on a second cylinder similar to the first embedded in the great swamp twenty miles south of Morristown. Army fieldpieces are proceeding from Newark to blow up a second invading unit before the cylinder can open and the fighting machines rigged. They've taking up a position in the foothills of the Watchung Mountains. Another bulletin from Langham Field, VA: scout planes report enemy machines, now three in number, increasing speed northward, kicking over houses and trees in their haste to form a conjunction with their allies south of Morristown. Machines have also been also sighted by telephone operators east of Middlesex, within ten miles of Plainfield. Here's a bulletin from Winston Field, Long Island: a fleet of army bombers carrying heavy explosives flying north in pursuit of enemy, with scout planes acting as guides. They are keeping the speeding enemy in sight. Just a moment please, ladies and gentlemen. We've run special wires to the artillery line in adjacent villages to give you direct reports in the zone of the advancing enemy. First, we take you to the battery of the 22nd Field Artillery located in the Watchtung Mountains.

OFFICER
Range, thirty-two meters.

GUNNER
Thirty-two meters.

OFFICER
Projection, thirty-nine degrees.

GUNNER
Thirty-nine degrees.

OFFICER
Fire!

(BOOM OF HEAVY GUN. PAUSE.)

ARTILLERY OBSERVER
One hundred and fourty yards to the right, sir.

OFFICER
Shift range. Thirty-one meters.

GUNNER
Thirty-one meters.

OFFICER
Projection... thirty-seven degrees.

GUNNER
Thirty-seven degrees.

OFFICER
Fire!

(BOOM OF HEAVY GUN. PAUSE.)

ARTILLERY OBSERVER
A hit, sir! We got the tripod of one of them. They've stopped. The others are trying to repair it.

OFFICER
Quick, get the range! Shift thirty meters.

GUNNER
Thirty meters.

OFFICER
Projection... twenty-seven degrees.

GUNNER
Twenty-seven degrees.

OFFICER
Fire!

(BOOM OF HEAVY GUN. PAUSE.)

ARTILLERY OBSERVER
I cannot see the shell land, sir. They're letting off smoke.

OFFICER
What is it?

ARTILLERY OBSERVER
A black smoke, sir. Moving this way. Lying close to the ground. It's moving fast.

OFFICER
Put on gas masks.

(PAUSE.)

(VOICES NOW MUFFLED.)

OFFICER
Get ready to fire. Shift to twenty-four meters.

GUNNER
Twenty-four meters.

OFFICER
Projection, twenty-four degrees.

GUNNER
Twenty-four degrees.

OFFICER
Fire!

(BOOM.)

ARTILLERY OBSERVER
Still can't see, sir. The smoke's coming nearer.

OFFICER
Get the range!

ARTILLERY OBSERVER
Twenty-three meters.

OFFICER
Twenty-three meters.

GUNNER
Twenty-three meters.

ARTILLERY OBSERVER
Projection, twenty-two degrees.

OFFICER
Twenty-two degrees.

(SOUND OF AN AIRPLANE MOTOR.)

COMMANDER
Army bombing plane V843, off Bayonne, N.J. Lieutenant Voight, commanding eight bombers. Reporting to Commander Fairfax, Langham Field. This is Voight reporting. Enemy tripod machines are now in sight, reinforced by three machines from the Morristown cylinder. Six altogether. One machine partially crippled. Believed to have been hit by a shell from an army gun in the Watchung Mountains. Guns now appear silent. A heavy black fog hanging close to the earth of extreme density, nature unknown. No sign of heat ray. Enemy now turns east, crossing Passaic River into the Jersey marshes. Another straddles the Pulaski Skyway. Evident objective is New York City. They're pushing down a high tension power station. The machines are close together now, and we're ready to attack. Planes circling, ready to strike. A thousand yards and we'll be over the first. Eight hundred yards. Six hundred. Four hundred. Two hundred. There they go. The giant arm is being raised...

(SOUND OF HEAT RAY FIRING.)

COMMANDER
Green flash! They're spraying us with flame! Two thousand feet. Engines are giving out. No chance to release bombs. Only one thing left. Drop on them, plane and all. We're diving on the first one. Now the engine's gone.

(PLANE GOES DOWN.)

OPERATOR ONE
This is Bayonne, New Jersey calling Langham Field. This is Bayonne, New Jersey calling Langham Field. Come in, please.

OPERATOR TWO
This is Langham Field. Go ahead.

OPERATOR ONE
Eight army bombers in engagement with enemy tripod machines over Jersey flats. Engines incapacitated by heat ray. All crashed. One enemy machine destroyed. Enemy now discharging heavy black smoke in our direction.

OPERATOR THREE
This is Newark, New Jersey. This is Newark, New Jersey. Warning! Poisonous black smoke pouring in from Jersey marshes. Reaches South Street. Gas masks useless. Urge population to move into open spaces. Automobiles use Routes 7, 23, 24. Avoid congested areas. Smoke now spreading over Raymond Boulevard.

OPERATOR FOUR
2X2L. Calling CQ. 2X2L. Calling CQ. 2X2L. Calling 8X3R. Come in, please!

OPERATOR FIVE
This is 8X3R. Coming back at 2X2L.

OPERATOR FOUR
How's reception? How's reception? K, please. Where are you, 8X3R? What's the matter? Where are you?

(SOUND OF CHURCH BELLS RINGING.)

ANNOUNCER
I'm speaking from the roof of the Columbia Broadcasting Building in New York City. The bells you hear are ringing to warn the people to evacuate the city as the Martians approach. Estimated in last two hours, 3 million people have moved out along the roads to the north. Hutchison River Parkway remains open for motor traffic. Avoid bridges to Long Island. Hopelessly jammed. All communication with the Jersey shore was closed ten minutes ago. We have no more defenses. The army is wiped out. Artillery, Air Force. Everything wiped out. This may be the last broadcast. We'll stay here to the end.

(VOICES SINGING A HYMN.)

ANNOUNCER
People are holding service here below us. In the cathedral.

(SOUNDS OF BOAT WHISTLES IN DISTANCE.)

ANNOUNCER
Now I look down the harbor. All manner of boats, overloaded with fleeing population, pulling out from docks. The streets are jammed. A great noise in the crowd. Wait a minute. The enemy is now in sight, above the Palisades. Five — five great machines. The first one is crossing the river. I can see it from here, wading. Wading the Hudson like a man wading through a brook. A bulletin has been handed to me. Martian cylinders are falling all over the nation. Outside of Buffalo, Chicago, and St. Louis. They seem to be timed and spaced. Now the first machine reaches shore. It stands watching, looking over the city. Its steel, cowlish head is even with the skyscrapers. It waits for the others. They rise like a line of new towers on the city's west side. Now they're lifting their metal hands. This is the end now. Smoke comes out. Black smoke, drifting out over the city. People in the streets see it now, as they run towards the East River. Thousands, dropping in like rats. Now the smoke is spreading faster. It's reached Times Square. People try to run away from it, but it's no use. They're falling like flies. Now the smoke's crossing Sixth Avenue. Fifth Avenue. A hundred yards away. Fifty feet.

(SOUND OF A BODY FALLING.)

(SOUNDS OF CITY IN TURMOIL. FOGHORNS. WHISTLES.)

OPERATOR FOUR
2X2L calling CQ. 2X2L calling CQ. 2X2L calling CQ. New York. Isn't there anyone on the air? Isn't there anyone on the air? Isn't there anyone. 2X2L...


ANNOUNCER
You are listening to a CBS presentation of Orson Welles and the Mercury Theatre on the Air, in an original dramatization of "The War of the Worlds" by H. G. Wells. Our performance will continue after a brief intermission. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

(MUSIC.)


PROF. PIERSON
As I set down these notes on paper, I'm obsessed with the thought that I may be the last living man on Earth. I have been hiding in this empty house near Grovers Mill. A small island of daylight cut off by the black smoke from the rest of the world. All that happened before the arrival of these monstrous creatures in our world now seems part of another life. A life that has no continuity with the present, furtive existence of the lonely derelict who pencils these words on the back of some astronomical notes bearing the signature of Professor Richard Pierson. I look down at my blackened hands, my torn shoes, my tattered clothes, and I try to connect them with the professor who works at Princeton University, and who, on the night of October 30th, glimpsed through his telescope an orange splash of light on a distant planet. My wife, my colleagues, my students, my books, my observatory, my... my world... Where are they? Did they ever exist? Am I Richard Pierson? What day is it? Do days exist without calendars? Does time pass when there are no human hands left to wind the clocks? In writing down my daily life I tell myself I must preserve human history between the dark covers of this small book meant to record the movements of the stars, but to write I must live. And to live, I must eat. I find moldy bread in the kitchen, and an orange not too spoiled to swallow. I keep watch at the window. From time to time I catch sight of a Martian rising above the black smoke. That smoke still holds this house in its black coil, but at length there is a hissing sound. And suddenly I see a Martian mounted on his machine, spraying the air with a jet of steam, as if to dissipate the smoke. I watch in a corner as his huge metal legs nearly brush against the house. Exhausted by terror, I fall asleep.

I awake and it's morning.

Sun streams in the window. The black cloud of gas has lifted, and the scorched meadows to the north look as though a black snowstorm has passed over them. I venture from the house. I make my way to a road. No traffic. Here and there a wrecked car, baggage overturned, a blackened human skeleton. I push on north. For some reason I feel safer trailing these monsters than running away from them. And I keep a careful watch. I have seen the Martians feed. Should one of their machines appear over the top of trees, I am ready to fling myself flat on the earth. I come to a chestnut tree. October. Chestnuts are ripe. I fill my pockets. I must keep alive. Two days I wander in a vague northerly direction through a desolate world. Finally I notice a living creature. A small red squirrel in a beech tree. I stare at him. And wonder. He stares back at me. I believe at that moment the animal and I share the same emotion, the joy of finding another living being. I push on north. I find dead cows in a brackish field, and beyond the charred ruins of a dairy the silo remains standing guard over the waste land like a lighthouse deserted by the sea. Astride the silo perches a weathercock. The arrow points north.

Next day I come to a city, vaguely familiar in its contours yet its buildings strangely dwarfed and leveled off, as if a giant had sliced off its highest towers with a capricious sweep of his hand. I reach the outskirts. I find Newark undemolished, but humbled by some whim of the advancing Martians. Presently, with an odd feeling of being watched, I caught sight of something crouching in a doorway. I made a step towards it. It rises up and becames a man! A man armed with a large knife.

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Stop! Where do you come from?

PROF. PIERSON
I come from many places, a long time ago. Princeton. New Jersey.

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Princeton? That's near Grovers Mill.

PROF. PIERSON
Yes.

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Grovers Mill. There's no food here. This is my territory. All this end of town, down to the river. There's only food for one. Which way you going?

PROF. PIERSON
Don't know. I guess I'm looking for...people.

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
What was that? Did you hear something just then?

PROF. PIERSON
No. Only a bird. A live bird.

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Yeah. You get to know that birds have shadows these days. We're in the open here. Suppose we crawl in that doorway and talk?

PROF. PIERSON
Have you seen any Martians?

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
No. They've all gone over to New York City. At night the sky's alive with their lights. As if people were still living there. By daylight you can't see them. Five days ago a couple of them carried something big across the flats from the airport. I think they're learning how to fly.

PROF. PIERSON
Fly?

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Yeah. Fly.

PROF. PIERSON
Then it's all over with humanity. Stranger, there's still you and I. Two of us left.

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Yeah... They got themselves in solid. They wrecked the greatest country in the world. Those green stars, they're probably falling somewhere every night. They've only lost one machine. There isn't anything to do. We're done. We're licked.

PROF. PIERSON
Where were you? You're in a uniform.

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Yeah, what's left of it. I was in the militia. National Guard. Heh! That's good! There wasn't any war. Any more than there's war between men and ants.

PROF. PIERSON
Yes, but we're eatable ants! I found that out. What'll they do with us?

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
I've thought it all out. Right now we're caught as we're wanted. The Martian only has to go a few miles to get a crowd on the run. But they won't keep on doing that. They'll begin catching us systematic like. Keeping the best and storing us in cages. They haven't begun on us yet!

PROF. PIERSON
Not begun?

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Not begun. All that's happened so far is because we don't have sense enough to keep quiet. Bothering them with guns and stuff and losing our heads, rushing off in crowds. Now, instead of our rushing around blind we've got to fix ourselves up. Fix ourselves up according to the way things are now. Cities, nations, civilization, progress. Done.

PROF. PIERSON
Yes, but if that's so... what is there to live for?

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Well, there won't be any more concerts for a million or so years. And no nice little dinners at restaurants. If it's amusement you're after, I guess the game's up.

PROF. PIERSON
What is there left?

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Life! That's what! I want to live! Yeah, and so do you. We're not going to be exterminated. And I don't mean to be caught, neither! Tamed and fattened and bred, like an ox.

PROF. PIERSON
What are you going to do?

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
I'm going on... right under their feet. I've got a plan. We men as men are finished. We don't know enough. We gotta learn plenty before we've got a chance. And we've got to live and keep free while we learn, see? I've thought it all out.

PROF. PIERSON
Tell me the rest.

STRANGER WITH KNIFE
Well, it isn't all of us that are made for wild beasts, and that's what it's got to be. That's why I watched you. All those little workers that used to live in these houses, they'd be no good. They haven't any stuff in 'em. They used to run off to work. I've seen hundreds of 'em, running to catch their commuter trains in the morning, afraid they'd be canned if they didn't. Running back at night afraid they won't be in time for dinner. Lives insured and a little invested in case of accidents. Yeah, and on Sundays, worried about the hereafter. The Martians will be a godsend for those guys. Nice roomy cages, good food, careful breeding, no worries. Yeah, after a week or so chasing about the fields on empty stomachs they'll come and be glad to be caught.

PROF. PIERSON
You've thought it all out, haven't you?

STRANGER
Sure. You bet I have! That isn't all. These Martians, they're going to make pets of some of 'em, train 'em to do tricks. Who knows? Get sentimental over the pet boy who grew up and had to be killed. Yeah. And some, maybe, they'll train to hunt us.

PROF. PIERSON
No, that's impossible. No human being...

STRANGER
Yes they will. There's men who'll do it gladly. If one of them ever comes after me, why...

PROF. PIERSON
In the meantime. You and I and others like us. Where are we to live once the Martians own the earth?

STRANGER
I've got it all figured out. We'll live underground. I've been thinking about the sewers. Under New York there are miles and miles of 'em. The main ones are big enough for anybody. And there's cellars, vaults, underground storerooms, railway tunnels, subways. You begin to see, huh? We'll get a bunch of strong men together. No weak ones. That rubbish, out!

PROF. PIERSON
As you meant me to go?

STRANGER
Well, I gave you a chance, didn't I?

PROF. PIERSON
We won't quarrel about that. Go on.

STRANGER
Well, we've got to make safe places for us to stay in, see? Get all the books we can. Science books. That's where men like you come in, see? We'll raid the museums, we'll even spy on the Martians. It may not be so much we have to learn before. Listen, just imagine this... Four or five of their own fighting machines suddenly start off — heat rays right and left and not a Martian in 'em. Not a Martian in 'em, see? But MEN — men who've learned the way how. It may even be in our time. Gee, imagine having one of them lovely things with a heat ray wide and free! We'd turn it on Martians, we'd turn it on men! We'd bring everybody down on their knees!

PROF. PIERSON
That's your plan?

STRANGER
Yeah! You, me, and a few more of us. We'd own the world!

PROF. PIERSON
I see...

STRANGER
(FADING OUT) Hey. Hey, what's the matter? Where you goin'?

PROF. PIERSON
Not to your world! Goodbye, stranger.

(PAUSE.)

PROF. PIERSON
Well, after parting with the artilleryman, I came at last to the Holland Tunnel. I entered that silent tube anxious to know the fate of the great city on the other side of the Hudson. Cautiously, I came out of the tunnel and made my way up Canal Street. I reached 14th Street, and there again was black powder. And dead bodies. And an evil, ominous smell coming up from the cellar gratings of some of the houses. I wandered up through the Thirties and Forties; standing alone on Times Square. I caught sight of a lean dog running down Seventh Avenue with a piece of dark brown meat in its jaws, and a pack of starving mongrels at its heels. The dog made a wide circle around me, as though it feared I might prove a fresh competitor. I walked up Broadway in the direction of that strange powder, past silent shop windows displaying their muted wares to empty sidewalks. Past the silent Capitol Theatre. Past a shooting gallery, where rows of empty guns face an arrested line of wooden ducks. Near Columbus Circle, I noticed models of 1939 cars in the showrooms facing empty streets. From over the top of the General Motors Building I watched a flock of black birds circling in the sky. I hurried on. Suddenly I caught sight of the hood of a Martian machine, standing somewhere in Central Park, gleaming in the late afternoon sun. An insane idea! I rushed recklessly across Columbus Circle and into the Park. I climbed a small hill above the pond at Sixtieth Street, and from there I could see, standing in a silent row along the mall, nineteen of those great metal Titans, their cowls empty, their steel arms hanging listlessly by their sides. I looked in vain for the monsters that inhabit those machines.

Suddenly, my eyes were attracted to the immense flock of black birds that hovered directly below me. They circled to the ground, and there before my eyes, stark and silent, lay the Martians, with the hungry birds pecking and tearing brown shreds of flesh from their dead bodies. Later, when the alien corpses were examined in the laboratories, it was found that they were slain by the putrefactive and disease bacteria against which their systems were unprepared. Distinguished, after all man's defenses had failed, by the humblest things God in His wisdom has put upon this earth.

Before the cylinders fell there was a general persuasion that through all the deep of space no life existed beyond the petty surface of our minute sphere. Now we see further. Dim and wonderful is the vision I have conjured up in my mind of life spreading slowly from this little seedbed of the solar system throughout the inanimate vastnesses of sidereal space, but that's a remote dream. It may be that the destruction of the invaders is only a reprieve. To them, and not to us, is the future ordained perhaps. Strange it now seems to sit in my peaceful study back at Princeton, writing down this last chapter of the record begun at a deserted farm in Grovers Mill, N.J. Strange to watch children playing in the streets. Strange to see young people strolling on the green, where the new spring grass heals the last black scars of a bruised earth. Strange to watch the sightseers enter a museum where the dissembled parts of Martian machines are kept on public view. Strange that I recall the time when I first saw it, bright and clean-cut, hard, and silent, under the dawn of that last great day.


(MUSIC SWELLS UP AND OUT.)


MR. ORSON WELLES
This is Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, out of character in order to assure you that "The War of The Worlds" has no further significance than as the holiday offering it was intended to be. The Mercury Theatre's own radio version of dressing up in a sheet and jumping out of a bush and saying "Boo!" Starting now, we couldn't soap all your windows and steal all your garden gates by tomorrow night. So we did the best next thing. We annihilated the world before your very ears, and utterly destroyed the Columbia Broadcasting System. You will be relieved, I hope, to learn that we didn't mean it, and that both institutions are still open for business.

So goodbye everybody, and remember, please, for the next day or so, the terrible lesson you learned tonight. That grinning, glowing, globular invader of your living room is an inhabitant of the pumpkin patch, and if your doorbell rings and nobody's there, that was no Martian. It's Halloween.

(MERCURY THEATRE THEME UP FULL, THEN DOWN.)