11/5/06: Dedicated to the Petulant One. Welcome to Boston. Nice to have ya back, pard.

"Doe Eyed Cajun Peyton" --

Based on "Dark Eyed Cajun Woman" -- by The Doobie Brothers

===============================

We think back to the time
When we last saw your face
You were walkin' across the Razor
To your warm and happy place.
You know, we took you for a small girl
Really not quite twenty-one.
Oh, Lord, but we were wrong, oh so wrong.
You're like a woman we've never seen.

Doe eyed Cajun Peyton
Where are you comin' from?
Your soul is in second place
They say you never had a home.
But we're gonna know you better
If it takes all night and day.
Doe eyed Cajun Peyton
You'll never get away, no, no.

Now the evenin' breeze is blowin'.
We hear your whine most everywhere.
Your 'fraid, blue eyes
They're dancin' in the starlight.
Warmin' the cold night air.
It's so beautiful, you know we have to say.
Doe eyed Cajun Peyton
You'll never get away.

============================

Patent pending.

How much does 4,000 pounds of lo mein cost?

--- It'd be a crime if the new Garden doesn't serve free lo mein, fried rice, or whatever noodle/rice dish Red liked best.

--- It'd also be a crime if they don't play the "Hawaii 5-0" theme many, many times. It rocks. And whatever else Red listened to. Thanks for the great article, Bob Ryan. Bet a lot of folks were like us and had forgotten that.

--- Here's hoping that any and all windbags are kept far removed from the podium. Betcha that 100 words from Russ, Cousy, Tommy, Dave Cowens, John Havlicek, Kevin, or Larry that we won't ever forget will go a lot farther than 1,000 words from a pol or writer that we'll forget before they reclaim their seat. The greatest speech ever made at the Garden ran four words in length: "We luv ya, Cooz!"

--- One night of laughs would go a long way towards salving the past few days of ache. For "The Family", meaning players, coaches, management, staff, Garden crew, etc etc. For the second cousins, not by blood, but by marraige (that's us). And if Red's daughters and their families come, well, that'd be real nice, too.

--- The maximum on Wednesday night for phrases like "giant", "will never be seen again", "one of a kind" etc. should be held strong at 10 utterances in all. And there should be a running total on the Garden scoreboard, with any speaker unfortunate enough to be the one that exceeds this maximum forfeiting their remaining time.

--- Will Nicholson be there? Is he working? Hopefully if he shows he'll wear something obnoxious, take his boos, not be allowed to speak, slay us all with a grin, and head back to Faker Land. Yeah, that'd be nice. No way they let him in the building, though. They'd have to let in a lot of fucking people if every living past heckler got a ticket.

==================================

Also....

--- It'd be nice if someone said to Paul Westphal, privately, "You know, there should be another number up there." Although that's probably already been done.

--- The funny thing about being such a public figure is that we all have felt at certain times like maybe we knew the man. But we didn't. We saw parts of a whole. The folks who really knew Red Auerbach may do their damndest Wednesday to let us into an exclusive club, but there will always be a distance and separation. I guess that's why people ask for autographs and photos. Apartment404 staff are not big on that stuff. The memories will do.

--- OK, we're gonna bitch about one thing here. Not the time. Whatever. The "Boston Celtics: The Complete History" DVD set that came out in 2004 is not complete. Game FOUR of the Rockets-C's series in '86? And not 36-6? No "Henderson stole the ball?" And basically no game footage of the greatest championship run in the history of sports? There has to be footage, 'cuz I've seen pieces on ESPN Classic. Please, I'm begging ya.

'81: Feels So Good. Many more to come.

Split at the Garden. Strangler can't miss.

The Spectrum. Frontrunning fucking fans. Doc goes nuts. Fuck.

Down 3-1.

Sixers by 5. Can't bear to watch. 90 seconds left. No chance. I listen on the radio in my room. Somehow.

Bambi's block. They're coming home. I get this from my Dad the next morning. No guts. We laugh.

Sunday afternoon. Bird goes glass. Crowd goes nuts. Johnny rasps, "They came from three to one down!"

It's in the bag.

Bird's shot. Moses never had a chance.

Big party. "No place I'd rather be, 'cept French Lick."

==========================

Next year. Same deal. Sunday afternoon. Fuck you, Caldwell Jones.

It's all right. "Beat LA." It's all right.

"(He's) stupid and incompetent, and I told the son of a bitch that to his face." -- Red on referee Arnie Heft, 1954

"One of (my) biggest wishes (is) to shove that cigar down Red's throat." -- Alex Hannum, according to Frank Ramsey.

"Hey Russell, did you throw up?" -- Red to Bill Russell prior to one of so many seventh games. Russ did.

"I had very few discipline problems. In all my years coaching the Celtics, I fined only four guys. Three were caught after curfew and the fourth was Sam Jones, who was eating pancakes on the day of a game...How dumb can you be? Everyone knows that pancakes just lie in your stomach for hours." -- Red didn't think pancakes were proper pre-game food.

"Red never really appreciated spending a lot of money." -- Harry Mangurian.

"What's SHE doing here?" -- Red greeting Larry Bird and his then girlfriend, Dinah Mattingly, at Bird's first Camp Millbrook.

"He smoked smelly cigars. He intimidated officials and other players, threatening to kick everyone's ass." -- Tom Meschery.

"(W)e couldn't win with Cousy, and I told the press that when I drafted Charlie Share over Cousy." -- Red.

"The only thing Red did worse than play basketball was drive. He had a blue convertible Chevy and he drove it like a madman, 80 miles an hour, through the White Mountains to get to those exhibition games he had set up in little towns. The players also rode in cars and no one wanted to go with Red." -- Easy Ed Macauley, of the first Celtic greats.

"For Chrissakes, who let the broads in. No broads at practice." -- Red.

"When the league was picking on me, I tried to think of something that would aggravate the higher-ups...I wasn't having much luck until one day I lighted up a cigar during a game. Afterward I got a little note saying, 'It doesn't look good for you to be smoking cigars on the bench.' I haven't been without one since." -- Red.

"We had some apples and started an apple fight, throwing apples out of our car at the guys in another car. We were driving side-by-side, throwing apples at each other. We got pulled over by the cops because Red was driving on the wrong side of the road so his guys could get a good shot at us with the apples..." -- Tom Heinsohn, who was always able to get off a good shot.

"That was the hardest thing I ever did." -- Red on firing Tommy Heinsohn as coach.

"Vic was the student. He worked hard in school, got good grades, stayed out of trouble. He was good enough to make the basketball team but was never a star...Zang had the highest IQ of all of us. Never worked in school and had the best grades." -- Red on his brothers.

"...Red got into trouble...in Cincinnati and a fan took a swing at him. Red swung back and punched the guy. We went back to the hotel, and a cop showed up at Red's door..." "Cousy and Buddy Leroux went down to the station and Red had to post bond. Red didn't have enough money and he asked Buddy for it. Cousy thought it was hilarious. He told the desk sergeant, 'You can't put that man in jail because you don't have Chinese food." "The fan dropped the charges, and after that Red left the guy tickets every time we played in Cincinnati. They became buddies..." -- Story from Frank Ramsey and Jim Foscutoff.

"There's a kid coming out of Duquesne who can help us. Chuck Cooper. He's 6-6 and real good, but you know he's a Negro." -- Red to owner Walter Brown, pre 1950 draft.

"Well, well, well, here comes our great leader now. Say something intelligent, great leader." ...also... "The way it works up there is that whatever goes right Red did. Whatever goes wrong, the owner did." -- John Y. Brown, at one time an owner of the most historic franchise in the NBA.

"I remember the last time Red lit up the victory cigar as a coach. It came the year after he left the bench and put Russell in charge of the team. There was a massive snowstorm in Boston and Russell was the only Celtic who didn't get to the Garden for the game. We were playing Golden State with Nate Thurmond. Red took over on the bench. With no Russell, I had to play 45 minutes instead of my usual 10-15. We beat them in a close game and Red made some moves at the end that made a difference. In the final minute, he got to sit back on the bench, smile and fire up that cigar one more time because he had come down out of the stands to coach the team and win one last game." -- Hall of Famer Wayne Embry.

"We won baby. I'll be home tomorrow." -- Red after the first title, 1957, calling home to his wife, Dorothy.

====================================

Quotes are from "Tall Tales: The Glory Years of the NBA, in the Words of the Men Who Played, Coached, and Built Pro Basketball", by Cleveland's own Terry Pluto, "Seeing Red: The Red Auerbach Story" by Dan Shaughnessy, "Let Me Tell You A Story: A Lifetime In The Game" by John Feinstein and Red, and "Cousy" by Bill Reynolds.

Why I like the Tigers in Game Six: "It ain't over till it's over"

1) Tony LaRussa is the most overrated, over-thinking, pretentious manager in the game. His teams, while always winners and hugely talented, continue to find ways to lose the big one. Trust me, they'll choke. And....LaRussa's just so smug.

2) Albert Pujols has apparently applied for a name change with the state of Missouri. He wants to be known as "the surly Albert Pujols", since every article written about him uses this phrase. Guys like that who are perpetually angry with the world worry me. I think about a certain Mr. Albert (ha!) Belle, for example. He broke down physically AND mentally. Actually, Belle never really broke down. He was broke to start with. Though I'm not crazy about those damn trick or treaters always ringing Apartment404's doorbell, either. Little fuckers.

3) The Cardinals are one of the great, historic, and proud franchises. They were the late Jack Buck's team for a long time ("Go crazy, folks! Go crazy!", "I don't believe what I just saw!" -- two of the great calls). Cool uniforms. But I just don't care for 'em. Enos Slaughter and Bob Gibson can go to hell. Cost us two World Series. And their laydown in 2004 took a lot of the drama out of one of the great moments in sports history.

4) Cookie-cutter fans who cheer when told. Are these folks all Mormons or something? They look like robots. Check out Fenway on a summer night: everyone has a different Red Sox hat on. Or has snuck in a "I Don't Particulary Care For Those Yankee Fellows" t-shirt. Or is passed out drunk in an aisle. But Cardinals fans appear to have been given the same hats and shirts at the front gate. Sure, they consistently get big crowds. But I'll take the assholes at Fenway. At least they're our assholes. And real people, not Mormons.

5) If I hear one more time about the greatness that is David Eckstein, I'm gonna fuckin' puke. Should the Cardinals win this thing, sportwriters will mention him as a potential MVP. Bullshit. Any time the Cardinals take the field, the other team is thinking about Pujols first and Eckstein maybe seventh.

6) 83 - 78 teams don't win World Championships.

My name is Mike Nifong and ruining kids lives is my business.

And I ask for your vote in the upcoming election. Have a nice day, Carolina!

This is simply breathtaking:

(Link may not translate)

==================================

From AP Writer Aaron Beard, 10/28/06

Prosecutor Yet to Interview Rape Accuser.

"DURHAM, N.C.(AP) The district attorney prosecuting three Duke lacrosse players accused of raping a woman at a team party said during a court hearing Friday that he and his assistants haven't interviewed the accuser about the facts of the case.

They have only spoken to the woman to monitor her well being, Mike Nifong said, and have left the investigation of the case to police.

"I've had conversations with (the accuser) about how she's doing. I've had conversations with (the accuser) about her seeing her kids," Nifong said. "I haven't talked with her about the facts of that night. ... We're not at that stage yet."

Nifong made the statement in response to a defense request for any statements the woman has made about the case.

"I understand the answer may not be the answer they want but it's the true answer. That's all I can give them," the prosecutor said after the hourlong hearing.

Defense lawyers said outside court that they found Nifong's statement surprising.

"One of the most interesting things to me of course is Mr. Nifong did admit that he in fact has basically never talked to this woman and has absolutely no idea what her story is, and yet he has chosen to continue to go forward with this case," defense lawyer Joseph Cheshire said.

Attorneys for indicted player Dave Evans wrote in a letter to Nifong earlier this month that they believed he had talked with the accuser based on a court motion in which Nifong stated the woman told him she had not taken the drug Ecstasy on the night of the March 13 team party for which she was hired to perform as a stripper.

In response to a claim by a lawyer for an unindicted player, Nifong said he called the accuser to ask her whether she had used the drug.

"She said, 'I've never taken Ecstasy,'" Nifong said. "That was the extent of the conversation because that's all I had to know."

Nifong said he met with the accuser and an investigator on April 11, but didn't discuss details of the case because the woman was "too traumatized." Nifong said the woman didn't make eye contact with him and often seemed on the verge of crying. Their discussion centered around how the case would develop, he said.

"She probably did not speak 15 words during the meeting," Nifong said.

Nifong also turned over more than 1,900 pages of discovery evidence as well as a CD and three DVDs to the defense. The next hearing in the case is scheduled for Dec. 15."

Why Garry Trudeau is overpaid.

Doonesbury has been a national treasure for going on four decades now. Not a day goes by that I don't check out the strip. Trudeau's two newest collections are two of the very best books (yes. books.) published this year, and hopefully will take their rightful place on all the upcoming "Best Books of 2006" that every old school media outlet's going to publish during the Christmas buying season.

I used to think of him as a brilliant man who had to somehow come up with someone or something to satire. Seemed very difficult. A lot of pressure.

But I was wrong. This wide, wide world of sports is just so RIPE. There's so many people that deserve to be skewered. Look at Borat. The man is already a legend for filming what other people say to him. How hard is that? Just go to the local Wal-Mart, pretend you're from Russia, and start filming. People will absolutely give you gems, man. Gems. Without having any clue that they are ridiculous.

So, yeah. Trudeau is overpaid and overrated. What a country.

We Didn't Start the Fire: An exclusive interview with Big Hat Guy and Bald Head Ed

Hankszabo: Hi there dear readers, and hello to two fellas known to many in southern maine, Big Hat Guy and Bald Head Ed. Thanks for making the trip to Apartment404. Hope the walk up those steps didn't wind you too much. Jeez, Ed, you look like you broke quite the sweat. Anyway, let's get right to i...

Bald Head Ed: Ok, first off Mr. Szabo, sorry to interrupt but let's get one thing straight. I am not bald. You know it and I know it.

HS: Hair weave or implants, Ed?

BHE: What? You some kinda smart guy?

HS: Weave job, right?

BHE: I won't tolerate this stuff. I told you before the interview we would not discuss my hair! I'll walk outta here right now, mister....all right, how the hell do you get out of here? Where's the damn front door at?

HS: Then it's implants?

BHE: Yeah...I mean..no. It's a weave.

HS: Now that we have that settled, let's get to the nitty gritty. And I want to thank Big Hat Guy for taking time out of his busy schedule to appear here in Apartment404. Good to see ya, Hat Guy!

Big Hat Guy: Thanks, hank. It's quite the luxurious place you have here. Wow. Is that a stripper pole? Can I try?

HS: Can we just get to the questions? First one: How did you two get interested in law enforcement. Let's give this one to Bald Head Ed.

BHE: Well, actually Hank I was fascinated by fire trucks as a kid. Just loved 'em! Would chase after the durn things whenever they would shoot on by my parent's home, making that siren sound. But as I got older, I found out that fireman do not carry weapons and do not get to indiscriminately beat up poor folks and drunk people. That was it for me. I decided to become a cop and never looked back.

HS: And you, Big Hat Guy?

BHG: I like Big Hats!

HS: That's nice. And for our readers who may someday want to become police officers, what do you two think is the best way to become a local cop?

BHG and BHE (simultaneously): Flunk the State Police Exam!

HS: Election time is coming up rapidly. And we're pretty concerned here at Apartment404 about the threat of terrorism in the state of Maine. What are you two guys doing specifically to keep our fine state safe from evildoers? You first, Big Hat Guy.

BHG: Along with buying fewer oversized hats, we in the department are installing spy cameras throughout the city. Wherever evildoers do evil, we will find them and hunt them down. Especially jaywalking teenagers at that disgrace of a high school, Portland High. They are very high on my list of evildoers. Also, I'm trying to reduce my TiVo time. That'll show the fuckers.

BHE: Down in the southwest part of Maine, we have a lot of potential evildoers to contend with. I personally have performed body cavity searches on dozens upon dozens of these evildoers at the local woman's lockup. They may try hard to hide their evildoing materials, but there's no place these hands can't reach.

HS: Whew. Little too much info, Ed. Continuing. A lot of towns have adopted various marketing campaigns to attract potential homebuyers, and some particular departments have even chosen their own slogans. Have you two guys made any efforts in this area?

BHG: That is a great question, Hank! And yes, we have a slogan that we will roll out in 2007. It's "Portland Police: Because We Can!" Catchy, huh?

HS: And you, Bald Head Ed?

BHE: Now, we may not have the funding to come up with a catch phrase that rolls off the tongue as easily as "Because We Can", but we are working on something I think that young and old alike can get behind. It's "The Patriot Act: Just Try It, Mister!" Good, huh? Cost us $25,000 in marketing fees and massages.

HS: All righty then. Moving on. I've heard that a cop has to literally fail an IQ test to be considered for the force. Is this true, guys?

BHE: No! Definitely not, Hank. No, what you're thinking of is the Ceiling Score that a potential candidate must not exceed to have a chance to join our elite crime fighting unit. It's not failing. It's getting a score lower than the Ceiling Score. Do you understand or shall I explain it again?

HS: Nope. Got it, Ed. Something that we get a lot of e-mails about is, what is the best way to beat the crap out of a perp without leaving any marks or bruises?

BHG: (chuckling) Well Hank, without giving away any trade secrets, I'll fill you in on what I can. Now, everybody knows that bags of oranges are passe ever since "The Grifters" came out about 15 years ago. Right after that film's release, police departments all over the country realized that they had to find a new way of roughing up criminals. For my money, you can't go wrong with the groin area. Now, I'm not saying that you should explode a testicle, because right there you're looking at a potential lawsuit. But if a cop knows what they're doing, and with enough duct tape to keep the scumbag perp from screaming loud enough for the neighbors to hear, a lot can be accomplished in the internal injury department.

HS: Guys, time is running short for tonight. I do want to ask each of you a question that many young folks wonder about. Boxers or briefs?

BHG: For most of the year, I wear flannel longjohns. Except in the summer, since they clash with the white socks and black dress shoes I wear around the house on those hot July afternoons.

BHE: I'm a bikini man, Hank.

HS: There is one thing I'm kind of reluctant to ask you two. It concerns a neighbor of ours. This weird guy next door in Apartment405, he claims that we've got some kind of secret peephole window into his home. But you guys know as well as I do that that would be illegal. Is there any way to reassure this wack job that we don't count how many times he masturbates in a 24 hour period, though it's probably quite a few?

BHG: Well, if you want, Hank, I can stop by the guy's place on my way out and reassure him. He must be right down the hall, huh? I'll make a mental not of it..... OK, done.

HS: That's comforting, Hat Guy. Well thanks for coming by, and we have time for just one additional question. It's really not related to police business, but I'll ask it anyway: If you guys had unlimited funds and could purchase any car, any make at all, what would you buy?

BHG: That's easy. A Miata.

BHE: Yeah, me too. A red one. Most definitely.

HS: Cool. That's all the time we have. Thanks for showing up, fellas. My assistant will show you to the door. Feel free to take some complementary Apartment404 hats, t-shirts, and matchbooks for your families. Bye for now, Apartment404 readers, and have a great weekend.

"El Rushbo, executing assigned host duties flawlessly -- zero mistakes here on the EIB Network."

This is an ad that Michael J. Fox made for a Senate candidate in Missouri.

This is what Rush Limbaugh thought of the ad.

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Edit: 10/26/06 -- From the Today show.

-- Matt Lauer: "If Michael Fox goes out there politically and puts himself in the fray, he has to expect to be, you know, taken to account, correct?"
-- Susan Estrich: "Correct. And he is being taken to account."
He's being "taken to account" for suffering the effects of the medication he takes for contracting Parkinson's? What is wrong with these people? I do not watch tv news and recommend that you do not, either. But I could not pass up posting this shit from MediaMatters.com.

Second Viewing of the Pats/Bills Beatdown

1) Advice to Tom Brady from Petulant Peyton:

"Gosh darn it, Tommy boy. If y'all wanna get the Manning-Money, y'all gotta learn how to celebrate a TD, pardner. Stop congratulatin' your teammates...sorry...supportin' cast... and acting happy and all that. Y'all gotta run off the dag durn field by yourself, like a complete asshole. That's how ya get the Manning-Money and all them oh-so-funny commercials. Know what I mean, pard?"

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2) Chad Jackson can dance! That was a pretty nifty TD celebration, if you ask me, after a sweet grab in the back of the end zone that pretty much busted the game wide open.

Now I love Deadspin.com, but I have no idea what the guy was talking about here:
"The highlight (of the game) was a weird, feet-shuffling Chad Jackson touchdown dance that I really don't know how to describe to you. Imagine Chad Johnson's Riverdance, if he was drunk and wearing socks on a linoleum floor.."

--------------------------------------------

3) Have fun in Hawaii, Ben Watson and Asante Samuel. Hopefully you'll be pretty busy right up until then.

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4) Fifth round draft picks from Cal-Berkeley simply do not play as well as Ryan O'Callaghan.

Another masterstroke by Belichick and Pioli.

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5) The Bills are in big trouble.

Massachusetts legend Dick Jauron apparently has not improved as a head coach since the Bears let him go. Maybe he needed to be a coordinator again for a few years. That's what BB did after Cleveland turned him loose.

One of the NFL's proudest franchises is in deep doo-doo, as Jauron is stuck with a guy who, at least to this point, is clearly not an NFL quarterback. Everybody watching on tv and at the stadium could see the frustration of Losman's teammates. Don't think they believe in this guy at all.

Mail Call, Y'all: "It is well that blogging is so terrible -- we should grow too fond of it."

Let's dive right in....

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--- Q: So what's it really like living in Apartment404, Hank? Lots of wild parties and glamorous women, I assume? -- Stu from Seattle, Washington

--- A: Well Stu, it's really not as glamorous as you might imagine. Really, I think "glamorous" is about the last word I'd use to describe life here for us. In fact, one of our interns actually went so far this morning as to ask a woman out on a real live date...

.....Once her screaming stopped, she was able to regain her composure and call security. That little intern got the hint, though. Cracked up the whole staff but good. We all learned a bit of a lesson: no attempts at dating for anyone who works here at Apartment404. Unh-uh.

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-- Q: Apt404, me and my friends have been wondering why you guys hate cops so damn much? -- Igor from Walpole, Massachusetts

--- A: No reason, just because, I guess.

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--- Q: How does one teach hope? -- Amy from Charlotte, North Carolina

--- A: You can't, Amy. Either you have it or you don't. Jesus, what a stupid question.

--------------------------------------------

--- Q: I've heard a lot about The Patriot Act allowing law enforcement to do pretty much whatever they please.....and I just want you guys to know I'm all for it! 9/11 changed everything! We must catch the evildoers. So, my question is; what are you at Apartment404 doing to help save freedom from those who despise it? -- PatrioticPatty from Hope, Arkansas

--- A: Great question. We at Apartment404 are able to do our fair share of snooping by carving a tiny hole in our shared wall with Apartment405 and installing spy cameras: We watch the fucker next door like a bunch of hawks!

In fact, our staff has a saying on the matter: "We value our privacy...the rest of the world can go shit in a hat."

And you wouldn't believe what kind of a wierdo lives next door to us. Man does the guy like to masturbate! Like every godddamn day, sometime between 8am and midnight (we monitor him closely). Like clockwork. The fuckin' loser has nothing better to do than pleasure himself once a day. Can you imagine being that bored with life that you have nothing better to do than jerk off somewhere in a 15 hour time frame? We laugh our collective asses off every time he rubs one out, then give each other celebratory high fives and big long pats on the back.

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--- Q: To followup on the prior Q/A, hey don't you think it's an invasion of the Apartment405's privacy to watch him 24/7? --- PP again

--- A: What's the big deal? If you have nothing to hide, who cares? We say put a police camera in every goddamn home in the country and we'll find out who's for the US, and who's against us. Goddamn right. We here at Apartment404 have absolutely nothing to hide, given at least two hour's notice.

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--- Q: Does the gang there at Apartment404 have any sort of nickname? -- SickoSadie from Austin, Texas

--- A: Well, now since you ask, yes we do. It's kind of an in-joke. We call ourselves "The Pussy Galore Posse", since we are big 007 fans as well as pygmies, like the original Pussy Posse. Yeah, all of us are under 5 foot 9 inches tall. Shit, now the secret is out. But our dicks are quite sizeable, or so we've been told.

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Q: Do the residents of Apartment404 think they have a well developed sense of humor, or do you just like to make fun of people? -- Mr. S from Kittery, Maine

A: Well, certainly we love to make fun of people. Most of the time of folks who even deserve it.

But really we think we have a hell of a collective sense of humor. For example, this headline always makes us all giggle. Those fuckin' developmentally disabled folks, always asking for handouts: Get a job, looosers and stop living off government handouts! Lazy fucks.

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Q: Do you guys enjoy shoplifting? -- Bill, Seattle, Washington

A: Only from stores where the clerks are snotty to us. So, the answer is, Yes, we enjoy shoplifting.

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Sorry, but that's it for this month's edition of "Mail Call, Y'all". See you next month!

Cliff Notes version of DePalma's "Scarface"

One of several versions.

===========================

Screenplay by a then unknown Oliver Stone. -- Great job!
Robert Easton -- dialogue coach
Howard Hawks -- dedicatee
Jan Kemper -- script supervisor

Cast:

Al Pacino .... Tony Montana (listen close and you can see why the critics made fun of his accent.)
Steven Bauer .... Manny Ribera
Michelle Pfeiffer .... Elvira Hancock (the voice of reason)
Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio .... Gina Montana
Robert Loggia .... Frank Lopez
Miriam Colon .... Mama Montana
F. Murray Abraham .... Omar Suarez (I liked his the best)
Paul Shenar .... Alejandro Sosa
Harris Yulin .... Mel Bernstein
Ángel Salazar .... Chi Chi
Arnaldo Santana .... Ernie
Pepe Serna .... Angel
Michael P. Moran .... Nick The Pig
Al Israel .... Hector The Toad

---------------------------------

The great Roger Ebert, one of the few critics to understand the importance of this film upon it's release in 1983, said "These are the people Tony Montana deserves in his life, and "Scarface" is a wonderful portrait of a real louse." Thanks, ya big fat fuck.

"Percy Faith....Good!": In honor of Bruno Kirby

Part 1 of what we hope to be an ongoing series to spotlight outstanding but generally unsung performances.

=====================================

Everybody remembers the great job Robin Williams did as Adrian Cronauer, but for my money Kirby's Lt. Steven Hauk (ha!) just killed in his role, as the guy belonged in "Catch-22" as much as anything. Also, this was one of the first big roles for Forest Whitaker (It's a long way from Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz to Idi Amin).


Some Memorable Quotes from "Good Morning, Vietnam" - (1987):

Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.

Lt. Steven Hauk: And where you do imagine you're going?
Adrian Cronauer: I'm going to get something to eat.
Lt. Steven Hauk: You ain't got time. You'll stay here and drink instant beverages or something. We promised our viewing audience Nixon highlights by 4:00 PM.
Adrian Cronauer: I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.
Lt. Steven Hauk: That's a joke right? I get it.
Adrian Cronauer: No. I'm actually hungry
Lt. Steven Hauk: Well I'm actually giving you an order.
Adrian Cronauer: Oh it's an order. In that case gentlemen. Let's edit.

Lt. Steven Hauk: First of all, don't make fun of the weather here, and don't say the weather is the same all the time here. Because it's not. In fact, it's two degrees colder today than yesterday.
Adrian Cronauer: Two degrees colder, me without my muff.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Furthermore, you are to stick to playing normal modes of music, not weird stuff. Those who we'd find acceptable here would include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovani...
Adrian Cronauer: ...Percy Faith...
Lt. Steven Hauk: Percy Faith... good!... Andy Williams, Perry Como, and certain ballads by Mr. Frank Sinatra.
Adrian Cronauer: Would Bob Dylan be outta line?

[Lt. Steven Hauk uses Army jargon to refer to a press conference to be given by former Vice-President Nixon]
Adrian Cronauer: Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could end up M.I.A., and then we'd all be put out in K.P.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Where's Crounauer?
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: Still eating, sir.
Lt. Steven Hauk: I want to see him ASAP.
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: What, sir?
Lt. Steven Hauk: As soon as possible.
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: VG sir.

Lt. Steven Hauk: And who gave him permission to play modern music?

Lt Steven Hauk: Yeah. And perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories, for f.un.
Adrian Cronauer: Oh, why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records, that'd be a hoot.
Lt. Steven Hauk: That's a joke, right?
Adrian Cronauer: Maybe.
Lt. Steven Hauk: I get it.

[the audience response to Hauk replacing Cronauer on the radio]
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: Sir, these letters are unequivocal! Uh, e.g.
[reads a letter]
Staff Sgt. Dreiwitz: "Hey, Hauk. Eat a bag of shit. You suck." Now that's pretty much to the point, sir, not much gray area in this one.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency. He did a very off-color parody of former VP Nixon.
General: I thought it was hilarious.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man.
General: Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that could fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple from the son of a bitch and I consider him a good, close, personal friend.

Lt. Steven Hauk: Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?
Dan 'The Man' Levitan: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Why not?
Edward Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.
Lt. Steven Hauk: That is not funny!
Private Abersold: How about if it escalated?
Lt. Steven Hauk: How about if what escalated?
Private Abersold: The Vietnam conflict.
Lt. Steven Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!

============================

Gathered from one of the most valuable sites on the net, IMDB.com.

Your Friends and Neighbors: This is funny?

Alternate Title: "Other people's problems crack me up."

====================================

From prdifferently.typepad.com.

====================================

Here's a small sampling of the comments this whole thing got on prdifferently:


unnnnnn-beeeeeee-lievableeeeeeeeee. seriously, all you can do is laugh! thanks for posting that. i'm linking a few friends now. cheers :)
-hh
Posted by: heidi | July 17, 2006 at 22:26


oh. my. god. I (almost) can't believe it. But I heard the taped proof!
Posted by: Pamela | July 17, 2006 at 23:51


"I didn't know that your paying the bill was contingent on me going out with you again."
Ok, even though I think this guy is way out of line, maybe the ladies out there should really, really insist on paying half when you know you never want to see this guy again. Not because of weirdo's like this guy, because maybe it is the right thing to do. An example of this is buying a drink for a girl at a bar. My friend did this, offered a lady a drink, she accepted, talking to him for about 30 seconds and promptly walked away with her drink. He walked up to her and said something along the lines of 'how dare you?! You know as well as I do that that drink isn't really a drink, it's says I like you would you like to talk and get to know each other better. And accepting the drink is accepting this offer.' And you know what he's right. That is what the drink signifies.
So I guess the question is, what does the custom of the man paying for dinner (at least the first one, if not a few more) signify?
Hmm, maybe some sexist things here but the one thing that jumps out it symbolizes being a provider. It's old school crap but that basically is what it is....
Posted by: guest | July 18, 2006 at 11:09


Would you please forward Darren's personal info to my email address? He sounds like my kind of guy.
Oy.
Posted by: Trix | July 18, 2006 at 12:54


God I'm happy that I'm married.
Posted by: Josh Morgan | July 19, 2006 at 03:16


"The drink does not "signify" anything, "
But yes it does. If not then what is this strange phenomenon of men buying total strangers drinks. "Hi, I'm joe would like a drink? There ya go, thanks come again'. Everything in dating is rituals. Not as primative as they once were, but rituals none the less. I hate to repeat myself but c'mon, you know the man is offering the drink is really saying 'You are attractive to me and I'm making an attempt to get to know you better, are you interested as well?'.
That's what it means plain and simple.
Posted by: guest | July 19, 2006 at 19:26


This sounds like something I saw on People's Court last week.
Posted by: Owen Lystrup | July 19, 2006 at 20:01


Money invariably ruins my relationships with women -- except, of course, where it makes them possible at all.
Posted by: slinkybender | July 20, 2006 at 15:42


Unreal. I am soooo glad that I don't have to date anymore. If I found myself single once again, I think I'd stay that way.
Posted by: Vayacondia | July 20, 2006 at 15:49


Well, as a Jewish person this certainly doesn't do a lot to dispell stereotypes does it. What a fucking loser. Thank god I'm a dyke. We have losers but they are a little less scary.
Posted by: Susan | July 20, 2006 at 16:22


This guy is a complete NARCISSIST and/or MYSOGYNIST!
He probably expects to get laid if he gives a girl a backrub.
Don't give things and expect things in return, Darren. When you don't get those things, going all psycho is NOT ok. Grow UP!
Posted by: ginpoopoo | July 20, 2006 at 17:21


As a former jdater, I've been that girl! I've gone on PLENTY of first dates and let the suitor pay for my portion. However, the difference with me and her is I never offer to go dutch....
Yes, his tactics and "follow-up" are atrocious and completely childish. However, I'm surprised I've never received this sort of treatment---makes me think twice about first dates and my etiquette after .
Bottom line, you have to feel sorry for the guy. He probably has no clue what a psycho he is being and wonders why he can't keep a girl around!!!
Posted by: js | July 20, 2006 at 18:20


Congrats PR guy! You've posted an embellished urban legend that's been going round the internet since 2004. Maybe you and the pro-lifer guy who wrote about that Onion piece can be pen pals.
Posted by: akaria | July 21, 2006 at 01:29


tradition says man pays for woman. this comes i think from the primal instinct that the man should be able to provide food for the woman before she engages with him sexually. her depency on him for bringing her food whilst pregnant is enormous of course. doesn't matter whether she has a high paying job or works for minimum wage. at some point she will physically be unable to provide food for herself and her unborn child. unfortunately, this clashes with the instinct of man, having to impregnate as many women as possible, in order for the race to survive.
feminism has kind off destroyed the rationale behind conventional rules, that is, in the hetero world.
how do gay people do this i wonder? with reason?
i agree with most of what you say, except for guest of course....
Posted by: dutchie | July 21, 2006 at 01:41

======================================

OK. So according to akaria, these phone message and e-mails are complete bullshit. I have no idea if they are real or not. But the people posting assumed they were, and a lot of them seemed to think it was hilarious.

The man leaving the messages and sending the e-mails is an abuser. Past, present, or (guaranteed) future. Physical, emotional, what have you. He isn't funny, and if prdifferently is playing a game, well, then for shame.

The people laughing it up are your, and my, friends (?) and neighbors. That's not exactly comforting.

I'd rather be wrong than be last.

Remember Apartment404 calling UNH possibly the best college football team in New England? Think "Marie Antoinette" was just OK? Like to boo three time Super Bowl Champions? Brag about enjoying "foreign films"?

Well, feel free to let us have it.

The following is a Greatest Hits Album we at Apartment404 have been compiling. Wal-Mart has, to date, refused to stock it due to explicit content, so they can go to hell.

==============================

Tracks and running time:

1) Most Likely You Go Your Way and I'll Go Mine - 3:34
Recorded at CBGBs. Before it shut down, obviously.


2) Monday, Monday - 4:22
Concerns the infamous Carl Monday (not his real name) of Cleveland, Ohio and his love of masturbation. Google or wik him for info.


3) Rock and Roll - 2:45
For the kids. It's all for the kids: teach them well. And Crocs still suck.


4) Amazing Grace - 3:56
Yes, we at Apartment404 can even cover the standards.


5) Fight the Power - 3:00
An angry song sure. And if you aren't angry, you should be.


6) It's a Heartache - 3:51
For the departed Bruno Kirby, who made a great Clemenza.


7) I Wanna Be Sedated - 1:45
Boy, the doctors on Scrubs sure seem trustworthy.


8) Wanted Man - 3:42
I miss that f-----g show.


======================================


You can find more of our greatest hits on iTunes at 99 cents a pop.

Or just send us a stamped, self addressed envelope filled with cash at Apartment404, Portland, ME and we will most definitely media mail you copies of the REALLY good stuff, which we keep in the back room.

"For the tenacious no road is impassable."

This site, even after being up for a year or more, still absolutely cracks me up.

I don't think everybody feels the same way, though.

We like you too, Amy. Not so sure about Ricky, though.

I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence...The Movie

Directed by Jim Abrahams? Michael Gondry? Spike Jonze? Sharon Maguire?

Screenplay by Amy Sedaris, David Sedaris and Stephen Colbert (if he's free).

Starring -- Amy Sedaris. NO fat suits on this one, ok, Amy? You are georgeous, you know it and we know it. This will make you a big, bright, shining star, I tell ya. And no overacting!

Costarring -- As the Partygoers --
--- Stephen Colbert -- Assuming his price can be met. That may eat much of the $10m budget. I hear he's a wicked tough get...and a bit of a pompous ass, from what I've seen of his television show.
--- Jack Black -- Yeah, right. But anything's possible.
--- a Mr. David Sedaris -- Playing a gay humor writer (he can take some Method classes).
--- the "wacky, man killing friend that has an unspoken rivalry with Amy over potential luvers" -- Amy Adams? Parker Posey?

With --
---- Christopher Lloyd -- As some guy Amy meets on the street during her afternoon travels. Let him make up a character. He's brilliant.
---- William Macy can't not be funny. Again, brilliant. (Ok, the budget just got smashed!)

Dolly Grip: Andy Sweeney - Like that's not the third most important job in the making of a fucking movie?

=============================

First Act: Start with a whole lot of "Mrs. Dalloway" (but FUNNY!), as we follow Ms. Sedaris through her preparations whilst taking a fanciful journey through the trappings of her mind.
As the day's prep work is being done, as in "Bridget Jones' Diary", Amy does voiceover using some of the best material from her book. Basically that means having her opening to a random page and....reading. She can't NOT be funny at that.
The party that evening is to be thrown by Amy in honor of her divorce from her loser of a husband, Ricky, to whom she was married in Vegas during some drunken weekend a year or so earlier (...or did she?...).

And you know what that means? Yes, fellas....she's single!!!

Back to the movie....

Throughout the day, Amy does whatever wacky things Amy Sedaris might do in the course of a day. This may be a documentary. Easy shoot. All the while, weird and wonderful things are going on around her, to which she is seemingly oblivious. Amy lives in a universe where there are no rules ("Top Secret"/"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"/"Airplane"/"Amelie"), yet she maintains her "sanity" (cluelessness?) while these strange things are happening during her walk through the streets of Amy's rather bohemian neighborhood by simply not noticing them. Example: She passes a store that sells only nursing bras. Yes, nursing bras.

Another way to play the afternoon could be with Amy talking directly to the camera every now and then, explaining the history of her neighborhood, what her life is like, etc. I saw a great clip of her Letterman appearance on YouTube from a few years back doing the same thing, but this time she would have to meet up with some of the area's unusual "characters", since it won't be 4am. Maybe guys hit on her as she's discussing how to hold the perfect party. Maybe she gets mugged. Maybe she witnesses a mugging. Maybe she meets a German tour group. Anyway...

Amy fills the day with a bit of food shopping ("Notice in local health food stores how unhealthy the people tend to look?"); all the while we're hearing intermittent voiceover samplings from the book: What a Party Means to Me. Something about her family's rather unique history (nothing too depressing, though. Keep 'em laughing, huh, Amy?) The Money Jar. Blind Dates...at home (A sample Sedaris blind date conversation starter: "How do you teach hope?"), visiting with friends. For example, maybe she has a friend dying of AIDS, who treats her kindnesses contemptuously. Amy is not aware of this, as her mind-blowing cheerfullness is often met with scorn by others, to which she is clueless. Etc. Hard to go wrong there.


Second Act: The party is set to begin at 8pm. We see Amy taking a shower. Shaving her armpits, clipping nosehair, that type of stuff. The music could be something by Queen, maybe. Setting the table, putting the finishing touches on the meal, which might be Pastitsio (which Colbert's character will continuously butcher the pronunciation of, obviously.) served with Spanakapita (ditto), Greek Beans, and Tula's Country-style Greek Salad, and white wine. Dessert will be Baked Alaska.

As Amy is a stickler for timeliness, her guests are not allowed into her cramped, stylish, cheerful, yet slightly dusty and decrepit fourth floor walkup (one bedroom, one bath, but a decent sized dining room) until exactly 8 ("Those last fifteen minutes before a party are vital and for me the most enjoyable. I just love that time to myself."), though several are knocking on the door sporadically ten or so minutes prior. We may or may not hear a few tortured cries of hunger coming from outside the door.

The party begins, everyone has a great time, cliches abound, and nothing is resolved. Just some (hopefully) funny banter and scenery chewing. By this time the audience is in such deep like with the movie that they will laugh at anything. Hell, with Sedaris, her brother, Colbert, and possibly Jack Black and Parker Posey you'd just let the cameras roll and they can improvise. I'd watch that.

Final Scene -- Maybe "Ferris Bueller"-like, as Amy tells the camera that you'd better live the life you want, because you only go around once. Of something like that. Obviously, she is brushing her teeth and wearing a bunny suit for pajamas (ears, big feet, the whole deal.)

Yeah, I'd pay to see that.

Patriots v. Bills: T.C.B. Game.

Maroney's first half kickoff return set the tone for the day.

=========================

Buffalo had 9 penalties for 67 yards, lost two fumbles, and Losman threw one interception. For the Pats, Brady was terrific going 18-27 for 195 yards and two scores and Josh Miller was again consistent and good, 6 punts for an average of 47.5 yards. But the key stat is New England going 8 of 15 on third down. Not the greatest percentage, but enough to help put up 28 points with the aid of Buffalo's turnovers.

The defense barely let the Bills breath. And that's as it should be because Losman cannot and will not beat a good D. McGahee is the entire Buffalo offense, and he was kept in check all day pretty much.

Taking Care of Business.

On to Monday night in Minneapolis.

Hemingway: Great Writer. Drank much. Killed self.

Pop Quiz: Which one is the real Hemingway, and which are butchered attempts at Hemingway?

===============================

1) It was a dark cantina. The cantina was dark like the night that falls swiftly during wartime in the Sangre de Cristo mountains. Fred had not thought about the Sangre de Cristo in many years. Maria had been there. Maria and many, many bottles of the sharp, crisp Catenza that the Mexican elders drink in the hot noonday sun.

Why, thought Fred, were so many of them named Maria?

-------------------------------------------

2) "All is ready, Hank", said the Inglese. His name was Derrick, but noone ever called him that. They called him John because no one knew his name was Derrick. Or they called him simply the Inglese for that is what he was.

"Then let us be off" said Hank with the haste of his soul.

Maria checked the bags on the mules. Iron rations, a deck of cards, some prophylactics, bullets for the machina, and several books in the language of the Inglese.

"How long will we be walking, John". There was no answer.

"John?"

"Oh, sorry. Yes we will be walking for a few days. We can ride the mules for a few hours at a time, but that is all".

"Real men don't use prophylactics, John".

There was no answer.

-------------------------------------------

3) Robert Cohn was once middleweight boxing champion of Princeton. Do not think that I am very much impressed by that as a boxing title, but it meant a lot to Cohn. He cared nothing for boxing, in fact he disliked it, but he learned it painfully and thoroughly to counteract the feeling of inferiority and shyness he had felt on being treated as a Jew at Princeton. There was a certain inner comfort in knowing he could knock down anybody who was snooty to him, although, being very shy and a thoroughly nice boy, he never fought except in the gym. He was Spider Kelly's star pupil.

-------------------------------------------

4) The bottle of Tortuga slid across the tilting table and came to rest in a large calloused hand. It was a worn and bitter hand, and it belonged to a worn and bitter man who had not treated it well. There were scrapes along the palm from many miles of rope and scars on the knuckles from many dozens of broken noses. There was a poorly stiched cut running from the thumb to halfway up the massive forearm, a cut made by the teeth of a barracuda. Despite its state, the hand served this man well. He had fought many storms and many enemies, and had won every time. While others were swept off the deck he stood his ground, laughing at the winds and waving the sabre he had taken from a dead carrabinero.

The others on the ship called him "The Cap'n", for he was the captain.

====================================

Numbers 1, 2, and 4 were outright stolen from BadHemingway.com, a priceless website now that the Harry's Bad and Grill Bad Hemingway Contest is no more.

Number 3 is lifted from the opening paragraph of "The Sun Also Rises."

Just as I will never be able to watch Steve Coogan act in a period piece without giggling, the real Hemingway has been ruined by all the sidesplittingly funny contests skewering his...um.....abbreviated and macho style.

"I like to tell people when the final history is written on Iraq, (the current crisis) will look like a comma." -- President Bush on CNN, 9/24/06

Just web surfing on a Saturday night....yes the World Series game sucked.

=================================

Here's a Washington Post article about the first time President Bush's use of the term "comma" became a national issue.

Get Your War On's website. Funny stuff, though a bit unrelenting. Necessary, though.

"You represent the future." -- Sofia Coppola's "Marie Antoinette"

Pauline Kael wrote of Bernardo Bertolucci's "Last Tango In Paris" in 1972, "(You) have altered the face of an art form. Who was prepared for that?" She was wrong about "Paris", though it was a remarkable film. And the "sustained... (and) hypnotic excitement" that awed Kael disappeared almost entirely from movie screens amidst the great flock of blockbusters to come in the second half of the decade.

But she might say the same about Coppola's third, most confident, and boldest film. And possibly be right this time.

=================================

One "Marie Antoinette" --
Start with Malick's "Days of Heaven". Flavor with "William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet". Toss in a twist of "The Madness of King George." Allow Coppola to bake to perfection. Voila! A masterpiece.

---------------------------------------------

With a heavy dose of punk on the soundtrack, no accents in use by the major cast members, and absolutely no guillotines to be seen, the director has chosen to break new ground in the biopic form. For that she was hissed by some in a largely French audience at Cannes. And for that she likely will bring home another Oscar, either for directing or screenplay. If not, or possibly in addition to, DP Lance Acord will win for an astonishingly beautiful vision brought to life.

From the moment Gang of Four rips through "Natural's Not it" while Kirsten Dunst's lovely Antoinette dips her index finger into a waiting cake, then leers at the camera and giggles, you know this one's going to be different. And thank goodness for that.

With a $40m budget, though, "MA" will have to do much better at the box office than expected for Columbia to walk away truly happy. This is not a movie that will bring in large audiences, as the unexpectedness and unusualness of the whole thing will likely keep away many. I wonder if Coppola will ever again be given the amount of funding that "MA" received, should the movie disappoint the studio number crunchers.

Great performances abound in the film, as they always do for Coppola. Dunst proves worthy of carrying the film; playing the Queen of France as a kindhearted, self involved party girl who mostly just wants to have fun. Jason Schwartzman is almost unrecognizable without the usual three days of growth, but nails the most thankless role as Louis XVI, a selfish and boorish King whose lack of interest in the role of governing certainly was a boon to the revolutionaries and whose lack of sex drive caused tongues to wag incessantly at Versailles. As for Steve Coogan's Ambassador Mercy, I apologize for continually expecting him to interrupt whatever he was saying, turn to the camera, and say something hilarious. He better make a lot of movies, because I'll have a hard time forgetting "A Cock and Bull Story." Veterans such as Rip Torn, Judy Davis, and even a very catty Molly Shannon are wonderful.

=============================

From now on, movie lovers may well recall 2006 primarily as the year that Coppola gave us 'Marie Antoinette".

=============================

Edit 10/22/06:
Sorry. It was Gang of Four, not Siouxsie & The Banshees that played over Marie's opening scene.

"Live and let live, but keep outta my way." - The Killer : November Magazine Rack

Blender

Random stuff from and inspired by a pretty cool mag (@ 83 cents an issue it's a deal) --

1) Norwegian Death Metal - the most hated music in the world.
When BOTH Ozzy Osbourne's family and Timbaland hate your sound, you've got nowhere to go. No wonder it never caught on.

2) John Ashcroft - The Music Man
This is a fake website about a real album. Oh God, me head hurt so bad.

3) Marvin Gaye sings the National Anthem at The Fabulous Forum back in '83 - Let's see Ashcroft top that.

4) Sick of this kid already! - Lady Sovereign got 2 1/2 stars from Blender for "Public Warning".

===============================

Details

No...I am NOT gay for reading Details. Fuck you.

From the Details BMI (Bureau of Misc. Info.) --

1) 5,000 -- Number of inmates in Manila who supposedly "volunteered" to have their heads shaved so that the hair could be used to help clean up an oil spill. Yeah, those lifers are always "volunteering" for stuff like that.

2) I dare you -- Heturnedshe.com

3) "Too big" or "too small". Definitely not "just right". -- The first successful penis transplant was detached after two weeks by surgeons because the recipient and his wife claimed "severe psychological problem(s)" with it.

4) I didn't spend a lot of time on the men's photos -- Details asks, "Idol" Face or O-Face?

5) A short interview with Larry King -- Details: "Howz it goin', Lar?" LK: "Probably the happiest I ever was was when the Dodgers won the '55 World Series.....The birth of my daughter - that was a moment." -- OK. So if you're keeping track of the standings, it's 51 year old baseball game Number Uno.....and birth of his child Dos.

============================

Vanity Fair

1) "Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Man, I sure hope so, based on a dishy piece about "The Luce Family War." Here's the headline for the Vicky Ward story: "At 81, Leila Hadley Luce, widow of Time, Inc. heir Henry Luce III, is being sued for sexual abuse. In exclusive interviews, Luce, her daughters, and her granddaughter chart the disintegration of a family, in which money, madness, and drugs led to charges of attempted rape, incest, and betrayal." Yikes. The article paints an aged and deteriorating Leila Luce as quite the monster. Her kids discuss basically being pimped out by their mother to the creepy Henry, among other disturbing accusations. And Mrs. Luce presents as coldhearted and remorseless, excusing the allegations with the following quote: "(W)hat I was 30 years ago I am not now. All my life I have evolved. Have I done things of which I am not proud? Yes, I have. But I had a nervous breakdown." As noted by her children, Luce uses the word "I" an inordinate amount of the time (seven times in the above five sentences.) I pity her children.

2) "Red State Babylon" -- An article by James Wolcott discussing the hypocrisy of the whole Red State="Values" States myth.
-- States with the highest incarceration rate (as of 2003): 1) Louisiana 2) Mississippi 3) Texas
-- States with the most executions in 2004: 1) Texas 2) Ohio 3) Oklahoma
-- States with the highest rates of death by firearms in 2003: 1) Arkansas 2) Louisiana 3) New Mexico 4) Wyoming 5) Nevada 6) Alabama etc etc
-- States with the highest divorce rate in 2004: 1) Nevada 2) Arkansas 3) Wyoming 4) Idaho 5) West Virginia 6) Alabama 7) Kentucky 8) Oklahoma 9) Tennessee 10) Florida
-- States with the highest illegitimacy rates in 2003: 1) New Mexico 2) Louisiana 3) Mississippi
-- States with the highest rates of obesity: 1) Mississippi 2) Alabama 3) West Virginia 4) Tennessee 5) Louisiana .....Apartment404 didn't make this list since we are not considered a "state" by the federal government. We're working on that, though.

3) more Red State bashing - from "The REAL America - our Red-State Appeasement Section" --
"Rising fast in Petersburg, Kentucky, just outside Cincinnati, is the $25 million Creation Museum, due to open next year. Visitors will be able to see a 40-foot-tall re-creation of a section of Noah's Ark and stare into the jaws of robotic dinosaurs. In one dramatic presentation, two paleontologists, working on the same dino fossil in the very same field, will come to dramatically different assessments of the age of the bones -- and radically different views about the origins of our planet and of the human race. How will they resolve the question? Well, just go next door, to the Bible Authority Room, where, we are assured by the Web site, "'Paul explains God's authoritative word, and [proves that] everyone who rejects His history -- including six-day creation and Noah's Flood -- is 'willfully' ignorant."

Some More Completely Unsolicited Ideas: Continuation of the Louis-Dreyfus Affair

Going gainst legal council, Apartment404.blogspot.com has decided to send these potentially humorous ideas out into the internets many tubes. Godspeed.

-----------------------------------------

1) Story Idea - Christine develops an online shopping addiction at a new internet auction site, ePile.com. She buys dozens of items that strike her fancy (and cost less than $30 apiece): t-shirts, low end jewelry (which of course she never wears), books (that will never be read), etc. After bidding on and winning a Mariah Carey - Hawaii Concert 1998 t-shirt, she decides she doesn't want to purchase the item, and through a series of increasingly frantic e-mails, finds out just how much find shopping online can be.

E-mail #1:
From: ChristineFillinLastNameHere@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
Dear Mr./Mrs. Shed: I recently mistakenly bid on and won a Mariah Carey Hawaii Concert 1998 t-shirt. Since you don't accept online payments through BuyBuddy (as most vendors do), I would rather not go through with the purchase. Thank you.

(Christine: "I mean, it's a huge hassle to write a check, go to the post office, buy a stamp, lick it, and mail the sucker. You know, I don't have any idea how anybody got anything done before the internet." Richard: "I think it was mostly Pony Express.")

E-mail #2:
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
To:ChristineX@yahoo.com
I can't delete your order and will expect payment. I am sorry because I know that you may have made a mistake, but I will need payment or I'll have to open a dispute against you with the ePile eTransaction Security Team. Thanks and have a nice day!

E-mail #3:
From: ChristineRoe@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
The reason I do not wish to purchase your t-shirt is that you do not accept BuyBuddy, the internet's fastest growing method of online payment. If this is enough for you to "open a dispute" against me, then fire away, Mr./Mrs. Shed. I will not be paying for this item.

E-mail #4:
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
To: ChristineFileNotFound@yahoo.com
I don't know if you understand how ePile works. You already purchased my item. You just refuse to pay. When you bid on and win an item you enter into a kontract (Christine: "They spelled contract with a k."). I will be opening a dispute but I have to wait 7 days. Just so you know with these disputes, they can get you kicked off ePile. You can look it up in the rules and policies. You have a nice day. (Christene: "I'm beginning to think they're being sarcastic with this 'have a nice day' crap.")

E-mail #5:
From: ChristineLavigne@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
Will you kick me off the internet, too? If you look at my profile, you will see that I have never had a problem with a seller, until you. If you decide that two minutes of retyping so that your t-shirt can be resold is too much of a burden, then I will be forced to sue you and yours for "being a general jackass." You can expect to hear from my attorney within the week. Good day, sir/maam.

(After typing up this last e-mail, Christine looks up from her pc screen wearing a large, satisfied grin. Richard exhales loudly and asks "How much would the t-shirt cost you, Christene?" C: "Six fifty. But it's the principal." R: "You're a rather sad woman. You know that, don't you?" C: (looking down dejectedly): "Yeah, I know."

E-mail #6:
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
To: MissChristine@yahoo.com
Wow, you are a real wise ass. I have not had a problem with a buyer....until you. I know you were probably just being a smartypants (C: "smartypants?"), but just in case you really are that dumb, no, I won't be the one who kicks you off the internet. I take it the reason you are mad is because you are not familiar with ePile's rules. So you take out your ignorence on me. (Christine: "He spelled ignorance with two e's, for crying out loud.") I will be opening the dispute because ePile charged me a fee when you WON the Mariah Carey t-shirt, and the only way to get them to reimburse me is to file a dispute. Also, since you like to assume the person you are talking to is dumber than yourself, for your information, smartypants, I happen to have a high school diploma AND a college diploma, too. Also, I read things before I bid on them, which if you did you would've noticed before you won that I don't accept BuyBuddy. I didn't do anything but list an item for sale. You won the item and not refuse to pay me my six dollars and fifty cents. Yet you are mad at me. You tire me with this nonsense. I'll be opening that dispute in seven days! Thank you. (Christine: "OK, THAT time I KNOW he was being sarcastic with the "Thank you.")

E-mail #7:
From: TheChristine@yahoo.com
To: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile.com
(When reading this e-mail which she has painstakingly written to Richard, Christine frequently looks up to him from her computer, seeking his approval. He simply stares back with a pained, somewhat annoyed, expression.)
T minus 168 hours and counting until I get kicked off the internet! Hey Shed, which community college did you say you got your associates degree from? Was it in, say, marketing? Or communications? Making mountains out of molehills is what you've been doing. I give up. I'd be glad to reimburse you for the ePile fee. Was it more or less than a quarter? Good day, sir/madam!

E-mail #8: (the last in a series)
From: TheCollectiblesShed@ePile,com
To: ThatBitchChristine@yahoo.com
Dear Miss Smartypants: My degree happens to be in Food Science from Bob Jones University in the great state of South Carolina. You know, I feel sorry for anybody that comes in contact with you in their everyday life. I'm sure you'll give me some smartalecky reply, but you should learn to take responsibility for your own actions. You won the Mariah Carey Hawaii Concert 1998 t-shirt, not me. You found me, I didn't find you. So pay up.


Later on, Christine is looking through TheCollectiblesShed's online store at ePile. Christine (to Richard): "Listen to this...this Shed character is trying to sell a current Ruby Tuesday Restaurant Menu.....and it's listed under "Memorabilia."
Richard: "God...how our standards as a nation have fallen. (pause) How much are they asking for it?" Christene: "Two bucks." Richard (nodding): "Not a bad deal."

==============================

2) Matthew needs a job.

Before he gets a job and since we know little about him, I will attempt to fill in some gaps.

Backstory -- Having graduated with a degree in psychology (Matthew NEVER studied, using his very, very good memory to slide by with mostly B-'s and C's.....though he did have an affair with one moderately attractive teacher, who ultimately gave him a B+, his highest grade in four years) from Cal-Santa Cruz ten years prior to moving in with his big sister Christine. Since graduating, Matthew has held a steady stream of unrewarding and unchallenging positions, first using his degree to get several entry level jobs in social services, then moving on to other fields such as meat inspection, part-time bartending, and lastly and most degradingly, nude model at an online art school, which advertised heavily on the back of matchbox covers. Lately Christine has pushed him to stop living the life of a "squatter" in her home and get back out there and "get a god damn job..."

For what it's worth: Matthew would like it noted that he was one of the few UCSC students to prefer the original "Sea Lions" nickname to "Banana Slugs", of which Cal-Santa Cruz is famous for.

Matthew, notwithstanding his intense dislike of most people he meets, slowness of stride, and generally sarcastic tone, has surprisingly chosen to try his hand at being a waiter at the local steak house. He first shift is on a Wednesday, usually a moderately busy day, as the manager wants to break him in slow. Matthew works a 7 hour shift, makes $124 in tips, then sleeps until 11:30am the next morning.

And so it goes. (Is this too much information?)

Christine has decided to take Ritchie and her ex, Richard, to dinner at Matthew's place of employment Friday evening in order to bolster his confidence as well as leave a big tip. New Christine has chosen not to attend to protest the slaughtering of cows for dining pleasure. Richard seems to not have a problem with eating huge slabs of beef (----> potential future crisis?).

As the group is seated by the hostess, Matthew approaches his sister and the others with a look of fatigue mixed with bewilderment. Christine: "Hey....howz it goin'?" Matthew: "You know that commercial where the guy works with a bunch of monkeys?" (slight pause while Matthew leans down closer to Christine and whispers loudly) "I think I may be one of the monkeys."

The group orders, with Richard taking special pleasure in asking pointedly detailed questions about the evenings specials: caloric content, freshness of produce in the salads, etc. The meal proceeds, with Matthew obviously in agony at the entire situation, but with Christine wearing a forced smile, for both Ritchie and her baby brother's benefit. Again, Richard is enjoying the entire uneasy situation.

Upon finishing, Christine, Ritchie and Richard head towards the door, but not before Christine asks Matthew, again, how he's doing. Matthew: "My life has been weird for a long time. Extreme uncomfortableness is actually a step up."

=============================

3) Funny image - Christine, who as has been pointed out in prior episodes, is not much for neatness, decides to clean her home. While listening to either Bill Haley and the Comets "Rock Around the Clock" or "Jungle Love" by Morris Day(whichever is cheaper to acquire the rights to), JLD could easily fills about 90 seconds with whatever cleaning moves she comes up with: perhaps vacuuming the carpet with one hand while dusting higher up with the other, grooving to the music (yes, she CAN dance).

=============================

4) Some throwaway lines -

Matthew or Richard (to Christine): "You mean like your hair back in...oh....1991?"
Christine: "Hey....it was the....early 90s....you had to be there. It was kind of like the 60s...only I can remember all of it."
Matthew/Richard: "That's the real tragedy."


Christine: "Actually, Matthew, I'm quite proud of you for not getting some girl pregnant and having some kid that might have wound up unwanted."
Matthew: "Yeah....thank God my right hand never developed the ability to reproduce."


Matthew: (after just getting the above mentioned job) "Well, now I can get that chopper I've had my eye on."


Matthew (to Christine): "See Christine....Good things DO happen to bad people."
Christine: (smiling and looking at the floor) "Yeah...thanks."

================================

"The Departed".....

....is without a doubt the best movie of 2006 thus far, though Aronofsky and even Coppola will have their at bats soon enough.

(Spoiler Alert: If you haven't seen it, stop reading. The plot twists are crucial to enjoying this one.)

It deserves two Oscars right off the bat:

Best Legit Boston Accents Ever, esp. Damon and Wahlberg (um...not a surprise) as well as Martin Sheen.

Alec Baldwin plays Alec Baldwin, winningly, with no accent. Matt Damon makes claim as the (and I'm not kidding) best actor of his generation with this role. Wahlberg, well, let's just say that getting a great role in a Scorcese picture is a far cry from that stupid "Planet of the Apes" remake that Tim Burton butchered. Great fucking job by both. And Martin Sheen can apparently act a bit. Who knew? (Yes, that's s-a-r-c-a-s-m) His "flight" towards the end of movie blew me away, and was the turning point from the intense humor of the first half to the massive bloodletting in the last hour that is a Scorcese trademark.


Second Oscar: Best Use of Cellphones as a Plot Device. Ever.

Hands down.

------------------------------------

And that's without mentioning the amazingly intense Leonardo DiCaprio. Guess the man knew what he was doing with his career, post-Titanic (as has Kate Winslet, for that matter). He is at the pinnacle. Maybe the biggest movie star in the world.

The Killer kills The Killers

"The Killers" long awaited cd, "Sam's Town", arrived recently. Definitely worth the money. Good job.

Why does everybody insist that these guys are the next U2 or even are doing a Bruce imitation? For Christ sakes, their sound is straight out "The Cure", a great band back in the 80's. Sure, "The Cure" had hair issues (...it WAS the 80's), but Robert Smith and Brandon Flowers sound like brothers. And that's a good thing. A very nice sophomore effort by "The Killers."

-------------------------------------

Also in stores is Jerry Lee Lewis "Last Man Standing". Whatever you may think about "The Killer" and his personal life, the man is part of Rock 'n Roll history, and always will be.

This cd is pretty damn terrific. The reviews have been positive, if understated.

It's better than it's being given credit for. Though a few run throughs may be required to appreciate "Last Man Standing", trust me, it's worth it.

The first track, a cover (they're all covers) of Zeppelin's "Rock and Roll" absolutely rocks and rolls. Awesome. Other standouts of the 21 songs (you git yer money's worth, that's fer sure) are Neil Young, Ringo (surprisingly, with a nice job on "Sweet Little Sixteen"), Kid Rock, a beautifully voiced Willie Nelson, and Don Henley, though you really can't go wrong on this one. Every track is good.

"Me, Me, Me...I, I, I": The Michael Vick story, as told by Michael Vick

On Wednesday's "Inside The NFL", the not-young-anymore Falcons QB Michael Vick, now in his sixth season, managed to throw his coaching staff and entire receiving corps under the bus, while declaring "I'm up there, too" when interviewer Cris Carter asked about his place among contemporary stars Tom Brady, petulant Peyton Manning, and Donovan McNabb.

Um, no you're not, Michael. Not at this point. Brady has three rings, McNabb has multiple NFC title game appearances plus a Super Bowl loss, and the petulant one has helped lead his Colts team deep into the playoffs for years now. The Falcons made that one NFC title game, with no postseason success since.

You are what you are.

===============================

Here's what Vick has to say...

On taking so many hits: "I gotta protect myself....(Can't continue) taking 24 hits..." - Do all QBs know how many times they've been knocked down each Sunday? That seemed a bit weird, but Vick was just getting warmed up.

On wanting to throw the ball more despite having the lowest ranked passing game and just about the best running attack in the NFL: "I feel like I can about do it all....(T)he game is easier (throwing the ball)....You gotta be given the support. - Hold on, there's a shot across Coach Mora's bow, as well as his teammates. Poor Micheal Vick gets no support, at least in his mind.

On playing for, and having his greatest successes under, Coach Reeves - "I was among the top 15 passers in the NFL." - Again, it seems that QB's who memorize their own stats are doing a disservice to the team concept. He didn't mention that he is 27th in QB Rating this season, but you can bet he's aware of the numbers.

Michael Vick on what a special player Michael Vick is: "It's not hard for me to make plays in the passing game." - Um...why don't you then?

On not being allowed to check off at the line of scrimmage by Coach Mora and his staff - Checking off "would take a lot more work...a lot more study." - So Vick thinks that IF he is given more responsibility, THEN he'll get to the Falcons film room earlier. But not BEFORE. Not a good sign.

On his receiving corps (mainly Crumpler and White at TE, Dunn at RB, and Jenkins and Lelie at WR. plenty of high picks, plenty of talent, seemingly): "Somebody has to step up at some point." - Another major shot at the Falcons, but this time it's aimed at the guys who need to work the hardest to make Vick look good, along with the line. This is another bad sign....

....Which leads to Carter asking about Vick's desire to throw to the premier wideouts in the league, like Moss (?), Harrison, etc.: "I always think about that." - Well I guess since you already admitted to not working hard prepping for the game because the coaches don't trust you, there's plenty of time to daydream about a receiving corps of Winslow at TE, with Moss and Owens at receiver. Man, are you gonna be a popular guy in the Falcons locker room after this airs.

And finally, on Vick's desire to be recognized as a great QB: "I do want people to recognize me as a complete QB." - Well, you're a bit of a complete something. Maybe not QB.

How about completely self absorbed.

Just win, baby. Al Davis certainly got that right.

==============================

Vick is clearly still a work in progress. Five years in the league have led to hours of jaw dropping plays, but what has Atlanta won? That is all that a great QB is measured by and if Michael Vick wishes to be considered among the greats, then he should be measured by the same standards.


Falcons Record since acquiring Vick - and yes, I'm aware he's often not in the lineup, but if you don't think that durability is a talent, then you haven't been paying attention.

2001 7 9 0 4th NFC West --
2002 9 6 1 2nd NFC South -- Won Wild Card Playoffs (Packers), Lost Divisional Playoffs (Eagles)
2003 5 11 0 4th NFC South --
2004 11 5 0 1st NFC South -- Won Divisional Playoffs (Rams), Lost Conference Championship (Eagles)
2005 8 8 0 3rd NFC South --
2006 3 2 0 3rd NFC South --

"And their ghosts may be heard as they march by the billabong, Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me?"

Dear President Bush --

Please bring home our troops.

US and Coalition Deaths as of 10/18/06 - 3,020
US and Coalition Non-mortal Casualties as of 10/18/06 - 44,779

=============================

And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda -- by Eric Bogle

Now when I was a young man I carried me pack
And I lived the free life of the rover.
From the Murray's green basin to the dusty outback,
Well, I waltzed my Matilda all over.
Then in 1915, my country said, "Son,
It's time you stop ramblin', there's work to be done."
So they gave me a tin hat, and they gave me a gun,
And they marched me away to the war.

And the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As the ship pulled away from the quay,
And amidst all the cheers, the flag waving, and tears,
We sailed off for Gallipoli.
And how well I remember that terrible day,
How our blood stained the sand and the water;
And of how in that hell that they call Suvla Bay
We were butchered like lambs at the slaughter.
Johnny Turk, he was waitin', he primed himself well;
He showered us with bullets, and he rained us with shell --
And in five minutes flat, he'd blown us all to hell,
Nearly blew us right back to Australia.
But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
When we stopped to bury our slain,
Well, we buried ours, and the Turks buried theirs,
Then we started all over again.
And those that were left, well, we tried to survive
In that mad world of blood, death and fire.
And for ten weary weeks I kept myself alive
Though around me the corpses piled higher.
Then a big Turkish shell knocked me arse over head,
And when I woke up in me hospital bed
And saw what it had done, well, I wished I was dead --
Never knew there was worse things than dying.
For I'll go no more "Waltzing Matilda,"
All around the green bush far and free --
To hump tents and pegs, a man needs both legs,
No more "Waltzing Matilda" for me.
So they gathered the crippled, the wounded, the maimed,
And they shipped us back home to Australia.
The armless, the legless, the blind, the insane,
Those proud wounded heroes of Suvla.
And as our ship sailed into Circular Quay,
I looked at the place where me legs used to be,
And thanked Christ there was nobody waiting for me,
To grieve, to mourn and to pity.
But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As they carried us down the gangway,
But nobody cheered, they just stood and stared,
Then they turned all their faces away.
And so now every April, I sit on my porch
And I watch the parade pass before me.
And I see my old comrades, how proudly they march,
Reviving old dreams of past glory,
And the old men march slowly, all bones stiff and sore,
They're tired old heroes from a forgotten war
And the young people ask "What are they marching for?"
And I ask meself the same question.
But the band plays "Waltzing Matilda,"
And the old men still answer the call,
But as year follows year, more old men disappear
Someday, no one will march there at all.
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda.
Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?
And their ghosts may be heard as they march by the billabong,
Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me?

"The Few Dentures of Mold Pristine": Completely Unsolicited Idea(s)

First of all, let's get the legal shit out of the way:

When submitting your feedback to this site, please do NOT submit any story, plot or character ideas, or any copyrightable material whatsoever relating to any Apartment404.blogspot.com post, or any ideas or suggestions for new posts ("Unsolicited Ideas"). Apartment404's policy is to steal all Unsolicited Ideas. By using this service you agree that any Unsolicited Ideas you do submit shall be deemed the sole property of Apartment404.blogspot.com, and you hereby transfer and assign all rights with respect thereto, including, without limitation, copyright, to Apartment404.blogspot.com. For more information, see the Terms of Service agreement you virtually signed by logging in to Apartment404.blogspot.com.

©MMVI, Apartment404.blogspot.com

=================================

Not that I want to get into any legal pissing contests, but my law firm of Casey, Rand and Kaufman LLC requires me to protect myself from copyright infringement. Blogging is a dirty but lucrative business, and I do not want ANYONE profiting off my blood, sweat, and tears. Emails can be sent to Colleen_Casey@CaseyRandKaufman.com.

So we're good, then?

==============================
==============================

The "Idea". Actually, it's just a couple of things that drive me friggin' nuts, and if you threw them together, they might add up to 22 minutes. Or damn close:

-----------------------------------------

Stupid, often indecipherable vanity plates and idiotic, senseless, and out of date bumper stickers. Now that's just gold right there.

The "Pristine" character is going to be in a car for quite a bit of this episode, along with, of course, her little bro, Matty and possibly even her ex, Rick, too.

(aside - There is a classic "Seinfeld" episode, The Puerto Rican Day Parade, that had the cast in a car for much of the time, so this can be done. If you haven't seen this episode on reruns lately, blame the PR's and their massive PR machine.....the bastards.)

Anyway, Chr....I mean, Pristine has a bunch of errands to run (why are Matty and Rick there? Hell if I know. This is just a treatment, not a script. They're THERE. So there. I'll think of something.) before picking up little Rickey, her son, after school lets out. And they're running a bit late.

But Pristine being Pristine,well, she can't leave well enough alone: an ugly, boxy Volvo station wagon runs over a squirrel (do they even have squirrels in LA? if not, whatever cute little animals that can be run down will do, though certainly not a dog or cat), and she decides to take the law into her own hands by apprehending the Volvo driver, or at least forcing them to pay funeral expenses.

Despite the protest of the two males, she gives chase. And notices that the perp's license plate reads "DECOR8R". This leads to a discussion with the dry and droll Matty and the bemused Rick about why...

----a) an interior decorator would have a damn vanity plate in the first place - how gauche.

----b) an interior decorator would be driving an ugly car like one of those boxy Volvo wagons -
Discuss other ugly and/or crappy, overpriced cars like Saabs, while obviously not mentioning any current or potential sponsers of any and all Blogspot.com blogs or future television shows.

----c) just why in THE HELL the decorator's ugly car has a "Free Tibet" bumper sticker?
Do these people think the Chinese are going to be looking through their satellite images, see X number of rich Americans with these stupid, senseless things on their gas guzzlers and say to themselves "We can't win! They will overwhelm us with their bumper stickers! The capitalist system is the only true economic system, and we are so sorry for our invasion and oppressive, puppet regime!"

----d) why the Volvo has another bumper sticker reading "Grey Davis for Gov. of California: He's a winner!" or whatever catchphrase the ex-gov used in his last campaign. -
Grey was booted in 2003, and Pristine is vocal to her passengers about her longstanding belief that bumper stickers kept past their expiration date should be scraped cleanly off the car as mandated BY CALIFORNIA LAW. (But doesn't everyone just HATE tearing those suckers off? It always scrapes the paint. Though you sure as hell don't want a Pete Wilson Rules! sticker on your auto in 2006 California. If only for the comfort of fellow motorists. And that is why Pristine is CONSIDERING adding a "Hillary: 2008" sticker to her auto.)

Anyway, Pristine follows the evildoer through the side streets of LA, while repeatedly voicing her concern that "let's hope the sucker stays off the freeway! 'cuz we'll lose her!". Unable to catch up because those Volvo's can really haul, as well as the nasty LA traffic, Pristine becomes increasingly frantic, giving Dick grief about some long lost pet he may or may not have had a hand in "offing" (her word, not his): "Daphne, you will be avenged!"

She also wonders about discarding excess weight to increase their speed: "What in this car do we not REALLY, REALLY need?" Matty and Dick simply look at each other.

(What is that, maybe 10 minutes of material? Jesus, this is hard. Maybe those sitcom writers have a more difficult job than I thought.)

OK. So the as they continue to chase the Volvo, Matty shows off his shockingly detailed knowledge of some very important auto safety features invented by Volvo engineers (a company which just happens to be owned by a little concern known as Ford Motors, so sucking up may be a good idea.):

1959 - Three-point safety belts in the front
1984 - Anti-lock braking system
1987 - Driver airbag
1994 - Side airbags
2002 - Development of the virtual pregnant crash test dummy - (aside: Now THAT'S FUNNY)
2004 - Water Repellent Glass (aside: I thought ALL glass was water-repellent?)

Pristine: "How the HELL do you know all that, Matty?"
Matty: "You think all my computer time is spent on porn, don't you? Wikipedia rules, sister."

(15 minutes...maybe? Shit, how long are the credits. Maybe some hilarious bloopers, like they did on that Tim Allen show, could fill some a couple minutes.)

So the Volvo eventually works its way on to the freeway, and Pristine and company are distraught. Well, maybe just Pristine. But they know the plate, and she calls 911. The operator asks "What is the nature of your emergency, maam?" Pristine, with that scrunchy faced look: "Um...a hit and run on a squirrel....?"

=================================

Loose ends:

Will Rickey ever make it home?

Will Matty use his incredible memorization powers for good.....or for evil?

Will Rick ever figure out why he is in the car in the first place (what...I have to think of everything?)?

=================================

Remember bloggers and lurkers, Casey, Rand and Kaufman LLC is ready to nail your ass to the wall if you steal my idea.

Expected compensation: EXACTLY the same as Stephen Colbert's appearance fee for "Night of Too Many Stars."

And not a penny less.

=================================

You stay classy, Isiah.....

Isiah Thomas, still a dick.

Here ripping the always entertaining and insightful NBA analyst, former NCAA champ, as well as longtime NBA point and reportedly good guy Greg Anthony. Renaldo Blackman's upside is a 10 point and 5 rebound guy who has all the....uh....intangibles. By contrast, Danny Ainge got Rajon Ronda at #21 (the VERY NEXT PICK), and Rondo will almost undoubtably appear in the rookie/sophomore game All Star weekend and have a good to great career in the league. Although we all know that exhibition success doesn't always lead to stardom (C's fans may recall Brad Lohaus).

Got, I dislike intensely this Mr. Thomas. He killed off the CBA, held back the Pacers for years, ripped the greatest forward of all time (apparently he was both sneering and laughing when he dissed Bird after that particular Game 7). Not a stand up guy, and from what I've read over the years, his skull can barely contain his ego.

It certainly was a great story: Awesomely talented, tiny point guard from the mean streets of Chicago's South Side makes good due to a loving mother and (some) supportive siblings.

But at this point in the game, as Bill Parcells always says, "You are what you are."

And Isiah is a HOF player who has been a complete and total disaster during his career in management. It's that simple.

Take THAT, old school media!

This is what a great blog looks like.

I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't shower or shave....I just YouTube.

This person is a god. Maybe not THE god, but certainly A god, just like Phil Conners.

Check it out.

=============================

About fifteen or so years ago I went to visit a friend down in Manhattan. I had heard that a new Museum of Television and Radio had just opened up, and was extremely excited to visit. Having made no prior arrangement, I simply showed up bright and early one morning.

What I expected was not what I found. The staffer at the front desk told me that appointments to view videos must be made well in advance, and that I was out of luck as far as seeing...say.....Jim's driving test from "Taxi", "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly" from WKRP, the MASH documentary episode, Sammy Davis, Jr kissing Archie, etc. etc. All stuff that has a special place in my heart (yeah, I watched a lot of damn tv as a kid in the 70's).

Well, the day has finally come (I know, I know, the internet is over a decade into it's mature stage, but YouTube has only been around a short time). The mountain has come to Mohammad, so to speak. As I sit here typing away at my iMac, I have access to so many hundreds of memorable, historic scenes, stuff that makes me giggle so hard I feel my throat tightening up, causing tears to appear in my eyes (yes, I cry when I laugh really hard. and yes, that's weird). I mean really, I cannot imagine NOT nearly asphyxiating of laughter whenever I hear the phrase "What......does.......a......(looks down)...yellow......light.....mean?"

Not that I hear that phrase a lot. But still.

Borat. Is. Coming.

Where did he get his inspiration from? Possibly the late, great Intergender Wrestling Champion of the World.

I want my YouTube (so hands off, Google)!!!!!

What would we do without YouTube?

No more "I didn't say that"s.

The View: Rosie kicks some ass....and Elizabeth Hasselbeck channels a little Archie Bunker in seriously suggesting that we as a nation should arm teachers. Had no idea, since I don't watch the show, that she was so nutty. Those statistics she cited? What the hell is she talking about? They are simply made up, I'm sure.

You're a lucky man, Tim Hasselbeck.

-----------------------------------

Edit 10/25/06 --

Poof! Gone, just like that. Thanks, Google.

"That's basically the modus operandi...." : Mackris v. O'Reilly, Chevalier, et al

Source Material: The Smoking Gun's copy of Andrea Mackris' Sexual Harassment Complaint as well as "The O'Reilly Factor For Kids: A Survival Guide for America's Families; Your Private Life: Sex."

Segued by Maurice Chevalier's (creepy) rendition of "Thank Heaven for Little Girls", from "Gigi".

===============================

Bill, in his book, discussing the maturation of young women:
"Sure, you're shoulders are getting broader, your breasts are becoming more prominent...."

Chevalier:
"Thank heaven for little girls
for little girls get bigger every day!"

Bill, as quoted by Andrea Mackris in her complaint:
"You would basically be in the shower then I'd want to take a shower with you right away.....and you'd definitely get two wines into you as quickly as I could get 'em into you....and then I would come in...and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda' soap up your back....rub it all over you....and I would put it around front, kinda' rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard....'cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel (sic) thing and....."

-----------------------------------

from "The O'Reilly Factor For Kids":
"At a very upscale high school near my house [on Long Island], girls are teased mercilessly if they haven't had sex."

Chevalier:
"Thank heaven for little girls
they grow up in the most delightful way!"

from Mackris', re a dinner O'Reilly attended with Mackris and her female friend:
"O'Reilly repeatedly propositioned the women...suggesting that the three of them 'go to a hotel together and have the time of (their) lives....' O'Reilly further suggested that the women needed to be trained so they'd be equipped and ready to go when 'a real man shows up in your lives', and offered 'lessons'.

----------------------------------

Big Bill:
"Here's another smart thing to consider: whatever you do, don't give the details to your friends. That is a betrayal of trust. I don't care if it was the best sex of your life (At your age, that isn't going to mean much, is it?)."

Frenchy:
"Those little eyes so helpless and appealing
one day will flash and send you crashin' thru the ceilin'"

Mackris:
"O'Reilly, without solicitation or invite, regaled Defendant and her friend with stories concerning the loss of his virginity to a girl in a car at JFK, two 'really wild' Scandinavian airline stewardesses he had gotten together with, and a 'girl' at a sex show in Thailand who had shown him things in a backroom that 'blew (his) mind.'"

---------------------------------

From "For Kids":
"Here's one more smart thing you should think about: as you will learn for yourself after a couple of casual sexual experiences, it can be a real bore if you do not, as the old song says, 'love the one you're with.'"

Maurice again:
"Thank heaven for little girls
thank heaven for them all,
no matter where no matter who
for without them, what would little boys do?"

Mackris: re a Bill phone call.
"Defendant had (a vibrator) 'shaped like a cock with a little battery in it' that a woman had given him. It became apparent that Defendant was masturbating as he spoke. After he climaxed...O'Reilly said to Ms. Mackris: 'I appreciate the fun phone call..."

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From Bill O'Reilly's informative tome:
"I didn't have sex until I was twenty years old! Can you believe it? I was kind of a shy guy around girls, and I had absolutely no 'moves'. At the time I thought I was some kind of a loser. But then I started to see the consequences of other people's choices. More than one of the guys I grew up with ruined his life, and the lives of others, because he had irresponsible sex."

Gigi:
"Thank heaven....thank heaven....
Thank heaven for little girls!"

Macklis:
"O'Reilly vehemently threatened with words to the effect: 'If any woman ever breathed a word I'll make her pay so dearly that she'll wish she'd never been born. I'll rake her through the mud, bring up things in her life and make her so miserable that she'll be destroyed. And besides, she wouldn't be able to afford the lawyers I can or endure it financially as long as I can. And nobody would believe her, it'd be her word against mine and who are they going to believe? Me or someone unstable?"

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Resolution (and feel free to smoke 'em if ya got 'em)

From Wikipedia's entry for Mr. O'Reilly:

"Extortion and sexual harassment lawsuits

On October 13, 2004, O'Reilly filed a preemptive lawsuit against O'Reilly Factor producer Andrea Mackris ... for extortion contending Mackris had privately demanded more than $60 million to settle a claim of sexual harassment. Mackris filed her complaint of sexual harassment later the same day. In her complaint, she alleged that O'Reilly had made numerous references to 'phone sex, vibrators, threesomes, masturbation, the loss of his virginity, and sexual fantasies.' The complaint also sought additional damages and described alleged actions of retaliation by Fox, et.al. O'Reilly filed an answer to the complaints, and the two cases were settled out of court.
Both parties agreed to keep the terms of settlement confidential, and to withdraw their claims of wrongdoing, which each has done. According to The (Washington) Post, the settlement amount was likely in the millions of dollars. After the case was settled, O'Reilly's only public comment was, 'This chapter is behind me, and I will never talk about it again.' O'Reilly has not commented since."

Thank heaven.

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