Happy New Year (?)

Life for me is such a rollercoaster. Two months ago I had a hard time getting out of bed before mid afternoon and, what's worse, was mentally beating myself up for it all day long. Today, on the last day of 2010, I am feeling grateful just to be alive and thankful for what my life is, and might be in the future. How strange.

================

Do all people go on these mindblowing ups and downs? I can't imagine that to be the case. How could that be possible?

I don't work right now, and haven't worked a full time job in several years. To get out of bed and get my ass to an office five days a week by 830am or so seems completely impossible on the bad days. How do other folks do it? I don't have children or a wife. How would I meet the responsiblities of childcare or marraige when I can't even take care of myself?

--------------------

Actually I did work fulltime for years before what doctors tell me is schizoaffective disorder took hold in my mid twenties. For that, the fact that I don't pay my own way in the world, I feel no small amount of shame. But also, at the same time, I know that I am doing the best that I can for today. I am simply not able to work a regular job, but worked enough and contributed enough in taxes in years gone by that the monthly check I get from the government, from their Social Security Disability program, is nearly enough to make ends meet in this small two room apartment I call home here in Portland.

--------------------

Maybe the bottom line that I should concentrate on in this last day of the year is that I have everything I need to make my way in the world. And that should new problems arise, like car repairs or health problems or loneliness or something bad happening to my family or friends, I can get through it the same way I've gotten through everything leading up to this point. I've had a tremendous amount of challenges in my life but I've gotten through all of them and been made into a better and stronger person as a result of these obstacles, hopefully.

=================

Here's to a great year in 2011.

The Disappointing "Black Swan"

This is the time of year when adult movies hit the theatres. Summer is for kids. December is for the older folks, like me, to dine on more advanced fare at the cinema.

An example of a supposedly adult movie is the psychological thriller "Black Swan", by the hugely talented director Darren Aronofsky. Aronofsky is responsible for two of my favorite films of the last decade, "Requiem for a Dream" and "The Wrestler."

But his new release effort falls short of his prior work. David Denby in The New Yorker notes that the film "is a pompous, self-glorifying, and generally unpleasant interpretation of an artist's task", and I couldn't agree more. It may reveal my obtuseness, but I found all the characters unlikeable; folks that I did not want to spend two hours listening to and watching.

Natalie Portman, to echo Denby, is tortured throughout the film. She is, in real life, a nearly 30 year old woman who, in this movie, must act like a virginal, unhappy, and psychotic child/dancer. I didn't buy it. Barbara Hershey, looking frightening after too many visits to the plastic surgeon, is a hoot, the only one in the entire film. The rest of the cast does their part as unlikeable and disagreeable components in the slow death of the swan.

I did not enjoy this movie at all and am shocked that "Black Swan" is receiving such sterling reviews. What am I missing?

"Deal Saves Taxpayers average of $3,000": The Inanity of Statistics and Some Other Thoughts

Say that five people are sitting in a room. One of them earns a million dollars a year. The other four are homeless. The average income in that room is $200,000. (The median is $0, which is why it is almost always a better stat to use in these types of situations) So Obama's new tax deal would save them an average of, God knows what. But tax savings are irrelevant if you have no or almost no income. The headline in this morning's Portland paper about the new federal income tax plan is just plain bullshit. The entire crux of the issue is that rich people are getting tax breaks and not paying what I would consider their fair share. Some moron picks up the paper this am and thinks to himself, "Hey, I'm $3,000 better off today than yesterday!" That is just not fucking true. The people who are better off are wealthy Republicans. Me? I don't pay income tax because my income is so damn low that I owe nothing. Does that make me a "Lucky duckie", to borrow the Wall Street Journal's phrase from a few years back? No, it makes me poor. And likely to lose some, or many, of the services that the government provides to help people like me that need help.

=============

Another thing I am thinking of today as I read the paper is one of my alltime favorite idiotic quotes, this one from rockheaded actor Craig T. Nelson, a conservative. He was asked on a talk show a few years back about what life was like for him as a struggling young actor. He replied with a straight face, "No one helped me. I got by on my own. I was on food stamps and everything."

Funny stuff.

=============

And I'll end by saying that I didn't see Speaker of the House Boehner's tears on "60 Minutes" the other week except to see the ads. But what a cringe worthy performance this must have been. He apparently talked about how he came from nothing and worked his way up. Well, great. But apparently he forgot where he came from, too. The government owes a debt to the lower income classes to assist them, not step on their necks. I can't stand the GOP. For obvious reasons.

Something I Need To Work On That Happened Last Night

I'm such a nutcase. Up and down. Up and down. My life, boring and simple as it is, is such a rollercoaster of emotion. And last night was a good example.

===========

I belong to a twelve step movement that has millions of members. It has changed my life in so many positive ways in the last two and a half years that I will never be able to repay the debt I owe it. But I'm still a nutcase.

In my home group that meets every Wednesday night we have business meetings once a month, right after the regular meeting. It takes a little bit of work to put on our weekly one hour meeting, and the business meeting is designed to make sure that everything is running smoothly and people are doing their assigned jobs, such as making coffee and paying the rent. Twice a year we dole out these jobs on a rotating basis. For 2010 I was the treasurer of the group; paying rent, buying coffee supplies, depositing the money in the bank from the collection basket at the end of each week. A wonderful and important job I enjoyed thoroughly. And last night I had my eyes set on another job. Secretary. This person reads a short statement at the beginning of the group and introduces speakers. A cool and vital job that I wanted badly. I asked a buddy to nominate me. He did. And THEN someone else nominated a young woman who had only been a member of our group a short time. My self worth took a slight hit at that. I had been hoping that once my name was thrown out the group would lovingly shout, "Why of course, Joe. We love you so much! We think you'd be a great secretary! It's yours if you'll take it!" Or something like that.

That is a slight exaggeration of my attitude last night, but only slight. (Remember, I'm a nutcase)

A vote was called and I lost narrowly. Man, what a punch in the stomach. This morning, I'm not suicidal or anything, but I am sad that I didn't get the job I wanted. To think that just a few short weeks ago, pre Effexor, I could barely get out of bed and was hating life. I know I should be grateful just for the simple life I have and the dozen or so people who thought enough of me to vote for me. But instead I feel like I will never be the person I want to be: universally loved and admired by dudes and hot chicks alike.

Man, life is so strange. What a weird trip this is.

Living With Mental Illness: My Voices

Today was a typical day in the life of Joe Sweeney. This morning I heard, without a doubt, two folks talking about how awesome I am. The first happened while I was at a 12 Step meeting. I was chairing and when the meeting broke up at 11am I heard my friend, a female, talking to her girlfriends about what a great guy I am and how her sponsor adores me bla bla bla. That type of stuff. The other occurred at the pharmacy when I picked up some prescriptions. As I was walking away from the pharmacy counter at Hannafords I overheard the pharmacist telling her assistant what a "sweetheart" I am even though I am very "sick and taking a lot of medications."

When I got home this afternoon I spent some time analyzing the morning and I realized, for the upteenth time, that what I had heard was not real. That I was experiencing what are called auditory hallucinations by medical people.

It makes for quite the strange and difficult life, living with voices. Some people experience hallucinations as something like the voice of God. For me it's different. I hear, every day of my life seemingly, other people talking about me in inappropriate ways. Today, the voices were pleasant and uplifting, telling me how much other people like and admire me. But tomorrow they may turn on me and my experience may be one where people are discussing how awful I am, how fat and ugly and stupid and lazy I am, for example. This makes for a lot of guesswork.

To not be able to trust my senses to tell me what is real and what is not real makes life an oftentimes difficult journey. That probably accounts for the amount of time I spend alone in my apartment.

Of course, I used to hear voices when I was alone in my place. But that is a story for another day.

"Seinfeld"-itis

I've got it bad.

------

This show has been off the air for more than a decade. I've seen every episode multiple times. Long time bachelor Jerry Seinfeld is married and a father three times over, I believe. Former Saturday Night Live washout Julia Louis-Dreyfus currently has a show that's been on so long that it is in reruns itself. Michael Richards was embroiled in a controversy years ago that has greatly limited his future prospects for acting. And Jason Alexander only seems to appear on TV once in a blue moon.

But I still watch the reruns. And laugh. Hard. Every night.

This is "Seinfeld"-itis in its worst form. At 530pm the first episode is on the local Fox affiliate. And at 7pm TBS shows back to back episodes. Sometimes there will be "Seinfeld" marathons for up to three hours on TBS. I would guess I spend, on a good/sick weak about ten hours out of the 168 available in seven days watching Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer yuck it up. I definately need to get me a life.

There is a revolution going on in football, and it is being led by Manchester, NH's own Chip Kelly

Great article from The New York Times about what Coach Kelly is doing in Oregon. Amazing stuff and he seems like a really likeable guy, too. UNH fans are all extremely proud of him.

Brief thoughts on the new college basketball season

--- There are no monster freshman out there. No Durants or Odens. Harrison Barnes to me was shockingly passive for UNC against Illinois in the only game I've seen him play. This is the number one ranked high school player last year? He does not look overly athletic, sort of heavy legged running style, and floats on the perimeter jacking up threes. A complete disappointment.

--- But Duke's Kyrie Irving is by far the best frosh I've seen. The Chris Paul comp floated by the ESPN announcers last night rings true. He is slight of frame, like Paul, but penetrates at will. Looks like a one and done for Coach K and potentially the number one pick in the 2011 NBA Draft as he makes way for Austin Rivers.

--- Duke may be the best team early on, but I do not like the way Kyle Singler is playing. He seems purely a jump shooter right now, and not a really good one save for exceptional nights like the one he had against Oregon last week. He may not even wind up being picked in the first round next summer. Duke seems to be winning because they have the best backcourt in the nation and the Plumlee brothers are terrifically athletic and powerful on the break and down low. And please don't compare this year's Duke squad talent wise to the prior elite Blue Devil teams. There may only be one standout pro on this year's team (Irving).

--- Bobby Knight is simply a great listen when he's announcing. The best color man in college ball and one of the best in any sport. His analysis of Virginia Tech's failed last possession last night was outstanding and happened before, during, and after the final timeout. It's like having Vince Lombardi announce a pro football game: Knight is one of the great minds of basketball, and seems to have finally found the humility, while working with the ultimate pro Brent Musberger, to teach folks like me what he knows about the game he loves.

--- TCU coming to the Big East? What? They're in TEXAS fer crying out loud. DePaul, out in Chicago and Cincinnati were bad enough. But now Texas? I guess geography means nothing. And for what it's worth should Head Football Coach Gary Patterson move on to greener pastures, TCU will return to being a mediocre football school and the Big East will regret asking them to join. Realigning a conference simply because a school has had a good ten year run with a particular coach seems short sighted to me. But I am a hopeless sports romantic and long for the days when the ACC had only 8 teams and its tournament in March was simplicity and perfection: Quarters, Semis, Finals. It was always amazing and is now gone for good, along with my beloved Big East. Seventeen teams? Eighteen teams? What a joke. I miss the old days of conferences aligning with schools similar in geography and academics. No wonder I still love the MAC. At least when they added Temple they added a good school. Anyone know any sharp Texas Christian grads?