The Future of Movie Making

No sets. No cameras. Just publicity

Babies, "marraiges", divorces, drama, drama, drama

Movie stars will be computer generated to make you feel sorry for them, glad for them, hate them, love them, etc etc

It's just a matter of time and public acceptance

Thanks a lot, Steve

You're On My List

-- Tom "Doom and Gloom" Brokaw

The world is coming to an end...unless you buy my book. Go to Amazon.com to save the world. Free shipping.

You point the finger at the poor bastards over in the Arab world, blaming them for the world's troubles, and I see China holding the US' wallets. Come on, man.

=================

-- Herman Cain '12

Big Pizza. Don't fuck with Big Pizza

=================

-- Portland Pirates new between periods promotion: Hit the Zamboni driver in the noggin with a plastic puck, get to referee the next period. Everybody wins.

=================

-- The NBA announced today that...

...Derek Harper will, every day for the rest of his life, be asked, "what were you thinking, brother?"

...MJ was 6 4

...Larry was 6 10 and Kevin 6 9

...Chuck was 6 3

...Kareem was really 7 3

...The Celtics will retain their '76 title. Fuck you, crybabies

...The Mavs will be awarded the '06 title

...MJ really was suspended for gambling

...Muggsy was the baddest mutherfucker in the league for the duration of his career. Dude was bad

...The USA is getting its ass kicked by the Euros (Italy? A number one pick from Italy? WTF) because of cheap outdoor courts that don't allow poor kids to compete

...The 3 pointer is now the 2.5 pointer

...Wilt was one gay bastard. Deal with it

...Marques Johnson is officially the second most beautiful player in NBA history

...The Thunder are moving back to Seattle. It's OK, Ok City, you still got the Cowboys

...David Stern is fining MJ $1.2m for stupid and boring tweets, then told MJ Stern'd make it up to him in the revenue sharing. MJ: "Cool, Mr. Commish."

...And Ron Harper is in the "Would Have" Hall of Fame, along with Chris Washburn, Maurice Stokes, Lenny, and Ben

Fat LeBron All Stars

I can see it now: "Playing small forward for your San Diego Clippers, weighing in at 325 pounds, standing at 6 feet 9 and 3/4 inches, from The Ohio State University...no... St. Vincent/St. Mary's High Seminary... Faaaaaaaat LeBron James!"

=================

No rings, hemorraging cash (investments in Friendly's, Applebees, any restaurant you can point a fucking finger at, didn't work out), friendless, soulless, diploma less, LeBron comes out of retirement at age 41 to play for the San Diego Clippers in 2025. He backs up his son, LeBron II, at the 3, getting about 15 heavy breathing minutes a night.

His jersey sales ranking at number 312 for the league (others: #311: Bob McAdoo, #245: Randy Smith, #55: Kermit, #11: Larry, #1: Austin Rivers), LeBron plays the Point Blank Forward. Can't pass, can't shoot, can't dribble, not a good teammate. Point Blank. Nothing but a big tub of lard.

The Clips are owned, as always, by Donald Sterling, still going strong and firing ushers at 92 years of age. Playoff contenders the prior year (THIS IS IT was the marketing slogan. Cost a shitload.), Sterling wanted someone to "put the team over the hump, for the fans" and pulled Fat LeBron off the scrap heap.

It was not to be, as Fat LeBron and his teammates missed the 2024-25 playoffs bythismuch. Better luck next year.


=================

Inspired by "The Office"

Must watch TV

Sweetness

I never saw Russ or Jim Brown play. Ali was lesser when I started watching him. Gretzky comes close. Never saw Bobby play. Barry Bonds was unbelievable. Mario at his best was scary good. Don't know much about golf, but certainly Tiger. MJ is the best comparison I can think of. Larry wasn't as good, nor Magic.

=============

highlights/great mix

Jeff Pearlman's new bio. Looking like the best sports book since "Moneyball." I hope Jeff sells five million of 'em.

He should: The book is that good.

Teachers

All my life
I was taught
Then learned
To be ashamed
Of my body
My being
My kindness and thoughtfulness
Of everything

Dancing's (what I love)
Hard

At first my baby steps
Will look silly and dumb
But you'll see

I never give up
Never give up
Never give up

The formula for all genius
Remains the same
As ever

Think I look stupid?
You'll see

10/31/11 -- Halloween

I remember trick or treating several neighborhoods every year when I was growing up in Amherst, NH. Not nearly my favorite holiday, but it was cool to get goodies from folks. I used to spread the haul out on the kitchen counter when I got home, gobble up the good stuff (like Milky Ways and Milk Duds), then put the crap candy away for later. Sick? My stomach felt like five pounds of poop in a three pound bag. Awesome!

Someone somewhere along the way told parents that a nut was putting razor blades in candy bars, and kids were not allowed to go to neighbors homes.

To my knowledge, the razor blade thing never happened anywhere in this country. Not once.

But scared folks bought into it and now Halloween is an even shittier holiday. No neighborliness. No strangers saying, "Hi!" (Hi!). No fun.

I have no idea what we can do tomorrow to make Halloween special again. I'm all ears.

==============

I do think being kind to each other is a good start (fucking cliche machine you are, Sweeney)

And being aware of how tenuous our national way of life is. That's true not just right now, but many times over the last two hundred plus years. Our freedoms have been threatened almost constantly since America was founded. Plenty of books to read about that subject. We've always come through. Not always for the better, but the USA has always been a city on a hill for the world to live up to.

Today, the day before Halloween, I'm gonna watch Pats-Steelers go at it hard and clean and think about how awesome this country is, warts and all. I love it more than ever, no matter what should happen.

In other nations, corruption and bullshit is expected. Here in the States....well, we don't go for that shit.

The Next Logical Step

There is no heat in my building

I can't find my car

The mail has not been delivered in several days

I have not received one card, letter, or cent

==============

What is the next logical step?

The end of Apt404, I guess

Do you guys want that to happen?

If/when that occurs, I will walk to the Greyhound station (1hr walk, maybe more), purchase a ticket to Kittery, and hope my Mom lets me in. I do not want that to happen. I like it here

Soviet Style Torture

I read somewhere some years ago that the Soviets used to torture political prisoners by shooting them up with antipsychotics.

I thought, Big deal, I take those drugs.

But I realize now that the torture was in forced detox off these drugs, whose action on the brain and body is not yet understood.

The Soviets would shoot up their prisoners with these drugs for a week or two or three, then stop with the injections. The forced detox makes you feel like every cell in your body is dying. When you have the flu, you can feel your body fighting back via a fever and vomiting. But antipsychotics? It feels like a three day death, at least for me. There is no fight.

Soviet style torture.

Great!

Psych Drugs, the new Tobacco!

Invest everything in Psych Drugs, son. There's plenty of gold left to be mined!

The key is that if you stop, you get so sick you can barely stand it!

Great idea!

Dear Mr. President;

Do you know what it's like to suffer? To really suffer?

I ask because your face looks exactly the same now as it did when you took office. No visible change. That makes me wonder if you are truly in touch with people like me.

=============

I write this letter from my unheated apartment, 1125 Brighton Avenue Apt 404, Portland, ME.

Six inches of snow is going to fall tonight in Cumberland County, the first snow of the season in Maine. I expect to be able to see my breath in a few hours. I live in subsidized housing and heat is supposedly included in rent. I truly don't know why the landlord has turned off the heat. I am a month behind in my rent payments because money is tight right now. When I go out, I am afraid my locks will be changed by the landlord.

I receive SSDI benefits from the government. It comes to about $1,200/mo. Medicare is deducted, so I have health insurance. My rent is $374/mo. Every day for as long as I can remember, I pay my bills on the day the government disability check is direct deposited into my checking account. I have three credit cards, all maxed, with minimums totaling about $120. A cell phone, $60/mo. Cable and internet for about $160.

My car is paid for, thankfully, but I have an EZ Pass account with New York (typically $25/mo). Insurance is $70. I'm never late with that because I'm certain my policy would be cancelled if I was.

My father died eight years ago and left me $72,000 from his life insurance policy. Since I am on disability, in order to keep the money I had to set up a special needs trust fund, through a lawyer, to shield the money. My now 73 year old mother has signature control of the account. When I need money I ask her to move the money to cash, and she writes me a check, which I deposit into my checking account. Usually that works fine, but this month I have incurred about $400 in overdraft fees ($35 per transaction) from my bank due to charges made to my account, almost all of them automatic debits to the account for things like my gym and EZ Pass. I am now $383 overdrawn, so the $500 check my Mom wrote me Thursday from my trust fund I didn't dare deposit into my checking. I used a Cash Center type thing. They took out $50 from the $500, leaving me with $450 to use until Friday, when my $1,200 SSDI check is deposited into my checking. After the bank takes out their $400 in overdraft fees, I'll have $800 left for the month from the disability money. Since my rent is behind, I'll have to give management at least half of the $800, leaving me with $400 of the SSDI money to buy food and pay other bills.

I've been on and off and on again with SSDI for about 20 years.. My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder, which is a combination of depression and schizophrenic symptoms. I've always been a depressive, and started to have problems with auditory hallucinations in my mid 20s. I am a college graduate with a MEd, but working any job has always been extremely difficult. I am bright and hardworking, but can't seem to concentrate on one thing for a long enough time to meet the needs of any employer. My proudest accomplishment is graduating from Miami University in the spring of 1988, but I've really done nothing much since then. Not for lack of trying, but nothing seems to work out.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I've not had a drink in about two and a half years. Alcoholism is rife in my late father's family. His parents were Boston street drunks who gave up my father when he was a toddler to be raised by a relative. I manage my disease the best I can, and am proud to be sober today.

I was so depressed last night and had gone without more than an hour of sleep for a couple of days that I went to the local ER in hopes of being admitted to the hospital's psych unit. They held me for about six hours and then told me that there were no beds available, that I had to leave the hospital. I was so tired when I drove in at 4pm that I couldn't remember which floor of the parking garage I parked on. Upon my release I spend an hour or so wandering the garage looking for my 06 Corolla. Couldn't find it. I think it may have been stolen. Because my registration and plates expired a month or so ago, I don't think I can report the car to the police, as if they find it they probably won't give it back to me without an up to date sticker and registration. I spent last night, from the time I got home via taxi at 1am, wondering what options I have. I haven't come up with any good ones.

Life is really hard for me right now, but I have not quite given up hope. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Joe Sweeney
Portland, ME

The National Past-Time

Who stays up until 1am 7 nights in a row? Eyeballs belonging to unemployed drug addicts or to rich people playing with their blackberrys.

Increased time in between innings? Imagine if the traffic lights everywhere in your town added 60 seconds to the wait. Would you get so pissed off you might find some other mode of transportation?

David Fucking Freese? AAAA player. And now a part of the history of a great game, and thus America. Yuk.

The 90 win Cardinals are the worst World Series winner since the last Cardinals team to win it.

What a disgrace to Jackie Robinson, Lou Gehrig, Ted, and Babe Ruth. Baseball is killing the sport that helped heal the wounds brought on by the War Between The States.

I watched basically none of the travesty, and that's a first.

You want to bring back the game? Seven pm EST starts. Ditch the wildcard and let the four best teams slug it out. And let me watch the fucking game, not a CMT video. It's baseball, not MLB DEATHMATCH '11. Calm the director down. And start the weekend games at 4. THAT"S WHEN KIDS WATCH, the future of the game.

Bud Selig, you are a joke.

Movie Mashups

-- The Godfather / Rocky

"My boy. Look how they massacred my boy." "I don't care, Mick. I ain't got no locker"


-- Raging Bull / Stripes

"It's just Sugar Ray. We zip into the ring, we zip out"


-- ET / Swingers

"Have you been fucked since you got to Earth? You haven't, ET, have you?"


-- The Jerk / Interiors

"Alls I need is this Monet print. And this Van Goth. And also this pretty Calvin Klein LBD. Yah, now I can go home and mope"


-- Patton / Sybil

"No soldier ever won a war by dying for his country. He wins wars by getting his therapist to kill the bad guys"


-- Crossroads / Being There

Britney Spears. POTUS.


-- Brokeback Mountain / Tootsie

Two cowboys in drag have sex and sex and sex. And more sex. I'd pay to see that.


-- W / Chariots of Fire

The Presidential Olympics: Rules: W gets a 10 yard head start in the 40 yard dash. Cheney must carry Powell in the wife carrying contest.


-- Braveheart / The Color Purple

"Freedom!" Nah, we're still sharecroppers, asshole."


-- Footloose / Witness

Harrison Ford as a tough Philly detective who must teach the Amish to dance. Kelly McGillis gets naked, of course


-- Halloween / Mrs. Doubtfire

The kids try and try, but they can't fucking kill off Robin Williams


-- Meatballs / The Longest Yard

Bill Murray in cleats, jock, and pads. We gotta hit! He can't be a worse looking QB than Sandler


-- This Is It / The Seventh Seal

Demi Moore and MJ bring music and dance to Death. Win chess match


-- Donnie Brasco / Old School

Johnny Depp goes deep undercover to tear the lid off underage college drinking


-- Oh, God / Caddyshack

Really old guy takes care of greens at Nebraska country club. Wins over membership and caddies by performing miracles


-- Jules and Jim / Tommy Boy

Chris Farley learns a new language. The language of love
Chris Farley with subtitles: Yeah, thas a good idea


-- One On One / Cyrus

Irritating childlike basketball star tries to creep out his Mom's ugly new boyfriend


-- Superman ('78) / Requiem For A Dream

Superman breaks neck in equestrian accident, becomes addicted to painkillers. Dies slow death.


-- 10 / The Good Girl

Nuff said


-- The Shining / Diner

Crazy writer kills all his gay, loser friends after watching some big fat guy eat the entire left side of the menu

My

She knows when she gets mad at me
Tells me she never wants to see me again
That I'll be hurt but back for more
Because
I don't run away from responsibility

Seven decades of bottled anger
Finally surfacing
So late
So needed
So frighteningly real and honest

I've been in plenty worse spots
And managed to get by

I am the recipient
Because I'm the only one whom she counts on
That's just the way it is

I'll take my lumps and go on loving her
As I always have

Riiiiight

Humans became largely right handed and developed left and right brain type thinking in response to our heart's being on the left side. We needed to protect that area while throwing shit with the right. It's true.

Best thing you can do for your current brain? Use your opposite hand more.

Ouch

The Steelers are gonna forfeit the game Sunday
Timlin says they're booties will get all slushy if they pway in da rain

Fucking pussies

Bring it

Overrated Americans

-- Sammy Sosa
Big spoiled baby who won nothing. Took over the clubhouse to the detriment of the team for as long as he was in Chicago

-- Cubs fans
Drunks, wimps, sunburnt college students, crybabies, mean to real fans

-- Marilyn Monroe
The most overrated of all. This woman was a dull victim her whole life. What the attraction to this child was is lost on me

-- George Washington
What took you so long? It was a bunch of German hired guns

-- Wilt
Not exactly a winner

-- Steve Young
One is less than four

-- Lucille Ball
She struck me as shrill and a bit mean. Never, ever made me laugh. Never. Voice like a foghorn

-- Wayne Gretzky
Valued American dollars over Edmonton glory. But at least his wife is a star

The Biggest Loser Has Ideas

The Biggest Winner -- Eat, Eat, You're Skin and Bones!

He who gains the most pounds in an 8 week period wins liposuction to remove it

Contestants: John Goodman (too skinny now at 320 lbs), Anna Kournikova (competitor!), DeNiro (he did it before, he can do it again), Alison Sweeney (whatcha got, sister?), Antone Davis (finally, something he's good at)


Bowel Movement -- The Biggest Loser

Urine -- The Biggest Loser

Birth -- The Biggest Loser

Haircut -- The Biggest Loser

Removable Limbs -- The Biggest Loser -- Open only to Iraq and Afghanistan dudes and ladies. No Civil War vets allowed

The Biggest Winner -- Clerk -- Whomever cheats the customers out of the most money wins! Anything goes

Vomit -- The Biggest Loser

Sweat -- The Biggest Loser

um....that's enough

no....wait

Period -- The Biggest Loser

Yeah. That's enough

Who?

Plenty of dominoes falling in this here chess match

Boom! Boom! Boom!

What will happen next?

Nobody knows...

"How To Be A Nazi" by Joe Sweeney

1) Get born to shitty parents

2) Work at a job for five years and never smile once. Never communicate other than with grunts and nods. Don't think once about ripping off Hannaford's most loyal customer. Really.

Thas pretty much it. If you're good at being told what to do, you're well on your way to becoming a Nazi. Just keep doing exactly what you're doing and we'll all be Nazis soon enough.

Maybe not the cat.

Have You No Shame At All? Any?

Buck not Broke

Mrs Crook

Wedding bells, anyone? They deserve each other.

Another Hack Job By Sunshine Shaughnessy

The Globe sports section kicks ESPN Boston's behind in every way, every day

Thanks to Dan for pointing out the suck that is Buck. Ner.

Too Soon, Guys

There's bodies still gonna turn up in the spring. There's still dirty agents who don't want shit coming out that will hurt them. Gotta wait 10 years on this, man. Don't half ass the biggest story of your career. Waaaaaay too soon.

Now Billy? Fuck him

==============

Now Good Time Charlie Stuart? That's a fucking film. Multiple Oscars is gonna to go whomever puts that shitstorm on film.

Brad Marchand is "C" worthy. In time.

What a player. He creates a good scoring chance EVERY SINGLE SHIFT for Boston.

And he knows black guys don't skate too good. Afraid of water and all that.

Pick on someone your own size, genius.

(Good fight, fellas)

Hello Out There...

My name is Joe Sweeney. I'm the head...ok...only writer on this here blog, and I live in Portland, ME.

My grandparents were street drunks and child molesters. I have ten dollars to my name. My apartment is without heat.

I've had to scratch and claw my way in this fucked up world for almost everything I have, which ain't much presently.

I am America.

==================

Please send a $20.12 check to the President, care of the White House, made out to the "Free Joe Sweeney Fund"

President Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

He'll be sure to answer each and every one in time.

Don't you love getting a real letter in the mail, with a fucking stamp on it and everything? I do. No nasty notes, either. Show some respect.

Chinese food for everyone when this is finished. It's on me.

Love,
Joe Sweeney
Apartment404.blogspot.com

Stark Hills and Red Soil: My Trip To Jackson

It was, I think, 1991. Spring. Living in Charlottesville. Working at a job I hated, living in the basement of some family that I never talked to. Weekends were for watching sports and driving.

=============

The year prior, I drove to Manhattan on a Saturday morning, parked the car in a garage, walked around the block, looked at a few freaks and let them look at me in my t shirt, shorts, and sneakers, then drove right back down to C-Ville. All in about 8 hours. Arrived back at our apartment, opened the door, gave Greg a look that said to him, "Don't talk to me, man" then went to my room and slept. Exhausted and angry and confused.

Also, a bunch of times I drove the windy two hours to DC, parked wherever I could find a spot (it's not hard), and walked the mall. Inspiring, especially on a rainy morning, when all the tourists are still asleep and the city is resting. The Washington. The Lincoln. The Jefferson. If that doesn't get you, nothing will. It always got me. Staffers jogging. A lot of limos. But once the sun came out and the people started to mill around, I was gone. Back on 66 South to C-Ville, and another day of watching whatever sport was in season.

In those days you had to keep the sound turned on because there was no running scrawl. I listened to Brent, Verne, Keith, Dick, Ara, Al, Billy, Bill, and so many others announcing the battles and they kept me company through many a long afternoon and evening.

I started to visit Civil War battlefields. First in Virginia. Appomattax, Petersburg, Richmond, Cold Harbor, Wilderness, Manassas, some of the Shenandoah sites, Gettysburg, Antietam. It's kind of addicting, if you live down there, to visit these places. They're like outdoor churches.

And I wanted to go further south. So I did.

On my first trip I made it to Beaufort, SC and thought of "The Prince of Tides." And Parris Island. I remember a little park off the main road, where I got out and stretched my legs. The air was cool in spring, but I thought of the heat and what it would be like in August for everyone that lived and worked there.

The next trip was spent mostly on the major highways of the South. Lynchburg to Danville, where I spent a pleasant night at a $20 motel waiting out a small overnight snowstorm. To the campuses near the Research Triangle of NC: UNC, Duke, and NC State. Beautiful. I didn't know the area and had no map so I just drank it in for a few minutes at each place and moved on. Of course I thought of MJ and Worthy and Walter Davis and George Karl and Jeff Lebo in Chapel Hill, Christian and Bobby and Alarie and Dawkins and Amaker and Forever's Team while on the Duke campus, and Lorenzo and Cozell and Terry Gannon and Coach running around like a lunatic in Raleigh on State's main drag. Gastonia was next, because of Sleepy Floyd and Worthy. I skipped right through the ATL. Not sure why. Probably because there's no easy way to get downtown. Just endless looping highways.

And then on to Mississippi. Where else would I wind up? It's a big state top to bottom but not all that wide. The soil is almost all red clay. There are plenty of hills from what I saw. The poverty. The poverty. It took my breath away, and I was driving on the main roads. The damn poverty.

Made it to Jackson. Drove up a hill, parked under a few nice shade trees, and walked through a museum of some sort. Nice views of the river, of the land, of the city. History. I thought of what it would be like to live there in the burning intensity of the summer sun, and shuddered. Not for me.

That was as far south or west as I got that trip. Jackson was enough. I turned my black Chevy Beretta back towards C-Ville and drove.

Who Knew?

Ever try toothpaste on a scar or acne? Me, neither, until a little birdy said that works.

It does.

That Was The Fucking Problem

Fuck you, "C"

Deep Thoughts

This is going to be the best year for college basketball since 1985!

Great teams like UConn, Vandy, Ohio State, Duke, Florida, UK, Louisville, and Carolina. Great players all over the country. Thanks, NBA!

================

Every sport is better in person, but hockey is just as good on TV. Can't follow the puck? Bullshit. Watch two games and you can. The camera man is vital. Apparently the studio analysts aren't

================

Gay? Play sports, man

================

3/4s of the Earth is water. The rest is Sutters

================

Hi! I'm Herman Cain! This is a giraffe!

================

Stupid? Read a book, shithead

================

Why doesn't hockey go to 5 on 2 sometimes?

It would have evened things up tonight: Marchand and Chara vs Carolina. I like those odds

================

Books. For reading

Bobby Orr -- "Winning Through Intimidation"

Jeremy Jacobs -- "How To Make Friends And Influence People"

Teddy Fucking Ballgame -- "Ball Four"

Yaz -- "The Baseball Abstract"

Will McDonough -- "The Last Great Fight"

John Henry -- "Liar's Poker"

Five Hole -- "The Game"

Chris Kelly -- "The Fight"

Dinner Party / Party Dinner

Table #1 -- The A List

Woody Hayes
Larry Bird
Michael Lewis
Tabitha Soren
Steve Martin
Michael J Fox
Tracey Pollan
Tina Fey
Michael Jackson


Table #2 -- Power Table

President Bush
Bill Goldman
Senator Ted Kennedy
Bill Russell
Wilt
Marvelous Marvin Hagler
Lorne Michaels
Gwyneth


Table #3 -- Nice Table

Babs
Jack
Dougie
The Shuetzes
Gisele
Bobby Orr
Bill Cosby


Table #4 -- Match Table

Mailer
Meryl
Red Auerbach
Madge
El and Portia
Joe Willie
Natalie
Grant Wahl
Alexander Wolff


Table #5 -- Funny Table

Mr Garaffa
Bruuuuce
Lorne Michaels
Serena
Bob Ryan
Larry David
Jerry Seinfeld


Table #6 -- Smart Table

Vice President Gore
Second Lady Tipper Gore
David Halberstam
Yao
Yogi
Teddy Fucking Ballgame
Venus
Peyton
Bruce Paltrow
Blythe Danner


Table #7 -- Guys Table

Bill Murray
John Belushi
Mr Hanchette
Tom Brady
Yaz
Bo Schembechler
Bear Bryant
Drew Brees


Table #8 -- Just Watching

Date
Me


Valet -- Dave

Entertainment -- at 7 -- Carlin, "Bette Midla", then gospel music during dinner

Food? Served at 9
Steak, Sweet Potato, and some shitty vegatable
Dessert: Chocolate Cheesecake

Post Dinner Movie -- Casablanca

No booze or drugs will be served
(Sorry, Hollywood)

Nervous? No. I'll just throw up beforehand and sit in the corner
with my date

Harvard Basketball

Hang it but don't have a ceremony

Al's Legacy Lives On

TWO Firsts??

Beauty

here

Plastic Surgery in 2011

We don't know enough about it to risk it. Once you go under the knife the clock starts ticking. Don't do it.

What If I Made The Team?

What if you made the freshman basketball team?

How would your life be different?

===========

You would have been a good teammate and made friends and had dates

You would have worked your ass off and responded to coaching

You would have set some mean picks

You would have drawn a lot of charges

You would have looked good in Spartan Blue and White, man

You would have made varsity junior year

And started senior year

You would have played D3 somewhere close by and

Would have married some sweet girl you met freshman year

You would have settled for some shit job due to family pressures, because you two wanted to have kids so bad

You would have been unhappy at work

You would have loved the shit out of your family

You would have had a happier life, generally

MTV's "Jock Britney"

A new "reality" show...

============

Basketball vs Elizabeth, Sherry, and whomever else on "The View" can play

Soccer vs Mia Hamm

Running vs Zola Budd

High Hurdles vs Rex/Rob

Weightlifting vs Hasselbeck

Swimming vs .... shit, man there's a lot of possiblities there. pick one

No biking. I want to run over those fuckers every time I pass one

Announced by Bob Costas and Cris Collinsworth

Sideline reporter? Jenn Brown

Studio Hosts? Erin Andrews and Jay Bilas

Location Analysis? Coach Lou ("Look me in the eyes, Brit, and tell me you can't do another five rounds with Robin Roberts! Go for it, girlfriend!)

Psyched?

Gay Wear Vs Man Wear

Gay Wear: Adidas
Man Wear: Nikes

Gay Wear: Hats
Man Wear: Don't

Gay Wear: Brades on a man
Man Wear: Military short

Gay Wear: Untied Adidas
Man Wear: Laced Nikes

Gay Wear: More than 2 tattoos
Man Wear: 99% clean

Gay Wear: Standing around at the gym in between sets
Man Wear: Sitting

Gay Wear: Mustache
Man Wear: Cleanly shaven

Gay Wear: Deeply, deeply religious of any bent
Man Wear: Athiest

Gay Wear: GQ
Man Wear: Maxim

Gay Wear: GRP
Man Wear: GMR

Gay Wear/Man Wear: The Occupy US Movement that's growing every day

2012 Calender in Maine

January -- Only 4 days long because of snow days

February -- 4 days long. Truck Day, though

March -- I can see the light. 2 weeks

April -- March Madness, so this month is regulation length

May -- 10 weeks long

June -- 10 weeks long

July -- Shitty month because of all the Massholes up here. 1 day

August -- Ditto

September -- The air, man. The air. As long as I can stand it

October -- Getting dark. Basketball practice starts, though. 4 weeks

November -- Good and bad. No light, but hoops. Regular length

December -- Cold month up here. 1 day long: Xmas in NJ

Coach Fight Throwdown

The matchups...

==============

1) Sexy Rexy Ryan of the Jets versus Rob of the Cowboys

Hair pulling? Sumo style? No. Decathlon type stuff:

-- Belly Flop Contest
-- Body Building
-- Triathlon
-- 400m Hurdles
-- Hot Dog Eating Contest -- I want the post contest video!
-- Runway Walk - judged by Heidi Klum
-- Wife Swap
-- Weight Loss Challenge - Winner gets a ring


2) Bill Belichick of the Pats versus Bill Parcells of the last place Dolphins

Parcells wins easy. He fights dirty


3) Coach Bob Knight versus Coach K

I don't know, but I'd pay to see that


4) Coach Jim Calhoun vs Coach Jim Boeheim

Calhoun tends to fall down a lot, so I'll go with Four Eyes


5) Coach Smith vs Coach Bill Self of Kansas

Coach Self has a few years on the legend, so Self wins. But don't think Coach won't give it a good effort


6) Lovie Smith vs Tony Dungy

Dungy retires in the last round. Smith finally wins one


7) Doc Rivers of the Celtics vs Rick Majerus

Shitty matchup for Doc. He's too good for Majerus. Doc wins


8) Jon Gruden versus Bill Callahan

Chucky is scary good, but Callahan's a worker. Doesn't like the spotlight and Gruden does, so we'll give the belt to Coach Gruden in this one


9) Ara vs Lou

3 second rounds. No walkers. Three pound gloves. In the corners: Rudy and Bob Davy


10) Coach Buddy Ryan vs Coach Mike Ditka

Tight ends usually win these type matchups. Ditka is pretty tough. But so is Buddy. Ditka


11) Jeff vs Stan

Jeff leg whips Stan! Stan is wearing a bowling shirt! Jeff and Stan sweat five gallons! A left! A right! Down goes Van Gundy! Down goes Van Gundy!


12) KC Jones vs Chris Ford

Boring matchup. I don't give a shit


13) Bill Russell vs Tommy

Russ in the 11th

Voting With Your Wallet

Every dollar you spend is a vote

Stand in line too long at the pharmacy? There's another store just down the street that will treat you better (etc etc)

Get rude service? Move along

Don't like the manager at your favorite restaurant? Find another place to eat. Or learn how to cook

Get screwed by apparel companies? Buy a different size and look for a bargain

That's what makes our economy sing

Sex

--- Is the most important thing in your life

--- I am only sexually attracted to abuse survivors. Show me a healthy broad and I'm bored out of my mind

--- My favorite sexual partners to this point: 1) C-------- 2) myself 3) everyone else

--- My father was gay and was sexually abused as a boy

--- I think sex takes place in some form through a look, a touch, a thought

--- I used to watch a lot of porn. Good stuff, I thought. But all those poor people were sexually abused as children by their parents. Every single one of them. Do I want to spend my most precious assets (time and affection) on these people? No

--- Sex can be addicting, like most things. Unhealthy sex can be addicting, healthy sex is addicting. But there is hope if you're engaged in the former. Things can change. No matter what you're doing to yourself, your partner, or strangers, things can change. I'm living proof, though I had help

--- Watching those free porn sites where there is no foreplay is disgusting. Man, what's that about? Gross. That's rape

--- I want to see more PDA's everywhere. Healthy for society. True

--- Don't worry. Things are changing fast. We'll be able to have healthy sexual relationships with other adults of our choosing very soon. I can see it. My eyes are wide open

"Don't Give Up"

Thanks

You Ever See A Cat Sleep?

Me neither.

I'm talking out. Unconscious. Asleep. Dreaming. Resting.

That means my cat Rudy doesn't know what its like to wake up. Poor kitty.

No wonder cats are a bit mean.

Wouldn't you be if you never slept?

Mr. James

Playa getting played

Live

What did you do today?

How did you spend your time?

============

I ask because it's gone now. We don't know enough about the nature of time to recapture any of it. That's eons off in the future.

Did you go to the gym and make an effort? Eat a good meal? Read a good book? Hurt someone?

============

It's history now, and tomorrow is not promised.

============

A hundred years from now this will all seem funny. Hating ourselves and others because we like other men? Woman can't vote? Man can't fly? WTF, man.

Those computers you spend so much time on? A joke in a decade. Our televisions? Hilarious.

Fashion? Are you fucking kidding me?

My sneakers and shorts? Shudder inducing.

This haircut? Fucking funny, dude.

============

How did you spend your time today?

The Nazis and Germany

1) The Nazis were mostly closeted, repressed homosexuals full of bloodlust and self hatred

2) Their leadership and Stormtroopers were mostly washouts

3) Germany had just suffered through a long, costly war

4) Germany's economy was in dire straits

5) There was an entrenched, corrupt power structure in place prior to the Nazi takeover

===================

Please read more

What Are We Doing Here?

Trying to make people cry

Out

(We learn through pain)

"Modern Family"/Modern Family

What a show. Ty Burrell may be the funniest man on television. What a super job they're doing.

TD Bank Is Fucking Me Over

My checking account activity in the last 10 days:

Man, I'm broke.

=====================================

Type Description Debit Credit Acct Balance Check Image

10/12/2011 DEBIT CARD VISA DDA PUR
469216 APL APPLE ITUNES STORE 866 712 7753 * CA $16.01 -$813.23

10/12/2011 FEE OVERDRAFT PD $175.00 -$797.22

10/12/2011 DEP DDA DEPOSIT
TW011103 30 STATE RD KITTERY * ME $500.00 -$622.22

10/11/2011 DEBIT CARD VISA DDA PUR
401339 PORTLAND HOUSE OF PIZZA PORTLAND * ME $7.58 -$1,122.22

10/11/2011 DEBIT CARD VISA DDA PUR
469216 AMAZON COM AMZN COM BILL * WA $32.57 -$1,114.64

10/11/2011 POS DDA PURCH W/CB *7297
00000000 WHOLE FOODS MARK PORTLAND * ME $39.14 -$1,082.07

10/11/2011 ATM DDA WITHDRAW *7297
TW01Z036 449 FOREST AVE PORTLAND * ME $40.00 -$1,042.93

10/11/2011 DEBIT CARD VISA DDA PUR
469216 HANES COM 800 832 0594 * NC $48.29 -$1,002.93

10/11/2011 POS DDA PURCHASE *7297
02106001 HANNAFORD 8351 PORTLAND * ME $62.50 -$954.64

10/11/2011 POS DDA PURCH W/CB *7297
50791501 HANNAFORD 8354 PORTLAND * ME $66.30 -$892.14

10/11/2011 ATM DDA WITHDRAW *7297
TW01Y164 449 FOREST AVENUE PORTLAND * ME $500.00 -$825.84

10/11/2011 FEE OVERDRAFT PD $105.00 -$325.84

10/07/2011 DEBIT CARD VISA DDA PUR
469216 APL APPLE ITUNES STORE 866 712 7753 * CA $34.91 -$220.84

10/07/2011 POS DDA PURCHASE *7297
05734701 HANNAFORD 8384 YORK * ME $36.84 -$185.93

10/07/2011 DEBIT CARD VISA DDA PUR
469216 AMAZON COM AMZN COM BILL * WA $38.14 -$149.09

10/07/2011 FEE OVERDRAFT PD $105.00 -$110.95

10/06/2011 POS DDA PURCHASE *7297
NBT5 EXXONMOBIL WESTBROO * ME $31.66 -$5.95

10/06/2011 DEBIT CARD VISA DDA PUR
461043 THE LEVI SR STORE ONLINE 866 860 8907 * PA $60.00 $25.71

==========================

That's $385 in fees in the last week and a half. Thank shit my car is still running: It needs an alignment and oil change, but I can't afford them.

Maybe someday. (Fingers crossed)

Trying to be a Tough Guy at the Gym...

...I think I pulled my Tillman muscle.

Red Sox

Michael: "How bad do you think it's gonna be?"

Clemenza: "Pretty goddam bad. Probably all the other Families will line up against us. That's all right. These things gotta happen every five years or so, ten years. Helps to get rid of the bad blood. Been ten years since the last one. You know, you gotta stop them at the beginning. Like they should have stopped Hitler at Munich, they should never let him get away with that, they was just asking for trouble."

==============

The Boston Red Sox are bigger than Tom Yawkey, Ted, Luchino, and even John Henry. I'll be at Fenway next year. You?

Gloriously Outed Athletes

Whose jersey and shoulder pads/cleats/skates/shorts will be the big seller for Halloween?

I have no idea. They're all pretty cool and brave.

Carry on.

Pass/Fail

How far would you have taken this? (My guess is very far)

How much would you have been willing to hurt me?

Blood? Broken bones? Waterboarding? Electric shock?

What did you think I was guilty of, exactly? Stealing a loaf of bread?

What did I do to make you hate me so much?


Ask yourselves what makes you tick

And hurt

Others


How far were you willing to go with this?

Milk

Did you know that there isn't one human on this planet allergic to breast milk?

Christina Grimmie

This is a star

Over? Fuck Over

You think there's a finish line?

Nope.

Always balls in the air.

That's their job, man.

Right now there are priests abusing children, murders and rapes being committed

Black men being sent to their deaths by righteous governors

Corrupt cops taking brides

Stupid politicians making major mistakes

It's all happening as we sit here at our computers, IMing and video chatting

===========

There is no finish line

Don't look for it

Only a good day once in a while

That has to be enough

1-3 Ain't Good

The B's better score some fucking goals quick

Or there's gonna be some Baby B's taking your fucking spots, gents.

Put the biscuit in the basket

Or someone else will.

==============

We're all disposable, replaceable assets.

==============

In 50 years you might be a photo in a coffee table book

If you're good enough.

Fucking Beautiful

I spent three hours today at the Museum of Fine Arts on Huntington Avenue down in Boston.

Looking at three paintings.

Ran out of time, had to run.

I'll be back to drink in some more of it all.

==========

And remember: The originals of the really good ones are locked away for safekeeping.

I have no idea how they make such great copies. Still incredible.

Welcome To America

The outing of athletes is going well.

Welcome to America, 2011.

You belong, just as much as anyone.

I welcome this all.

It is beautiful. Deep breath.

Welcome to the new world order. (There is no order)

Nazis and You

It started with an officer who basically washed out.

It got rolling with hate, fear, poverty, and a desire for greatness.

It swallowed the most advanced country in the world.

It killed one hundred million of us.

It can happen again.

It is happening again.

Just watch.

Silver Choker Awards For Bad Officiating - October '11

1) Tim McClelland

2) Ben Dreith

(drumroll)

3) 2006 NBA Finals

Lady Byng Award For October '11

Goes to Brent Musberger.

For the passion that has not waned over four decades of national broadcasting. For the all around niceness and class. For the hard work. For the memories I have.

Art Schlichter Brass Balls Award for October '11 Goes To...

...The Memphis State season ticket holders who sued their former coach, John Calipari, and former player, Derrick Rose, for giving them the best season in school history. What balls.

PDAs

I saw what looked very much like a PDA today and it got me to thinking: When was the last time I saw one of those?

I couldn't think of the answer. It's been years. Literally years since I saw a man and a woman embracing and kissing in the streets.

Why is that? Can anyone else relate?

============

I'm ready for one. Who's up for it?

1.5 Billion Of You

Self pity never solved anything

==========

Gay people are part of the dishonesty

You only get one pass at this; that's it

You need to own your own life

==========

There are 6 billion humans on this planet

3 billion are women

3 billion are men

About 1.5 billion of those men are gay

==========

You are not alone, but no one can see you if you're not waving

And not shouting

I Can Hardly Wait For This One

November 11. Veteran's Day. USS Carl Vinson's flight deck. Carolina and Michigan State. It is on like Mia Hamm.

The President is going to be there. Gametime is 4pm San Diego time. Seven thousand sober men and women of the armed forces. Heck yeah, I'll be watching. Keep away, bad guys.

How Would You Feel?

Minnesoyta just won the WNBA championship. How come we don't get any locker room footage? Champagne and beer and stuff all over everybody? There's some neat ladies on the Lynx that I'd like to see naked.

Look Out Dirty

Sweetfeet Wilfork does it again...

He may get a 6 this year at some point. Believe it.

"Rush's Daughter"

Idea for a play...

===========

Kitchen table, two chairs, low lighting overhead.

Rush and his 12 year old daughter seated opposite sides of table.


"Daddy, what do you do for a job?"

"Daddy, why do those people say bad things about you?"

"Why are there poor people?" "Are we rich?"

"What is the world going to look like when I'm in college?"

etc, etc.

============

This has many possibilities, I think.

Not Job. Career Me Want.

Our leaders use the word "job" a lot. I don't want a job, I want a career, man.

Ask Chris Rock about that.

A career is worth getting up in the morning for, is worth sacrificing for, is worth thinking about at 2 in the morning.

Jobs are pure drudgery, pure boredom. Something to be endured.

I want a career, not a job.

Senator Jim Webb's Crusade

Fascinating story in the Sept 19 issue of "Newsweek", written by Andrew Romano.

==========

Some quotes:

"In 1980, fewer than 500,000 Americans were in prison; today, the number is 2.3 million...In England, (the median incarceration rate for prisoners for every 100,000 people) is 153. In America, it's 743."

"...Webb likes to put it, "Either we have the most evil people on earth living in the U.S., or we are doing something dramatically wrong in terms of how we approach the issue of criminal justice."

"In 1986, President Reagan signed a $1.7 billion bill that created mandatory minimum penalties for drug offenses."

"Today, African-Americans represent 74 percent of those sent to prison for drug possession, even though they make up only 14 percent of users."

"...Republicans began to realize that prison spending, which is the fastest-growing state budget item behind Medicaid, was ripe for a trim."

""The fact that America's violent-crime rate has continued to decline during the recession - it's now at its lowest level in 40 years - only helps Webb's cause..."

==========

Now, that last quote may lead you to say, "Sure, the violent crime rate went down because all the bad guys are locked up." Bullshit. I've been in a prison to visit. It's just small fish doing time for crap. The really violent ones don't get pinched for carrying some weed or crack. Violent crime is down because the police system in this country is working. The courts aren't, though. Sending poor and black and Hispanic Americans away for drug offenses, pushing them and their families into a downward spiral it's almost impossible to get out of is really hurting this nation.

Ending mandatory minimums and Three Strike laws would be a good start, I think.

Athletes Who Would Make Great Presidents

1) Larry Bird

2) Dustin Pedroia

3) Coach Randy Walker

4) Coach Kim Mulkey

4) Coach Geno Auriemma

5) Jerry West

6) Yao Ming

7) Coach George Karl

8) Grant Hill

9) Coach KC Jones

10) Coach Bill Belichick

11) Jean Beliveau

12) Senator Ted Kennedy


An athlete who would have been a crap President:

Pat

running around like a hero...

Jobs

@TheRealApartment404.blogspot.com: Thankfully you have died, and your suffering is now over. Life goes on for the rest of us. True.

Jokeisagoogle.blogspot.com

Ha ha

Google Is A Joke

Rex Ryan wore a cool Hall of Fame jacket to today's Jets press conference. I'd love to see a picture of it...

This is what you get when you Google "Rex Ryan Hall of Fame blazer"

Google is a joke. Ha ha.

Good Idea For SNL Sketch

"'Vogue' -- The June Issue"

===========

Anna Wintour to her staff: "Allright ladies, pitch me something!"

OK...

"The Woman of Late Night With Dave"

"Jersey Shore Eveningwear (RTW)"

"Time's Swimsuit Issue - with Joel Stein, Jonathan Alter, Fareed Zakaria, Vice President Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Newt Gingrich, and more"

"Maternity -- by Angelina -- Designed by Victoria"

"How to Buy Good Taste"

"Clothes For That Pesky Funeral"

"A Model's Guide to Fast Food"

"President Franken: He Predicted It"

"Occupy Wall Street Couture"

"In Google We Trust"

Is Sexy

Sean Young on Dave

She wants a part? How about school nurse on "Glee." That show could use a kick in the ass.

Mt. Christie

Governor, it's easier than you think. Humans can't carry 4 bills around without possessing a great deal of muscle.

It'll hurt like heck the first six months, then you'll get addicted to it. Believe it.

Great Column From SI.com's Andy Staples on College Football

Here

It's the Big 75 versus the 41 Small Potatoes.

Follow the money, as has been said many times. I love college sports because colleges don't relocate. But the schools are out for bucks just as much as the pros are.

I still love it.

===========

SI still kicks ESPN's ass. In every way.

Old Orchard Beach, Maine, USA

Ain't that America, for you and me...

Patriot Act II

The 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution?

How about insuring personal privacy in the digital age.

Boundaries need to be set.

The world changes in an instant today but what's right is still right and what's wrong is still wrong. That hasn't changed.

Let The Occupation Begin.....Now

OCCUPY

Outrageous
Corporate
Crime
Under
Protest
Y’all

It rained here in Portland today.

Four photos I took, on Facebook.

10/15/11 Means One Thing In This Apartment

College basketball begins practice.

Here's UConn's roster. Wow. And what a coaching staff.

Could be one of the greatest years ever for the sport, with so many of the underclassmen coming back due to the NBA lockout.

ESPN's "Renee"

ESPN is showing a 90 minute film on former professional tennis player and transgendered female Renee Richards tonight at 8pm EST. I'll be watching baseball, but you can be damn sure I'll be taping it. Could be really good and certainly is timely.

Hank Williams, Jr.'s "Hitler" Comments

Did you know that Adolf Hitler never actually killed anyone with his own hands?

Think about it, man.

Books. For Learning.

Some (several but not nearly all) of my favorite books. Mostly sports and non-fiction.

===========

"It Never Rains In Tiger Stadium", John Ed Bradley

"Chronicles", Bob Dylan

"Understanding Power: The Indispensable Chomsky", Noam Chomsky

"The Plot Against America", Philip Roth

"Final Cut", Steven Bach

"The State Boys Rebellion", Michael D'Antonio

"The Ride", Brian MacQuarrie

"Mad In America", Robert Whitaker

"The Omnivore's Dilemma". Michael Pollan

"Sweet Thunder: The Life And Times Of Sugar Ray Robinson", Wil Haygood

"Open", Andre Agassi

"A People's History Of The United States", Howard Zinn

"American Prometheus: The Triumph And Tragedy Of J. Robert Oppenheimer", Kai Bird & Martin J. Sherwin

"War In A Time Of Peace: Bush, Clinton, and the Generals", David Halberstam

"The Lost Continent", Bill Bryson

"Infidel", Ayaan Hirsi Ali

"Justice For All: Earl Warren And The Nation He Made", Jim Newton

"Conduct Unbecoming", Randy Shilts

"Outrage: The Story Behind The Tawana Brawley Hoax", Robert D. McFadden, Ralph Blumenthal, M.A. Farber, E.R. Shipp, Charles Strum, and Craig Wolff

"When Pride Still Mattered", David Maraniss

"Going Long", Jeff Miller

"Shut Out", Howard Bryant

"The Children", David Halberstam

"Until Proven Innocent: Political Correctness And The Shameful Injustices Of The Duke Lacrosse Rape Case", Stuart Taylor, Jr. and KC Johnson

"The New Jim Crow", Michelle Alexander

"The Executioner's Song", Norman Mailer

"Paris 1919", Margaret MacMillan

"Atonement", Ian McEwan

"Just Kids", Patti Smith

"What Is The What", Dave Eggers

"Absolutely American", David Lipsky

"The GOD Delusion", Richard Dawkins

"The Breaks Of The Game", David Halberstam

"Moneyball", Michael Lewis

"Joe DiMaggio: The Hero's Life", Richard Ben Cramer

"Loose Balls", Terry Pluto

"Odd Man Out", Matt McCarthy

"American Splendor", Harvey Pekar

============

Most fiction is a means of escape. I don't want to escape. I want to know.

In The History Of Baseball...

...I have never seen a pitcher removed in the middle of an at bat.

Why?

Life As It Were II

If you're not good
You're no good

This world is moving pretty fast right now
Try to keep up

Life As It Were

I won't tear down the world
I will create something different
Build
Reach and not throw

When I don't remember my dreams in the morning
I know I'm going to have a good day
Twisted but true

Just living is enough

My space
Sometimes stinks
That's one of the ways that
I know I'm alive

It's when the awful smells in the world recede
And I'm left without feeling
That I worry

Hurt

The mailbox of my heart is empty
And I don't think I can stand much more of it

Waitin', hopin', wishin'
It hasn't done any good
For the longest time

The mailbox of my heart is empty
And you mostly stand there gawking

Doing what, exactly?

Not a lot of good
From where I stand

How about we have a Coke and a smile?

The Kardashian Bunch

Watching Khloe cohost "The Today Show's" 10:00am edition got me to thinking of how the Kardashian Klan is like "The Brady Bunch", one of the great television families.

===========

Khloe is Greg, the glue of the family and a grooving girl/guy. The most talented of the kids, Greg was way cool, as is Khloe.

Kim is Marcia. Pretty to a fault, but nice.

Kourtney is Peter. The middle child, a bit lost, but happening.

Kris Jenner is like Sam the Butcher. Sweet and bit out of her/his depth. Loving. Watches out for everyone.

Bruce is like Oliver. So damn cute.

Rob is Alice all the way. What the hell are you doing, Alice/Rob? Get some style and get out of those tired clothes.

Kendall and Kylie are like Bobby. Where do they spend their days? I don't know. They'll grow up fine, though.

Kris Humphries is Jan. Insecure about his/her looks but a dude/babe. One to watch.

Reggie Bush is very much George Glass, Marcia's imaginary boyfriend. A ghost.

World Wide Web

Afghanistan-– 28 million people live here.
Albania
Algeria -- “The Battle of Algiers”
American Samoa
Andorra
Angola
Anguilla
Antarctica
Antigua and Barbuda
Argentina –- 1978, 1986
Armenia
Aruba
Ascension Island
Australia -- Great athletes come from here.
Austria
Azerbaijan
Bahamas
Bahrain
Bangladesh
Barbados
Belarus
Belgium
Belize
Benin
Bermuda
Bhutan
Bolivia -- Where Butch and Sundance and Katherine Ross fled to in 1969.
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Botswana
Bouvet Island
Brazil -- 1958, 1962, 1970, 1994, 2002
British Indian Ocean Territory
Brunei
Bulgaria
Burkina Faso
Burundi
Cambodia
Cameroon
Canada -- "Oh, Canada", the best national anthem.
Cape Verde
Cayman Islands
Central African Republic
Chad
Chile
China -- China's demographics will be altered greatly in the coming decades due to their one child per family policy.
Christmas Island
Cocos (Keeling) Islands
Colombia -- "The Two Escobars"
Comoros
Democratic Republic of the Congo
Congo, Republic of
Cook Islands
Costa Rica
Ivory Coast
Croatia -- Drazen
Cuba -- The homeland of El Tiante and Luis Tiant, Sr.
Cyprus
Czech Republic
Denmark
Djibouti
Dominica
Dominican Republic -- Buscon system: Good or bad?
East Timor Timor
Ecuador
Egypt -- The future of the Middle East runs through this massive country.
El Salvador
Equatorial Guinea
Eritrea
Estonia
Ethiopia
Falkland Islands
Faroe Islands
Fiji
Finland
France -- Paris.
French Guiana
French Metropolitan
French Polynesia
French Southern Territories
Gabon
Gambia
Georgia
Germany -- Now thankfully just another large nation.
Ghana
Gibraltar
Great Britain -- 1966. And bad food.
Greece
Greenland
Grenada
Guadeloupe
Guam
Guatemala
Guernsey
Guinea
Guinea-Bissau
Guyana
Haiti
Heard and McDonald Islands
Holy See
Honduras
Hong Kong
Hungary
Iceland
India – You’re not doing enough.
Indonesia
Iran (Islamic Republic of) –- The best educated, the kindest, the smartest people in the Middle East live here.
Iraq
Ireland -- Lots of brilliant drunks come from this tiny nation.
Isle of Man
Israel -- Hard to imagine what it is like to live in this country. We here in the USA cannot know what it is like to be surrounded by neighbors that want our country to cease to exist.
Italy –- Where “The Godfather” comes from. A beautiful people.
Jamaica –- I think of the stunning Merlene Ottey when I think of Jamaica.
Japan –- The US' bitter enemy during WWII. Now one of America's closest allies. Think about it.
Jersey
Jordan
Kazakhstan
Kenya -- The US President’s father’s homeland.
Kiribati
Korea, Democratic People's Rep. (North Korea) -- Is there hope for this desolate place? I don’t know.
Korea, Republic of (South Korea) -- The future here is very bright.
Kosovo
Kuwait -- Lucky.
Kyrgyzstan
Lao, People's Democratic Republic
Latvia -- Is there really a Latvian Orthodox church, Larry? Or was that made up?
Lebanon
Lesotho
Liberia
Libya -- An insignificant country.
Liechtenstein
Lithuania -- Sarunas Marciulionis and Arvydas Sabonis, unforgettable gold medalists in 1988. Be proud.
Luxembourg
Macau
Macedonia, Republic of
Madagascar
Malawi
Malaysia
Maldives
Mali
Malta
Marshall Islands
Martinique
Mauritania
Mauritius
Mayotte
Mexico -- The meaning of "melting pot."
Micronesia, Federal States of
Moldova, Republic of
Monaco
Mongolia
Montenegro
Montserrat
Morocco
Mozambique
Myanmar/Burma
Namibia
Nauru
Nepal
Netherlands -- "Infidel"
Netherlands Antilles
New Caledonia
New Zealand
Nicaragua
Niger
Nigeria
Niue
Norfolk Island
Northern Mariana Islands
Norway
Oman
Pakistan
Palau
Palestinian National Authority
Panama
Papua New Guinea
Paraguay
Peru
Philippines -- Such a beautiful people.
Pitcairn Island
Poland
Portugal
Puerto Rico -- Where Maria comes from.
Qatar -- The entire planet will be watching you in eleven years.
Reunion Island
Romania
Russian Federation -- What a country. The history of Russia is the history of the world, basically.
Rwanda
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saint Lucia
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Samoa
San Marino
Sao Tome and Príncipe
Saudi Arabia
Senegal
Serbia
Seychelles
Sierra Leone
Singapore
Slovakia (Slovak Republic)
Slovenia
Solomon Islands
Somalia
South Africa
South Georgia and South Sandwich Islands
South Sudan
Spain -- Blossoming for the first time in so very long.
Sri Lanka
Saint Helena
St. Pierre and Miquelon
Sudan
Suriname
Svalbard and Jan Mayen Islands
Swaziland
Sweden
Switzerland
Syria
Taiwan (Republic of China)
Tajikistan
Tanzania
Thailand
Tibet
Timor-Leste (East Timor)
Togo
Tokelau
Tonga
Trinidad and Tobago
Tunisia
Turkey -- The Middle East values religion like nowhere else on the planet. Their government needs to learn that.
Turkmenistan
Turks and Caicos Islands
Tuvalu
Uganda
Ukraine
United Arab Emirates
United Kingdom
U.S. Minor Outlying Islands
Uruguay -- 1930, 1950
Uzbekistan
Vanuatu
Vatican City State
Venezuela
Vietnam -- They’ve earned their place, haven’t they?
Virgin Islands (British)
Virgin Islands (U.S.)
Wallis and Futuna Islands
Western Sahara
Yemen
Zaire/Congo
Zambia
Zimbabwe
United States of America -- Saved the best for last, right?

I Believe

That sports can change the world.

============

A man (or woman) who represses their sexuality can never be at peace. Forcing gay athletes to NOT look/"feel" is wrong and harmful.

Locker rooms in all sports, at all levels, in every state and country, need privacy.

The next wave of stadiums in pro sports will surely have locker rooms that allow a man to change his clothes in privacy. I can't wait.

The Maine Marathon was today, and got me to thinking...

--- We should have a Le Mans style road race through the streets of Portland. First one from Eastern Prom to the Maine Mall wins. Go more than 10 miles an hour over the speed limit and you're disqualified. Get a ticket and you're disqualified. Hit a tourist and you're disqualified. Hit Joe Bornstein and you get, what, 10 seconds reduced from your time. All stops signs are mandatory. All yield signs, too. Pay attention to cops if one pulls you over. They know what they're doing. This race could be run on a Friday in early May, when this city is fucking amazing looking.

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--- Instead of the tired Wife Carrying Contests, how about a Father Carrying Son Contest. Contestants must be at least in their 20s. Or a five (four?) legged race?

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A "First to MI Treadmill Race" on NBC. First to have a myocardial infarction (heart attack) wins $10 million dollars. Hopefully the MI will be mild but if not, that's what wills are for. Second prize of $100,000 goes to the first person to have a mild stroke (must drool!). Third place? Indigestion.

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24 Hour Endurance Race

1) Boat
2) Motorcycle
3) Auto
4) Bicycle
5) Run
6) Race Walk
7) Race Walk Using a Walker
8) Hospital Bed Rolling (must keep one ass cheek in bed while pushing)
9) Casket Pushing

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A Marathon where the last 10% of runners in each group (Men > 50, Men > 30, Open Men, Kids, etc etc) get beaten with a rolled up newspaper. Measured every mile for entire race. And the finish line will be randomly moved throughout the race from 26.2m to 27.2 miles to 25.3 (you get the idea). Sucker! Life can dish out some surprises. Be ready for anything, runners.

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How about a Baby Carrying Race? Baby must be held in arms. You drop baby, you lose.

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What about a Rosie Ruiz Annual Marathon, where cheating is encouraged. And you gotta SELL IT at the finish line, babes! "Wow, that was a tough race! I'm really wiped out. It's hot out there!" There ya go.

Extreme White People

Black White People

Joe Namath
Joe Montana
Joe Biden
Billy Crystal
Brent Musberger
Lou Holtz
John Madden
James Taylor
Steve Nash
Billy Joel
Fred Armisen
David Byrne
Bob Cousy
Peter O'Toole

White White People

Matthew Broderick
Joe Buck
Chris "Bird" Anderson
David Halberstam
Jimmy Buffett
Craig James
Bill Hader
Ben Affleck
Gary Smith
Alec Baldwin
Elton John
Bob Costas

Joe College

We're going to start our own university here at The 'Pent, modeled after Trump U.

Slogan?

"Joe College. For Learning."

Eight credits a semester sounds about right. One semester a year, starting the week after the US Open and ending a week before Thanksgiving. No classes before 10:00am, no class with less than 200 students, reclining leather chairs in every classroom. The dining halls will require a minimum of 3 servings per per meal. The dorm rooms will have 1 bathroom per resident.

The graduation ceremony will have William Goldman as speaker. Once he's done all graduates will throw their fucking caps at the fucking floor and yell, "Fuck this! We don't want to go!" (That's what I did)

Tuition will be paid by Pell Grants. Every dime of it.

Our sports teams, known as "The Fighting 404s", will be Division III in everything but women's volleyball, which will be D1. We will not have a bowling team. The coach for men's basketball will be Jeff Van Gundy, football will be Tim Murphy (we'll get him somehow), hockey will be Terry O'Reilly, and baseball will be Tito Francona.

Our school colors will be maroon and gold, same as Arizona State, but our logo will be much, much better.

Known affectionately as "Safety State U", we're usually the third choice of most of our students, behind 1) Miami University 2) The Ohio State University.

Our President? Al Franken.

It's 4:20 Somewhere

Jimmy Fallon and I have an understanding. He has to sign every check you send to him.


Send checks for $4.20 to:

Joe Sweeney - Head Writer - Apartment404.blogspot.com

c/o Jimmy Fallon

PO Box 2079

New York, NY 10013

Scratching A Few Itches

--- Radar guns in baseball are a damn scam.

You can't tell me that Ian Kennedy this afternoon is throwing 5/6 mph less than a bunch of guys on the Orioles in the Sox last series of the year. Different guns give 5/10% different readings. It's taken me a while to figure that out.

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--- Can you imagine a Rep. Michelle O’Bachmann vs Vice President Biden debate next fall?

“The American people don’t want a divorced person as VP!”

Total mismatch

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--- Is every wife-beater a closeted gay? Probably.

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--- 10 Movie Ideas

Bill Russell biopic – Red, the Cooz, KC, Tommy, Jim Brown, Ali, the 60s, someone shitting on his bed, what great stuff for a movie. What a life he's lived.

Documentary on the post 9-11 Super Bowl between the Rams and Patriots

Madden telling the audience that Coach Belichick should kneel and play for overtime, U2 at halftime ripping it up, Ty Law’s interception to start us believing, The Drive, The Kick. The celebration.

"Challenger" movie

It’s been long enough. Concord, NH's Christa McAuliffe deserves to remembered in life, not in death.

the Charles Stuart case

Tore up the city of Boston, which needed to be torn up, but not by him and his brother. We’re all still mad.

“All Souls”

“The Miracle of St. Anthony”

Curt Flood biopic

From birth to death Curt Flood is a great American story. Truly heartbreaking and heartwarming.

“Middlesex”

“Strange Justice”

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AA is populated by many gay people and I don’t know why that is.

I'm totally cool with gay people, you know that, but why the deceit? Why the front? Why?

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Does anyone else have two indentations above their ears from their glasses?

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The Next New Thing

Is gonna be drone helicopters equipped with video, sound, and missiles. Watching everything.